Some time ago, in the Tianmen Mountain View Area of Zhangjiajie, Hunan Province, a heart-wrenching suicide tragedy occurred.
Four young people committed suicide by jumping off a cliff on the glass boardwalk, 3 died on the spot, and the other 1 was stopped before jumping off the cliff, but because he took poison in advance, he was sent to the hospital for rescue and finally died.
Before committing suicide, they left a suicide note, saying that the suicide was a personal thought and had nothing to do with others, and the police also ruled out the possibility of a criminal case.
The four young people who are in full bloom bid farewell to the world in such a decisive way, which is saddening.
This incident shocked many people, and also made a word enter everyone's field of vision - "about the death group".
As the name suggests, "dating the death group" is a group that meets to commit suicide, and in recent years, more and more young people have formed similar groups, sharing suicide experiences in them, and even meeting to die together. Note that forming a similar group is suspected of breaking the law.
Many people will inevitably be very confused, now that the economic conditions are good, young people do not worry about eating and drinking, why do they still think about committing suicide?
Some volunteers have lurked in the "about the dead group", and by chatting with them, they found that the young people inside have a common feature in the process of growing up:
I have never been praised by my parents, and I have always been belittled and denied by my parents.
They have not been recognized by their parents since they were young, full of distress and no one to talk to, only in these "about death groups" can they find a trace of the warmth of being understood.
In the eyes of outsiders, they are self-defeating; But in their own hearts, they are just huddling for warmth.
Those children who have never been praised by their parents are really too depressing and painful.
#01
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A teacher shared a story about a parent-teacher meeting in which she asked parents to do a questionnaire: "Write about your child's strengths and weaknesses? ”
Regarding the advantages, parents simply wrote down a few similar words: obedient, quiet, filial ... Many people don't fill a single line.
There are even parents who do not write, "My child has no merit."
But when it comes to shortcomings, every parent writes almost a full page: naughty, lying, full of swear words, addicted to mobile phones...
Is it really because children have no merit? Of course not, it's just that parents look at their children with colored glasses.
The advantages of children, always turn a blind eye; But the disadvantage of the child is that he keeps a firm eye, like a few family treasures, even if it is subtle, he will not let go.
This is the "percussive education" that has been passed down in China for thousands of years - you must not praise the child, you must take a magnifying glass to search for any shortcomings in the child, no matter how hard the child tries and does things well, it must also suppress the child.
Common phrases are:
"You can't do such a simple thing, what use do you have?"
"If you don't dress properly, you're catching a cold?"
"Don't think that if you score 100 points, you are not that good!"
Some netizens summed it up well: percussive education, only blows, no education.
45-year-old Xu Shihai, his son committed suicide and died, and when he sorted out his son's relics, he found that his son had added a lot of "death groups" to his mobile phone.
He looked at the children in the group, who were about the same age as their son, but they were bent on looking for death, and they couldn't bear it, so he added their QQ, chatting privately one by one, trying to persuade them to dispel suicidal thoughts.
At first, he also thought that these children were just moaning without disease, but after in-depth communication, he found that these children were living too hard.
For example, an 18-year-old boy said that he was bullied at school, but his parents would only say "if you are right, why should others bully you", and the teacher also accused him of finding nothing to do;
Since he was a child, he has never heard a word of praise from his parents, and he always feels that there is no point in living in the world, and it is better to die.
There is also a 17-year-old high school sophomore girl, because the pressure of taking the exam is too great, the mood is very bad, but her parents will only blindly put pressure on her, her grades will decline and say that she does not have to work, and she is not as good as the children in the neighborhood, I really don't know what is the use.
She listened to her parents' words, her heart was like a knife, and she wanted to commit suicide several times, "anyway, I am alive, and no one cares."
They all said that they did not really want to seek death by joining the covenant death groups, but in these groups, they could express their pain and dissatisfaction unscrupulously, instead of getting only accusations as they did with their parents.
There are many similar cases, and it can be said that the vast majority of Chinese children have grown up under decades of debasement by their parents.
One netizen shared his experience:
He passed the C9 college entrance examination, and his father just said: "If you work harder, won't you be able to go to Peking University?" ”
He scored 99 points in the calculus test, although he did not have a perfect score, but he was already the first in the class, but his father said: "If you check more, won't you be able to get 100 points?" ”
He took the scholarship, and his father's evaluation was: "Why not a first-class scholarship?" ”
From childhood to adulthood, no matter how hard he worked and how excellent his grades were, his father would never praise him for half a word, but would only pick a bone in the egg and say that he was not good enough.
He tried to communicate, hoping that his father would praise himself more, but his father split his head and covered his face with one sentence: "You are so old, why are you still so vain?" ”
He was in ashes, no longer tried to communicate with his family, buried everything in his heart, and digested silently alone.
Jimmy once said that a child would rather be stabbed by a cactus than hear adults sneer at him.
After all, physical wounds will heal one day, but the wounds brought by scolding may be indelible for a lifetime.
#02
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Many parents may not understand why percussive education can cause so much trauma to their children.
There is a term in psychology called "mirror reflection", which means that people will form a self-concept impression according to the attitude of others to themselves, like a mirror reflecting their own image.
This phenomenon most commonly appears in children, because children are not yet mature, their cognition of themselves is not thorough enough, and they can only judge what kind of person they are through the attitude of the outside world.
Parents, as the closest existence of children, are often the most direct "mirror" of children.
If parents often hit their children and think that they can't do anything well, the children will follow their parents and make corresponding judgments: "I'm really useless, I can't do anything well." ”
There is a cartoon that vividly shows this phenomenon:
What is more cruel is that this kind of negative self-judgment will accompany the child throughout his life and become the source of the child's inferiority, cowardice, and trying to please others for a lifetime.
As Susan Foward, Ph.D. in psychology, wrote in her book Poisoned Parents:
"The blow from parents has a more damaging effect than just the moment. It runs through the years and is as deep as a needle in the hearts of children. ”
Director Jiang Wen, who has won numerous awards and achieved fame in his life, but he still lacks self-confidence and always feels that he can't do anything well.
The reason for this is the repressive education of my mother in childhood.
He studied hard as a child, but his mother never praised him, and he always felt that his grades were not good;
He was admitted to the Central Academy of Drama, and Xingchong took the notice to his mother, but her mother didn't read it, so she said, "Your clothes haven't been washed yet?" ”
Later, he made money and bought a big house for his mother, but not only did she not move in, but she didn't even have a word of praise.
The parents' disapproval will affect the child for a lifetime, even if the child is already an adult, the inner trauma can never be eliminated.
"Good words are warm in three winters, and evil words hurt people in June cold", in the face of strangers' bad words, we all have to be sad for a long time, not to mention our most trusted and dependent parents?
#03
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Seeing this, I guess someone must ask: "Always praise the child, what should I do if the child is proud?" ”
I have to say that this is the ideological seal of a large number of parents, always feel that if they praise their children, they will become the great devil of the mixed world.
There is an episode of "Young Man Says", a little girl stands on the rooftop, crying and shouting to her mother:
"Why does my mother always compare other people's children with me, and why does she always fail to see my efforts?"
However, her mother just said coldly:
"I think in your sexual grid, in fact, if you don't hit, you may be a little floating."
Think about it is also ironic, parents are so afraid that their children will be proud, they are not afraid that their children will suffer psychological trauma and suffer for a lifetime?
In real life, there are very few examples of falling because of "pride", and most children are more confident and brave to try new things in the praise of others.
Those who shout "afraid of the child's pride, can't praise", like facing a person who is about to starve to death, do not even want to give a piece of bread, but also shout "can't let him eat, he eats fat is not good for the body!" ”
How ridiculous.
In fact, it is not that everyone is not allowed to criticize children, but that criticism must not be expanded.
Psychological counselor Li Songwei said: "The most important thing to criticize children is to talk about things on the matter, not to attack personally. ”
If the child has done something wrong, you can tell him what he did wrong and how he can correct it, instead of splitting his head and covering his face and saying, "You did it so badly, you are an idiot." ”
Some people will say: "Say a few words about them, they can't stand it, enter society in the future, see what they do?" ”
How ridiculous is this idea?
Probably you stabbed me a few times, I was in pain to death, yelling for you to stop, but you said "don't be afraid, I'll stab you a few more times, you won't be afraid when you get used to it".
In everyone's heart, there lives a child who longs for the affirmation of his parents, and if he can be constantly inspired, then he can thrive; But if he is always criticized, he will inevitably lose hope in life and be unhappy for the rest of his life.
#04
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Writer Wang Huiling once shared this view:
Everyone comes to the world with 0 experience points, and if he grows up in a loving family, the experience points will continue to rise, then when he becomes an adult, he can enter society with +18 experience points.
But if he is in a family that is only harsh on him, then his experience points will continue to decline, and the experience points in adulthood may be -18 or even -180.
Then, when those +18 young people explore the world with interest, those -180 people will spend several years or even more than ten years to return the experience value to the 0 state through self-healing.
In the final analysis, the so-called "percussive education" is only a psychological suppression of children, so that children always live in disappointment in themselves, such an approach can never educate an honest and brave child.
The world is cruel, and whether we have the strength to face it all depends on whether we receive love and support from outside.
A Japanese variety show once did a test, they invited a girl with extreme inferiority and dared to go out only if she wore a mask, and a handsome male teacher to learn a foreign language.
The male teacher was asked by the program group to praise the girl every day, so he rainbow fart every day:
"The clothes are beautiful today."
"Your skin is fine."
"It must be beautiful for you to take off your mask."
Hearing the boy's praise, the girl slowly changed, first buying a fashion magazine to read, and then changing her hairstyle and taking off her mask.
After 50 days, the girl was two of them, confident and generous in front of the camera.
Shudan Jun once saw such a sentence on the Internet:
"Poverty does not bring educational failure, but psychological abuse largely creates a problem for children."
Parents always want their children to become talents, but parents' appreciation and encouragement is the best support for their children.
The mouth of parents will really affect the child for a lifetime, if you really love the child, please praise more and accuse less.