Source丨Ten Points Reading (duhaoshu)
Author丨Ten o'clock Xiaoda
A few days ago, I saw a post on Weibo, and my heart could not calm down for a long time.
The cause was that a netizen posted a chat record between himself and his parents.
Across the screen, you can feel the grievances and despair accumulated in the hearts of netizens.
A few short sentences of dialogue, no understanding, no relief.
Only accusations from a different angle.
Suffocating.
"In fact, every time WeChat is sent, I can guess what they will reply to.
But every time, there is still a hint of stupid expectation. ”
This post also made many netizens feel the same way, and they all told their hearts.
We often hear complaints like this:
"Why don't you say anything to me now, every time I ask a sentence and say a word."
Obviously when I was a child, I said nothing to my parents, what did I start to drift away and become speechless?
What causes children to be reluctant to communicate with their parents when they grow up?
One netizen told his story.
When she was a child, when she took a bath, her mother was afraid that she would catch a cold, and she always liked to use very hot water.
She protested more than once, but every time her mother always said, "It's not hot, it's cold when washed," and then forcibly pressed her into the basin.
After many times, she felt that it was useless to say it, so she could only choose to obey and suffer in the hot water.
Later, at one point, the water temperature really exceeded the limit she could tolerate.
Years of painful suffering in the bath, every indifference of my mother.
At this moment she finally broke down and cried.
As a result, the mother responded coldly: "What is there to cry about!" Isn't it just some cold water. ”
When netizens had their own children and read the parenting book, they knew:
From babies to children, the skin has a gradual thickening process.
But in this process, the child's skin is always thinner than that of adults, so it is more "afraid of heat" than adults.
"I can understand that my mother is afraid that I will catch a cold, and she is good to me.
But as a child, I was still disappointed and sad. ”
Even now, she still can't forgive the shadow and pain brought to her by her parents' self-perceived care and love.
In fact, many parents around me are like this.
They always hold the feudal patriarchal system and appear as a condescending teacher for their children.
When the child achieves a little achievement, even if the parents are proud of the child in their hearts, they should lightly mention the phrase "don't be proud";
When children encounter grievances and want to seek comfort, they are reprimanded for "finding more reasons from themselves".
The opening is all reason, the talk is philosophy, but never pay attention to the child's inner emotions.
Can you say that they don't love children?
No, many of them, even if they sacrifice and give everything, have to give their children the ultimate love.
But this love is armed with authority.
On the surface, they take care of their children, but in fact, they only care about whether what they do meets their standards.
Children are not allowed to disobey, children are not allowed to disrespect themselves.
Even when the child questions and resists, he will increase the accusation and control of the child to maintain his central position in the parent-child relationship.
It is said to be love, but in the child's heart, it is hideous.
In the talk show "It's hard to say, I want to hear it", there is a mother and son.
The son is a fashion publicist, and in order to sign a contract, he can frantically accompany clients to drink until he is admitted to the hospital.
But even so, he was reluctant to tell his mother.
I don't even want to admit that it's my home.
My mother was very sad and puzzled.
Later, the son confessed that in his memory, his door was unlocked, and the diary was something his mother could read casually.
Even he learned to skate and fell 13 times, and his mother never helped him once.
Because my mother feels that it is necessary to make him feel stumbling and frustration from an early age, so that he can grow up.
In the end, it turned out that the son did learn to be strong and learn to solve problems on his own, but he would never ask his mother for help again.
Many parents always put themselves in the identity of the comers-by, under the banner of "good for the child", to lead the direction of their children's progress.
But children are people, not things, and they also have their own emotions.
At a time when they need their parents' understanding and support the most, what they get is their parents' indifference, rejection, and neglect again and again.
That disappointment will take root in their young hearts.
There used to be a colleague at the company, and I haven't seen her contact with her family since I met.
Occasionally I receive a call from my parents, and I prevaricate with a few words.
I used to think she was a cool person.
It wasn't until a chat with her that I found out.
When she was a child, her family conditions were not very good, and she didn't have much pocket money, so she saved for a long time before buying a notebook that she liked for a long time, and happily showed it to her mother.
Mom's first words: Where did you get the money?
Mom's second sentence: You have a lot of money and nowhere to spend it, don't you?
When she grew up, she thought that she would make money with a job, and finally qualified to coquette with her mother, and as a result:
She said she was tired at work, and her mother said, then you have a high salary.
She said that she was targeted by the leader, and her mother said, if you are right, can people criticize you?
She said that childhood left trauma, and her mother said, short do you eat and wear? Didn't you study? Raised you to raise sin?
"So now I don't feel like they are relatives at all, stay together and have no words, and I don't want to hear anything from home."
In psychology, this psychological defense mechanism is known as "disappointed emotional isolation."
After accumulating disappointment again and again, they no longer regard their parents as emotional dependents, unwilling to have an emotional connection with their parents, and afraid of being hurt again.
Even if parents later want to express concern, for them, belated concern is like a cotton jacket in summer, a straw mat in winter, and a beautiful word at a funeral.
The intimacy that was once most wanted, now comes with no meaning.
Even when some children desperately want to get rid of the trauma caused by their parents, what parents think is, why don't their children know how to be grateful?
How pathetic.
But today, I don't mean to simply blame my parents.
It is also unfair to parents to put only the blame on them.
Wu Xiaole, a family educator, told the story of student Ji Xiaodi.
Ji Xiaodi is the younger brother in the second-child family, and when he grew up, his parents always compared him with his older sister who excelled academically.
In order to spur him to study, Ji's mother required that every tutoring class should have an exam, and she had to assign double homework to Ji Xiaodi.
However, in the process of coaching, Wu Xiaole found that although Ji Xiaodi had a weak knowledge base, he was very talented in basketball.
But Ji's mother did not care, not only did not let Ji Xiaodi continue to practice, but supervised him more vigorously to study.
As a result, this method not only did not have an effect, but aroused Ji Xiaodi's rebellious mentality, perfunctory to study, and his grades plummeted.
Seeing this scene, Wu Xiaole wanted to persuade Ji Xiaodi's mother to face up to the differences between the two children and not to push the children too hard.
But Mother Ji asked rhetorically:
"As parents, we remind us every day to apologize for our child's rude behavior yesterday, and today we may be praised by others for our child's achievements.
The success or failure of parents is always tied to the child... If you let your children go according to their own interests, and wait until they can't find a formal job in the future, who is the one who really has to take on it?
Teacher, will that person be you? No way? ”
Wu Xiaole was immediately stunned, and he realized:
It turns out that many parents are also struggling, confused and even afraid in pain.
In recent years, with the popularization of psychology, there has been a lot of discussion about the family of origin.
Many people blame all their setbacks and misfortunes on trauma in the process of growing up.
Keep finding examples of "parents ruining themselves" and angrily denouncing "parents are scourge" to reduce their stress and shame.
But the gap between the difficult years has doomed the two generations to different upbringing experiences and ways of thinking.
When parents grew up, material scarcity, survival is more important than health, not to mention the so-called vision, knowledge, parenting concepts...
Their life experience is limited to this, so they can also be anxious when they are under the double pressure of parenting and family life:
If their children are not good enough, how will the outside world question their parents for not raising well.
Under this pressure, many parents prefer to simply and rudely control their children rather than be labeled as "delaying their children".
In addition, parents themselves also have a lot of trauma that has not been resolved, repressed desires, persistent poverty, anxiety, and not being well loved...
Whether intentional or unintentional, the combination of various factors shows the rejection and indifference to the child.
It is common to see a sentence: "Parents are waiting for their children to say thank you, but children are waiting for their parents to say sorry."
But objectively speaking, this is the proposition that the Tao has no solution.
A generation has a generational way of education, and a generation has a generation of inheritance of destiny.
And by the time we can see this, our parents may also be getting older.
How can we blame them, who have never been loved, for having the ability to love us well?
In this world, love and friendship can be chosen, but only family affection cannot be chosen.
When we realize this, many dilemmas are solved.
Psychologist Hu Shenzhi proposed in "Out of the Native Family" that there are three steps to solve the dilemma of the original family:
Accept, Fix, and Block.
1. Accept the existence of trauma
In almost all family parenting models, there is no way to avoid the wrong way of education, and no one's childhood is perfect.
Blindly avoiding and suppressing one's own pain, or hoping that parental changes will heal childhood wounds, will only plunge oneself into the vortex of pain.
The family of origin is not an excuse for us to evade and shirk responsibility.
Only when we accept that the trauma is present can we proceed to the next step of repair and adjustment.
2. Make a connection with your past self
The so-called repair is not to turn over old accounts with parents and tell them how sad and injured they were at that time, but to establish a connection with their then self.
Use the current you, to protect yourself at that time, and tell her with the current perspective:
"Don't be afraid, it's not your fault, it's the adult's fault. Now that you have the power to protect yourself, your feelings and emotions are the most important. ”
3. Block trauma and choose supportive resources
Will the family of origin affect us for the rest of our lives?
Yes, it will affect our attitude in life, but it is not a lifelong destiny.
If you want, you can make a new choice and change for yourself by blocking it.
The way to block is to find supportive resources, either positive people or professionals for help.
"Our feelings and relationships with our parents are a fate that everyone cannot escape, and it is the imprint of strong character. It deeply influences our attitudes toward love, intimacy, and work careers after admitting it. It can be a lifelong yoke or a lifelong medicine. ”
Whether our parents change, whether our parents apologize to ourselves, even if we cannot reconcile with our parents for the rest of our lives, in fact, it does not prevent us from finding our own happiness.
Because the way out of the original family is not waiting for the awakening of parents.
It's whether our growth is enough.
When you have the ability and conscious control of yourself and your environment, you will continue to learn and grow in the process.
Then with a more positive attitude and way, it is passed on to our next generation, forming a virtuous circle.
This is also the biggest meaning of our reflection on family education.
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