It is not that it is difficult for those who lack love to be happy, but that those who lack love will drive away happiness with their own hands.
"Cowards are afraid of happiness, hurt when they touch cotton, and sometimes hurt by happiness."
This sentence in "Human Disqualification" accurately describes the dilemma of the lover in the face of happiness.
The reason for this situation is that children who lack love when they are young generally lack two abilities:
1. The ability to create happiness
2. The ability to perceive happiness
The former is objective ability.
It is often reflected in how you deal with interpersonal relationships, how to deal with life setbacks, and your emotional intelligence and adverse quotient;
And the latter, subjective ability,
It is often reflected in whether your inner world is turbulent, whether your perception can be objective, related to your self-love and self-esteem, and the cognitive perspective when dealing with events.
People who lack these two abilities, in emotional relationships, always present several characteristics:
1. In the face of happiness, repeatedly tempt until you push it away with your own hands
When people who lack love face happiness, they simply cannot accept it calmly.
In the face of happiness, the state presented by the loveless is never to accept and enjoy, but to find ways to corroborate, to destroy, to repeatedly tempt, to touch the bottom line.
The reason is simple: in the subconscious of the lover, they will decide that the beauty in front of them is nothing, vulnerable, and does not belong to them.
The experience of lack of love since childhood has led to low personal recognition, that is, they think that they are not compatible with good things, do not deserve happiness, and will not easily get happiness.
Unless you pay a great price and experience great pain, it is possible to achieve good results - so loveless people tend to be loving, sensitive, and prone to pessimism.
It seems unintentional, but it is actually emotional pain in exchange for his spiritual peace of mind.
When a person's subconscious is skeptical about something, he will continue to prove himself and test until he confirms that his conjecture is correct.
Not to prove how smart you are, but to see as soon as possible what doesn't belong to you, rather than empty joy, it is better not to hope.
2. The requirements for "love" are higher and more demanding, and it is easy to use their own shortcomings to compare the strengths of others
What a person lacks for a long time is prone to excess vanity in this regard.
This vanity is his last strength, in order to find the gap with others, without feeling that he is out of place and inferior to others.
Therefore, the "happiness" of the lover is often not related to the objective situation, but whether he can produce psychological satisfaction after comparing with others.
In other words, the lover's judgment of the environment is often unfair, he does not care about the one-sidedness of others' external appearance, and does not pay attention to the inevitability caused by his own conditions.
Regardless of the premise, compare the gap between your own situation and the situation of others, and then use the final negative results to reinforce the "fact" of your own unhappiness.
To put it simply, many times it is not that the person who lacks love is unhappy, but that he thinks he is unhappy, and uses this self-pity to follow the inertia of his emotions.
3. The perception of positive emotions is low, and the emotional hole is difficult to fill
The reason why loveless people always think they are unfortunate is largely not that they don't get enough, but that they ask for love too much and their emotions are too deep.
Just as dieters are prone to overeating, loveless people will also seek emotional overcompensation, ordinary daily small things, it is difficult to satisfy the high fantasy of "happiness" that makes loveless people, subjective cognition leads to the lack of lovers The threshold is too high, and the sense of satisfaction is weak.
In the same situation, ordinary people will extract emotional values that are beneficial to themselves in order to obtain satisfaction - but this is far from enough for the lover, he can also extract emotional values from it, but it is definitely not to the extent of feeling that he is happy and thus content.
That is, when happiness comes, it desperately tempts and makes wild suspicions;
When happiness is gone, it is difficult to treat rationally, and it is often more paranoid because of this.
4. Intimate relationships will not be handled reasonably
Studies have shown that the key period of a person's emotional formation is 0~6 years old.
This stage greatly affects the child's attitude towards intimacy and self-perception when he grows up.
If you don't get enough attention and care, and your needs don't respond to in a timely manner, it's hard to build a child's emotional system.
In order to adapt to this living condition, children have only two options:
Either suppress emotions, have no desire or want, and over time, will form an "avoidant attachment" personality type;
Either stalking, excessive demand, completely binding their own value to external conditions and treatment, thinking that not being loved is a failure, and over time, it will form a personality type of "anxious attachment".
The above two extremes point to one fact:
People who lack love cannot establish mature and healthy emotional patterns, so in adulthood, they cannot master the correct way to handle intimate relationships, and often lack rational and correct coping measures.
To sum up, if you have had a long-term in-depth relationship with a loved one, you will find a pattern:
The "unhappiness" of a person who lacks a loved one is often not a coincidence, not a misfortune, but an inevitable result of a person's emotional defects.
But the good news is that the lack of love in childhood does not completely determine a person's future direction.
When you are not aware of it, it is easy to be held hostage by instinctive fear;
When you realize that you are in an unhealthy emotional pattern, it is often the beginning of change.
#Emotion##Emotional Office##Emotional Review Awards##Love Spicy Hot##Emotional Headlines ##原生家庭 #
Author: Profound So, Level 2 Counselor; EFT Trained Partner Therapist; Author of the intimate relationship book "Knowing Love, Rebuilding Intimate Relationships" (the book has won the No. 1 hot book list of gender relations on Dangdang.com), translator/proofreader of Dr. Marshall's books "Nonviolent Communication - Gender" and "Nonviolent Communication - Emotions"; If you have any questions, you can consult me by private message~