Tip: In this article, you will see how to communicate effectively with children with behavioral or psychological problems, and you will also discover the essential reasons why children are prone to psychological problems today.
Education cannot be effective without communication, and effective communication is based on a certain relationship. Autistic children have a particularly difficult time communicating because they are closed in their own inner world and have difficulty in establishing relationships with others.
Parent-child relationship, teacher-student relationship, and peer relationship are three common types of relationships in children, in fact, people can also have some kind of relationship with objects, spiritual products (knowledge), and even themselves. For example, a person is playing with an antique, only to see him touching it for a while, knocking it for a while, looking at it with a magnifying glass, and weighing the antique for a while. We see a deep relationship between him and antiques and feel his interest in antiques. So, interest is the total attention paid to something, to someone, here and now.
The parent-child relationship is the initial relationship, which runs through the whole life and also affects other relationships such as teacher-student relationship and peer relationship. The parent-child relationship begins during the fetal period. The mother transports oxygen and nutrients to the fetus through the umbilical cord, which controls the growth and development of the fetus, and the fetus also becomes dependent on the mother through the umbilical cord. As a result, a parent-child relationship of control and dependence arises. When the child is born and the umbilical cord is cut, the mother cannot directly control the baby, and can only make the baby accept the mother's nursing through a relationship of mutual trust.
As the child grows up, he is no longer satisfied with relying solely on his parents, he or she needs to develop his independence. In this case, if parents learn to let go slowly, both to satisfy the child's dependence and independence, a child with a healthy personality can be cultivated; If parents are reluctant to let go and control their children too much, it may promote the child's dependence or stimulate the child's rebellion.
Case 1: Cutting the umbilical cord continuously
When Ms. L was 37 years old, she finally became pregnant with a child. For a while, she didn't care about what she ate and vomited, until the doctor said that the child was severely malnourished and dangerous, and she was worried that the child would not be saved, which caused strong anxiety. This anxiety comes from her inability to control the health of her fetus. Under the guidance of the doctor, amino acids were beaten many times to save the child. This is Ms. L's first experience gaining direct control over her son.
The birth process of the child was also not smooth, with breath holding during childbirth, followed by pathological jaundice, intolerance to a variety of foods, and long-term use of Chinese medicine. However, by this time, the umbilical cord between her and the child had been cut, and she could not deliver nutrients and medicines directly through the umbilical cord to her son, as she had when she was pregnant. In this regard, Ms. L was not psychologically prepared, so from coaxing her son to take medicine directly to forcing her son to take medicine, she was extremely anxious. While other mothers coaxed or forced their children to take medicine, Ms. L was noticeably more anxious. When her son was in the first year of junior high school, he showed obvious discomfort, and he only participated in military training for half a day and took a leave of absence, often did not go to the canteen to eat, Ms. L frequently called the class teacher to the canteen to urge her son to eat, and the class teacher could only arrange for classmates to urge her son to eat. The mother and son duo have one arranged control, one dependence, and tacit understanding. However, the son's dependence also appears in the classroom and homework, and he does not take the initiative to think or take the initiative to do homework, and has no motivation to learn.
Parents and children may be entangled through invisible psychological umbilical cords in their lifetime, but the physiological umbilical cord is easy to break, and the psychological umbilical cord is difficult to break. Parents control their children's self-development through undefined behaviors such as suppression, doting, and overprotection. In these three parent-child relationships, parents play the role of adults, children are forced to play the role of children, and children are characterized by dependence or willfulness (rebellion).
Case 2: Why doesn't my daughter who has always been excellent not study?
The girl Xiao T, a second-year student at a high-quality school, recently resolutely stopped going to school due to emotional problems, on the grounds that the head teacher prefers sons to girls, scolds girls every day and favors boys.
It was learned that Little T's father either ignored her or scolded her since she was a child; Little T's mother feels that her daughter should study well if she is smart, and she can't suffer the loss of low diplomas like herself, and when her daughter learns to slack or talk back, she can't help her fiery temper.
On the surface, Xiao T does not go to school because of the teacher-student relationship. But the strange thing is, why didn't other girls go to school because the teacher preferred sons over girls and scolded girls, and why did Little T resist the teacher's attitude so much? Is it her teacher or her parents who are resisting?
Little T had good grades in elementary school, which she thought was because the teachers she met in elementary school were very gentle. So, Little T subconsciously projected his aggression towards his parents onto the current class teacher (imaginary parents). About this, she seems to know that her so-called psychological problems are only a means to force her parents to change, and her purpose in coming to counseling is actually to want the counselor to do the ideological work of parents, not so simple and rude, and experience her own psychological feelings more. The parents also believe that their daughter has no psychological problems, and the purpose of counseling is to let the counselor do the ideological work of the daughter and let her return to school as soon as possible. Parents and children seem to be separated by a wall, and each thinks that the other is unreasonable.
Since their daughter stopped going to school, Little T's parents have been courting their daughter for a week. Until one day, the daughter called a few classmates to skip class to play in a shopping mall during class, and after the principal found out, he severely criticized Xiao T's parents, saying that they were not responsible and must supervise the children well. If Little T really does not want to go back to school, it is best to take a long leave at the end of the expiry. After returning home, his parents could no longer hide their anger and criticized Little T, but did not dare to scold.
During the consultation, Little T gradually realized that she actually had the ability to transform her parents. Through her "illness", she made her violent parents dare not scold, and even began to please herself. Little T seems to have found the sense of control she has longed for since childhood, but her parents' false change is not what she really wants.
Little T believes that only when you meet gentle teachers and parents who make changes can you calm down and study, but this is actually a misunderstanding. The counselor will try to make Little T understand that his passivity and dependence on learning and the strong suppression of his parents may be mutually inducing reinforcement. The greater the dependence on learning, the greater the power of her parents to suppress her; The more powerful her parents are to suppress her, the more it encourages her dependence, anyway, you are all right, you can say whatever you want, I will not be responsible for my decision. Now Xiao T is able to get her parents to agree to decide one thing (not to go to school) through "illness", but at the same time she has to bear the consequences of this decision.
Parents are able to control their children, and children are born with the ability to control their parents.
Case 3 Anger you and cling to you
(1) The five-year-old sister licked the blocks with her mouth and was reprimanded by her father. The one-year-old and seven-month-old brother also put the blocks to his mouth and pretended to lick them.
(2) The teacher stood on the podium and criticized Student H for his poor test scores, and Student H showed a smile that didn't matter. The teacher told H to stand up, H continued to laugh after standing up, and the teacher couldn't bear to rush to H and slap him on the shoulder.
I asked H, "Why do you do this, knowing that your laughter will irritate the teacher?" His reasoning was that the teacher scolded him every time he was in class and rarely went to the office alone to talk.
We can understand the behavior of classmate H as a rebellion after hurting face, or we can understand it as deliberately provoking the teacher to get an opportunity to get close to the teacher. The reason why the example of a young child irritating his father and the example of classmate H provoking the teacher together is to show that sometimes although people grow up, but the communication method is still using the toddler model, we will think that young children are cute, and understand the similar behavior of adolescent children as unreasonable.
When we can't understand the behavior of some student, we can compare his behavior to that of a young child.
(3) He set fire to the bank's wastebasket. The manager of the bank's lobby reported that a junior high school boy ran to the bank and lit the wastepaper basket with a lighter, which was too dangerous, and asked the school to be educated. It was understood that this boy had some intellectual problems. I asked him, "Why set fire to the bank's wastebasket?" He said, "I miss my grandma." I was strange, so I asked further: "I miss my grandmother, why don't you go to her, does it have anything to do with lighting the wastebasket?" According to the classmate's father, he finally knew that his grandmother had taken him since he was a child, and he died a few years ago, and his parents took him to burn paper for his grandmother. He couldn't understand the different uses of the various papers, he only knew that he missed his grandmother.
The following example shows how a child projects the commission that his father brings to his classmates.
Case 4. Induce conflict and gain attention
(1) Conflict at the initiation ceremony. Once, each of the students sat in the stands with a small national flag to participate in the induction ceremony. At the end of the ceremony, the classmate (classmate E) sitting on the right side of Xiaofeng asked: "Who took my flag?" Xiao Feng pointed to a national flag at the feet of the boy behind him (conflict object F), and pointed to this national flag and said to the boy on the right: "Your national flag is here!" The boy behind was anxious when he heard it: "It's mine!" On what basis do you say it's his! Xiao Feng was also angry: "What do you want?" "The anger between the two sides grew stronger, and finally they fought. The head teacher was very angry and told Xiaofeng to go back to the classroom first and deal with it after the activity was over.
(2) Conflict in extracurricular activities. During an extracurricular art and sports activity, Xiaofeng and a few others watched two classmates play chess. A girl (female classmate E) accidentally swept two chess pieces on the ground, Xiaofeng immediately went up and kicked the girl, so that the two sides scuffled together, and then were pulled away by classmates and sent to the class teacher, the class teacher was very angry, because this is the second time Xiaofeng hit a girl!
Differentiation interpretation:
Regarding the reasons for the conflict, Xiao Feng's explanation is that he "helped find the national flag" and "helped his classmates who played chess to teach the people who swept away the chess pieces" is a good deed, and he did not get anything for doing good deeds, and he was punished for not obeying!
Did Xiao Feng really get nothing?
Xiao Feng initially had nothing to do with the object of the conflict, and he successfully made himself relate to the object of the conflict by "learning from Lei Feng" behaviors such as "helping to find the national flag" and "helping his classmates who played chess to teach the people who swept away the chess pieces". And these "learning from Lei Feng" behaviors objectively played a role in provoking the target of the conflict, and the conflict naturally occurred. After the conflict, some of the surrounding students watched the battle, some persuaded, some reported to the teacher, and the teacher invited the parents. In this way, Xiaofeng's situation has changed, from a "marginal person" who was initially unnoticed to a "focus person" who has been paid attention to by many people. Through such an operation, Xiaofeng projected the subconscious deeds to his classmates.
The following case can show that "love" is the only way for parents and children to establish a deep relationship.
Case 5. Don't use full force, but keep pushing hard
Xiao Lin is only a second-year junior high school student, but he has become a celebrity in the school, a frequent visitor to the Moral Education Department, and the focus of the police station, and even later formed a group to pay attention to him by the District Procuratorate, the District Women's Federation, the community, the street, the principal, the moral education director, the class teacher, and the parents, called "Care for Xiaolin Classmates Group". At first, Xiao Lin just caused trouble at school, and developed into a group fight with young people in society, and what made Xiao Lin's father most sad was that his son stole the family's tobacco and alcohol and took it out to sell, he beat his son, and his son actually used a knife on him, so he had no choice but to call the police and ask the police to discipline.
Xiao Lin's parents have been divorced for many years, his father has always been single, and his mother remarried and had a younger brother. The reason for their divorce, according to Aunt Kobayashi, was that his father gambled and lost the family's savings. At the time of divorce, neither party wants the child, and finally it is agreed who wants the house and who wants the child.
After his parents divorced, Xiaolin gradually became a "troublemaker" in the eyes of his parents and teachers. Because the head teacher asked parents too often, parents also began to prevaricate, on the grounds that they were too busy to go to school. Once, because it was difficult to discipline, Xiao Lin was sent to the moral education office, and the moral education director invited Xiao Lin's parents. The head teacher pointed to the bruise on the back of Xiao Lin's neck and said to the parents: "This doesn't look like a fall, but Xiao Lin was definitely not beaten by others." Xiao Lin's parents looked at each other very covertly and smiled, but this did not escape the eyes of the moral education director. The medical expenses that Xiao Lin had to pay for the fight, his parents gradually became less cheerful, and even began to tear up in front of Xiao Lin. After entering junior high school, Xiaolin's father sent his son to the full nursery near the school to eat and live, and the class teacher thought that the management of the whole nursery was irresponsible and suggested to go home to live, but Xiaolin's father refused. In the end, Xiao Lin said that he was willing to go to live at his aunt's house, feeling as if only his aunt did not dislike him. However, after not staying at his aunt's house for a month, Xiao Lin felt unfree and returned to Quanxiao.
When he was in elementary school, Kobayashi's father also tried to discipline his son. Once, the head teacher called to inform him that Xiao Lin had caused trouble at school. Xiao Lin's father was furious, and when he walked out of the school, he began to beat the child, all the way to home. Since then, Xiao Lin has become more and more estranged from his father and mother. Once Xiao Lin fought with a classmate, causing a classmate to fracture, and the parents of both parties agreed to negotiate compensation at school. Below is a map of the seats of both parties in the meeting room.
After seeing Xiao Lin, the father of the injured classmate began to interrogate loudly, warn Xiao Lin, and constantly smashed the table with his fists, as if he was about to make a move on Xiao Lin. Xiao Lin, who has always been arrogant, still keeps quibbling, but his momentum is obviously weaker, and I feel that he is afraid. Fearing that the conflict would escalate, I immediately walked in and sat on Xiao Lin's left side, separating him from his angry parents. I don't know how Xiao Lin felt, but later, according to the feedback from the class teacher present, Xiao Lin usually didn't listen to anyone, and he turned his face to the side when the class teacher spoke, and that day he looked at me intently and spoke, his face was full of adoration (this is the word used by the class teacher, I think "gratitude" is more appropriate).
A teacher once asked, what should such "oil and salt not enter" students do? I was speechless for a while, not knowing how to answer, as if there was a way, as if I was really powerless.
I remembered a time when Kobayashi was sent to my office for disturbing classroom discipline, and I really didn't know what else to say to him, so I drew a picture for him to see.
Xiao Lin sat on the sofa, cat bent over, eyes staring straight out, and then quietly softened his eyes with his hand, this was the first time I saw him cry. Another time, I said to him: "You are skinny like this, and you still go out to fight, I'm afraid that someone else will beat you, right?" "To prove his strength, he shook hands and wrestled wrists with me, and after a physically exhausting game, he crawled on his desk, his head spinning around, wiping his eyes on his arm, and I saw tears in his arms. I sensibly began to go about my own business, deliberately not seeing his tears, and I thought he could project his feelings for my father to me.
I said, you can pretend not to see his mistakes, but he will feel disliked; You can be as simple and rough or chatter as his dad, but that will fuel his passion to fight you (the hypothetical dad). Therefore, as a teacher, there is no more choice, to scold, to punish, to be angry and laugh, to treat him with an attitude that is not like his parents, let him love and hate you, and then slowly wait for him to return to the right path, do not suddenly disappear in the struggle with him like his parents.
Getting along with a classmate like Xiaolin is like catching a flying shuttlecock with a racket. The surface should follow the flight trajectory of the ball, and then gradually stick the surface of the racket to the ball, constantly unload the force, slow down the ball, and finally stop.
One of the key points to catch a badminton in flight is slowness, which is contrary to the philosophy of many people. Now many people believe in "starting and sprinting, opening decisive battle" and "rapid improvement ××" and other books are hot sellers, overnight riches, fighting, can not calm down to read books, like fragmented information, many students like simple copying, do not like to use their brains to think... After the child starts to read, parents hope that the child can be faster, faster, and when the child is slow, they will urge, urge, urge.
When the speed that parents hope for is beyond the child's ability, or when the child's expectations of himself are too high, TA will be anxious, confidence will be hit, depression will be made, and parents will be forced to lower expectations. Or they will find ways to speed up to please their parents, and smart kids will find that in reality the effort is the least efficient, cheating is faster, and imagination is the fastest. As long as you retract into your imagination and live, you will not fail.
For example, why are one- and two-year-olds particularly prone to falling? The child's head thinks about going to the place in front, TA thinks that he really arrived, and it takes time for his legs to reach that place, so it causes the head in front and the legs in the back tearing state, people don't wrestle!
The most capable organ of the human body is the brain, which is responsible for imagination and desire, but the satisfaction of desires also depends on the actions of the body. The two can be matched to harmonize body and mind. Sun Wukong is a 108,000 li, just the distance to the western sky, why not let Sun Wukong carry the Tang monk to get the scriptures? It turns out that in "Journey to the West", the Tang monk represents the human body (reality), and the Monkey King represents the heart (brain), which will be ape-minded, imaginary, and seventy-two changes; Zhu Bajie represents the desires of ordinary people; The sand monk represents reason, thinking; The White Dragon Horse represents the will. If we want to obtain the true scriptures and achieve success, we must reconcile people's desires, rationality and will through physical tempering, real-world experience, and mind The company of Kobayashi should be slow and long-lasting, and at the same time, it is necessary to guide him to understand the real psychological needs behind his behavior for a long time. Psychoanalysis believes that the needs of the subconscious are expressed in four ways, namely, somatization, behavior, symbolization, and linguisticization.
Long-term negative emotions are not relieved. It will be reflected on the body and manifest itself in the form of somatic symptoms. A person who is chronically anxious is prone to stomach problems.
Kobayashi's need to be loved is manifested through aggressive behavior. Some children may show the need to be loved through self-aggression (self-harm, self-harm, suicide).
Dreaming is the process by which the subconscious mind needs to manifest itself through various symbols.
Linguisticization is the highest level of expression, and language is like the path cultivated between the subconscious and the conscious mind, which can connect the two. If a student's aggression, whether directed at oneself or at others, can be expressed in the form of words, it does not have to be expressed through mental illness or behavioral problems. One of the important jobs of educators is to bridge the path between the student's subconscious and conscious mind.