#大有学问 #
Don't cry if you make a mistake - "You did something wrong, and you still have the face to cry?" ”
Don't cry if you smash the test - "What's the use of crying?" There is a crying kung fu to get the results! ”
Don't cry when you're sad and sad - "Just know what you will do except cry?" ”
Many people think that crying seems to represent a kind of "negative energy", which means failure, cowardice, willfulness. Therefore, when the child is sad and crying, helpless crying, or crying in pain or grievance, usually parents will immediately say "don't cry", let the child quickly stop crying, and keep his ears clean. At the same time, we believe that if the child stops crying and laughing, this trouble will pass.
However, is this really the case?
·Parents·
I was not allowed to express my emotions, which made it difficult for me to empathize with the emotions of others.
- Huguang, civil servant
When I was a child, I was beaten a lot because I cried, and finally I was beaten into a stubborn girl who never cried again.
Yes, what is the use of crying, and if tears are useful, then what do you need your brain for? Growing up, I have always lived a strong life and been seen as strong in the eyes of others. I thought it was fine until I became a mother.
The child's cry became my curse, and if I coaxed him for five minutes and he didn't hold his mouth, I would turn into a fried rooster, a pufferfish, a hedgehog with a thorn, and I was on the verge of breaking down.
In contrast, my husband is much more tolerant of children's crying.
During a small talk, he said that he took a nap as a child, once overslept, and when he woke up to find that it was nearly dusk, he was inexplicably sad, so he cried loudly. At this time, his mother held him and caressed his back until he cried enough. Enough crying, emotions released, everything is fine.
I had an epiphany at that moment: a person who had been allowed to express emotions had the ability to catch the emotions of others. I have been suppressed tears and suppressed emotions since I was a child, and the result of my feelings being isolated is that it is difficult for me to empathize with any emotions and moods of others, including my children.
This epiphany was one of the important nodes in my life change.
Last week, one of my girlfriends told me about her marital woes, and when she was sad, she cried on the other end of the phone. I didn't hang up, but patiently accompanied her. After listening to her cry for half an hour, I asked, are you okay? She said: "After crying, it seems that my heart is stronger than before. ”
Yes, only after we allow ourselves to shed tears and allow ourselves to be weak will we truly understand what resilience is.
In many cases, crying is more useful than preaching, more useful than judging, more useful than pointing, more useful than life coaching. Because it represents a permit, an acceptance, and a compassion, and "don't cry" and "don't cry" are the traps that make us and our children feel depressed.
If we never dare to face sadness and tears, we will never be able to become empathetic people and mothers with empathy. And our children will also be forced to learn to suppress and learn emotional isolation after not allowing crying again and again.
In fact, when you really understand human nature, you will find that being able to express sadness is not a vulnerability, but a kind of strength. Sadness is not terrible, sadness is also an outpouring of true feelings. So do we, and so do children.
·Teachers·
"Allowing him to cry" is more important than "making him laugh."
——Zhang Jing, the principal of a kindergarten
The 4-year-old wanted to build a tower as tall as himself. However, the building blocks always collapsed, and finally he cried angrily. Seeing this, the mother quickly came over to comfort him: "The baby doesn't cry, the mother will help you take it." ”
Tong Tong was unwilling: "Don't, don't, don't!" ”
The mother tried to divert the child's attention: "How about we eat something delicious?" ”
Tong Tong was still unwilling: "If I don't eat or eat, I just want to build a very tall tower!" ”
Mom took out her hand: "Don't you love watching cartoons the most?" I'll show you cartoons. When Tong Tong heard that there was a cartoon to watch, he stopped crying and showed a smile. Seeing the child smile, the mother breathed a sigh of relief, stepped forward to kiss the child, and her mood was much brighter.
In life, this situation is common. At first glance, the strong maternal love, the mother uses her own strength to find ways to bring the child out of the bad mood, isn't it good? However, if you look at it from the perspective of a professional educator, it is found that mothers feel anxious about their crying children instead of giving tender acceptance.
Tong's Journey:
I always thought that I was all-powerful and could do whatever I wanted, but now I can't build the tower I want, what's wrong? Am I not all-powerful? It makes me angry and sad, I have to cry for a while, I am actually not all-powerful...
Mom came, and she looked nervous and anxious. It seems that this thing is really terrible, she and I can't face it, she doesn't want to see me cry, I guess crying is a very bad thing.
Look, she's trying to make me happy and not make me cry. But I wanted her to see my sadness and understand my feelings, but she didn't want to, chose to ignore it, and she suggested that I watch cartoons.
In that case, well, I'll watch cartoons, I like cartoons anyway.
So, I smiled, my mother was not anxious, and kissed me. I know: I laugh, she loves me; When I cry, she is not happy.
Tong Tong's mother's mental journey:
The baby was angry because he couldn't build the blocks and cried about it. The child works so hard and can't build blocks, it's too pitiful.
I am a good mother, I want to make my child happy and happy, and not let him be immersed in bad emotions.
Look, I did it, he laughed! I am very happy and give him a kiss to express my happy mood.
From the whole process of the matter, we can see that the mother has never seen the child's inner needs, she only sees her own needs: I don't want to see the child's tears, the child's crying makes me feel anxious, I hope the child does not cry and laugh. In this way, I will feel like a good mother; In this way, my mental state is much more comfortable.
I think my analysis may find it difficult for some mothers to accept. But the truth is often cruel, and it is not easy to detect and face, which is also the difficulty of parents' self-growth.
Parents' refusal to face their children's frustration is actually depriving their children of the opportunity to grow. The child feels omnipotent in infancy, and as cognitive abilities improve and the range of activities expands, real life will definitely break his sense of omnipotence. Just like a child can't build the tower he wants, this is an inevitable frustration experience.
In this process, he will experience and gradually accept the fact that he is not all-powerful, and on this basis, develop a strong heart and resistance to setbacks.
Life will naturally give each child this opportunity, let him break the sense of omnipotence, make him sad, cry, give him the opportunity to know and accept his true self, and not continue to maintain illusions and maintain false self-confidence with the help of competent parents.
Crying is the beginning of a child's setback. In the sad crying, the child will eventually understand that "he is limited", and when he recovers after crying, he will gain real growth and slowly become stronger.
But if the mother cannot see the child sad, driven by anxiety, deprives the child of the experience and experience of recovering from setbacks.
In this life, no one will always be smooth without setbacks. So, from this point of view, allowing the child to cry is more important than making him laugh.
·Experts·
Crying is a natural healing process.
——Jinghua, national second-level psychological counselor
Crying is a necessary process for healing emotional wounds. With parents by the child's side, he will feel supported and cared for in his most difficult times. Once he has eliminated his troubles by crying, he can face life with confidence again. So, when a child cries, if we focus on him instead of stopping him, we can make him face the difficult situation more calmly and recover quickly from the injury.
What details do we need to pay attention to when a child cries?
1. Don't show uneasiness and don't give him advice
For example, if your child is crying because he fell while running, you just put your arms around him and listen to him cry. You may be tempted to blame him for being careless, but please don't do it. When your child cries, focus entirely on his feelings and your presence, paying no attention to anything else. When he cries, he doesn't listen to any advice, and any blame you make will only deepen the hurt he has received.
When your child has cried enough and feels safe again, he will be eager to know what just happened, and you just need to say lightly, for example, "There is water in that place, maybe you didn't pay attention."
2. Get close to your child, put your arms around him, and make eye contact
Don't let your child lie on your shoulder or bury his head in your knee and cry. Gently encourage him to look up at you and feel your care and love for him. He may cry harder if he notices your loving gaze, but your patience will eventually ease him. Gentle touch, holding him in your arms and gently shaking him, will send your concern directly into his heart, and words are superfluous at this time.
3. Kindly ask your child to tell you about his troubles
The child cries loudly, it will not be for nothing. The deeper the grievance, the less likely it is for the child to speak. You have to keep a keen eye on whether he opens his mouth or not, and you have to cry before and talk later.
4. Give your child a sense of security
If you find that your child is afraid of a particular thing, reassure him that you will protect him from harm.
5. Don't comment on your child's emotions
We are always used to looking at things from our own experience, feeling that it is not worth it for children to be sad about this little thing, and we need to change this. When the child is sad, do not despise him, it is best to say to him "I am sad that you are so sad" or "You are not feeling good, I am here with you", so as to give the child the opportunity to face up to and deal with his bad emotions.
6. Allow children to cry freely without time limits
The child may cry at first for what just happened, and then he may think of what happened before, and the more he cries, the more sad he is. And the gentler your performance, the longer he cries, the more he cries, because he feels your support and attention, and the more he feels wronged.
If the child cries for a long time, do not limit him, just sit down, hold him in your arms and allow him to cry out of his inner grievances. This is your child's chance to deal with bad emotions, and it is also your chance to immerse your child's heart with love.
7. Your child may need to sleep after crying
After a cry, your child is likely to be exhausted and needs some sleep.
8. After crying sufficiently, children will have a higher comprehension of life
Take care to capture the sparkle in his nature, see his growing confidence, and don't miss showing your love for him.
Life is not always sweet, sadness and fear are normal emotional reactions, so it is common for children to cry. Crying is a signal that helps parents get to know their children. We should overcome our inner anxiety, accept our children's bad emotions, return the right to "cry" to our children, accompany him, listen to him, hug him, give him enough security, let him know himself in our warm embrace, and learn bravery.
END
Author: Pei Lei
Editor: Zhuang Qingqing
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