After the child makes a mistake
The most likely misunderstanding for parents
As an excellent actress, Mei Ting has received widespread attention from everyone since her debut, and her starring role in "Don't Talk to Strangers" has become a "horror" classic in the hearts of a generation.
Some time ago, when Mei Ting and her daughter quickly recorded the variety show "Mama is Superman", there was a scene that caused heated discussion.
At that time, the family met a vegetarian little sister in the supermarket and reached out for a quick balloon.
Only three years old, Kuai Kuai was very "ownership conscious", and directly hammered the little sister with his fist, and the little sister was immediately confused.
After Mei Ting's husband saw it, he pushed his daughter to apologize, but he didn't expect to quickly think that he didn't hit anyone and didn't admit that he was wrong.
Mei Ting's husband said at this time: "If you are so unkind, your father will not like you at all."
Hearing this, I quickly apologized, but I was not happy the whole time afterwards.
Netizens also discussed: children hit people is definitely not right, need to stop and educate; but is it appropriate for dad to deal with it this way?
In fact, just looking at this fragment, there is indeed something inappropriate.
First, it is direct criticism in public.
Although the child is small, he has begun to care about the eyes and opinions of others. There are many parents who do not pay attention to the occasion of criticizing their children, and in public places where there are many people, they loudly reprimand their children and attract attention from the surrounding areas, which undoubtedly has a negative impact on the growth of children.
Second, it's a "I don't like you anymore" threats.
What children are most afraid of is that their parents do not like and do not love themselves, so when they hear such words, it is easy to compromise. But children admit mistakes not because they really know and admit to being wrong, but simply avoid threats from their parents. Parents may also find this sentence very useful, often hanging on their lips, not thinking about it. But over time, he will take this sentence seriously, thinking that "my parents don't love me" and "I don't deserve to be loved." Such negative beliefs will make them grow up far from happiness.
In the end, there is no explanation of the mistakes made by the child, and no countermeasures are discussed.
In this example, you can see that the fast is the first to be robbed of the balloon, and there is an emotion so it hits people. And when parents educate, they don't directly point out that hitting people is wrong, why it's not right, and how to deal with it next time if there is emotion... When the child does not know where he is wrong, and does not know other ways to deal with it, then the next time he encounters a similar scene, he is likely to repeat the same mistakes.
These major misunderstandings can actually be classified as "punishment law" - this is also the most common method used by parents in the face of children making mistakes.
However, a large number of psychological studies have shown that the use of punishment to discipline young children can only lead to short-term obedience, and does not help long-term changes in children's behavior.
In a word, the "punishment law" is useless.
The reason is that the more young children are punished, the more likely they are to affect the development of psychological ability, produce various psychological problems, make more mistakes, receive more punishment, and fall into a vicious circle.
Dr. Zhang Yijun, a well-known psychologist and expert in emotional intelligence education, reminds that parents who discipline with severe punishment may have the following negative effects:
Severe punishment can have a negative impact
1. Swearing increases the aggression of young children because parents set an example;
2. Children who are severely disciplined will develop a long-term sense of personal threat, making them only able to pay attention to their own emotions, and more powerless to care about the feelings of others;
3. Children who are often punished will learn to avoid punishing their parents, who will have less opportunity to guide their children in the future.
4. When the general punishment is found to be ineffective, parents may escalate the punishment and eventually develop corporal punishment or even abuse, and the child is easy to inherit this education method when he grows up.
——The above content is compiled by Dr. Zhang Yijun
Online Certification Course for Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Education Instructors
Therefore, if only the attempt is to take effect in the short term, reprimands and scolding can stop the child's misconduct.
But in the long run, bear children may be in a situation where the more they punish the bear.
Improve problem behaviors in young children
Parents do this most effectively
Speaking of this scene at the beginning, some viewers spoke up for Mei Ting's husband, thinking that perhaps the method was debatable, but the starting point was understandable.
Because in the previous episodes, Kuaikui showed a strong aggressiveness.
She would sometimes reach out to hit her one-year-old brother, and when she was impatient with her grandfather, she would also reach out and hit him.
Therefore, Mei Ting's husband saw that her daughter not only hit people at home, but also began to attack others in public, and it is estimated that her heart was also anxious, falling into her own emotions and taking the simplest and most direct way.
Before going to primary school, if you find that your child likes to hit people, it will undoubtedly cause parents a headache.
Behind this problem, it reflects the underdevelopment of children's moral consciousness: they are not yet aware that some behaviors are not "good".
Normally, from the age of 2 to 3, young children begin to develop two important emotional intelligence (or higher emotions): empathy and guilty, which are the basis of moral awareness.
Empathy, let the child know that others and their own feelings are not the same, so the things that make them happy (monopolizing things, hitting people, etc.) may be unhappy.
Guilt is a high-level emotion that children socialize. Psychologist Hoffman argues that guilt is a reflection on the conscience of an individual's actions that harm others or violate moral rules, and is a negative experience of being responsible for behavior.
If children over the age of 3 are highly aggressive, parents should not consider reasoning, threatening, or scolding:
"You are not allowed to do this"
"If you do this again, we won't want you"
"When I get home, I'll take care of you"...
Rather, it is to help the child develop these two kinds of emotional intelligence (or higher emotions).
So how do you do that? Dr. Zhang Yijun suggested that you can try the "guidance method":
In the first season of "Where Did Daddy Go", Zhang Liang used the guidance method.
Every day when he first came to the camp, he was very uncomfortable, and he refused to get up, which made him and the people in the program group very embarrassed.
In the evening, Zhang Liang patiently played a game of role swapping with his son:
"If you're the village chief, I'm you, and now it's dawn, and you're going to wake up the children."
For the first time, Zhang Liang learned to look normal every day, rolling his legs on the bed, resolutely unable to afford it.
The second time, after Hearing the call of the tiantian assembly, Zhang Liang immediately got up and said, "Arrive, village chief!" ”
Zhang Liang asked Tian Tian, if you are the village chief, which kind do you like?
Tian Tian immediately understood the feelings of the village chief and quickly said: I prefer obedience.
To sum up, when young children have bad behavior, parents should guide their children -
(1) Be aware of the emotions of others
For example, you see, you snatched your sister's toy, she cried, do you think she is happy or sad?
If you get robbed of a toy by someone else, you'll be sad too, won't you?
(2) Promote the formation of conscience
How do you feel when you see your sister sad?
You're not comfortable with that either, are you?
So it's not right to rob people of things, because then the person who is robbed will be sad and you will not be comfortable.
(3) Learn how to cope with the current situation
I know you're angry because your sister didn't play with your toys with your consent.
The next time we're angry, we can say something like this... Instead of directly grabbing, you can't beat people.
(Teach children how to manage anger)
—— The study found that when parents use the guidance method, young children will have less inappropriate behavior, have the courage to confess and make up for their mistakes after doing wrong, and show friendly behavior.
Conversely, excessive reliance on educational methods such as the threat of punishment or the need to withdraw love for them can make children feel anxious and frightened, making them unclear about what to do and preventing them from truly internalizing moral rules.
In addition, suspension laws (allowing out-of-control children to leave the current situation until they calm down) and the abolition of privilege laws (saying the rules in advance about what cannot be done and doing them will cancel the original rights) can also help children develop moral awareness and exhibit friendlier behavior.
The above content is compiled from Dr. Zhang Yijun's "Online Certification Course for Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Education Instructors"
Science cultivates emotional intelligence
Give your child a happy and successful life
Empathy, conflict resolution, anger management and other abilities actually belong to the category of emotional intelligence.
Professor Harari, author of the best-selling books A Brief History of Mankind and A Brief History of the Future, said: "In the face of the future of artificial intelligence, human beings rely on emotional intelligence and resilience to win. ”
If we can develop these emotional intelligence in the early stages of life, our children's future academic performance, habit formation, interpersonal communication, work adaptation, intimate relationships and other aspects of development will be more worry-free and smooth, and it will be easier to achieve success and feel happy!
Dr. Zhang Yijun, a well-known psychologist and expert in emotional intelligence education, led a professional team of psychology to develop for many years and established the "Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Age-sharing Development and Education System", and children at each age stage have emotional intelligence suitable for development.
If the current stage of the baby's emotional intelligence development is insufficient, the parenting process of parents may encounter various problems -
Babies love to lose their temper and cry at every turn, which makes people have a headache.
The child is not confident, does not dare to speak in public, and does not know what to do.
Children especially like to play games, and good habits are difficult to form.
……
Parenting articles read countless articles, and the children forgot all about them.
Experts have had countless sessions in online classes, and the children have no sense when they cry.
Obviously, I want to be a good parent, I am fully invested in time and energy, and I am still helpless when I encounter problems.
These headaches of parenting are like a locked door. Inexperienced parents can not move how to bump and how to smash, anxiety and despair are naturally inevitable.
But if you find the right key to insert into the lock, the door opens with a gentle push.
Behind this "door of parenting problems" that parents can't smash, it is written that "children's emotional intelligence is underdeveloped".
And the name of this key is called "Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Education".