Today I would like to share a very enlightening point:
"There is no marriage in my love."
This comes from 41-year-old Nicholas Tse. Two days ago, he was interviewed, and the reporter used to ask him about his relationship, asking when to get married?
His rare direct response:
"Won't get married."
The love between Nicholas Tse and Faye Wong is almost always in the live broadcast of the media.
At the age of 20, the media filmed "Holding Hands of the Century". Nicholas Tse replied to his feelings for his lover, "Deep love."
Over the years, both have experienced a long period of marriage. Nowadays, the relationship is more low-key and more grounded.
In the rare frame, they were photographed eating together, walking together, and getting vaccinated together.
It's hard to believe that they are both over 90 years old together.
In the 7 years of getting back together, they reached a consensus not to get married.
It's a very emotional thing, and it offers a new possibility:
There can be no marriage in love.
The destination of a relationship does not have to be marriage.
I know that "there is no marriage in love" often faces a kind of accusation and questioning:
Don't want to take responsibility?
Isn't feeling enough?
Can't get married?
Will you break up?
It's unsettling.
But today I would say that what is even more disturbing is the current situation faced by the vast majority of marriages:
"There was no love in my marriage."
Sad enough, realistic enough.
The last time I heard this comment was when entrepreneur Bill Gates got divorced.
He and his wife, Melinda, have been married for 27 years and have been praised as "the most suitable couple" and "sane and efficient."
Bill Gates himself has prided himself more than once, "Getting married is the smartest decision I've ever made."
Just like on the eve of his wedding, he used a whole blackboard to analyze the pros and cons of his wife's marriage.
The final conclusion is:
"The pros outweigh the cons."
But years later, he confessed to his friends that there was no love in marriage.
What about the wife's feelings in a loveless marriage?
When the divorce was announced, Melinda did not speak much and was a silent wife.
But her actions were unusually resolute:
Remove the husband's surname;
Left her husband and went to a small island;
And the judge stressed that the breakdown of the marriage could not be recovered and that no support from the spouse would be required in the future.
The more determined she left, the more she could sense her patience and pain in marriage.
If you've followed this almost world-famous couple, you've heard this comment more than once:
Adaptation.
The most suitable partner; the most suitable parenting partner; the best public welfare partner...
Like we've heard a lot of "fit" rules in marriage —
"How can a person with a Beijing hukou marry a person who does not have a Beijing hukou?"
"The wife is a teacher, solving the children's education, is a high match."
"Undergraduate graduation 985, the other side of the undergraduate is not two books."
……
But the marriage that is suitable cannot be maintained.
I am reminded of the reminder of Shen Yifei, associate professor of the Department of Sociology at Fudan University:
"Don't overestimate your endurance for a loveless marriage."
I often hear backstage about the reasons why many people decide to get married:
"It's getting old"
"Can't fault it"
"The way most people are choosing, it must be right"
I think of a Korean drama I once watched, Spring Night. The heroine's boyfriend who has talked for 4 years asked her:
Or else?
Why don't you get married after talking about love for so long?
Even their relationship is experiencing many serious problems.
If you look back and think about it, most of the moments when you decide to get married, it is not a choice, but inertia,
"Slipped" into marriage.
It is as if you have been in love for a long time, and if you don't get married, you can't end it.
Even sometimes,
The offer to marry is made when one party decides to break up.
In the movie "Bouquet of Love", which touched me a lot recently, boys and girls talked about 4 years of brilliant campus love.
In the end it was crumbling: a life of disjointment, less and less communication, resentment accumulated with each other.
But in order to keep the relationship from ending,
The boys came up with a straightforward solution:
Get married.
"After marriage,
Let's live together.
We're going back to where we were before.
Married couples in this world,
Will slowly forget the feeling of being in love. ”
He rationally depicted the scene after marriage:
He's going to be a dad and she's going to be a mom.
Hold hands and go for a walk. Push a stroller to go shopping and buy a car to go camping.
"Take the time to live this life together."
The heroine rationally refused:
"Do you want to lower the bar again?"
Problems don't automatically disappear with marriage.
Using a seemingly harmonious married life does not cover up the loopholes in each other's relationships.
Although it is often said that marriage requires impulse. But I feel that marriage is often used as a "fast food" solution.
For example, it is used to end suffering.
The writer Alain De Botton soberly poked:
"We pin our hopes on marriage,
It can completely end the domination of love over the pain of our lives. ”
Maintaining a romantic relationship requires energy and effort. Get married, once and for all.
For example, it is used to end loneliness.
I've heard too many fears of living alone and growing old alone, which also seems to be an expectation of marriage:
No matter how difficult it is to line up with life, there will be someone to accompany you in a double row.
But I must share this reminder with you, from Kerry Nümberg, author of The Single Society:
"There's nothing more lonely than living with the wrong people."
So you'll see questions like this on social networks:
Will you also be lonely after marriage?
The answer is: Absolutely.
"Only meet after work one day.
Eating together, he kept brushing videos and didn't lift his head. ”
@Nann
"After getting married, I lost almost all my girlfriends. Just go back to your mother's house alone,
The first sentence must be asked:
'Why didn't he come?' ’
He and I were already tied. My own life, like transparency. ”
@Minglili
A female elder whom I respected told me:
"If you don't learn to be alone, you become more lonely."
That's why I want to share this point today:
A successful relationship doesn't have only one ending.
"There is no marriage in love" is also an option.
Singer Chen Qizhen also chose this way.
Although she and her boyfriend eventually broke up, ending an 18-year relationship. But I want to show you their common statement, which is very touching:
"There are many possibilities for successful relationships.
Every relationship will go to the next stage,
Some people are married.
(Some people aren't)"
Everyone laments that there is no happy ending in this relationship.
Some people also question whether obtaining a certificate earlier will be able to restrain the other party and will not disperse?
But they held each other's shoulders and explained to everyone:
The 18 years that both parties spent together, there was no waste.
18 years,
Doesn't make us doubt love,
On the contrary, it makes us more willing to love and be loved.
Know how to love people,
It's the grown-ups. ”
Isn't that another kind of happy ending?
I also want to share with you another woman, actress Qu Jiarui.
People who are familiar with "Kangxi Lai" must know her, "the most terriered guest".
She is 56 years old and still unmarried, but she has been in love. The headline of the interview with her in People magazine was, "Qu Jiarui is always in love."
At the age of 30, she almost got married.
It's first love. The two sides were reunited. The other party is a doctor, and the salary and social status are superior.
Deciding to break up was a small talk:
- "How much do you really love me?" ”
- "I love you very much,
You are like the ceramic statue on display in our living room, and I want to protect you well.
You can talk so well, and you bring it out, the hospital colleagues will envy me. ”
(Above from People magazine)
Qu Jiarui decided to break up.
"He sees me as a ceramic, not even a person."
The girls like Qu Jiarui, who has been in love all along, and regard her as an idol.
Interestingly, when the big S flashed marriage and had children, the girls rushed to leave a message to Qu Jiarui, please don't get married, otherwise there will be no worshippers.
Qu Jiarui soberly told everyone that there is no possibility in life without marriage.
Rather, your choice to marry or not to marry,
"Always be loyal to yourself."
This is also what I want to share with you again today, "there is marriage in love", "there is no marriage in love", are all optional.
But none:
A must for all women.
As the writer Sanmao said in the "Scarecrow Handbook":
"I love seeing happy people, whether they're married or not."
Written by: Tulla
Editor-in-charge: Yuan Cangliang
Vespers Hours:
Just like there is no exact same pain in the world,
There is no exact same happiness in the world.
There are many possibilities for a happy relationship,
Not necessarily married,
Other possibilities can be looked for.