Over the years, the concept of "delayed gratification" has been hyped up. Admired by a number of well-known people, many parents even simply and crudely equate the ability to "delay gratification" with the bright future of their children. Among them, there are some parents, just from the literal meaning of the four words "delayed gratification", they begin to practice it seemingly without understanding:
| The child was bullied at school, obviously he could comfort him in time, but he had to put the child aside and reflect on his mistakes first;
| Obviously promised the child to buy toys if he took A for the final test, but after the child got A, the parents dragged it out again and again, and in the end, they couldn't do it, and they had to blame the child for playing...
In fact, the above practices not only do not positively cultivate children's "delayed gratification" ability, but will become a stumbling block on the child's road.
Due to the long-term lack of positive feedback from parents, children will feel emotionally deprived and always feel that they are not good enough to be treated like this. Extreme children can even hold grudges against their parents, which can eventually lead to big mistakes.
Why is "delayed gratification" all over the world? How can parents correctly practice the "delayed gratification" education method to improve their children's self-control? In what ways can the ability of "delayed gratification" help children grow?
In fact, it all starts with the "marshmallow experiment" initiated by the famous psychologist Professor Walter Michel. Walter Michel spent his life studying self-control, tracking the "Marshmallow Experiment" for half a century. It is this dedication and depth of research that has made him 25th on the list of the 100 most famous psychologists of the 20th century.
No matter how much you think you know about the marshmallow experiment, Michelle's book "Delayed Gratification" is sure to subvert your existing perception.
01
"Marshmallow experiment" and "delayed gratification",
What does it really matter?
The marshmallow experiment began in the 60s of the 20th century in preschoolers at Stanford University kindergarten-Bing Kindergarten. For the study, the researchers asked the children to make a challenging choice:
| Get a small bonus right away (like a piece of marshmallow)
| Or wait alone for 20 minutes before getting a bigger reward (like two marshmallows)
The researchers allowed the children to choose their most desired reward from a variety of snacks, such as cookies, pretzels, mints and more. There is a bell next to the marshmallow, and the children can ring the bell at any time to call the researcher over, after which she can eat the marshmallow.
If the child hadn't eaten that marshmallow or left his seat, he would have been given two marshmallows when the researchers returned.
The children's performance varied: some eagerly rang the bell the next second the researchers left; Others diverted themselves in various ways, eventually sticking around until the researchers came back and got 2 marshmallows.
Unexpectedly, how these preschoolers perform while waiting, how they succeed in delaying gratification, and how they fail, can predict their future lives to some extent.
After decades of tracking and observation, researchers have found that the longer children can wait at the age of four or five, the higher their scores on the SAT (American Academic Assessment Test), and the stronger their social skills and cognitive function during adolescence.
Further on, those preschoolers who can wait for a long time reach the age of 27~32, have a better sense of self-worth, are more efficient in achieving their goals, and are more comfortable in the face of setbacks and pressure.
By middle age, if areas of the brain associated with addiction and obesity were scanned, the group of children who could keep waiting (high latency) would also show a very different picture than those who could not keep waiting (low latency).
After tracking for more than half a century, Professor Michelle and his team can finally come to the bold conclusion that children with high latency tend to have stronger self-control, and that self-control is critical to pursuing long-term goals, as well as the self-discipline and empathy necessary for interpersonal care and support. While self-control doesn't promise success and a better future, it can often help us make difficult choices and persevere toward achieving our goals.
This is why the majority of parents are advocating the "delayed gratification" education method, and even some parents unscrupulously let their children wait and wait, blindly believing that as long as the child can wait and endure, he can reap a better life. The abuse of delayed gratification is also one of the reasons why the "marshmallow experiment" and "delayed gratification" education method have been widely criticized in recent years.
02
"Marshmallow experiment", is it really scientific?
Over the years, we've seen too many voices refuting the "marshmallow experiment" and "delayed gratification" theory. Especially today, when the epidemic has just improved, many families believe that "living in the moment" and "enjoying pleasure in time" is the true meaning of life's pursuit, blindly letting children suffer and wait, but not a good educational strategy.
What's more, Michelle's "marshmallow experiment" is a complete fallacy and has no strict theoretical basis.
So, is the so-called marshmallow experiment really about making children wait? What abilities does it observe? And is there sufficient sample size to support it? What about variable control?
In Professor Michelle's book "Delayed Gratification", the doubts of the majority of readers are finally answered.
(1) Marshmallow experiments should be conducted in a trusted environment
Some counter-opponents argue that if kids don't trust researchers at all, then they won't choose to wait. In this way, the conclusions of the marshmallow experiment are rooted in the wrong premises.
And Michelle's research has a very important premise, that is, to first build children's unconditional trust in researchers.
Here's how the research team did:
To make sure the children can trust the researchers who make the commitment, the researchers play with them for a while until they relax. The children were then seated around a small table with ringing bells.
To further increase trust, the researchers repeat a process: they step out of the room, then ask the children to ring the bell, and the researchers immediately run back and confirm to the children: "Look, you called me back!" "As soon as the children are called, the researchers will come back.
Until the children understand this, the self-control experiment can begin.
Projected into real life, many parents will only blindly complain that their children are "stupid" and "lazy", only like to ask, and never want to "get" through hard work. Have these parents also created an environment of trust for their children?
| When you promise your child to buy him a gift if he gets an A in the final exam, do you fulfill your promise in time?
| When a child desperately wants something, do you choose to tell him, "Baby, this item takes 3 days to arrive, let's wait patiently, okay?" "Or do you have to wait for your children to wait 3 days?"
Think clearly about this problem, and a lot of confusion will be broken. If an environment of trust is not established, no amount of waiting for the child will be in vain.
(2) "Variables" in the marshmallow experiment
Many people also asked, what if a child from a poor family who has never eaten marshmallows is placed in the marshmallow experiment with a child from a wealthy family who can often eat marshmallows? Can't children from poor families can't help but eat a delicacy they have never enjoyed, and then they can conclude that they have poor self-control?
This rebuttal is also due to the lack of understanding of the background of the marshmallow experiment.
In the 60s of the 20th century, the first generation of marshmallow experiments was carried out at the Penn Kindergarten affiliated with Stanford University. Located within the Stanford University, it is a comprehensive institution for early education and research. Penn has large glass windows, a small playground, and even a small research room for researchers to observe children's behavior.
It is not difficult to see that such kindergartens only have the opportunity to send children in from wealthy families. But given the situation at Stanford University in the '60s and '70s, the situation in California, and the height of the counterculture and the fierce battles of the Vietnam War, Professor Michel knew that their discovery might have been accidental.
So decades after conducting research at Stanford, in order to test his theory, Michelle led students and many collaborators off the Stanford campus to conduct experiments on different groups of people at different times, and they came to the "dirty" South Bronx Public School.
They found that even experiments on children living in very different backgrounds and conditions produced the same results!
Unlike the sunny oasis of the Stanford campus surrounded by tall palm trees, South Bronx Public Junior High School has a harsh defense system, with badly damaged classrooms, peeling drywall on the ceiling, large broken glass windows nailed to wooden boards, and dim light bulbs burning out from time to time.
The research project at this public secondary school lasted five years. Before the experiment, Michelle asked students at the school to rate each other's social acceptance, and teachers to rate their aggression.
The results of the two groups of evaluations showed correlation: students who were considered more aggressive by teachers were less accepted by their classmates and received more negative evaluations. And these children, in the marshmallow experiment for admission, quickly rang the bell and took away the reward in front of them, showing a very obvious "low latency".
(3) The ability to delay gratification is the result of warm nurturing
Many widely disseminated articles against delayed gratification education are based on the misconception that children can improve self-control as long as delayed gratification education is practiced. In fact, the marshmallow experiment was aimed at preschoolers. "Delayed gratification" is useless for babies before the age of 3.
Michelle pointed out in "Delayed Gratification" that the love and attention, neglect and abuse that babies receive in the process of being raised are etched in their brains and always determine what kind of person they become in the future.
Babies' brains are plastic, and if babies experience extremely negative situations, such as rough scolding, apathetic environments, their primary nervous system is very vulnerable to destruction. Even weak environmental stressors, such as long-standing non-physical conflicts between parents, can cause neurological damage in small babies.
Experiments have shown that babies who grow up in a warm environment tend to show more self-control in marshmallow experiments. Children need to learn to regulate impulses, implement self-control, control emotions, and form empathy, concentration and conscience as they grow up, and the experience of growing up before the age of 6 will lay the foundation for the formation of these abilities.
It can be seen that the marshmallow experiment does not take "delayed gratification ability" as the reason for children's success, but the result of parents' correct guidance and education.
03
From the point of view of brain science,
Why do "high latency" children have a better life?
The secret of children's self-control comes from the prefrontal cortex region of the brain. This is the most evolved region of the brain that produces and supports "high-order" cognitive abilities unique to humans. Simply put, the more "high-delayed" children are, the more fully developed their prefrontal cortex.
In addition to cooling impulses, the prefrontal cortex regulates our thoughts, actions, and emotions, is a source of creativity and imagination, and plays an important inhibitory role in interfering with inappropriate behavior that interferes with our pursuit of goals. When the situation the child is in changes, it helps the child to readjust his attention and flexibly change strategies.
Within the first year of a baby's life, the prefrontal cortex begins to develop in a specific way that is critical for self-control and autonomic changes. The prefrontal lobes of preschoolers, although not yet mature, have begun to take shape.
Between the ages of 3 and 7, this development matures, allowing children to shift and focus, regulate emotional adaptation, and suppress excess responses to effectively achieve goals.
04
Delayed gratification, how should parents practice it correctly?
(1) Treat young babies as much as possible not to delay gratification
As mentioned earlier, every feeling given by parents in infancy will be projected into their future life choices. When children cry in their swaddling, if they are not comforted by hugs in time, they are left out in the cold, which is equivalent to never being satisfied for them.
The marshmallow experiment was also conducted only in preschoolers, because the prefrontal cortex was not fully developed, most children under the age of 4 could not delay meeting their needs, they would ring the bell within 30 seconds, or eat the marshmallow little by little.
So blind delayed gratification is ineffective until the child is 3 years old. Instead, parents should meet the physical and mental needs of their children as unconditional as possible, feed when hungry, cry and respond, so as to establish an early secure attachment between parents and children, and then the child can establish a sense of trust and security to the outside world.
Imagine, how can a child who has never been satisfied go to self-control and "delay" in the future?
(2) Return control of "delayed gratification" to the child
Many parents are wrong to think that the initiative of "delayed gratification" is in their own hands and requires them to intervene artificially.
"Delayed gratification" itself only affects the child: can the child eat the marshmallow right away? Can the child have toys right away? Can the child play with the child right away?
Empathy, for an event that only affects you, but is always interfered with by outsiders, can the so-called self-control generated by such deliberate training be true?
Looking back on your own childhood, were you particularly well-behaved when your parents were there, and you desperately played game consoles and watched TV when your parents left? Do these so-called things that make parents "delay gratification" really help children form self-control?
If this matter is not willingly accepted by the child, then the seemingly self-control training is actually increasing the child's sense of scarcity. The blocked desire, as long as the timing is right, will rebound with revenge.
(3) Delayed gratification, which ultimately cultivates a child's sense of order
Many parents focus their self-control only on things and things that "harm" their children. For example, eating snacks, playing with computers, watching TV, etc., often ignores the cultivation of children's awareness of rules.
Young children are impulsive, on public transport, reminding children that "we need to be quiet"; In the amusement park, stop the child from grabbing toys at will, telling him, "This is everyone's amusement park, we need to wait for others to play well."
Self-control is sometimes reflected in these altruistic behaviors. Being able to consciously restrain desires at home, learning to wait outside, and slowly establishing children's consistent sense of boundaries is more conducive to the cultivation of self-control.
(4) Teach children to use the "if-on" rule
How can we properly help children in situations where parental intervention is really needed?
The child's eyesight has deteriorated and he needs to watch no more than 30 minutes of TV a day, how to help the child restrain his desires? Or, the winter vacation is about to end, but the child's homework has not been completed, in the face of the call of friends, how can the child take care and complete the homework first?
Professor Michelle creatively proposed the "if-on" rule, which helps not only children, but also adults quickly develop self-control.
Guided by the conclusions of the marshmallow experiment, we found that if you want to effectively resist powerful temptations (eat the marshmallow immediately, or succumb to other temptations), you need to use the prohibitive "Don't!" "React instead of tempting" action! "Reaction. Professor Michelle calls this the "if-on" rule.
With deliberate practice, we can automatically trigger "if-on" actions when certain situations arise:
| Point out "things to be done now," such as "finish today's homework," and point out "temptations," such as "friends' invitations to play."
| When the "temptation point-invitation to play" appears, guide the children to give psychological cues: I must complete my homework before I can go downstairs to play, otherwise I will be criticized by the teacher tomorrow. "If my friends invite me, I "will" refuse, it's not that I can't play, but I need to finish my homework before playing.
By developing and practicing this plan, children can subconsciously trigger the right response in their impulsive system when a particular situation arises, and over time they will make new connections or develop new habits, like brushing their teeth before going to bed.
In this process, the patience and accompaniment of parents is particularly important, and if the child's natural desires are intervened and suppressed irritably, the opposite effect may be achieved.
In fact, in the final analysis, children who are correctly guided by their parents in a free environment often know better how to self-discipline; Self-disciplined children, on the other hand, often feel free from a regular life. Delayed gratification is not a blind way to make children wait, let alone a tool used by parents to suppress their children. Only parents who respect their children, know how to give, and discipline in a timely manner are qualified to harvest a healthy child who has a sense of control over his life.
The work of Walter Michelle, the father of the marshmallow experiment
Everyone should be familiar with the scientific research that determines a lifetime
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