The pain of a breakup is something that many people experience, perhaps more than once in a lifetime.
And movies and books make people mistakenly think that recovering from a broken love is easy: the happy ending is either a couple getting back together, or someone starting a better relationship.
In real life, relationship issues are usually not resolved in two hours like on screen, and stories don't always have a happy ending.
If you're trying to come to terms with the end of a relationship, the usual clichés may not help. Although people may say that "loving and losing is better than never loving" with good intentions, such a view doesn't give you much practical advice on how to deal with emotions.
The process of recovering from heartbreak is different for everyone. It may even change in the same person's life, from one relationship to the next.
No one can tell you exactly how long it will take you to heal, but there are ways to learn more about your desires and needs in the process of mending your broken heart.
Ultimately, you can use these insights to develop and strengthen your health coping skills. In your future relationships with others and with yourself, your upbringing will guide you.
How to mend a broken heart
In the first moments after the breakup, allow yourself some time to mourn the loss. You don't need to go straight into problem-solving mode – in fact, doing so can make the process more persistent and difficult when you haven't fully expressed your feelings.
In the first days, try to resist the urge to isolate yourself. Sadness, guilt, confusion, and other strong feelings can be overwhelming. Reach out to people who care about you. To accept the changes in your life, you need the support of your family and friends.
When you're ready to move on to the next step, here are some do's and don'ts to help guide you through the healing process.
Don't be swayed by emotions
Don't treat the end of a relationship as a failure.
Instead, use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. It doesn't matter if it's your first relationship or not. Everyone, whether 15 or 50, can get to know themselves better and work to improve their interpersonal skills.
You may have a lot of anger about the relationship, including the way it ended.
You may even want to "take revenge" on your ex or fantasize about interfering with or disrupting their lives – including new romances.
Remember, hurting others won't ease your pain. In fact, it may make you feel worse and will slow down your healing process.
Take care of yourself
Taking good care of yourself includes three aspects: emotional, physical, and mental. You have your own unique needs in each area, but there are some general self-care behaviors that are beneficial for almost everyone, such as nutritious eating, regular exercise, social support systems, and strategies to cope with stress.
Try to be patient, gentle, kind and generous with yourself. Know that the pain of a breakup isn't just emotional; Studies have shown that people also feel physical pain from loss.
You may also need to reframe your big-picture perspective. When you're in a romantic relationship, the relationship may be central to your life, but romantic love isn't the only thing that can nourish you. Continue to cultivate relationships with friends, family, and yourself.
If you feel guilty or ashamed of your role in an ending relationship, it may be difficult for you to be a good friend when you get over those feelings. Remember, practicing self-compassion will make you more likely to attract that energy from others.
If you find that you can't get out of a relationship, or feel like you can't face the loss, even with the support of friends and family, for a long time, you may need to seek counseling.
Working with a trusted, knowledgeable, skilled and compassionate therapist at any time in your life that has made a significant difference is good self-care and especially useful as you face loss.
Don't dwell on the past
We all tend to look back optimistically on our lives or certain relationships. The effect of an "optimistic retrospective" is that you may refuse to see the problem and focus only on the good parts that you might have missed.
Sometimes, good and bad memories seem to circulate endlessly in your mind. These intrusive thoughts slow down the healing process and can be very distressing.
Although it can be difficult, try not to lose judgment. No relationship is completely bad, but no relationship is perfect. If you're glorifying the relationship or finding that you continue to put your ex on the altar, it could be a sign that you need to give yourself some emotional and even physical distance.
For example, in the digital age, you may have a hard time refraining from "looking" at your ex on social media. If you can't resist the temptation, it may be time to delete your friends or block their profiles.
If you are always pulled back into their lives, thinking about what the past was, and what it will never be, you cannot continue your own healing.
If your ex starts a new relationship, seeing the messages they post on social media, even if it's not always a true performance, may remind you of how you felt in the past. This can also lead you to stereotypes about any unresolved aspects of your relationship.
Cherish the good memories
Even if your relationship ends in an unpleasant way, chances are, it's not all bad. It is normal to look back on the good old days, and you may find that you missed something about your ex, as well as the love between you.
At the same time, when the relationship ends, you may feel empty or hold a grudge against something that led to the breakdown of the relationship.
Overcoming these emotional shifts is part of the healing process.
When happy memories come up, allow yourself to embrace gratitude — and move on.
Don't negate your needs
Being honest about your own needs, especially those that aren't being met, can be a painful process. You may find it easier and less painful to ignore them.
"Paralyzing" yourself in the face of pain may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run it will only make it harder for you to heal. Pretending that you don't have needs won't allow you to grow, both in relationships with others and with yourself.
Reassess your needs
After a breakup, it's a good time to think about your desires and needs in a romantic relationship. You will find it helpful to keep a journal or make a list.
Ask yourself questions like, "Have I chosen a partner who is unlikely to have a loving and mature relationship?" and "Do I hope this person will change, or am I able to change them?"
It's painful to admit that your previous relationship didn't meet your needs. Taking the time to honestly reflect can be hard, but once you do, you'll be able to identify what qualities your future partner should have.
Don't get caught up in a "bounce" relationship
You may feel a sense of urgency to find a new partner, but the so-called "bounce" relationship can prevent you from getting out of your previous relationship. If you don't take the time to reflect on a relationship that recently ended, you may repeat the same mistakes or make the same mistakes in a new relationship.
Breaking old ways of thinking and acting can be hard, even if you know it doesn't help. But awareness is the first step to making a change.
Ready, try again
Sometimes, when people are used to being lovers, they have a hard time adjusting to being single. This is especially true after a long-term relationship ends.
If you're struggling with your singleness, try to remember that your worth comes from yourself, not the person you're with.
Being alone gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself, but it can be difficult if you're used to taking care of others and often find it easier than thinking about your own needs.
Sometimes, those who are less confident when socializing alone are more comfortable in social situations when they are with their partner. Others may enjoy socializing, whether they are in a relationship or not, but they may resist coming out after a breakup.
The tendency to avoid social situations is often a mixed factor, the fear of seeing an ex or someone you know might ask about your relationship, while wanting to avoid places, events, and people that remind you of your ex.
Try not to isolate yourself. If you want to stay home and read a book, you certainly don't have to go out on Friday nights, but if you really want to be with someone else and just don't want to go out alone, find a friend to go with.
You don't have to rush, and over time, you may begin to accept another relationship.
The thought of falling in love again can be scary — especially after you've been hurt — but remember that how deep the pain of heartbreak is, it also means that the love you experience is just as deep.
You may not even be looking for a relationship, and love will come to you unexpectedly. If you're looking for it, when you're out, choose places and activities you enjoy and be open to meeting others.
Whether it's a church group, a sports team, or a local library, where you feel safe and comfortable doing yourself, you're more likely to make positive connections with others and find lasting relationships, friends, romantic partners, and more.
forgive
Forgiving your ex can take time and isn't easy, especially if you've been hurt or betrayed. It's important to note that forgiving someone doesn't mean you forgive them for their hurtful behavior.
In fact, sometimes, the act of forgiveness has nothing to do with others. Giving forgiveness can stop you from investing your time and energy in a person or situation that is not healthy for you.
To mend a broken heart and move on, you need to be ready to forgive another person: yourself.
You may find it easy to forgive your ex, but remember that the longest and strongest relationship you'll have is with yourself.
You can't change the past, but you can learn from it.
Whether you're single or in love, you can change your behavior or change your mindset to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past, allow yourself to grow, and continue to cultivate self-love.