Born on the 4th of July is a biographical film directed by Oliver Stone and starring Tom Cruise and Kayla Segivik, released in the United States on December 20, 1989.
The film is based on the autobiographical novel of the same name by veteran Lang Kovik, which tells the story of the hot-blooded young Lang who was inspired by the Vietnam War speech of the President of the United States to join the army after joining the army, injured in the war and paralyzed, and permanently incapacitated, after the war Lang returned to his hometown as a veteran, originally thought that his sacrifice would be respected and loved by everyone, but the people around him were against the war, felt that Lang's sacrifice was meaningless, and Lang himself understood that the war was not as just as he thought. But he could not accept the fact that he defended himself, attacked those who opposed the war, angrily denounced them for being unpatriotic, and after experiencing resistance, indulgence, and escape, he finally gave up his self-defense, embarked on the road of atonement, made up for his mistakes, and finally joined the anti-war team and became a brilliant orator.
In reality, as Lang did at the beginning, it is not uncommon to defend their own mistakes and find excuses to shirk their responsibilities, but often self-defense will cause us greater conflicts, why do most people instinctively defend themselves after making mistakes, rather than facing up to mistakes? There is a book "The Fault Is Not Me" that can solve the mystery for us, and then I will tell the story of Lang from three aspects: what is self-defense, the psychological mechanism of people to defend themselves, and how to avoid falling into the trap of self-defense.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >01What is self-justification</h1>
Written by Elliot Aren't Me, one of the 100 most influential psychologists of the 20th century, Elliot Arenson and the famous American social psychologist Carol Taffris, the author tells us that from the day we come into being, each of us has had the urge to defend ourselves, and we will shirk our responsibilities for our hurtful, immoral, and stupid behavior.
First, the definition of self-justification.
"The Fault Is Not In Me" says: "Self-justification is different from lying or justification, it is more powerful and deceptive than obvious lies." In the face of evidence of mistakes, most people will not change their views or behavior, but will stubbornly defend it, which will make people believe that they have tried their best. Self-justification makes our mistakes and bad decisions seem insignificant, it distinguishes us from the moral mistakes of others, and it confuses us with differences between our behavior and moral beliefs. ”
In simple terms, self-defense is actually making excuses and excuses for what you have done wrong. Everyone has a self-defense mentality, which is almost everyone's instinctive reaction, as long as a mistake is made, most people's first reaction feels that it is not my fault, it is someone else's fault.
Second, the manifestation of self-defense.
Self-justification is very common in everyday life.
Are you familiar with the following scenario?
When mom and dad nag us that we rarely have contact with them, we push ourselves off: "I've been too busy at work lately"...
When the wife complains that her husband comes home late or is estranged from the children, the husband will retort: "I socialize for this family", "Work is enough to give me a headache, even if I have the energy to manage the children"...
When accused by leaders of not doing a good job, the subtext can always be heard: "Because... It's not my fault and can't blame me"...
When you are provoked by others to lose your temper, you may not admit that you have poor emotional management skills, but comfort yourself: "That person is so annoying", "It's all because of him"...
Many people think that self-defense is not a big deal, and it seems that everyone does it, but if you dig deeper into this concept, you will feel that this phenomenon is not so simple. Why are you late? Because today the traffic is controlled, because the children refuse to get up in the morning, because the battery of the alarm clock is out of power, and there is no bell at the end. But what would you think if someone else was late? You don't know where they are, so you think, it must be because this guy is too lazy to be carved in rotten wood.
Third, the nature of self-justification.
Elliot Aronson argues:
People put too much emphasis on context when explaining their own behavior, and emphasize essence when interpreting the behavior of others.
We treat ourselves and others with two sets of standards, which is the essence of self-justification. But in fact, this practice is extremely bad, it will not only distort reality, but also the source of most conflicts and contradictions, and the original starting point of contradictions and conflicts.
In reality, when two couples quarrel, in fact, two people are defending themselves, the result is more and more fierce, until one person can't stand it, slamming the door, but in hindsight, in fact, there is not much big deal, if you give up self-defense, apologize to the other party, this conflict is over, and similar scenes in reality are numerous.
When Lang returns to his hometown, he cannot accept that he is wrong in the face of the attitude of those around him against the war, he flaunts his contributions, denigrates those who do not agree with him, and his self-defense leads to his own becoming more unpopular.
I fight for the country, I am a Vietnam War glory.
I deserve to be treated decently, that's the power I've fought for.
God curses you, damn, I am a Vietnam War glory.
They know nothing about what's going on over there, the lives of their compatriots, no one here cares, a bunch of damn bastards.
< h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >02 people conducted a psychological mechanism analysis of self-defense</h1>
There is a saying in Mencius: "If you can't do what you want, you will ask for yourself." That is to say, if you don't succeed in doing things, you have to find the reason from yourself, which is a good quality, but very few people can do it. So why do we defend ourselves for stupid opinions, bad decisions, and hurtful behavior?
In fact, it is because the inherent self-protection mechanism of the person works to protect people from the pain of cognitive dissonance.
Mistakes are big and small, the result is serious, there are not serious, there are can be repaired, there are irreparable, these results bring a series of emotions are the same, remorse, guilt, self-blame, disappointment, these mixed emotions are very hurtful, people who have been seriously hit may have such feelings. But people have a self-protection mechanism, the brain will not often let the body suffer this, it will protect the body, so the beginning of the responsibility is the simplest and most effective way.
This force of shirking responsibility and finding ways to rationalize what you do(especially wrong actions and decisions) is called "cognitive dissonance" in psychology. It is a state of tension and conflict that occurs whenever someone has two psychologically inconsistent cognitions (thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, opinions). So the essence of self-defense is to avoid cognitive dissonance, that is, when their own behavior and facts conflict, people will find ways to reconcile this contradiction, so that it becomes unified and can be explained.
In the film, for this war, it is not full of justice and glory that Lang thinks, on the one hand, Lang sacrificed his sound body for the sake of the country, on the other hand, he was killed by his own comrades-in-arms and babies, the former was a great hero who sacrificed for the country, the latter is a hateful murderer, these two contradictory cognitions make Lang in cognitive dissonance, whether it is to admit that he was deceived, or the harm he caused to others, which will make him fall into great pain, in order to avoid this pain, He chose to believe more that he was loyal to his country and a hero who should be respected.
At the end of the day, when we feel that something is wrong, we all defend ourselves from the pain of disorder by defending ourselves, and we maintain our self-esteem in order to reduce the pain, but this inadvertent self-defense will make us distort reality, restricting us from discovering our own mistakes, let alone correcting them.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >03How do we avoid falling into the trap of self-justification? </h1>
To avoid falling into the trap of self-justification, it is necessary to find ways to reduce the pain caused by cognitive dissonance, and Eliot lists four steps to help us treat mistakes in the right way: distinguish - accept - make up for - gratitude.
1. Distinguish between mistakes and personality.
As mentioned earlier, when we evaluate others, we will emphasize the essence, for example, in real life, if a child has good grades, we will not praise him for his efforts, but will praise him for his intelligence, and if he is poor, we will say that he is stupid, and we will link a person's behavior with his IQ; similarly, when a person does something to hurt others, we will say that this person is a bad person, and when we do something to help others, we will say that he is a good person, and we will also link a person's behavior with his personality. And the meaning of the distinction is that we have to look at the mistake separately and objectively, and if we make a mistake, we have made a mistake, and it has nothing to do with the person's IQ or personality, that is, we have made a mistake alone, and we can just say something about this mistake. This kind of taking mistakes out alone can greatly alleviate the pain of cognitive dissonance and make us dare to face mistakes.
In the 1980s, the United States and Israel were allies, and Israel and Germany did not have good relations. But U.S. President Ronald Reagan accepted an invitation to visit the German Military Cemetery, which housed 49 Nazi officers. A reporter asked the Israeli Prime Minister at the time, Peres, who did not make accusations in his own name or reduce the impact of this matter, but chose the third method, which is the distinction we just mentioned. He said that when a friend makes a mistake, the friend is still a friend, but the mistake is still the mistake.
2. Acceptance: Accept everything that is happening in the moment.
There was a philosopher in India named Krishnamurti who wrote a book, The Book of Life, which provided an in-depth analysis of acceptance. Acceptance can be understood in another word, called sincerity, just as a devout Buddhist feels completely obedient in front of a Buddha statue. Anything we encounter first needs to be completely in the face of facts, accept whatever is in front of us, accept any situation, and not make any resistance. This is different from pessimistic confession, and the purpose of sincerity is to detach oneself from the resistance to the facts and focus more on change.
In the film, Lang has no way to accept reality, on the one hand, because of his mutilated body, he feels that he is an incomplete person, no one will love such a self, on the other hand, the shadow left by the war always lingers in his heart, the comrades who were killed by mistake, the cries of the babies in the war, tormenting his soul and reminding him of the mistakes he had committed. He drank heavily all day, talked dirty about his family, and even ran to distant Mexico to find male self-esteem in prostitutes, but all this did not liberate him, but instead fell deeper and deeper into the abyss.
Until he and another Vietnam War disabled veteran were abandoned in the wilderness, the two cursed each other because of their respective sad fates, at this time Lang shed tears, sighed and said: "I have a hometown, there is a father, there is a mother, everything is logical, do you remember that before becoming a daze, there are logical things, there are things you can rely on?" What are we going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? This was the turning point in Lang's inner change, and after experiencing confrontation, indulgence, and escape, he finally began to accept reality and face the past.
3, make up, make a mistake will definitely cause some losses, hurt some people, then we should take practical action to try to make up for the loss, you have to believe that when you really take action, others can feel.
There are many people who are obsessed with the mistakes that have already occurred, but ignore what they can do in the moment, not knowing that this is the biggest mistake and the biggest loss. We need to know that what really frees us from suffering must be in the process of making up.
When Lang accepted the reality, completely accepted his mistakes, and thought that he was indeed fooled into fighting this battle that should not have been fought, his life was also changed. He began to make up for his mistakes, apologizing to the family of the comrade he had killed, apologizing to those who had hurt him, and beginning to march around against the Vietnam War, a process that allowed him to climb out of the abyss little by little, and eventually became a brilliant speaker.
4. Gratitude. When a mistake is made, people will inevitably fall into a variety of negative emotions, which may be self-blame, guilt, or chagrin and regret. Just like Lang, he felt that he was no longer a complete person, and his life was completely ruined.
Elliot believes that when people feel uncomfortable, they feel that something has been lost, and if you focus more on what you have lost, the more serious the bad emotions will be. Instead, focusing on what you have, you feel rich.
If you think about something that seems wrong, think more about what experiences and lessons you have learned from it, what life inspiration you have learned, and once you make this move, your feelings will become much better, and it will be easier to recover from the pain.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >04 Conclusion:</h1>
The Bible says, "Why do you see a thorn in your brother's eye, but you don't see a beam in your own?" "To avoid unnecessary harm from self-defense, we need to always remind ourselves that it's not just them who make mistakes, it's themselves.
Confucius said, "The transgressions of a gentleman are like the eclipse of the sun and the moon." Everyone sees it, and even more, everyone looks up to it. "Man is not a sage who is blameless, and who has the courage to admit his mistakes is not denigrated or despised by others, but on the contrary, he is the most admirable person. Mistakes are inevitable, we must learn to live with mistakes, learn from mistakes, and use them as opportunities to grow in life.