In the early summer of 2021, the weather slowly turned hot and I was in a dementia care unit in Xuhui. That day, a pair of siblings came, and during chatting with the siblings, they learned that they were looking for a care facility for their mother, but the mother was not cognitively impaired. I'm curious how an old man with such good body and cognition chose to come here?
Lonely nursing home with "injured" old people
The daughter recounted that their mother is now hospitalized in the geriatric psychiatric unit of the hospital, and that she was also in a nursing home before arriving in the hospital. On the one hand, the family conditions are not bad, on the other hand, the siblings hope that the environment where the elderly live is better, so they choose a nursing home in Pudong with no hardware environment. My mother was still relatively happy when she first checked in, looking at many people, thinking it was very lively, but after living for a few days, I found that everyone did not interfere with each other, just ate and lived inside, and there was nothing to do. I am in better health, I don't need the help of a caregiver to do anything, and no one says a word of my heart, and I feel like I am in prison.
The old lady slowly began to think about why her children sent her out, and the more she thought about it, the more she felt wrong, delving into the world she built, thinking that they had abandoned herself, and felt that her wife's death had something to do with her. In fact, the old lady was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was young, and the reason for her wife's death was also a little related to her according to her children. The wife could not stand the old lady's strength and work, and she committed suicide by jumping off the building. But the children never told the old lady the real reason for their father's death. As the old lady's situation deteriorated, she began to call her daughter non-stop every day, arguing to come home, and after two days of arguing, it suddenly became quiet, and when the nurse went to see the old man, she found that the old man had injured himself, which is why she was sent to No. 600 Wanping South Road.
New environment, new mood
The reason why the children found this this time is because they think that the small care of the elderly in institutions may be more meticulous, it is closer to the place where they live and the hospital, and they are convenient to deal with anything. After knowing the cause and effect, I decided to try it here after the old lady was discharged from the hospital. Half a month later, the old lady moved in as scheduled and observed for a while, perhaps because she had been treated in the hospital, or perhaps because the entire care environment on this side was more suitable for her, and her originally tightened brows stretched a lot.
Every morning she is very active in exercising, because she likes flowers, her daughter bought some for her to raise, and she also asked her daughter to bring her jewelry, watches and beautiful clothes.
She also helped the manager with the key to the door, and someone came to the class to open the door, just like a parent.
A daughter who can't let go of her heart
The old lady is in good shape, and the children should be happy. But her daughter has problems again, from the first day of the old man's stay, she is more concerned about the indoor temperature, the situation of other elderly people in the room, the taste of meals, the dressing of the elderly, the mood of the elderly and other issues than the old lady. Every day, she would send her daughter about the elderly, but she was still uneasy and had to ask another caregiver the same question after getting news from one caregiver.
When the daughter sees the old man wearing clothes without collars in the video, she will be very nervous and say, let her mother wear clothes with collars, otherwise her neck will hurt. Seeing that there is no smile on her mother's face, you will feel that there is something wrong with your mother, how unhappy, the fact is that the old lady is just doing activities seriously.
Seeing that her mother's eyes are black (it has been dark since she checked in), she will say that her mother must not have slept well at night, you see that her eyes are black, in fact, the elderly took sleep-promoting drugs before going to bed, and some people walked in front of them without knowing, and slept excellently.
If she knows that her mother has not eaten the things she has brought, she will feel that these are what her mother usually likes to eat, and if she does not eat, she will have a bad appetite, and she will come to see her mother and ask her mother what is wrong. Seeing my mother sit in a different position, I will feel that I have quarreled with other old people, but in fact, nothing happened.
Love and kill: Mother and daughter entangled in love
Because she is closer, her daughter often comes to see her mother, and the old lady tells her that she doesn't have to come to see her all the time, and she is very happy here, because everyone will respect her and will let her help do things, she feels recognized and very happy. But after the daughter talks to her mother, she will tell the staff, my mother is like this, tell you that she is very good, in fact, I know that she is not happy, she must have something psychological, she is pretending.
Mom likes me very much, I can't come if I don't come, she can't be happy when she can't see me, but every time I come to talk to them, I will quarrel. In the middle, I asked my daughter why she didn't take her mother home to live for a while, she said that her mother would definitely not be able to go home, and the family couldn't accompany her so much, unlike many people here who surrounded her and let her have something to do.
The old lady is bored at home and will say that she is not feeling well or telling her daughter that she is not feeling psychologically, so her daughter does not dare to take her mother home to take care of herself, but she can't let go of herself.
Love needs boundaries
Mother and daughter accompany each other in this realm of love and killing, they influence each other's emotions, I persuaded my daughter to see the psychological clinic herself, and the daughter herself knows that she does have problems, saying that she often has insomnia, anxiety and restlessness are also taking medicine. Such families do need the caregiver and the caregiver to be separated in order to alleviate each other's condition. Transfer the experience away from the other person and do something you like, maybe everyone will get better.
Photo: | Yang Yang, Shen Changyi
Review | Wang Jinghua
Proofreader: | Bai Li