Author | Fan Deng's Reading · Travel
The lamp says:
Let your child know that only by losing decently can you win better.
People in the mother's group often ask: Why can't my children always afford to lose? When you encounter a little setback, you lose your temper and pick a pick.
I once had such a distress, building blocks with my 3-year-old son, and the castle collapsed after an unstable one, and the child stomped his feet in a hurry, crying and angrily throwing the blocks in his hand to the ground.
Sometimes when the toy in my hand falls, I will immediately cry.
I patiently told him to pick it up, but he didn't buy it and continued to cry.
Later, I simply chose to walk away, and he saw that I did not mean to coax him, and the crying increased the decibels, and finally saw that this trick did not work, so he wiped his tears and stopped crying, and silently picked up the toys on the ground.
In fact, many times children can't afford to lose, and they always cry when they encounter setbacks, which is often closely related to the way parents deal with it and the usual words and deeds, and more often the children who can't afford to lose are derived from parents who "can't afford to lose".
Life is not a playing field, everything is not only about losing and winning, what we have to do is not only to teach children how to win, but more importantly, how to teach children to lose "decently".
Less comparison and complaining
Reduce the child's competitive mentality
Many parents are happy to compare their children with other children, trying to motivate their children, and even complaining about their children's imperfections.
In fact, this behavior not only does not have a motivating effect, but even makes children value success or failure too much to afford to lose.
There are a pair of uncles and aunts in the community, often met in the park with children, they are warm and talkative, but some are so strong, they love to compare with anyone, and they are all showing off their children's various things.
That day, three children rode balance bikes in the park together, and everyone chased me and had a lot of fun. The aunt came over and had to let her grandson ride with them, and said that the first place was rewarded with a lollipop.
Hearing that there was a reward, the children rushed forward with all their might, no one was outdone, and they all wanted to get the lollipop. On the way, their grandson accidentally fell and fell behind.
When receiving the prize, the aunt looked unhappy, the grandson cried and resolutely refused to give up the lollipop, and the child who won the prize saw that the lollipop had failed, and cried even more, and the scene was chaotic...
Afterwards, the aunt also stressed to her grandson that she must win the first place in the next competition.
Gradually, the children did not like to play with the little boys, and to this, the children said in unison: "He has to win every game, he just wants to play Ultraman, he never wants to play monsters." ”
Dai Jinhua, a professor in the Department of Chinese at Peking University, once said at a student graduation ceremony:
"The first lesson in life, and the lesson of life, is to learn to afford to lose..."
Children can't afford to lose from an early age, and it is difficult to win when they grow up, afraid of failure, dare not try easily and bravely, and will miss a lot of opportunities.
While we blame our children for not being able to lose, we must also think about ourselves in turn, and behind the children who cannot afford to lose, it is often due to the competitiveness of their parents. Everything wants to crush people, and in the end they will only be isolated.
Cultivate your child's reverse quotient
Let your child experience a sense of failure
The so-called adverse quotient refers to the way people react to adversity, that is, the ability to face setbacks, get out of difficulties and surpass difficulties. To cultivate children's adverse quotient, we must first let children experience failure.
Harvard University Professor Taylor. Root. "Encouraging children to fail is more meaningful than pushing them to succeed," Shahar said. ”
In one episode of "The Strongest Brain", 12-year-old Italian boy Andre plays against Chinese teenager Li Yunlong. Both are teenagers of the same age with superior intelligence.
The task was to memorize the random standing order of 51 pairs of newcomers and display them in a way that placed a model. Li Yunlong completed the task first.
When Andrei first reported the results of his model placement, he found that Li Yunlong had an emotional breakdown and cried bitterly, it turned out that he remembered the wrong order and mistakenly thought he lost the game, and Andrei also shed tears sadly when he saw Li Yunlong's appearance.
(Image from "The Strongest Brain", invasion and deletion)
When the result was announced, Li Yunlong was the winner of the competition, Andrei smiled and hugged Li Yunlong and sent his blessings very kindly.
While people praised Li Yunlong, they were also moved by Andrei's big pattern and high adverse business.
Although he did not win the game, he lost decently, although he was glorious, he was undoubtedly a winner in life.
(Image from "The Strongest Brain", invasion and deletion)
On the other hand, Li Yunlong, he can't accept his failure, and he takes winning or losing too seriously, which will only make him unhappy in the end. You know, there have never been victorious generals on the battlefield.
Li Daokui of Tsinghua University once said in the column "Let's Talk": "There is no win or loss in life, only you know whether you are happy or not..."
In fact, losing is not terrible, what is terrible is to be influenced by winning or losing, only bravely and decently to "lose", is the wisdom of life.
In life, parents should guide their children to bravely face setbacks and appropriately withdraw to let their children experience this sense of failure.
And tell the child that life is not all smooth sailing, just like the weather is not cloudless every day, there will be smog and thunderstorms, let the child accept the imperfections in life.
Parents teach by example
Lead by example
Just imagine, if you often sigh because of the unsatisfactory work, complain, and make a lot of noise because of friction with neighbors, the child is bound to be subtle, complain when things happen, and have poor psychological endurance.
Positive, strong and optimistic parents are the strongest spiritual pillar for children to face setbacks.
Not long ago, due to the sudden epidemic, Mr. Wang of Wuhan, who opened a restaurant, was forced to close his restaurant for nearly a decade.
And the fixed household expenses of tens of thousands of yuan per month suddenly weighed on his shoulders like a boulder, making him difficult.
At dinner, the son cautiously asked his father: "Dad, will our family become very poor, you must be sad, right?" ”
Mr. Wang touched his son's head and said meaningfully: "Dad is indeed a little sad, but we have not reached the point of exhaustion, Dad has hands and feet, I can go to deliver takeaway, deliver express, I can also go to run an online car and do a substitute driver." I'm sure it will get better soon. ”
The son nodded firmly and said: "Dad is a big hero, and I also want to learn from my father and be an 'unbeatable little strong'." ”
After speaking, father and son smiled happily.
Educator Jaspers said:
The essence of education is that one tree shakes another, one cloud pushes another, and one soul awakens another.
It can be seen how important parents' words and deeds play in the growth of children.
Don't meddle in the face of setbacks
Let the child learn to solve it on his own
Some parents do too much for their children, and children habitually seek parents to support them when they encounter difficulties, and in the long run, children develop a self-centered personality, and they are at a loss when they encounter something unpleasant.
One day, the father took his daughter to play in the park, the girl and the child competed for a transformer that other children gave out, the two sides pulled me and pulled me, did not give in to each other, and finally the girl did not grab it, she cried and asked her father to help.
Dad said softly to the girl: "Dad can't help you with this matter, if you really want to play, you can figure it out yourself." ”
The girl wiped her tears and thought about it, then came to the child and said in a consultative tone: "Can I exchange Barbie for your transformers for a while?" ”
After getting the consent of the other party, the girl was very happy, and the lost and recovered transformers made her cherish it doubly, and she jumped and jumped with joy.
This witty father's textbook approach is commendable, and when his daughter encountered setbacks and sadness, he did not immediately step forward to take care of her, nor did he teach her how to deal with it, but let her daughter figure out how to solve it herself.
Tell your child that losing is no big deal, and that the road ahead is itself tortuous and bumpy, but equally full of surprises. As long as we have the courage to face it and overcome difficulties along the way, temporary setbacks cannot stop us from exploring the world.
As parents, don't be afraid of your children "losing", parents cannot be perfect, not to mention children, treat children with a gentle and encouraging attitude.
As the saying goes: failure is the mother of success. Ancient and modern, Chinese and foreign, no successful person can ascend to the sky in one step, only the more frustrated the more courageous, dare to defeat again and again, good at learning experience in failure, is the only magic weapon to achieve success.
I hope that all parents can teach their children to face setbacks and failures calmly and "lose" gracefully, which is more meaningful than teaching him how to win.
Author | Traveling far away, where the foot cannot reach, the book can reach, as long as there is a dream in the heart, the road is under the foot.
Editor-in-Chief | A doctor
Typography | Afterglow