Kindergarten has been open for a long time and most children have become accustomed to the new environment.
If we look closely, we will find that some children start crying from the second day of school (the first day of freshness) and can't stop for half a month.
But some children, from the first day onwards, do not cry or make trouble, showing maturity and calmness that is not appropriate for their age. Such children are generally praised by teachers and parents as having a strong ability to adapt to the environment.
Is this really the case?
One: Children who do not cry or make trouble may not really understand things
The father of attachment psychology, John F. Kennedy Ballby, after conducting a lot of experiments and analysis, divided the attachment relationship between the child and the mother (the primary caregiver) into four types – secure attachment, avoidant attachment, ambivalent attachment, and chaotic attachment.
Children with secure attachment will be sad and even cry after going to kindergarten. However, it will not be long before he adjusts his mood and integrates into the circle of children.
When his mother came to pick him up, he would be particularly close to his mother. The next time he separates, he will continue to repeat this pattern until he is fully accustomed to this rhythm of life.
The avoidant attachment child, after being sent to kindergarten, he behaves very coldly, does not cry or make trouble. When I saw my mother after school, I didn't have a strong intimacy reaction, and he seemed very independent and mature.
Children with ambivalent attachment have a particularly low sense of security. Separated from their mothers, such children will be very depressed and even cry for a long time after kindergarten.
He always wants his mother to come back, but when she does come, he doesn't want to be close to her (angry because of separation).
The child with chaotic attachment, after going to kindergarten to separate from his mother, he will not cry, but he is angry and has been in a negative mood.
Therefore, when you go to kindergarten to be separated from your mother, what really feels sad and sad is the safe type and the contradictory type of child. Most of the children who don't cry or make trouble come from these two families with avoidant and chaotic relationships.
Literally, you can also see that a secure attachment relationship is the healthiest relationship between mother and child. Under different attachment relationships, what are the characteristics of children?
Two: different attachment relationships, children's behavioral characteristics
Children with secure attachment rarely cry at home will not be frustrated by a brief separation from their mother. If you are separated for a long time, you will also quickly adjust your mentality. When they reunite with their mother, they will quickly accept it and will not have negative emotions such as blame and anger.
They control their emotions, are not swayed by them, and pass on happiness to others. They have strong autonomy, can do things to complete independently, and will actively seek help if they can't be done. They are more enthusiastic and focused, and more resilient in the face of difficulties.
Children with avoidant attachment will appear shy, emotionally indifferent, and unsociable. They are often taciturn and have little empathy, and when other children are hurt, they will calmly watch and even laugh at them.
They will rely on their parents, but not in a close way. They are likely to attract the attention of their parents in a troublemaking way to get their attention, even if that attention is a scolding from the mother. After they are injured, they will suffer in silence instead of seeking help from their parents.
Children with conflicting attachments will often cry at home, and when they are separated from their mothers, they will be angry. They are clingy, demanding, and annoying to mothers. They are capricious and emotionally irritable.
They are sensitive, timid, and lack perseverance and initiative. They will show their helplessness, they will be spoiled, they will be flattered. Therefore, I often get special attention from adults. They will be jealous of their mother's pampering of other children. When they are not pampered, they are angry.
Children with chaotic attachment often have both avoidant and contradictory characteristics. Their relationship with their mother is contradictory: they both desire to be loved by their mother, but they are afraid of their mother's closeness.
They are aggressive, emotionally indifferent, and emotionally capricious. They need their mother's favor, but they are afraid to approach her. They are helpless and miserable, but the emotions cannot relieve themselves. They are always caught up in the inner wear and tear of the spiritual self.
Three: Different attachment relationships stem from the mother's parenting style
Research on attachment psychology has found that different attachment relationships mainly stem from the different ways in which mothers interact with their children.
Mothers who have established a secure attachment to their children are sensitive to their children. When the child is about to cry, the mother will quickly soothe her, and when the soothing is made, the mother will always be soft and cheerful.
Mothers with secure attachment never point fingers at their children, they let their children be autonomous and cooperate when appropriate. They pay attention to the child and participate fully in the child's activities. They are very good at controlling the distance from their children, cooperating without interfering.
Avoidant attachment mothers are always rejecting their children, and they are more concerned about their children's obedience and obedience. Some mothers are less fond of expressing emotions and do not like physical contact with their children.
Avoidant mothers will ignore and neglect their children's attachment requirements. They will be disgusted by many childish behaviors of their children, and their emotions are written on their faces and expressed in actions. When a child makes a mistake, the mother will be sarcastic and sarcastic, and even scolded. It is difficult for avoidant mothers to control the emergence of negative emotions, and then pass on this emotion to their children without leakage.
Mothers with contradictory attachments, more egotistical, they will be immersed in their own world. When the child needs company, the mother will always be absent-minded. When a child needs emotional support, it is also difficult for the mother to feel it keenly, and it is difficult to give a positive response.
When the mother is happy, she will be unusually enthusiastic about the child; But more often, it is more cold to children. Although contradictory mothers give their children companionship, this companionship is often of low quality, and it is difficult for the child to get the correct response.
Mothers in chaotic attachment relationships are harsh on their children, and the slightest mistake of the child is a scolding. They are not close to the child, or even if they are close to the child, they will be very uneasy inside.
They refuse to show their emotions to their children, and they are even less likely to show weakness to their children. The emotional connection between the child and the mother will be full of contradictions and anger, and the love for the mother will also be mixed with a strong desire to attack.
To sum up, the safe type of mother is gentle; The avoidant type of mother is cold, the contradictory type of mother self, and the chaotic type of mother is grumpy.
Of course, the starting point of mothers is good, where in the world is there a mother who does not love her children?
It's just that many mothers have not yet learned how to organize their emotions, how to respond appropriately to others, and how to connect with people in a loving way.
Psychology believes that attachment patterns are characterized by intergenerational transmission. Many times, it is also difficult for mothers to get out of the inertia of the previous generation of attachment relationships. So it is logical to replicate the attachment pattern of childhood, or to avoid the emergence of their own trauma, so that parenting has gone to the other extreme.
What kind of attachment relationship do you have with your child?
【Image from the Internet, invaded and deleted】
I am Youzi's father, there is a "little devil" in the family, I grew up with her, like it to pay attention to it
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