Zhang Tao || parted ways

Don't leave

◎ Zhang Tao

The girl walked into the airport security channel, walked down the escalator for a while and disappeared, her heart was suddenly empty, and a wave of sadness struck her heart. It was an extremely ordinary day, no different from usual, but with separation, it seemed sad and complicated. My wife said let's go back, and I said wait a little longer, and when my daughter boarded the plane, we'll go back. The distance between home and the airport is 134 kilometers when you come, 134 kilometers when you go back, an hour and a half of driving when you come, and an hour and a half when you go back. The mood is one in the clouds, one at the bottom of the cliff.

It's the beginning of the school year again, and some people say that the opening of the school is an epic disaster blockbuster, and yes, when the kindergarten opened a few days ago, I did see a child being carried into the kindergarten by two teachers. But for parents, it is not a parting torment.

The girl's return to school was determined a few days in advance, and her mood became gray as the date approached. Yesterday I went to the beach alone, put on the bone conduction headphones that my girlfriend bought for me, and I couldn't help but think of my girlfriend running with me at the beach, and the first night of college in 2019, we walked together to take pictures of the beach, as if everything had just happened, just yesterday. Since the beginning of the girls' high school in 2016, whether it is a small separation once a week, or a winter and summer vacation twice a year after college, although it has become accustomed to drifting away, each parting will make your mood obscure for a long time.

September 3, 2016 is the beginning of the girl's high school time, the distance between the school and home is only five or six kilometers, but it is necessary to live on campus every day and take two weekly breaks. In the morning, the three of us carried school bags and luggage, found the class teacher and found the dormitory in the crowded reporting army, and after arranging everything, my wife and I were politely invited out of the campus by the class teacher. Back at the moment when I opened the door, I suddenly had a feeling of extreme discomfort, and the home was so quiet, less than half of the bustle. Walking into the girl's room, looking at the neatly folded bedding and the spotless ground, I realized that the girl could not go home at night, and suddenly felt a little helpless. An inexplicable sadness surged into my heart, and I wandered blankly in the living room with tears in my eyes, and my wife looked at me with red eyes and asked me what was wrong, and I said I was so sad. My wife quickly comforted me and said that the girlfriend was only two weeks away from home, and would come back, you think about the way you went out to climb the mountain before, once you went for half a month, you can't see the girlfriend, is this different. I said differently, in the past, no matter how long I went out, as soon as I came home, I would see my girlfriend sitting on the sofa waiting for me, but now when I came back, the sofa was empty, empty! My wife actually laughed and laughed at my sadness. Damn guy, ignore you, I'm going back to my hometown to adjust my mood. The moment I closed the door and started the car, tears could no longer help gushing out, I don't know whether it was inexplicable sadness or inexplicable grievance. Back to the hometown eyes are redder, there is no way this state will make the old man uneasy, so in front of the door paused for a while, did not enter the house and drove back.

At night, it is still a walk along a fixed route, the steps in front of the old government, the small square of the Peace Park, and the sculpture on the side of the roadside of the gas station in the north of the city, every time you pass a place, when you are a child, the situation of playing with your daughter in these places will come to mind, and you will remember it vividly, as if you see your girlfriend holding her little feet and opening her small hands to pounce on herself. What's wrong with that, I kept asking myself. So for a long time, I didn't dare to pass through these places. When I missed it sadly, I secretly ran to the school gate, looked at it, turned around, and came back.

Three years of high school residence time, but also let themselves slowly adapt to the cycle of small gathering and separation, the heart is also strong in the sadness again and again. In 2019, the college entrance examination girl entered Shanghai Fudan, in order to start this school we specially changed an SUV, 836 kilometers of travel, I drove a car for 11 and a half hours, added oil on the road, went to the toilet twice, lunch was also simply made up in the car, non-stop running is not tired. Along the way, I talked to my girlfriend about a lot of life insights, like friends. We listened to the music and sang songs, rushing to a better future, and the mood was also very sunny. As soon as the car drove out of the Shandong border, the mood suddenly became heavy, the closer to the destination, the more sad it became, and I had already begun to miss it before I left. After arriving at the school to move the luggage into the dormitory, finding the counselor to arrange the day's registration, we were once again invited out of the classroom, looking at the girl's firm wave without a trace of nostalgia, looking at this strange campus thousands of miles away, instantly feeling that I was much older. I used to think that people are slowly getting old, but in fact, they are not, people become old in an instant, especially the moment when children grow up... "Because I love a person, I like a city", I didn't understand it before, but now I understand that love can change a lot, so I have more concerns about Shanghai. Originally took a week's leave, but because the girlfriend could no longer accompany us after reporting, she suddenly felt bored and had no intention of playing in Shanghai, so she drove back with her wife early. As a parent, I always hope to be able to participate in the life and growth of my children; But as everyone knows, the child's growth process is a process of constantly saying goodbye to parents and constantly moving forward alone, and my loneliness will eventually have nothing to do with her, and I will also adapt to this gradually distant life.

Coming home from the airport, looking at the empty sofa, the mood is a little unable to help themselves, or go back to my hometown, sister and brother-in-law they also go back today, more people will make my parents more lively, will also make my mood calmer. When I left my hometown in the afternoon, my mother insisted on going out to send us, today's wind was very strong, we all advised my mother not to go out, but my mother was very insistent, she said that every time she did not watch us get on the car, her heart would be very uncomfortable, as if something was missing. Yes, when we were young, the three of us left home for school in the morning, and my mother watched us walk from behind, and when she couldn't see, she stood on a stool until our figure disappeared into the distance. Our separation from our mother is once a week, although the interval is very short, but every time we part, my mother is still unwilling and watchful. I still remember my daughter going to kindergarten when I was a child, always worried that I would throw her in the kindergarten and ignore her, so every time I arrived at the kindergarten door, I always had to remind me repeatedly, and when I finished school, I remembered to pick her up.

Some people say that all the love in the world wants to keep each other, only the love of parents, is willing to wish that the child's background is gradually drifting away.

(Editor: Gao Yiping)

About the Author

Zhang Tao, a native of Haiyang City, Yantai, graduated from Laiyang Normal School, has been engaged in education finance for a long time, and is a member of Yantai Prose Literature Society. Generous and kind, confident and strong, like to walk in the heavens and the earth, under the chrysanthemum fence like a breeze of life, thinking in walking, moving forward in thinking, using paper and pencil mountain color to record the observations and perceptions of mountaineering and running.

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