Recently, I saw a hot search - #Mother forced her daughter to marry a blind date with death.#
The mother said a bunch of heavy words to her daughter and forced her daughter to compromise:
"Don't go into this house if you don't get married!"
"If you don't get married, I'll die to show you!"
Image source: Weibo
This kind of dialogue sounds suffocating, but think about it, the Chinese mother and daughter are somewhat cut and messy.
I sometimes wonder why it is so difficult for my mother and daughter to communicate if they are both women.
It reminds me of a girl I know, Ho Road.
She and her mother were more exaggerated, and the two often fought, and dad floated by like a ghost, throwing the next sentence without pain or itch: "You lighten up." ”
Recently, in order to stay away from his mother, He Lu fled from Xi'an to Beijing.
This is the second time she has run away from home, and this time the reason is that her mother found out that she was 23 years old and had sex.
My mother scolded a lot of unbearable words, and He Lu did not show weakness, saying that he would go away and resolutely not bow his head.
Why is the Chinese mother-daughter relationship so difficult to get along? Is it possible for mothers and daughters to understand each other?
So, I found Ho Lu and her mother respectively.
Here are their statements:
I grew up with slaps to educate my mom
This time, scolded me "no face"
My name is He Lu, I am 23 years old, I graduated for one year, and I am now engaged in the film and television industry.
Growing up, my mom and I seemed to be fighting forever.
Not eating vegetables, she scolded me; Eating and playing with chopsticks, she hit me; I didn't like the clothes I bought, and she just slapped me in the face.
The one time she hurt me the most was when I was 14 years old.
I came home 10 minutes late because I was running to other sisters' houses to play, and my mother simply locked the door and let me stay outside the house for half an hour.
At that time, I was still living in a bungalow, and when the sun was blazing, I knocked on the door and cried, tears rolling down with sweat.
Until his throat was hoarse and the man was really thirsty, he went to the neighbor's grandmother's house to ask for a sip of water. In the instant of cool underwater belly, all grievances poured up.
I grabbed the neighbor's grandmother by the arm and asked:
"Do you want children in your house?" I beg you, come and feed me. ”
This sentence was known to my mother, who scolded me for two years as a "white-eyed wolf."
This made me even more aggrieved: even the grandmother next door was willing to give me a bowl of water in the weather of more than 30 degrees, why was my mother so cruel?
Source: The Metamorphosis of Youth
Before junior high school, I thought all moms were like this.
I don't understand why there are films and television works in this world that celebrate motherhood.
After all, in my eyes, maternal love is associated with reprimands, curses, and even intimidation and beatings.
It wasn't until I was invited to play at a classmate's house that she told me that her mom had never beaten her.
My world collapsed in that moment.
Her mother would take her to the park; Listen to her opinions when buying clothes, and never force her to choose something she doesn't like; Once she didn't want to go to cram school, and her mother took her to skip class to eat barbecue.
I looked at her confident, happy, and peaceful look and suddenly realized:
"It turns out that this is the child who grew up in love!"
Unlike me, who is covered in thorns and easily provoked.
After returning from my classmates, I secretly resolved that I would rebel against my mother's "hegemony".
Source: The movie "Mama's Multiverse"
First of all, I decided never to cry in front of her again, whether she was scolding or cold fighting with me.
Secondly, I decided not to show love to her again, not to give her Mother's Day, and to pretend not to know her birthday.
I implemented the first one very well, but the second one was much more difficult.
On Mother's Day, I saw carnations selling for 5 yuan a piece on the side of the road, and I couldn't help but buy them for her.
But she never appreciated it, and never got happy feedback when giving gifts.
After a long time, I really stopped showing warmth to her, just like she did to me.
I grew to one meter seven in high school, and my mother gradually became shorter than me.
She slapped her again, and I could finally grab her arm and push it back.
The first time I did this, I distinctly felt her eyes darken a lot.
At that moment, I could feel her aging and the joy of finally being able to control the situation.
I grew up.
Source: The movie "Miss Bird"
This meant that I could choose to be someone completely different from my mother, or even the kind she hated the most.
When I chose a major in college, I willfully chose journalism over the finance-related major she strongly demanded.
As soon as I went to college, I cut my long hair short, and she was so angry that I was a tomboy.
Unsurprisingly, I was satisfied.
Unexpectedly, the diary in my computer was peeked at by my mother.
This set off a bloody storm because it recorded my sexual experience.
In fact, I have a premonition that sooner or later she will see it, and even subconsciously I expect this to happen.
This represents a thorough declaration:
Her child was out of her control and I took myself back.
That day, my mother was in a hurry to deal with some documents, but her computer landed at the company and asked me to borrow a computer, and my diary documents were on the desktop.
The moment I handed the computer to her, I was a little flustered and held a little luck, what if she chose to respect my privacy?
Of course, I think too much.
My mom was worthy of my mom, and she blatantly saw it from the beginning to the end.
I'm an adult tomorrow morning, in normal love, have sex, is that strange?
But my mom was so angry that she grabbed me by the shoulders, her fingernails digging into my skin, and she said a series of words that made my scalp tingle now.
She said I "don't want my face" and said I was willing to fall and dirty myself.
I heard deep contempt and disgust.
All along, I thought I was just disobedient in her eyes, but at least not a bad boy.
But at this moment, I found that in her heart I was so unbearable.
These words stung me, and at that time I had the idea of leaving, this mother and daughter did not do it, but their mouths were not weak:
"What happened to my boyfriend and I sleeping?" You love me, no better than you sleeping with someone you don't love at all for decades? ”
As soon as I said it, I regretted it a little, but I said it all.
My mom waved her hand and was about to slap me, and we both wrestled together.
My dad, as always, did not disappoint, he silently brushed the vibrato on the side, yu yu advised a "you tap", and silently drifted away.
I was about to cry, and at the same time I felt a hint of absurdity.
My mom and I fought for decades, and my dad remained neutral and indifferent.
But I had no time to blame my dad, because all my strength, hatred, and confrontation had been given to my mom over the years.
I questioned her:
"Why haven't you been accustomed to me since you were a child?"
"Why did you promise to hang out with me, but you didn't cash in once?"
"Why did I search my memories and not find a moment of intimacy between the two of us like any other mother and daughter?"
"What the hell am I going to do to get your approval?"
Source: The movie "Miss Bird"
My mom was stunned.
She looked at me strangely as if she had never thought about these things.
I wasn't ready when I was pregnant and gave birth to her
But I thought my daughters would all turn to their mothers
My name is Hongqin, I am He Lu's mother, and I am 53 years old this year. I worked in the financial industry and am now a company executive.
I have done a good job in my life, but my family is difficult to say.
I remember the longest period of my life when I was pregnant, when I cried endlessly every day.
I asked God, why get pregnant? Why me? Why at this time?
In fact, I was 31 years old, but psychologically I was still not ready to be a mother.
Probably because in my childhood memory, being a mother was the most painful thing in the world.
Source: The movie "The Truth"
My family is in the xianyang countryside, and in addition to me, there is an older brother and a younger brother.
It was a place of absolute patriarchal preference.
Because you are a girl, everything has to be given to the boy, and because you are a mother, you have to make cattle and horses for the whole family.
That's how my mom served the whole family all her life.
When I was a child, my mother was always busy saving a large table of dishes until late at night.
And my father only needs to sit on the kang and drink with relatives, and from time to time summon his two sons to toast and receive red envelopes.
And my mom and I weren't even qualified to get to the table.
Since then, I have secretly decided to escape from the countryside of northern Shaanxi and earn money on my own.
I taught myself to get an accountant's certificate, which was very rare in those days, and I am still proud of it.
I went to Xi'an to find a job, slowly working from the audit of a small company to an executive of a large company.
Red Piano in Youth Image Source: Courtesy of the interviewee
I thought I had escaped my mother's life, but in our time, women still had to get married.
I ran away from it until I was 30 years old, when the family talked about the matchmaker and introduced Koji's dad.
He had just failed to start a business, had formed a band before, and had tossed other livelihoods.
I feel that he is a little unreliable, but the person is really good-looking, everyone says that he has spirit, and his temper is particularly good, and he is not angry at any damage.
Saying that the media is too good, they say:
"Aren't you particularly capable of making money?" The two of you are just complementary. ”
I remember that my mother was more anxious about this family affair than I was, she came to Xi'an from her hometown to find me, and when she returned to the train station, she took my hand and cried uncontrollably.
"You don't look for a partner anymore, everyone in the village can say yes (me), you can't lift your head, no matter how good you are, people look down on us."
In this way, I met with Xiaolu's father twice, and I vaguely got a license, and in the second year of marriage, I became pregnant.
The mother-in-law naturally moved into my house and said that she was helping me with the child, and she has never walked around again.
My mother-in-law counted me down every day, saying that I did not have the appearance of a daughter-in-law, that the food was not good, that the floor was not clean, and that the clothes were not washed well.
But obviously I am the pillar of the family who makes money and supports the whole family.
Xiaolu's father and mother-in-law stay at home every day, why don't they share the housework?
That was the time when I most wanted to get a divorce, but by then I was already pregnant with Xiaolu.
In order for the child in the belly to have a complete home, I put up with it.
At that time, my heart was tearing every day, on the one hand, I knew that when I gave birth, I was completely bound by this family; On the other hand, how can I bear to give up my flesh and bones?
I fantasized that the child was born to me, then she must be close to her mother, she will definitely be on my side, and when there is something, she will turn to me in front of my mother-in-law.
But the trail is not at all.
From the time she was three or four years old, I noticed that she was more and more like her grandmother, not obedient at all.
I don't let her do anything, she's biased.
Source: The movie "Tender History"
Sometimes I even wipe my tears in the middle of the night, but I have a little fantasy:
As long as the child is willing to teach, many personality habits can be corrected, and my father treated me like this.
My dad was a firm believer in "good guys under the sticks" and I wasn't so exaggerated about my daughter.
I always felt that I was just scaring and scaring her, and she must have had a number in her heart, otherwise how could she have the courage to repeat it every time?
I really felt like I hadn't been angry with her until I read her diary.
I don't understand, how can a child I have raised for so many years become like this?
Source: The movie "Mama's Multiverse"
Including reading the diary, her reaction was very extreme, but I think it is a matter of course, and the mother has no problem looking at the child's computer.
When we were young, don't talk about diaries, I slept in the same bed with my mother until I was 18 years old, and the children had no privacy.
What makes me most angry is that I always feel that Xiaolu is a measured child, how can he do what adults do so early?
In fact, the reason why the reaction is so big, I am not upset with her:
This boy may not marry her, so what will she do after that?
Can I accept that she had sex so early, and will her future partners accept it?
Girls are different from boys, and she will eventually be hurt.
Remember the way Xiaolu called me "Mom" when she was four or five years old, and she ate lollipops and watched cartoons to see God, like a little angel, how did she have sex in the blink of an eye?
No matter how rebellious Koji is, she is just a little girl who just graduated from college.
So I think if I react bigger, I can make her stop at the cliff, let her wake up, and stop being self-deprecating.
Unexpectedly, she described me as such a failure.
It is clear that I have been busy for the family, and I have made money and brought her.
I thought she understood, especially since I didn't divorce her dad for her sake.
Source: The movie "Spring Tide"
Unexpectedly, she blamed me for all the sins, and at that moment I was extremely depressed:
When I was a child, I was not a qualified child, and now I am not a qualified parent.
Two days later, Xiaolu's father told me that Xiaolu had gone to Beijing.
There was no longer any reason for me to pretend to be family harmony with him, so Xiaolu's father and mother-in-law moved out, leaving me alone in the family.
After 3 months of walking on the trail, none of us were in touch.
Sometimes I can't help but want to find her, but I can't help it, and I think I'm right.
She was really cruel and said that if she didn't contact, she wouldn't contact, but I gradually doubted:
Am I really wrong?
Am I really an unqualified mom?
Is it that a person who has been working outside for too long is used to treating her in the same way as an employee?
But I've really worked very hard to be a mother.
I was tired when I got home from work, but I still patiently learned to cook for her.
When I was a child, I was disciplined tightly, but when I was older, I let her make her own choices.
No matter how busy she is at work, I will take time out of my time to travel with her every year, and I have taken her to many, many places.
The first time I took her to Xiamen, I remember Xiaolu was happy and broken, hugged me and said, "Mommy I love you", and then she never said it again.
Sometimes when I see Xiaolu's circle of friends, I know that she has a lot of fun with her friends, but I can't help but worry.
Call her, just say two words and blame me for controlling her, and she is not happy.
……
After she went to Beijing for a while, I finally got a little news from Xiaolu's father, who said that Xiaolu wanted to resign.
I didn't have to put up with it anymore, so I called directly and asked, "What after you resign?" ”
Xiao Lu said: "I don't want to do it, I want to resign naked, I still like movies, and I will follow my friends in the future." ”
"What do the mixed groups do, do they have a salary?"
"Nothing."
I thought for a moment and said, "Mom supports you, the money is not enough to take care of me." ”
Hongqin sent to He Lu's WeChat Source: Provided by the interviewee
We never mentioned it again
But I think she was supportive of me
When my mom called me, I was interning at a company in Beijing.
I told her about the situation with a gambling mentality, and I didn't expect to get a very positive response.
I know that this is not a small blow to my mother, because not only did I not inherit her mantle of doing finance, but I also completely got out of her control and chose such a difficult and strange path.
Occasionally I also analyze myself as to why my personality is so rebellious.
My dad was known for his good temper, and all the thorns in my body might have been inherited from my mom.
We're so much alike that's why we turn against each other.
Where the road of long hair Image source: Provided by the interviewee
Sometimes I'm a little relieved that after so many years of fighting, maybe we can turn off the fire, maybe we can try to "love each other from a distance".
I think of my mom's rare moments of vulnerability.
One year when I went back to my mother's hometown, it was one of the few times in my life that I went to see my grandfather, and my grandfather sat in the middle of the table surrounded by my uncles.
My mother was very nervous to ask me to kowtow to my grandfather, and I was very surprised and not angry, but I did it at my mother's command.
After prostrating my head, grandpa's expression loosened a little, and asked my mother how her life was in Xi'an.
It turned out that my mother was an outsider who had escaped from my grandfather's house, and it turned out that my mother, who was indispensable in my eyes, would also try so hard to please others.
At Grandpa's house, mom brought original sin because of her gender and was unpopular because of rebellion.
In our house, Grandma didn't seem to fully accept her.
That's why she is so strong, and after being unwilling at work, she also tries to prove that she is a good mother, a good wife, and a good daughter at home.
The more you can't do it, the more obsessive you are.
My mom only wanted to drive a lot after my dad and I were gone.
"The tighter people grasp, the farther they play."
After relaxing, she recently started "dating" my dad.
When they were married and had children non-stop, the two never felt the throbbing of love, and now they have the feeling of love.
Dad would buy her favorite drinks and wait for Mom to go to the park after work, go for a walk in the sunset, go on a date, have dinner, and go home separately when the stars climbed overhead.
None of us ever mentioned sex again.
This kind of avoidance is not necessarily bad, many things are insincere, and some words are difficult to say, so let's do it.
At least she treats me like an adult now.
I remember a documentary that said, "Once a woman has a child, life is over." ”
I would like to ask, "Is it possible that when a child grows up, her life can be restarted?" ”
This answer, my mother and I are still looking for.
Write at the end
The story of He Lu made me feel a lot of emotions.
He Lu spent more than 20 years fighting against his mother, and gradually understood the process of his mother's "becoming a mother" in this confrontation.
In addition to He Lu, the "mother-daughter relationship" is also the confusion of many girls.
Why is the Chinese mother-daughter relationship so difficult to get along?
I think of Chizuru Ueno in "Feminism from Scratch" dedicated a chapter on "Poisonous Mothers", talking about the ultimate relationship between mothers and daughters who tear each other apart, hurt each other and compare each other.
In addition to intergenerational issues, there are also gender factors.
Ueno says:
"Mothers, and mothers, women are incredibly difficult in any age.
"Without dissecting and understanding the context and social structure of the times, it is impossible to break the chain of violence and interference that spread from mother to daughter."
He Lu's mother was already lucky.
She is a new-age woman with her own career to pursue.
However, in addition to chasing dreams, there are always questions about "how to balance career and family", and the "qualified mother" of social concepts is still hanging overhead like the sword of Damocles.
As a self, she and as a mother, she have been tearing, huge separation, sacrificing the childhood of her daughter He Lu.
Men seem to naturally not have this dilemma.
Becoming a man, his body and life are complete and unified, and all education, training, and social ideas are moving towards his path to success.
Thinking like this, being able to "pretend to die", "sing red face", and "be a good father" in family disputes has a certain privilege in itself.
Not so to be a woman.
Her body is divided into different functions, and her life must also be cut out of the wife's job, mother's job, caregiver and other parts, leaving not much for the self.
So, I have a little understanding of the "mother-daughter jealousy" female competition section on the Internet.
When "getting a man's heart" is seen as a woman's success, it is understandable that mothers and daughters compete for favors with the only man in the family, the smallest unit of power.
Come to think of it, it's really too hard for women.
They are always trying to reach a certain standard or resist some discipline, and the mother passes the chain on to the daughter.
As Ueno said:
"Once a woman becomes a mother, she begins to put pressure on her children. They are both oppressors and victims. She vented her obsession with her mother and her dissatisfaction with her husband to her children.
"And both mother and daughter will put each other's lives on their own."
He Lu has been thinking of taking a completely opposite path to her mother since she was a child, and her mother chose to run away because she did not want to be her mother.
In the end, He Lu found himself so similar to his mother.
Mother and daughter, mirror twins.
Source: The movie "Miss Bird"
I also gradually felt this way. Because I am also about to face or am facing the test of society for my "good woman".
I often think that my mother must have resisted and torn it, she also grew up from a little girl.
As my mom got older, I could clearly feel that my mom had a stronger separation anxiety than my dad.
This is also the anxiety of many mothers, who always hang their mouths on their children and carry out emotional kidnapping in the name of maternal love.
But thinking about it, my mother was pregnant in September and had the most intimate physical connection with her infant child.
The world celebrates the beauty of nurturing, but no one tells her that the birth of a child is a process of gradual farewell.
No one has ever reminded a mother that every child will eventually regain himself.
Gibran writes in the poem:
"Your children are not your children, they are the children born of life's desire for itself.
"They came into this world through you, but they didn't come because of you, they were around you, but they didn't belong to you."
This is actually philosophy, and mothers have to accept loss in the flesh without warning.
We were daughters for the first time, and moms were moms for the first time.
Gradually understanding the role of "mother", I can no longer throw all the "mother-daughter problems" to my mother.
In the vast sea of people, it is also a kind of luck to be able to become the daughter of our mother, and our lives have been connected since then.
True love is always based on mutual understanding, care, and recognition.
As daughters, as mothers, as women, we have similar complex life experiences, common struggles, and the same loss, which is what Ueno calls "the mission of the weak."
I believe that one day, we will finally be able to reach each other.
Most importantly, don't perpetuate intergenerational violence.
Since this is the case, let us not be strong, admit our weakness, and support each other to go down together.
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Author: Jasmine. This article is reprinted with permission from the WeChat public account: She Magazine. The unlabeled source pictures in this article are from the Network, if there is infringement, please contact to delete.