True friends are useless.
Author: Insight Yebo
Liang Shiqiu once said in "On Friendship":
Make friends, respect them over time, respect is to keep a distance, that is, to prevent excessive intimacy.
Friendship cannot be overdrawn, and there must always be a few points.
We used to think that only by getting along day and night and being intimate was the best feeling.
Until I went through the events of the world, I saw more people's hearts and repeatedly, and tasted the warmth and coldness of human feelings.
Only then did I find that the most comfortable relationship between people is: slower, farther, cleaner.
1
Slow down
Actor Li Ruotong told a dating experience in his autobiography "Good Life".
During a filming trip, she met an actress from the same crew.
Although the two met for the first time, they had similar personalities and hobbies, and soon became known as sisters.
Later, Li Ruotong left the crew for a week.
When she returned, she couldn't wait to find the actress and greet her warmly.
Unexpectedly, the other party glanced at her, very coldly "um" a sound, turned his head and left.
Leaving Li Ruotong stunned, she later learned that during her absence, the actress had made new friends.
Between the two of them, in the blink of an eye, it was like a strange road.
Sanmao once said:
Young people make friends, out of a fervent heart, hate not to be able to go to the twilight, life and death together.
Now the pace of society is too fast, many people live too anxiously, know a person for three or two days, they are eager to dig out their hearts and lungs.
Feelings that are too hasty, like a tornado, come and go quickly.
As the saying goes: "The rice is not cooked, and it cannot be opened in vain; The egg has not hatched and cannot be pecked at in vain. ”
The feelings of people, from nodding their heads to their deep friendship, must go through some brewing and precipitation.
In 1936, Ba Jin met Xiao Shan, a college student in Shanghai, through letters.
After the first meeting, the two talked very happily and were attracted to each other.
However, they did not rush to the development of their feelings, but through the transmission of books by Hongyan, they were constantly familiar with everything about each other.
Later, war broke out, and Ba Jin threw himself into the rescue activities.
Xiao Shan was very worried about him, and before she could finish college, she rushed to his side and accompanied him everywhere.
They worked as volunteer nurses together during the day and read and write together at night.
In the day-to-day companionship, the two gradually entered the depths of each other's hearts.
The two fell in love for 8 years, and finally cultivated the right results, entered the marriage hall, and walked hand in hand for a lifetime.
The poet Mu Xin wrote in "Once Upon a Time Slow":
"The old days became slow, cars, horses, and mail were slow, and there was only enough to love one person in a lifetime."
No matter who you get along with, only by slowing down will you have more opportunities to understand each other's three views and see their respective qualities.
Truly long-lasting relationships can stand the scrutiny of time and the friction of time.
Acquaintance with people, light intercourse slowly, time will be chosen for you, worthy of entrusting sincere people.
2
Stay away
The Russian writer Bandarev said: "The root of all human suffering stems from a lack of sense of proportion." ”
No matter how good the relationship, once it gets too close, it often brings not intimacy, but trouble.
At an exchange meeting, a reader asked the writer Liang Xiaosheng: "What should friends do if they don't think of themselves as outsiders?" ”
It turned out that she had opened a restaurant, and at first, in order to gain popularity, she invited her friends to eat for free for two weeks.
But there was a friend who came every week after that and ate for free.
Even sometimes, the other party will invite his own friends and relatives to come to the small shop to eat and drink.
She was very depressed in her heart, but she couldn't pull down her face and talk to the other party, feeling very distressed.
After Liang Xiaosheng listened, he gave her advice:
If you don't owe the other party any affection, this kind of friend, it is better to break off early.
People who do not have measured feelings are not worth maintaining, and people who do not know how to score inches are not worthy of deep friendship.
A few words made her suddenly realize, and she immediately untangled the entanglement.
There is a kind of fake friend who will always hurt you in the name of friends.
The closer you get to him, the more he becomes.
Therefore, Bi Shumin said: "Keeping a distance close is the most appropriate way to communicate." ”
Familiarity is not excessive, and they can get along with each other in order to be at peace with each other.
In an essay, the painter Huang Yongyu recorded the story of his association with Qian Zhongshu.
The Huang family and the Qian family were once neighbors, and the two families were less than 200 meters apart.
However, for more than 20 years, despite his friendship, Huang Yongyu only visited Qian's house twice.
He knew that Qian Zhongshu loved to be alone, afraid that he would disturb his tranquility.
Sometimes his hometown sent some specialties, he took some to Qian Zhongshu, but he only called first to inform, and sent them to the door of Qian's house.
And qian Zhongshu in his leisure time, if he visits the door, he will first ask Huang Yongyu if he is free.
In this way, their relationship, far from being estranged, grew deeper and deeper.
Zhou Guoping once said:
A sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to respect the necessary distance between people.
If a person has a good relationship, he will unscrupulously invade the lives of others, often only to push the other party away.
Maintaining a sense of proportion at all times is the most effective way to maintain feelings.
Just as the so-called distance produces beauty, standing farther away, it is not easy to hurt each other.
The most comfortable relationship is not between you and me, not you and me, but to keep the boundaries and not to be familiar with it.
3
A little cleaner
Montesquieu once wrote: "Beauty must be clean and innocent." ”
The same is true of a relationship, the feelings are clean and pure, the two can be together for a long time, if mixed with the entanglement of interests, it can not withstand any storms.
There is such a story in the biography of Su Shi.
At the age of 20, Su Shi entered the army and entered the dynasty as an official, and was appreciated by Ouyang Xiu and others.
At that time, Zhao Junxi, who was in charge of the matter, knew that Su Shi's future was unlimited.
So he deliberately befriended Su Shi, took care of him everywhere, and helped him publicize his literary name.
Soon, the two became close friends, feasting on each other and singing poems and singing.
A few years later, su shi was suppressed and ostracized by the new party because of his opposition to the new law.
Seeing that Su Shi was slowly losing power, Zhao Junxi quickly changed the court.
In order to show himself and exchange for his future, he personally attacked Su Shi.
He collected Su Shi's poems everywhere, tried his best to misinterpret the appendages, and fabricated accusations.
Eventually triggered the Wutai poetry case, Su Shi was imprisoned.
Later, Su Shi was lucky to retrieve a life, but since then he has completely severed relations with Zhao Junxi.
I remember what Wang Tong of the Sui Dynasty said:
"Eli intersects, and when the good is exhausted, it scatters; Intersect with the momentum, and fall if the situation is defeated; Only by the fellowship of the heart can it be made for a long time. ”
Too utilitarian interactions, like bubbles, are easily punctured.
There is no calculation, and there is no relationship of interest considerations, which is truly reliable.
During the Republic of China period, scholar Ju Zheng was once placed under house arrest by the authorities for making fierce remarks.
Friends from the past have cut off contact with him.
Only Huang Kan, a professor at Peking University, often went to the place where Ju Zheng was imprisoned to talk with him to relieve his boredom.
Later, Ju Zheng was released and became a high-ranking official, but Huang Kan never came again.
Ju Zheng couldn't figure it out, so he went to Huang Kan's house and asked him.
Huang Kan replied, "The king is not what he used to be, and his power is high, how can I be a disciple of the climber!" ”
Ju Zheng listened, was greatly shaken, and from then on he respected Huang Kan more, and the two also became close friends.
Chen Guo once said:
Making friends is not because friends are useful and cannot be used to make friends.
Fellowship with people, if you covet others, even the best relationship will eventually become sour.
True friends, on the other hand, are "useless", do not involve monetary interests, and do not climb the rich and glorious.
There is no intrigue, and there is no need to calculate each other.
The longest-lasting relationship in the world is to exchange hearts for hearts and treat each other sincerely.
▽
The American anthropologist Edward Hall proposed a "theory of interpersonal distance".
This theory holds that the degree of intimacy between people determines the distance they get along with.
Once the boundaries are crossed without measure, it is easy to cause trouble and conflict.
"Good Solitude" says: "Man and man are like two kingdoms, each of which should maintain a wide, natural and comfortable territory." ”
Interact with people, be too fast elsewhere, don't get too close, don't calculate too much.
Grasp the scale, close and sparse, dense and intermittent, two people can be close and far, go longer.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage your friends.