#送自己一朵小红花 #
When I wanted to be the second oldest, I was already forty-two years old.
I like children, when the two-child policy is not released, I don't want to think about it, once the policy is released, I want to have another child's mind is ready to move, very lucky, I quickly became pregnant.
Unfortunately, my father-in-law was soon diagnosed with lung cancer, and my mother's family was not in the local area, which meant that my pregnancy would be hard, but I felt that I could take care of myself and I was confident that I could give birth to my child.
However, one day shortly after, because of family trivia, I had a fight with my husband, who may have been particularly anxious and irritable because of his father-in-law's body, and because I was still in the early stages of pregnancy, my mood was unstable, which caused the quarrel to be very fierce.
After dinner, I don't want to forgive my husband, a person out of the community, gambling to go out, I don't know how long it took, a very terrible thought suddenly appeared in my heart, I don't want this child, instead of letting the child be born to live in such a happy family, in the face of such an unreasonable father, it is better not to.
I was frightened by this thought of my own, and I tried to suppress it, but it firmly occupied my heart like a grass with a well-developed root system that could not be pulled out.
I was a little scared and went home.
The next day is the agreed time for the pregnancy test. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if there was a real induction between mother and son, and I would repent for the rest of my life for the thoughts of that night.
The next day's examination, I was in a calm mood as usual lying on the small bed in the B ultrasound room, the doctor was next to my right side, I kept changing my position according to her requirements, which had not been done in the previous examinations, and I was already very relaxed and constantly gushing out lingering shadows.
Finally I couldn't help but ask, "Doctor, what's the situation?" She did not answer, but stood up and left.
I fantasized in my heart that maybe she just had a private affair to go out for a while, everything was fine, and the first few times the doctor said that she was developing well.
I was persuading myself, anxiously waiting, and then the doctor came back, just with her, and an older-looking doctor in a white coat, and the two of them went straight to the computer, and then pointed their fingers at the computer, saying terms and numbers that I didn't understand.
My heart was beating so well that it seemed to be popping out of my chest.
The result was something I couldn't believe anyway, there was a problem with fetal development. When the doctor told me with a dignified face, I felt that all this was too unreal, and I did not know how to face this problem.
"You go back and discuss whether to stay or not." The doctor's words fluttered in the ear like cotton wool, but they weighed as much as a thousand pounds.
When I got home, I couldn't hold back the fear and heartache in my heart any longer, and I cried like a child.
Later, I made a decision with my husband to go to Beijing Hospital to check again, and if it was really not good, I could only endure the pain of cutting love.
During that time, I advised myself not to think about anything, just thinking that the fetus in my stomach was healthy, this time it was just a misdiagnosis by the hospital, after all, they also took a long time to diagnose. What if it was a misdiagnosis?
I tried to be the same as before, and those days, I kept persuading myself to think of the good, and I often stroked my stomach and cheered on the children in my belly.
But the reality was even harsher than I thought. When I came to the hospital in Beijing, I waited in line for a day, until I entered the B ultrasound room in the afternoon, and before I could find the most comfortable position to lie down, the doctor exclaimed: "You don't have a fetal heart." ”
That sentence, like a knife, dug me hard, and I was like a blinded chicken, going out for a long time, and when I was eating, in the crowded restaurant, I couldn't control it anymore, buried my head, and sobbed and couldn't help myself.
After the operation, my sister-in-law gave me a copy of "We Three" written by Mr. Yang Dai, which gave me some comfort and understanding during the period of my cultivation.
And I haven't cried in front of my husband since the operation. At that time, he still had to bear the misfortune of his father's cancer, and for him, those years were even more difficult.
And my husband showed his greatest patience in front of me, and neither of us seemed to have happened, but I knew that behind every light and breezy word, in every gentle laughter, there was a sadness that could not be touched.
The sadness is like a ball full of air, a light touch, all the cover-ups made through hard work, will burst out in a thud, revealing the sad appearance that life should be.
In those days, we carefully covered our wounds, carefully helped each other cover up their wounds, and desperately covered them with our hands to prevent the blood from flowing out.
Such days passed unconsciously, and there were relatives and friends around me who continued to join the team of the second child, and I just bitterly shifted my mind to other places, and my husband and I had already made up our minds not to have a second child.
Until one day half a year later, I suddenly realized that I had not seen my great aunt for a while.
When I panicked and told my husband the news, he laughed instead, he thought it was me who was making a fuss, how could it be? Just half a year of surgery, not to mention, has decided not to.
But I still bought the test strips, and when we found out that we were really pregnant again, the two of us were in a dilemma.
Well, I was still young and in good health, but I didn't succeed, and now I haven't fully recovered, in case the fetus is not good, what to do? Don't, it's a life.
After a few days and nights of consideration, the two of us finally made a unanimous decision, going with the flow and obeying the mandate of heaven.
Once I decided to keep the baby, every obstetric check-up was my most frightening day, but fortunately there were no accidents. It's just that the father-in-law's illness is getting more and more serious, and he needs his husband to often take him to the cancer hospital in the provincial city for chemotherapy.
When I was six months pregnant, I found that the cervical opening was lax, and there was a possibility of premature birth at any time. In order to prevent premature birth, I had to reduce my exercise and lie still in bed, while not exercising for a long time, my body became more and more stupid, and my blood pressure also increased.
During the period, I had a back pain, a big belly, in bed like flapjacks to turn over, get up is even more difficult, and those days are the days when the father-in-law went to the provincial city hospitalization, the husband was going to drive him and his mother-in-law to the hospital to come back to take care of me, that day the highway traffic jam, blocked a whole day and a night.
I endured the pain of my lower back, and I still had worries about my husband, and I lay alone in bed, and I had almost no sleep that night.
Fortunately, all this survived. There was no danger that a child was born.
Now the child is almost five years old. Whenever I hear him sweetly call his father and mother, especially when I see him with my brother who came home from college, I am happy and proud to let my brother pick him up from school and chat with my brother, and my brother has taken on the responsibility of my brother for my brother, I am very relieved and feel extremely happy.
The hardships of childbearing and nurturing during this period are nothing. As long as the result is good.
I am grateful for the persistent decisions I made, and I am grateful for the pain, worry, and panic I experienced in this regard, and finally I overcame them, and as I experienced them, my heart became stronger and more rational, tough and gentle.
To this end, I want to give myself a small red flower. I hope that in the future, my life path will be more determined and better.