If a handsome, goldy, age-appropriate man proposed to you, would you say yes?
In the movie "Tokyo Noble Woman", the 27-year-old heroine "Hanako", who hates to marry, gives a positive answer.
Even when meeting with her fiancé's parents, she needs to kneel into the house.
In Huazi's family education, she was planted from an early age with the belief that "marrying and having children and taking good care of the family is the path that a woman should take." ”
It is lamentable that even a woman with a wealthy family cannot escape the confinement of herself.
In Hanako's body, the shackles given to women are bluntly displayed in front of the audience, and we see it painfully, because in those struggles and pains, it seems that there is a shadow of ourselves.
When we have been shackled for many years and have lived as a well-behaved woman in the eyes of our parents and a good wife and mother in the hearts of the public, do you remember where our real selves are?
The arranged life, the self is imprisoned
Hanako, a nobleman from Tokyo's high society, was suddenly abandoned by her lover on the day she crossed the Chinese New Year's Eve at the age of 26.
That night, sitting with the family, everyone did not thoughtfully soothe Huazi's emotions, but immediately began to arrange a blind date for Huazi.
"He's a doctor", "Their family is right with us", "We need to find an heir"...
The family talked nonsense, and Hanako sat stupidly on the side, fully accepting everyone's "kindness".
Next, she began a crazy blind date.
Among the blind dates, there are otaku with a lonely personality, a nightclub prince with watery Yanghua, and a rude and brainless ichijing brother... After repeated failures, Hanako almost lost hope.
It was then that she met a golden bachelor of the same aristocratic class.
Handsome, golden, elegant and considerate.
She couldn't believe it was true and thought she had met love.
Passing the family test of the aristocratic class was an easy task for Hanako.
She soon married the golden bachelor.
But what she didn't expect was that the dreamy man before marriage was like a cold stone after marriage.
He often worked outside the home and sometimes came home late, and the two barely had much communication.
He didn't care what Hanako thought, what she liked or wanted. Under the same roof, polite and distant.
Huazi can tolerate the birth of her mother-in-law and the excessively strict rules of her husband's family, but she does not want to accept it, and in her husband's eyes, she is a transparent person.
At this time, Huazi finally began to think about the meaning of life.
In the first half of her life, she has been living step by step under the arrangement of her family, going to school, reading, working, resigning, getting married...
She thought it was right and deserved, but she wasn't happy.
At this point in the movie, the oppressive atmosphere makes many people feel incredible.
It's 2022, how can there be women who are so irresponsible about their lives and easily at the mercy of their families?
In fact, it is not because Hanako "doesn't want to", but because she does not have this "consciousness", because she "does not know".
The more profoundly we are influenced by the original family when we are young, the more we tend to look at the adult world according to the worldview of our childhood, and to deal with others according to the thinking habits formed in the original family, which is the "integration" of the individual and the original family.
Hanako, who lives in the aristocratic class, has carefully designed every word and deed, she does not understand the worldly "truth", does not understand fireworks, does not know that someone has Christmas at home, and does not understand that there can be another way of life for herself.
The "fusion" with her original family penetrates deep into Hanako's subconscious, which allows her to enter an automated mode of life, where she is able to skillfully cope with all the "rules" of aristocratic life, but she also shields herself from feelings.
The pain and confusion after marriage prompted her to have to look back at her heart again and again, and the faint light of awareness also quietly lit up at this time.
Meet the "love enemy" and the self is illuminated
Hanako's husband, Koichiro, had an ambiguous female friend named Miki Toshioka during his college years.
Miki was born in remote Toyama, and her family situation is completely different from that of Hanako.
She was admitted to Keio University on her own and came to Tokyo, but her father asked her to go home to help because she could not find a job.
In order to save for tuition, she went to a nightclub to work as a drinking lady, but eventually dropped out of school.
Koichiro became acquainted with Miki at a nightclub and helped her get a job in Tokyo.
Hanako learns of Miki's presence and meets her with friends.
Without the plot of her wife beating Up Kozo, Miki sincerely apologizes to Hanako and says that she will never see Koichiro again.
She did, and instead of saying goodbye to the "Tokyo patron," she started a business with her good friends and lived a difficult but fulfilling life.
After marriage, Hanako, who was experiencing confusion and pain, once met Miki on the street and came to her house as a guest.
Miki's home is small but exquisitely furnished, and the furnishings of the home are determined according to Miki's own preferences.
Hua Zi carefully savored the longing happiness in it, and it was very yearning.
What she didn't know was that at this time, her ego was gradually being divided.
The theory of "self-differentiation" proposed by Bowen, a representative of family therapy, is a self-discriminating ability.
Simply put, people with weak self-differentiation will be very dependent on the outside world, and they will ignore their feelings and please others, hoping to be recognized by others; such as Huazi before marriage.
People with strong self-differentiation ability have clear and unambiguous values and beliefs, they understand their needs, and they will not be easily affected by the external environment; it is a bit like the beauty of hard work.
Sometimes, certain qualities in our own bodies, certain "selves," that we are not aware of ourselves, can be seen in others.
Miki is like a mirror that shines into Hanako's heart, allowing her to see different possibilities for herself and prompting her to divide herself.
Not only Miki, but also Hanako's friend, Ikeko.
She is the only unmarried woman among Hanako's friends, and she doesn't care what others think, she plays the violin everywhere and lives a free and fulfilling life.
In them, Hanako saw the power that "women" could grow from their hearts.
Leaving Miki's nest and returning to her empty and cold home, Hanako had already made up her mind.
She no longer had the luxury of marriage and family protection, bravely filed for divorce, and began to look for a more free life.
Be aware of yourself and embrace a free life
After Hanako's divorce, she became the agent of her best friend Yizi.
They run from place to place, performing everywhere, happy and full.
One day, they were going to play for a charity project, and Hanako's ex-husband, Koichiro, happened to be here to participate in a political election.
When he learns that Hanako is his friend's agent, Koichiro is surprised.
Forced to leave because of his work, he seems to be eager to see Hanako again.
On the night of the performance, across the crowd and the stairs, Hanako and Koichiro looked at each other from a distance.
Hanako knew that this was the first time he had truly seen himself.
If a person does not complete the differentiation of the self, not only does he live numbly, but in the eyes of others, he is also illusory.
And just like Hanako's experience, when she completes the differentiation and finds her true self, in the eyes of others, she will become vivid and attractive.
Not only in intimate relationships, but also in colleagues, friends, and family relationships, people whose self-differentiation ability is not good enough will cater to others because they ignore their feelings excessively, and it is easy to form a flattering personality.
This seems to relieve the pressure, but in fact it lays hidden dangers for the relationship.
Because the true self is not seen, it will always appear in different ways and attract our attention.
For example, children who have been controlled by their parents for a long time may be very obedient, but suddenly fall ill before the big exam; for example, the husband, who was originally cheerful and humorous, suddenly suffers from depression.
Therefore, for the sake of our physical and mental health, we must complete the differentiation of ourselves as well as possible.
Self-differentiation, the most important thing, is to increase our awareness.
When we are able to "become aware of ourselves," we can achieve the unity of body and mind and make the mind healthier.
We can try to make our feelings more concrete.
For example, when we feel uncomfortable, try to distinguish whether this is our own feeling or the feelings of others. We feel uncomfortable, where is it uncomfortable? Which part of the body produces the same sensation? Is it the stomach? Back? Legs? Or something else?
Can this discomfort be described specifically? Like tightness? Or stinging? Or is it soreness?
To experience the sensations of the body, and then to think, what do these feelings make "me" feel? Is it pain? Is it guilt? Is it anger?
In addition to concretizing our feelings, we can also try to make some positive interpretations of the concept of self.
It can also be understood as putting some positive labels on yourself.
For example, I often say to myself that I am an independent person and that I am a very intelligent person.
Don't compulsively allow yourself to achieve these labels, they can be a beautiful idea, a goal for you to grow for, as long as you make a little progress every day, you should affirm yourself.
Finally, and very importantly, we need to try to establish boundaries with others.
Perceptual boundaries play a very important role in the improvement of awareness.
Many people with vague awareness have difficulty distinguishing whether their boundaries are invaded by others, and if the boundaries are constantly eroded, the inner space will become smaller and smaller, resulting in the self being eaten.
We can give ourselves more time to react at a time.
For example, if a colleague asks you to do something. Don't rush to answer, tell him you need to think about it.
Then leave the current environment, find a comfortable space, and self-deliberate. When you find out that this is not something you should be doing, charge it up and bravely go back and tell him "no".
This timely rejection of others is also an affirmation of oneself at the right time.
The writer Yu Hua wrote in the book "Alive":
"Life belongs to everyone's own feelings, not to anyone else's opinion."
When we maintain a deep awareness of life and are not influenced by the outside world and others, we can truly become ourselves.
Planning | Fish sweet
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