#头号周刊 #
Our childhood / like a breeze / rustling forward / how can not blow back / our childhood / like a bird / fluttering forward / how can not fly upside down / our childhood / like a boat / rushing forward / how can not return / our childhood / like a kite / hula hula fluttering forward / how will not float back
--Anon. "Our Childhood"
01
It is often said that in the eyes of parents, children are small children who never grow up; in the same way, in front of parents, all children are babies, and they are willing to be treasures held in the palms of their hands.
Yeah, as long as both parents are alive, who isn't a baby yet?
I once read a story about a "colorful dress to entertain relatives" about a hermit named Lao Laizi in the Spring and Autumn Period, who loved his parents very much, and when he was seventy years old, his parents were probably ninety years old. But in order to please the second elder, sometimes, Lao Laizi would personally catch a bird with a gentle call and give it to his parents to relieve their boredom; sometimes, he would put on a colorful costume and jump like a child, making his parents laugh; sometimes, when he brought tea to the water house, he accidentally fell to the ground, and learned to cry like a child, until his parents took him in their arms, patted his back and coaxed him, and he grinned with his teeth and teeth.
This story is really warm and loving. The "old and improper" family, all innocent and toothless, but loved each other until they were old. This is the legendary father's kindness and filial piety, and Chenghuan's knees.
Usually, people regard this story as a typical case of "filial piety and love for the elderly" and promote it as a traditional virtue of the Chinese nation, and it is included in the "Twenty-Four Filial Pieties" edited by Guo Jujing in the Yuan Dynasty.
However, I don't entirely agree with this view.
For love is not a murmur, love is like a response, like a shadow; love is not a one-man show, love is mutual support, care for each other.
In a home, there are old and young, we must respect the old and love the young, and the old and the young. Like a towering tree, its roots plunge deep into the earth to absorb nutrients; its stem strives upwards to deliver nutrients; its branches flourish and stretch out to bathe in the sun; and its fruits are plump and luscious to dedicate a good harvest on earth.
02
Man, the biggest problem is - forgetfulness.
Just as silkworm babies always have to turn into butterflies and dance in a hesitant manner. And the tadpole either turns into a frog or a toad. Therefore, a person always has to change from baby to mother, from mother to grandmother. The problem is that my mother forgot that she was also young and weak, and would also ask her parents for a hug when she was helpless; grandma forgot that she was also young and crazy, and she would also make mistakes and make mistakes.
So, why can't you learn to swap roles and be more tolerant of each other? Give the baby more tranquility, rather than noisy and noisy disturbing the baby's quiet and beautiful dreams, becoming the baby's lifelong shadows and nightmares; let the children have more autonomy, rather than imposing their own likes and dislikes on the children, so that they feel suffocated and depressed.
There is a principle in psychology called "overcompensation." The gist of it is that a person makes extraordinary efforts to make up for physical or psychological deficiencies and deficiencies, resulting in over-compensatory behavior and "overcorrection".
Overcompensation usually occurs in two situations, on the one hand, someone turns the defect into an advantage and becomes a superior person. For example, Churchill, the greatest prime minister in British history. When he was a child, he was dumbfounded, his academic performance was also very poor, and he also had the problem of stuttering, and the more anxious he was, the more he stuttered and could not say a word, so teachers and classmates hated him. Once, during class, the teacher saw that little Churchill was only in a daze and did not listen to the lecture, so he shouted at him: "Churchill, what are you doing?" Churchill did not return for a moment, and did not say a word like a fool. The teacher pointed angrily at his nose and said, "You have thrown away all the faces of your parents, and you will only be a poor parasite in the future!" Churchill stood up and stammered and retorted, "No, I, I, I... To do it... Talk about... Family. The result caused the whole class to laugh. But Churchill was not discouraged, and his parents did not pour cold water on him, but constantly encouraged him, relying on the belief of "never give up" and practicing hard, and finally Churchill became a top-level orator, and at the same time, he became the best prime minister among orators.
On the other hand, there are also people who are psychologically deformed, hungry and hungry, and become utilitarians. Yang Zixi in the TV series "Beijing Love Story" is such a character. Yang Zixi was originally Wu Di's ex-girlfriend, and the two had been in love for many years, but she broke up with Wu Di because of her greed for vanity, and she fell in love with a rich second generation. When she has the money, she frantically buys shoes, as long as it is a new product in the season, she has to buy it and put it in the shoe cabinet to be happy. Although he was humiliated by this rich second generation many times, he still swallowed his anger three times and four times. Ex-boyfriend Wu Di has been silently waiting by her side, responding to everything. Once Yang Zixi was bullied by the second generation of the rich and lived in the girlfriend's house. Wu Di even prepared the diamond ring for the marriage proposal, but in the end, Yang Zixi left Wu Di to take the car of the rich second generation and left for a flower shop promised to her. Everyone thinks that Yang Zixi is a superficial and light woman who does not deserve true love. However, in fact, Yang Zixi's transformation into what he is now is not unrelated to his original family environment. Yang Zixi said that when she was a child, her family was very poor, her parents often quarreled over trivial matters, she hid in the cupboard because she was afraid, in order to make herself feel better, she imagined that she was in the flower country where flowers were blooming, so owning a flower shop became her dream. Yang Zixi is also often ridiculed by her peers because she can't afford to buy shoes. Therefore, when I grew up, I had these strange habits. In the end, the terrible price of infertility was paid.
It is conceivable that the lack of a person in childhood will often become the lack of a lifetime. Instead of overcompensating afterwards, it is better to give "simple love" given by parents at that time.
03
I agree with Sanmao's passage: When encountering things that cannot be solved, ask the child, and the opinion blurted out by the child is often the most accurate and practical answer.
Indeed, every adult has a baby in his heart. Who's not yet a baby? Who doesn't lack love? For people who lack love, the best compensation is to sow love, especially for parents, as long as they sow the constant temperature love that they have not been able to get, sowing in the baby's heart, it is the best compensation. The constant temperature love of parents is the baby's eternal haven.
However, in reality, we often encounter the parents of "pit babies". A friend of mine whose mother is from Sichuan, said that her mother died when she was three years old, and her mother was brought up by her stepmother. When she was a child, she was often treated by her stepmother, who raised her hand to beat her mother, the kind of beating her to death, and she could use anything to commit violence. Once, the stepmother directly hit her mother in the head with the fire tongs for the fire, and there was a lot of blood at that time, and there is still a big scar on the head. Another time, the stepmother grabbed her mother's hair and pressed it into the river, pressing it and scolding it, pressing it until the person couldn't stand it anymore, and almost drowned before she brought it up. I don't know how many times I pressed it, and then my friend's mother's hair fell out and only half of the original. On another occasion, her stepmother tied her mother to a pillar and beat her with a bamboo pole until she broke it all. Friends said that such a thing, the mother can not finish three days and three nights.
I wonder how such an unfortunate mother who grew up in a violent environment would treat her baby. I asked my friend, "So what did your mother do to you?" ”
The friend sighed and said, "I was very naughty when I was a child, and it was common to be beaten by my parents." My first memory is of being beaten, when I was three or four years old, as if I had lost one of my sandals by wading through a river. Usually, being beaten by my parents is because I am disobedient, and my parents never tell me what is wrong, anyway, as long as I don't listen to them, I will be beaten. Especially after having a little brother, it is clear that my brother has made a mistake, but it is always me who is beaten. Fight it, I'm a real person, remember to eat or not to fight. But there is one thing that makes me think about it very carefully, and now that I think about it, I am really a little afraid! That's what my mother's behavior made me feel weird. Several times, after I made a mistake, my mother would let me admit my mistake, admit it, admit it, she actually took a kitchen knife in front of me, and said with a vicious face: If you don't admit your mistake, you will tear your mouth... Scared the baby to death! If I had encountered this now, I would not have immediately fallen to my knees and begged for forgiveness. Are there fewer reports on the news of parents killing their biological children? But did you know that I was a dead duck with a hard mouth at the time, and I didn't admit it once. After the friend finished speaking, he took another long breath and had a frightened expression.
I pretended to be relaxed and said, "Then you have to thank the Buddha for blessing your mother's men with mercy and people under the knife." Hehe. The friend grudgingly smiled and didn't say anything.
Ponder the horror. Sometimes the misfortunes of the previous generation will be repeated in the next generation, forming a dead cycle.
If life has a choice, then there is no reason why the baby should not choose a loving family of origin. Hugo once said, "A mother's arm is made of love, and how can a child sleep in it without being sweet?" ”
Parents and children are gifts to each other. This gift is strange, it can love each other and kill each other.
No matter what kind of suffering and misfortune you have experienced, when you are ready to have a baby, the first thing you have to learn is: let go and reconcile. Letting go of the past, reconciling with life, and trying to cultivate yourself into a person who understands love at a constant temperature is a paradox about love, your responsibility to the future baby, in order to make you the mary of the baby, not the wolf grandmother who eats people.
If you are not ready to "cultivate yourself" for your baby, don't rush to "make a villain". Because every baby has a glass heart, it really can't hurt.
Emotion is an instinct.
Love is an ability.
Constant temperature love is a kind of cultivation.
A yang green orange, a person who uses the soul as the tune and sings with the tip of the pen, thank you for listening! Likes, favorites, retweets and comments are welcome. May the text be used as silk to wear the good fortune of the three lives and three lifetimes.