The book I bring to you today is "Little People: Me and My Father Jobs."
It's a memoir by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, the daughter of the famous Steve Jobs, but an unmarried daughter.
Speaking of Jobs, we all know that he is the co-founder of Apple, a scientific and technological genius and business tycoon who has profoundly influenced the world.
He dropped out of college, started from scratch in the garage, started Apple, his life story has been published in newspapers and magazines all over the world, his photos have been circulated wildly on the Internet, even his favorite black and white T-shirts, his personalized quotes, have made countless entrepreneurs imitate, his life story, has been written into various versions of "chicken soup for the soul".
Even the shame of his life of being driven out of his own company by his decision-making mistakes has become an inspirational bridge that people talk about, after all, he later made a comeback through NeXt and Pixar. It seems that Jobs is such a person, he seems to be omnipotent, he used an Apple phone, changed the whole world, he made the world worship him.
However, you must not know that Jobs also has a super failed side - as a father, he is extremely failed.
For many, Jobs was a respectable and admirable genius, however, to Lisa, the book's author, he was just an unqualified father.
Lisa
Lisa, the eldest daughter of Steve Jobs who was born out of wedlock to his ex-girlfriend, is the product of a failed relationship. Over the years, Jobs's attitude toward this illegitimate daughter was intriguing.
At first, he was reluctant to admit that Lisa was his daughter and to pay Lisa's child support. Later, he slowly approached Lisa and her mother's life, but never knew how to take on the responsibilities of a father.
As a biological father, he also brought some love and warmth to Lisa, but more, it was endless harm, he repeatedly refused his daughter's legitimate requests, said harsh words to her, preferred to dispose of his Porsche as a waste rather than give it to her, and even stopped paying her tuition in the last year of Lisa's university, causing her to almost drop out of school.
Later, for nearly a decade, he did not answer her phone calls and ignored her, because of his reasons, Lisa did not grow up in a healthy and normal environment, and had serious psychological problems.
The book isn't just Lisa's "Memories of My Scumbag Daddy Jobs," it's also a memoir of a woman's personal upbringing.
In the book, Lisa also tells her about her growing up in poverty and loneliness, telling her about her from deep trauma and self-doubt, to finding inner peace and reconciliation with herself, and how she struggled to find her identity and place in the family and even in the world between her out-of-control mother and her uncertain father.
1. The product of a failed love
My father, Tiff Steve Jobs, and my mother met in a middle school in the small town of Cupertino, California, when they were still romantic teenagers, and two like-minded young people fell in love.
It didn't take long for my mother to propose to break up. I often think back, is it because of this that my father has been frantically retaliating against my mother?
Two years later, when my father and a few friends started Apple, the two of them were reconciled again. My father's temper was elusive, moody, and often lost his temper inexplicably. The mother suffered greatly, but there was nothing she could do.
One day, the mother told her father that she was pregnant. The father's reaction was not to rejoice, but to inexplicably throw a tantrum and slammed the door out. His mother speculated that he had done so on purpose, a "Cold War" tactic his lawyer had suggested he adopt.
Christian Brennan
Originally, her mother also worked at Apple, but her father's move completely angered her and she resigned from her job. For a time, she not only lost her lover, but also lost her financial resources, lost her residence, and had to apply for relief money. In those days, she had borrowed a few days at this friend's house, that friend's house for a few days, and even lived in a carriage when she was at its worst.
With no financial resources, living in poverty, no place to live, no one to rely on, her mother thought about miscarriage, but in the end she could not bear it. In the spring of 1978, I was born.
A few days later, my father finally showed up, and my father refused to accept me, and he refused to admit that I was his daughter, even though I had the same big nose and the same black hair as he did.
Before long, my father was leaving again, and before leaving, he and my mother had given me a name; Lisa, simple, but unique. On my birth certificate, both parents' names were written on it, and I took my mother's last name, Brennan, instead of Jobs.
Later I learned that my father named Apple's first personal computer after me, which was developed before the popular computer on the market and was Apple's first generation of products, but unfortunately, it was a failed product, and for consumers, it was too big and too expensive for consumers, and no one wanted to buy it home.
At that time, it was my father who led everyone to start the project, and then he himself stopped the project, and the three thousand "Lisa" computers that could not be sold were all thrown into the garbage dump.
How coincidental, just like me, was born by this man named Jobs and abandoned.
When I was two years old, the state attorney's office indicted my father, demanding that he pay me alimony and compensate the government for the welfare benefits the government had already given us. In the face of the accusations, he refused to admit that it was my father, and in order to prove himself, he even said that he was infertile, and said that my mother had been in contact with multiple men, implying that I was the child of other men.
Later, we went for DNA testing and it turned out that 94.4% of me and I were probably immediate family members. There is no doubt that he is my father.
2. The mother, who has always been strong, has collapsed
For as long as I can remember, my life with my mother has been a difficult one, working as a waitress at a nearby restaurant with a meager salary, and we had no money to rent a decent place to live, often moving around, often staying briefly at my mother's friend's house and then switching to another friend's house a few months later. Going around, there was never a time to settle down.
Although she had no place to live and cut back on food and clothing, my mother tried so hard to make us live decently, and I once asked her, "Why don't you cut out the coupons in the newspaper and take them to the supermarket to buy discounted things?" I see everyone else doing this. ”
The mother said dismissively, "No, I'm not that kind of person, and I never want to be that kind of person." "My mother was always like that, she was a talented artist, arrogant and self-effacing in her bones, unwilling to bow to reality. Friends who have seen her works are often surprised that she is so talented but so poor, and some friends suggest to her, "Your paintings are so good, you must be able to sell for a good price." ”
But my mother didn't want to make money from her talents, and she remembered only painting a few commercial paintings, which were very good, but she thought, "That's not real art." ”
My mother, who was supposed to be an artist, lived an unrestrained and imaginative life with her hippie friends, but now, because of my existence, she had to struggle every day in the boring and trivial chai rice oil and salt, and had to run for years to survive.
Mother with Lisa
In our near-sloppy lives, she was often keenly aware of beauty, creating beauty, going to the art store to buy paper, brushes and paints for handmade use when she had a little more money, taking me and a few other children to sketch in the valley and go hiking in the wilderness. She tried to hide her negative emotions in front of me, always showing an optimistic and strong side, but one setback after another slowly consumed her energy and polished her will.
At first, her family would help her and lend us some money, but over time, they rarely showed up. After all, they all have their own lives, and who has the extra energy and money to take care of us continuously? At the age of 28, she now has to admit the fact that raising a child alone is much more difficult than she expected.
As a single mother who has children out of wedlock, she is not only financially strapped, she cannot get the support of relatives and friends, but also has to face the cold eyes and discrimination of the people around her, but these are not the most terrible, the real horror is that as a single mother, she is disconnected from society and gradually drifting away from the life she longed for before. Even if she has a strong will and optimism beyond ordinary people, she is defeated in the face of cruel reality.
Finally, an unexpected loss became the last straw that crushed her.
That day, my mother drove me to a nearby hot spring. When I returned, it was already dark and it was raining heavily. The field of vision in front of it is getting worse and worse, and the wiper of the partial car is broken, and through the front window, only a blurry scene can be seen. When the car drove to the highway, we got lost.
Mother tried several times to find the right fork in the road, but repeatedly failed, and gradually, anxiety, despair, nervousness, anger, a little bit rushed into her heart, at first she just sobbed quietly, and after a while she screamed sharply: "I have nothing, I don't want my current life at all, I don't want it!" I've had enough, I've had enough! She vented her long-held resentment and dissatisfaction with all her might, her voice hoarse from screaming, and she buried her face deep in the crook of her arm and gasped and cried.
I was at a loss for words, her grief wrapped tightly around me, and I sat dumbfounded, my body stiff, silent not knowing what to say, not knowing how to use pale words to free her from despair and helplessness.
Suddenly, the mother threw the steering wheel with all her strength, and the car made a sharp turn and flew out of the middle of the road, and in that instant, I thought, we are dead, crazy but calm death, just ahead of us. As a result, nothing happened, and I was still sitting in my seat, the sound of the rain hitting the glass in my ears, and we just passed a slope.
3. I tried to get close to him in vain
When the family was in such a bad state that there was nothing she could do, the mother would call her father for help, "I just need a little money, Steve." ”
Steve, I know so little about him, he seems to me like those marble-carved figures on an art exhibition, half smooth on the outside, half rough on the outside, and I can't help but imagine what it's like to be inside that hasn't been revealed.
My mother always said to me, "He loves you, but he doesn't know that he loves you, if he sees you and understands you, he will know, what is he missing?" Lisa, one day he will know, and at that time, he will come to you and open his heart to you. ”
When I was eight years old, my father began to visit us from time to time, taking me outdoors to play, once or twice a month, and it was the first time he came into my life, and my father, from a name, a title, a vague imagination, became a living person.
That year, he had just been kicked out of the Apple company he had founded, and he had suffered a huge mental blow, and his expression became more and more indifferent and arrogant, and he hardly spoke. I sometimes felt his gaze rest on me, but when I looked at him, he quickly looked away again.
My mother happened to be admitted to an art university, and every Wednesday night when she needed to take classes, I was sent to my father to take care of me, so that we had more time to spend together.
I would stay overnight in his huge, empty villa, and at night we would lie in bed watching movies together and talking like any normal father and daughter in the world, but I knew very well in my heart that we were only superficially close, in fact, more distant than strangers.
Jobs and Lisa
I longed to be as intimate with him as a normal father and daughter, and I often unconsciously courted him and obeyed him everywhere. But no matter how hard I try, there is always an invisible barrier between us.
I couldn't guess what he was thinking, and the slightest inattention would provoke him, and he, one second he was kind and kind, and the next second he was manic and angry, and he spoke harshly and harshly. No matter what the occasion, even in the face of a very fragile child, he can say hurtful words without mercy.
Once, I sat silently in my father's car. To break the awkward atmosphere, I asked him if he could wait for him not to have the car and give it to me. I heard that if a Porsche had a scratch, my father would not hesitate to dispose of it, and instead of throwing it away, he would give it to me, wouldn't he?
The father flatly refused, and he got angry, and the consequences were very serious: "You won't get anything from me, you know?" I'm not going to give you anything. I didn't say anything, I just felt a pain in my heart as if it had been torn apart.
I tried to be close to him, to want him to accept me, but for him, my presence was only a disgraceful past in his life, a stain on his almost perfect resume.
Only by abandoning me and staying away from me can he become that ideal self again.
4. I am an outsider to my father's family
As my father and I got closer and closer, my mother and I were going in opposite directions, going farther and farther. She had more and more emotional breakdowns, and would curse me loudly, curse her father, and complain about the unfairness of fate to her. I'm just a teenager, powerless to change all this, and unable to resolve adult feuds. When I can't remember the first few times I was scolded loudly by her, I began to want to escape from the home that had given me shelter and warmth.
At the same time, my father sent me an invitation: "I want you to think about it and move in with us." ”
Lorena Powell Jobs
At this time, he married another woman, Lauren, and had children. My father's home was exactly what my ideal home looked like. Complete, rich, with the love of both parents. God knows how much I envy my brother, who was born with unreserved love from his parents, and I even wanted to be him, to be the father and Lauren's child.
But the father had one condition: "You must make a choice between us and your mother, and if you choose us, you will not be allowed to see your mother for half a year." ”
In the end, I chose my father and abandoned my mother. Maybe that's the source of my guilt and regret that I've been feeling for ever since, choosing between the mother who raised me and the father who abandoned me. This feeling of guilt gripped me tightly and haunted me deeply, for a long, long time, unable to dissipate. In severe cases, I even lost the ability to speak, shaking my lips and unable to say a word.
In those days. I was always afraid that my father or Lauren would abandon me, and in order to make them love me a little more, I tried my best to please them and try to express myself.
Lisa Lauren Jobs
My father proposed to change my last name back to Jobs and take his last name. I hesitated, I could not bear to abandon my mother's surname, which would be a further betrayal of my mother. Finally, I took a compromise approach, and I changed my last name to, Brennan Jobs, and connected the two surnames with a semicolon to merge them into one.
When my father gets along with me, he is not as tolerant and loving as a father to his daughter, but as harsh and harsh as a boss to his employees, but if I make a mistake, I will be punished heavily.
Once, I accidentally lost my bike and I begged him to buy me another one. My father agreed, but in exchange I had to wash the dishes every night and help take care of my brother.
I agreed to his conditions, but the dishwasher at home was broken, and my father refused to buy a new one, so I had to wait every night for them to finish eating, and then stay in the kitchen alone to brush the dishes hard.
To me, he was always so stingy, but he was willing to spend a lot of money to buy a luxury car for his ex-girlfriend and buy brand-name clothes for Lauren, but he wouldn't put a new stove on my room.
I pulled out some family portrait photos from home, and among the thick pile of photos, only a few of them contained me, and the rest were almost all about my brother as the protagonist. Many times, my father would take pictures of his brother with his expensive camera, which no one else would touch, and ask me to stand aside and not block the camera.
I tried to fit in with them and be part of the family, but the reality was that I was always just an outsider.
5. Reconcile with your father and reconcile with yourself
At the age of 18, I left California to study at Harvard University on the east coast of the United States, only to return to my father's house during the holidays.
Once, when I was helping my mother move, my father just called and invited me and his family to go to a circus show. I refused, and my father would not allow anyone to rebel against him, so I was kicked out of the house by him. Since then, my father has been reluctant to talk to me, and he has seen my move out as a betrayal. I called him and emailed him, and he ignored it. In this way, my father was silent to me for ten years, until he had cancer.
In my father's last days, I went to visit him, and he was too thin to look like he was, weak and tired. He was sorry that he didn't spend much time with me when he was a child, tears flowed from his face, and he solemnly apologized to me, saying that he owed me too much.
I spent my life waiting for my father's apology and finally reconciled with him.
With my father gone, my heart was relieved, and I no longer doubted myself "is it that I am not doing well enough, so he does not like me"? I no longer longed to be part of his family, no longer envious of my younger siblings getting all his love. I would never again prefer to never have been born, never to want to be another person again, my experiences are precious, whether happy or painful, an indispensable part of who I am, who have made me what I am — imperfect, but unique.
Edited | Liangshan
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