Life has given Ren Jiaxuan many wonderful lessons, such as hard work may not be able to seek better, and what is lost may not be recovered.
After fighting all the way from the battle of life, she still loves to sing, love people, love all the good and bad of life, and she is more convinced to face the present calmly, accept "no" and "not get", everything will be willowy.
"Snap", the lights of the hotel suddenly all dimmed. Ren Jiaxuan and I were stunned and blurted out together, "Won't you trip?" As she spoke, she had turned on the flashlight that came with her phone. We continued to chat with the faint light source, the neon lights outside the window reflected in her pupils, like a light that turned through the glass.
She had experienced many accidents in her life, such as the sudden darkness of this moment, as great as the nightmare fire. By contrast, the sudden situation in her voice before the release of her second solo album was probably only "upper-middle" bad: by then the album was halfway recorded, and the producers thought it was due to fatigue caused by excessive recording density, but after a week or two of rest, her condition did not improve as expected.
In retrospect, Ren Jiaxuan can still only describe that moment as "full of frustration". "Last week, even the day before I could sing, why can't I sing now?" There is no reason, there really is no reason. She couldn't understand the causal relationship between them, and in order to record that album, she went to class in particular, obviously in order to improve her skills, she also made an effort, but she lost what she originally had.
"At that time, I felt that life often gave me some wonderful lessons, and I wanted to ask for 'better', not only could I not ask for it, but I didn't have it." At the lowest time, she did not dare to listen to the song when she returned home, or even did not sing at all, but singing was such a happy thing that she used to sing. "Singing recordings have always been my favorite part of my job. At that time, there will be unhappiness, such as arguing with parents or friends, but the magic thing is that as soon as I record, my mood will inexplicably change, and the original tangled things will become less important. ”
She never doubted the equivalence between singing and pleasure. She has seen some information, science proves that singing has the effect of massaging internal organs, which makes her more convinced of the healing effect of singing, "I can get so much happiness from it, a kind of happiness from the inside out." She understood and cherished the talent, so she couldn't understand it when it disappeared silently and without warning.
"But I began to accept myself in this state. I can still sing, just adjust to my comfortable range and hum the music I like. She felt that anger should not be rebuked on "singing", "the melody is wronged, it is still beautiful in itself." She has been talking to herself like this, and began to try to hum at home, "It doesn't matter if you can't sing well anyway, there is no idol baggage, just be happy." ”
At that stage, Ren Jiaxuan began to understand some truths: if he had done the best he could, he did not need to force himself to any extent, nor did he have to improve to what extent. "Stop putting pressure on yourself, don't think about why this is the case, why it was possible before and not now... When you accept the current 'no', everything will get better. ”
In the future, Ren Jiaxuan agrees more: the happiness and sense of achievement that he affirms are more important than the standards that others recognize. Instead of being confined to safety, it is better to do something other than you like.
A few months ago, she released her latest EP", "The Road to Beauty, I Want to Decide Myself", discussing the "standard of beauty". "When I write the words, I think, what do I want to express? I have always had a lot of question marks in my heart about the pursuit of 'beauty', and I may feel a little confused about some of the so-called mainstream beauty standards now, and I want to express a small protest. ”
In her opinion, the world already had a somewhat strange definition of beauty, and its pursuit: it seemed that everyone was going to look like one and go in one direction, which made her feel trepidation. "What this 'trepidation' means is that I think it's a pity that everyone could have their own most cute and charming look, there will be unique parts, but you didn't explore it or let everyone see it."
The song has a song and then a lyric, and she wrote it almost two years ago at the height of the epidemic, when the mood that became low with the changes in the environment gradually eased in the process of creation. This is the second time she has written her own, as a singer, when she interprets, she can interpret the song from the perspective of the "other", and after changing her identity, she just wants to lament, "It's so hard to write!" It's like writing modern poetry. ”
"How can you feel that your vocabulary is so small? The point is that I have the theme I want to express, I have some words I want to use, how do I string them together, and there is smoothness, a little rhyme? She also played a little bit of her favorite harmonic stem: "wang" can take the word "towards", can also take "forget", become "forget beauty", or take the word "delusion" and become "delusional beauty", the meaning between them is very different, can give this sentence more dimensional meaning.
Before starting, Ren Jiaxuan was prepared for the idea of "not easy", but writing has always been her little hobby, and she does not want to miss this process. During the holidays, she will write some greeting cards, fill out a few hidden poems when interested, and even if it is posted on social networks, she will carefully conceive and add a little style of her own. "A little emotional, sometimes a little humorous or self-deprecating... I really take it seriously. I enjoy racking my brains, and if there's an epiphany in between, it's great. ”
After singing songs for nearly 20 years, she knows that when she sings, she will have some acting component. "Once I started performing, once it was 'Ren Jiaxuan Selina', I would have certain established patterns. But I'm not a writer, and I don't have that baggage when I write. ”
Expressing it in words, do you worry about revealing private and secret thoughts consciously or unconsciously? She shook her head and said she wasn't afraid. "At this age, I will feel a little bit that I am actually fearless. I will be more relaxed than before⸺ either letting go or being more relaxed in the state of the whole person. Even if it is a very deadly emotion, a guilty heart, I think it is okay to let everyone know. I may have enough confidence that I can protect myself and I am safe. Fans often say that they will get a lot of "chicken soup for the soul" from Ren Jiaxuan, but in her opinion, sharing can also draw back the power of feedback and will be healed by it, "often you can say a thing, you will feel that it is not a thing." What can't be said and only wants to hide in the heart is truly terrible. ”
In her own experience, the bigger trouble is not knowing what is behind the distress. "I just feel particularly irritable, I feel that everything is not going well, and I can only be trapped in layer after layer of encounters." Her advice is to give yourself a little time, "If I don't love myself, who will love me?" So you love yourself and take care of your heart more than anyone else. ”
She's very good at a regular way, "Usually when I get home, the first thing I do is first calm down, think of a reason to make me unhappy, and then look for a reason." 」 Otherwise, the problem will be suspended in the air or will remain in the heart. She wants to be honest with herself and then understand herself step by step, "the unknown and not understanding are the most annoying."
The common sentiment of human beings is that anger and joy intersect, and sorrow and joy are mixed. Ren Jiaxuan knew that he did not need to play an eternally optimistic role, "just like you will not always see the sun hanging in the air, it will rise and fall, and it will be replaced by rain and snow and cloudy days." Pessimism and anger are normal emotions, and when I am able to share these emotions, I have more strength to face them, which is also a blessing for myself. ”
Soon the former Jiaxuan and her friends went to sing karaoke together, and the friends ordered her "young song", "Love My Qualifications", and she herself picked up the microphone and sang, "Wow, it feels completely different from before." She couldn't help but laugh, "I was thinking, 'Love my qualifications', did I know what it was like before?" ”
I told her about the S. H· E sang the advertising song, three young girls, and the harmony sounded like the crispness of a waffle on a summer afternoon. She also has some feelings, and now she will be more or less envious of her own clear, high and bright voice at that time, but after all the baptisms of the years, she cherishes the current voice and charm even more, as well as the ability to express it with her voice. "It may not be possible to say that there are unique skills now, but it is a record that represents me at this stage."
"In the past, singing was really based on a little talent. I am not a person who has learned to sing since I was a child and understands the knowledge of music theory, I like to sing, on the one hand, because I have a strong desire to perform since I was a child, and singing is also a kind of performance. She didn't know why she could sing, but she could sing when she opened her mouth, and she sang very well, "In fact, I don't understand anything." The producer sets you a key, and you figure out how to sing it to that pitch, and then sing it sweetly as required, or add a little bit of air tone or something like that. But you don't really understand the song, and you won't study the lyrics and tunes. ”
Along the way she met many producers, each of whom threw her many different things. "Some of them are singing teachers themselves, and when they sing, it's like they're in class. S· H· E The three people did not go through systematic vocal training before their debut, and at that time they were very young, mainly relying on listening to songs, and they would not study how the soundtrack was going on and what special effects were added later. ”
At that time, they often had to wait until the producers had finished editing and mixing, and when the finished product was completed, they could understand some of the reasons for "why they sang like this". "Fortunately, we are polite children, very well-behaved, and my parents' teaching has always believed what the teacher says and respected their suggestions." If the teacher is willing to teach us some sound skills, or use the expression of the sound, or the strength of the force, we will absorb a lot like a sponge. ”
S· H· E's first album, Girls' Dormitory, sold a record 750,000 copies in Asia, and the second album, Youth Co., Ltd., sold 1.6 million copies across Asia, and sales have only risen, with Super Star, released in 2003, selling 2.75 million copies. For Ren Jiaxuan now, these numbers have no concept, and these records have set off a boom in Asia, and when they are busy to the ground, singing has not become a pure job, she likes it or likes it.
A year or two after the throat problem, she gradually became able to accept the status quo and finally went to KTV with her friends. They were all acquaintances, and everyone encouraged her to sing, and she picked up the microphone without any psychological burden. "I mischievously lowered the pitch a bit, and sang some boys' songs, and found it very enjoyable." Unconsciously, she jumped over the original inner demon. She remembered that when she was unhappy before, she longed to record one or two sad songs that day, "you can let go of your emotions and change to a kind of sudden openness." It turned out that as long as she opened her mouth, the magic of singing to her could immediately return to her position.
Ren Jiaxuan admitted on social media that his voice has changed. Compared with the time when she returned to the public after the burn, she already had enough calm mentality to face various voices. She experienced a catastrophe of 54% burns all over her body, of which nearly 80% were burned three times, which can be described as a death escape, but some people still mock her for using her suffering as an increase in "being able to empathize with others and give kindness to others, far from all.
"There was a time when I was more sensitive. At that time, the injuries suffered by the fire had not yet recovered, I had not been able to stand up, the physical pain, the torture of rehabilitation, the fear of the future... I was terrified of what had happened to me. When she saw those malicious messages on the Internet, she was a little overwhelmed, "In fact, whether it is the kind of well-intentioned encouragement of fans or not, my acceptance will be very low and unbearable." Later, I thought, I was really stupid, at that time, my body and mind were already very fragile, why should I bear this? It's actually superfluous. ”
Up to now, Ren Jiaxuan can laugh at any evaluation, "Whether it is ridicule or sour words, I can now understand from their point of view, and I can look down on it." "Everyone sees her efforts to move forward and doesn't mind sharing the open-mindedness she's been through, but when asked again and again about those pains, does she have the pain of being stuck somewhere?"
"There was a time when I used to feel like this, and now I feel like I don't." Whether it was an old friend or a new friend, if she mentioned the details of the time when chatting, she felt that it was just a very ordinary topic. If they meet someone with a similar experience, they will have a feeling similar to the "reunion of veterans". "We used to laugh at those veterans, as if we would always talk about the things we did when we were soldiers, but now we're like them."
Thinking about it, she felt that she was indeed a "soldier" and had won a difficult life battle. "I'm not going to shy away from it or be embarrassed to talk about it. It is my record, but also a process that I am proud of, I am so brave, I am so bullish, not convinced? ”
Once on a talk show, the host and Ren Jiaxuan talked about the past of injury, and to her own surprise, she couldn't help but cry. "For an instant I was a little frightened, how could I cry? I obviously just wanted to share. But when I think about the state at that time and think of all the difficulties, I still have emotions. ”
I asked her if she had read Haruki Murakami's novel 1Q84, and entered a parallel world just because she was driving up the elevated road, heard a piece of music, and looked up at the moon. Why is all this happening to me? Has she ever had such doubts, has she also tried to escape from reality, thinking that she has just entered an illusory fork in life?
"I also have a question mark in my mind, at the worst, am I running away? I wish everything was fake, just my own fantasy, I hadn't experienced those pains, and I hadn't been so disappointed in myself. ”
But again and again, she dragged herself back to reality. "After experiencing these things, I found that my thinking was really dominated by reason, and I only wanted to recognize the side of reality. On the one hand, I wanted everything to be like a dream, but at the same time, I never felt like it was a dream. Assumptions like 'if time could be turned back' don't hold true for me. ”
After spending life and death, she did not open a cautious "health path" because of this, even if she knew that the day and night upside down life schedule was not so friendly to the body organs, she could not stand the "coolness" of free control of time. "I cherish my body, so I completely follow my own heart and do whatever I want. For example, if I want to eat this second, or do something that will make you happy, I will do it. Having gone through so many levels, I just want to spoil myself and be a little arrogant. ”
Her tolerance for herself presupposes prudence. "For example, if you know that you have to take an early flight tomorrow, don't go to bed until 5 a.m. today." Knowing that it will be very uncomfortable, we must first measure whether we can bear the consequences. She uses her diet to condition health, "I often cook my own meals. I can buy very luxurious ingredients and carefully adjust the flavors I like. Potato chips or instant noodles, who is not happy to eat? But your body will tell you it's uncomfortable. She has a bit of a gallstone problem and is particularly sensitive to greasy things, "When the carbs and flesh are balanced, I don't bloat, and people don't swell." This health is very happy, why don't I pursue it? ”
As an artist, as long as you appear in front of the screen, there will be people who will judge you. But she wants to be happy more than the role model of a public figure. "I used to be fat and skinny, and I used a very aggressive way to make myself lose weight quickly, but even if I look good in clothes, I'm not very happy." Now that she's 40, all she wants is the health of a 40-year-old, "No matter how I don't go back to being 18 years old, if the clothes are too tight, then change to another set, there is always a set you can wear!" 」 ”
Ren Jiaxuan likes to have the most real look in the photo. She also uses filters when posting photos online, but not to sharpen her chin or enlarge her eyes, mostly to adjust the color or change the angle. "The closer you get to the truth, the better, and I'm afraid the filter won't make me recognize myself." Lately, she's been receiving selfies from her mom every day, far more than ever. "Every one of her looks as if she's only 20 years old. I thought, if those filter apps make my mom so happy, then this wave is not just anxiety. ”
Now, she can always look at everything from a more positive perspective. She has experienced many "losses": she has lost her beauty and health because of fires, she has lost her original voice for inexplicable reasons, and in the past few years, she has experienced divorce and the death of her dog. But these have actually experienced a more optimistic Ren Jiaxuan, and also made her believe more in the infinity of love.
She would generously bless her ex-husband's new relationship and support him like a friend. "To be able to walk in this world, the people and things I meet are because of great fate. There are some people you can't go on together, but if this outcome is bound to come, then this brief meeting point is each other's fate. ”
After the death of Pinky, a dog who had been with him for more than ten years, Ren Jiaxuan wrote a song for it, and everyone thought that it would be "very good to cry", but it turned out that this was not the case at all. "I was in a lot of, very much pain when Pinky left. I raised it from a young age, there is no way to accept this result, and even feel that I will never love a dog again in this life, I only love it. But two years later, after the sharpest pain had subsided, she felt that this was not right.
"Pinky gave me so much joy and love, but I only remember the last part, which is so unfair and sorry for its existence." Thoughts should be beautiful, and it should be placed in the best place in your heart. The same is true of all people's fate, you used to be close day and night, intimate, even if one day you are separated, those beautiful moments are real, they have created you now little by little. ”
She loves her current state and pace. "Love gives me a lot of strength. The magic is that everyone can have a steady stream of love, and the money may be spent less and less, but love will not. For parents and children, for friends and lovers, you will not feel that 'love is too much, can not give more'. Love is fundamentally endless, it has no balance, because it is infinite, whether it is giving or receiving. If you can be a little softer, the world will be gentler with you. ”
Photography: Gu Yan
Interview, Author: Li Bingqing
Planning, co-ordination: warm small group
Makeup: Li Li
Hairstyle: Nate Peng
Costume styling: Ao Han
Styling Assistant: Shi Yue, Chun Sheng
Venue Acknowledgement: Hyatt Regency Shanghai Wujiaochang Hotel
New Media Editor: Neil
New Media Execution: Eva