Wen | Generation Lianhua
Recently moved, no time to write or time to chase drama.
Yesterday I was tired to the point of waist pain, lying there baking electricity, busy chasing a few episodes of "Dear Child".
Seeing the eighth episode at the moment, I was suddenly a little discouraged.
Ren Suxi plays the heroine Fang Yinuo, a professional teacher, who is weak and needs to be taken care of after giving birth to a daughter in October.
As a teacher, Fang Yinuo should know how to communicate when things happen. However, Fang Yinuo's communication style makes people very speechless.
She always preconceived notions about other people's intentions and lectured others in a critical tone.
What was originally a very simple thing was complicated by her.
As a result, chickens and dogs jump outside the house, and everyone is uncomfortable.
Marshall. Dr. Luxemburg, in his book Nonviolent Communication, says that criticism, accusation, abuse, categorization, comparison, and comment are all judgments.
Communicating in critical language and getting results in the end is often unsatisfactory.
Because of the judgmental language communication, it often makes the other party have a rebellious psychology. Even if it is accepted on the surface, the heart is unwilling.
Critical verbal communication is a manifestation of low emotional intelligence. Changing the way you communicate, without critical language, can achieve unexpected results.
Critical communication leads to absolute conclusions
After Fang Yinuo gave birth to a child, he hired a nanny because of his frail health.
The nanny is responsible for taking care of the baby, and the parenting knowledge used is also available for sale.
However, Fang Yinuo has his own parenting philosophy.
Fang Yinuo insisted on breastfeeding, and although the nanny held different opinions, she did not refute it.
One day, Fang Yinuo found that the nanny had used a bottle to brew milk powder, thinking that the nanny was feeding the child with milk powder, and he was angry at the time.
Fang Yinuo directly asked the nanny if you fed milk powder to the child.
The babysitter explained that she did not feed the child milk powder, but just made a bottle of milk powder for the child to smell, the purpose of which was to make the child fall asleep well.
As for the nanny's explanation, Fang Yinuo did not believe it at all.
Fang Yinuo did not see the facts with his own eyes, but according to his own judgment, he drew a conclusion about the incident, which made the nanny very aggrieved.
Without any basis, it is necessary to judge a thing, to implement it on a person, and to give an absolute conclusion. And the consequences of an absolutized conclusion can also wrongfully accuse a person.
Don't ask questions, too subjective to draw conclusions about the incident. As for the truth, it doesn't seem to matter. I hurt myself and wronged others.
In life, many people will often make such mistakes. Not observing each other's words and deeds and motivations, preconceived and directly concluding, this way of communication is very uncomfortable, and does not take into account the feelings of others.
In critical communication, there will be absolute conclusions, which cannot be doubted. If things are reversed, they will put themselves in embarrassment.
Critical communication, command produces reversal
Because of the poor communication, Fang Yinuo successfully drove away the nanny.
Fang Yinuo's husband Xiao Lu had to mobilize his mother to take care of Fang Yinuo.
The mother-in-law likes to smoke and play mahjong, afraid of taking care of the mother and losing her personal freedom, and does not want to come. The son begged for it, so he had to come.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along, and there are natural contradictions.
Fang Yinuo first asked the mother-in-law not to smoke, smoking is not good for babies.
The mother-in-law began to promise.
As a result, the mother-in-law was addicted to smoking outside, and others smoked cigarettes.
Fang Yinuo secretly smelled the smell of smoke on his mother-in-law's body, so he got angry and asked her husband Xiao Lu to question her mother-in-law.
Xiao Lu did not want to intensify the contradiction, so he began to fight with the thin mud, coaxing his daughter-in-law while coaxing his mother to prevent them from confronting each other.
However, Fang Yinuo's simple and rude command tone finally angered his mother-in-law.
When the mother-in-law returned with the baby, Fang Yinuo directly asked the mother-in-law whether she smoked, and the mother-in-law said that she smoked without concern.
A war of words and swords inevitably happened.
Commanding others will cause the other party to have a rebellious psychology, and things often develop in the opposite direction without achieving their own goals. If you want the other person to change, you should not communicate with a commanding tone.
In critical communication, the commanding tone gives people a condescending feeling, which will make the other party not want to obey, let alone change, and even in order to resist, and become more intense.
Critical communication, accusation ignores the problem
Fang Yinuo was weak after giving birth, and she insisted on breastfeeding, and had to get up in the middle of the night to feed the child.
And her husband Xiao Lu, because of the busy work during the day, went home and fell asleep, even if he pushed him away in the middle of the night, he would not wake up to help.
Fang Yinuo secretly shed tears.
Negative emotions piled up in the mind and finally exploded.
Fang Yinuo accused Xiao Lu of not understanding her and ignoring her feelings.
At first, Xiao Lu still duplicitously admitted that he was wrong, but the more accusations, Xiao Lu had some psychological imbalance.
Xiao Lu believes that he accompanies customers every day, drinks and pulls relationships, but also to earn money to support his family, and he is naturally unhappy to be accused.
In fact, Fang Yinuo's requirements for Xiao Lu are not high, she just hopes that Xiao Lu can spend more time with herself and her children, as for the economy, she does not have too high requirements.
Xiao Lu, on the other hand, wants to earn more money and let his wife and children live a good life.
In order to live a good life, Xiao Lu worked hard.
Fang Yinuo's accusations have intensified the contradictions between the two.
Every day after work, Xiao Lu would rather sit in the car and listen to music than return home. Because back at home, he needs to face Fang Yinuo's accusations.
The essence of accusation is that when we are unhappy, the first thing that comes to mind is what is wrong with the other party, without clarifying our own needs.
In critical communication, blame only confuses the real problem, and the problem is not solved, but the responsibility is pushed to the other party. Such a way of communication will only exacerbate the contradiction and ignore their real needs.
Good communication is about solving problems and making life better.
And critical communication such as criticism, accusation, absolutization, and command, not only failed to add icing on the cake to life, but also made the contradiction more intense, and ultimately ruined your life.
In the process of communication, instead of absolutely drawing conclusions and letting your tongue preempt thinking, it is better to observe carefully and then be targeted, which will be more acceptable.
Instead of commanding, it is better to request. After all, getting the other person to obey and be too tough won't work.
Instead of accusations, it is better to clarify their feelings, let the other party understand their intentions, and eliminate the contradiction in the bud, and the relationship will become more and more harmonious.
Critical communication is a manifestation of low emotional intelligence. And people with high emotional intelligence will talk well to communicate.