On March 18, 2012, the girl nicknamed "Walking Rice" updated a dynamic on Weibo that was regularly sent out through the "time machine".
"I have depression, so I go to S one S, there is no important reason, people don't have to care about my departure." Bye bye. ”
The day before, the post-90s female college student had committed suicide due to depression.
Ten years have passed, and the last Microblog she left for this world has become a "tree hole" for many people to talk about their hearts. By the time the platform shut down the microblog, the retweet rate exceeded 100,000, and more than 1 million people left messages in the comment area. These messages are about schooling, job hunting, and more are accusations against the original family and parents.
Some experts have analyzed the message and found that the crowd is composed of "about 20%-30%" and depression and other mental illness patients, who quickly reached a resonance under this weibo, and only then unveiled the "secret truth" of so many families.
Maybe you will say, these are children, they have not grown up yet! No big deal to moan without illness. If the child is really in such a bad condition, will the parents sit idly by?
There is also a similar fire emotional topic in Zhihu, "Why do many Chinese not take their children's depression seriously?" More than 7 million views.
Someone below says that because for many "Chinese parents", acknowledging that their child is sick will break their all-powerful narcissism.
"Eat and drink well every day, don't let me do any housework, and now you say you're sick?"
"This disease is very good, no need to study, no need to go to school, fool who?"
"Can't learn to go into it uncomfortable to think of yourself? Who to scare! ”
Many people will think that children are treasures and the hope of the whole family. I grew up with careful care, I was originally good, you said that when you were sick, you were sick?
In fact, it is not that Chinese parents do not treat their children's depression well. They can't even "hear" the basic demands of their children.
For example, let the child drink soup, the child said hot. Many people will naturally say, what is hot, not hot at all! Drink it soon! Grind as soon as you eat!
Or the elderly let the child wear a down jacket, and the child says it is hot. The old man said, how cold it is today, hurry up and put it on, don't get cold!
Conversations like these are something that many people are accustomed to. Parents will say that there is nothing, and they have come this way since they were young.
But change the perspective, what do you think when you hear your parents talking to you like this?
Will you be grateful for the thoughtfulness of your parents? I still feel uncomfortable: how come my parents don't understand me and have no respect for my feelings.
Over time, our trust in our parents will also decrease. Slowly, I didn't want to say anything to my parents.
What's even more frightening is that in this way of communication, we doubt our own judgment and ignore our real needs.
I feel that adults are naturally right, and my feelings are not right, it is my own problem.
Will put the opinions of others first, fall into the black hole of self-struggle and entanglement, and even suffer from depression.
Of course, we can't say that parents did it on purpose. They want their children to be well, and of course they expect their children to live according to their own ideas and take fewer detours.
Therefore, in the face of children's "negative feedback", parents will subconsciously use defense mechanisms to deny:
"You're not, you're not, you're wrong!"
Just like the example above, when a child says soup is hot, the parents will react instinctively:
You have to drink it, it's nutritious! You have to admit that it's not hot!
So, your parents deny your "hot feelings" and think that your feelings don't exist.
Because once admitted, the omnipotent narcissism of the parents is broken: because the child is right, does not think that he is wrong!
As soon as the condescending feeling comes out, the end of the parent-child relationship is a complete failure.
In such a family, parents are creating a "fake" parent-child relationship because you can't get an emotional connection between you and your child.
In contrast, there is a healthy and positive parent-child relationship, which is also the basis for us to build a secure attachment relationship.
Professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine, Chief Psychokinesis Specialist - Jon M. G. Allen's book Trauma and Attachment: Developing Mentalization in Attachment Trauma Therapy divides attachment into three types: secure attachment, paradoxical-confrontational attachment, and avoidant attachment.
He stressed:
"Attachment relationships shape the way the self works, and the way others work. Most importantly, a loved child will feel cute and a child who is cared for will feel worthy. Therefore, it is not surprising that children with secure attachment show high levels of self-esteem. ”
For example, why do some young children still have fun when their parents are away for a short time? Not because they have a big nerve, but because when they interact in their daily lives, their parents will give warm hugs, intimate interactions and feedback in time.
This precious sense of security allows children to explore the world more boldly.
It's also the greatest benefit of secure attachment for childhood.
After adulthood, attachment patterns can directly affect your relationships because "adult attachment patterns bear striking resemblance to basic attachment patterns in childhood." ”
Insecure attachments stay with us for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean we can't change it.
If you're an adult, how do you get rid of the effects of insecure attachment?
Trauma and Attachment: Developing Mentalization in attachment trauma therapy proposes 2 approaches:
First, mentalization.
In layman's terms, mentalization is the process of consciously becoming aware of your unconscious thoughts.
Jung once said that the subconscious mind is manipulating your life, but you call it destiny. If you always fall in love with the same kind of "scumbags", or always care for others. Then remind you to look deeply into your own heart, reflect on yourself and read deeply.
Second, seek professional help.
Ballby (1988) proposes that the essence of psychotherapy is an attachment relationship. If you're stuck in depression or other "emotional black holes" that can't get out, you might want to seek help from a professional, reliable counselor.
Write at the end:
If you want to be the "right" parent and give your child "the right" love, it is not enough to have material and enthusiasm.
The most critical thing is to get rid of the narcissism brought about by the identity of parents, live a new script, and break the intergenerational inheritance brought about by the original family.