Wen | Zhao Xiaoli
01
Recently, I heard my former colleague Xiaoya (pseudonym) say such a thing.
Xiao Ya knew a friend, and for the convenience of narration, let's call it Xiao Lu (pseudonym).
Xiao Lu and Xiao Ya said that they did not expect that they would be "blessed" because of this epidemic: it turned out that Xiao Lu's husband had a little three before, it was said that this little three looked very good, when Xiao Lu heard about it, she was accused of "suspiciousness" by her husband, she also tried to cry, but there is no doubt that in front of a husband who no longer loves you, all your grievances and tears will be interpreted as "unreasonable trouble".
Xiao Lu has thought of divorce more than once, but first, she has no evidence in her hands, second, she still has two children, and third, she has no source of income... Xiao Lu worries that if her marriage breaks down, she is reluctant to have children, but with her children she is worried that she will not be able to give her children a good life; if the children are awarded to her husband, she is worried about whether her husband will abuse her children if she marries Xiaosan into the door.
So weigh it up and weigh it up, although she heard the news that her husband had Xiao San outside, after several times of making trouble without results, she could only "turn a blind eye", thinking that as long as Xiao San did not ambitiously "seek a position", spending her husband's money would be endured, as long as her and her children's lives were not affected - maybe her husband was tired of playing, and it was not impossible that she could "turn back" in the future.
Who would have thought that this little three was actually repelled by an epidemic!
It turned out that Xiao San ran to play in other places some time ago, unfortunately, it was not long before this place was found to have several cases of asymptomatic infection, Xiao San was isolated for a week or two, and when he came back, the itinerary code was marked with an asterisk, so he was isolated again...
Of course, what caused Xiaolu's husband and Xiaosan to break up was not only the time and space of isolation, but during the entire isolation period, Xiaolu's husband never appeared, not to mention accompanying Xiaosan to shop and buy as before.
Xiao Lu's husband also has his own little abacus: during such a sensitive period, if he is unfortunately recruited because he went to visit Xiao San, the power of big data will make your whereabouts unobstructed, and then not only will he confirm the fact that he cheated in marriage, but also expose Xiao San's residence... So from beginning to end, Xiaolu's husband basically adopted a "don't listen to and don't ask" attitude towards Xiaosan, and occasionally Xiaosan called, and Xiaolu's husband would also find various excuses to refuse, and finally he was impatient, and even directly shut down.
It is conceivable that Xiao San and Xiao Lu's husband eventually broke up.
The story is far from over.
02
Xiao Lu gradually found that her husband was coming home earlier and earlier, and the phone was getting less and less... She guessed if her husband and lover had a fight....... However, she did not ask questions, after all, if the two really broke up, the husband could also accept it, which was undoubtedly a good thing for Xiao Lu and the child.
But things were not as simple as Xiao Lu imagined.
Since her husband "accepted" his heart at home, he would complain to Xiaolu from time to time and even lose his temper, saying that he had paid a lot for this family... Then he also complained about Xiao Lu, who knew all day long to spend his money at home, the meals were also average, And Dabao's grades were not ideal, and so on.
A few times, Xiao Lu really wanted to pick a pick and not to do it, and she wanted to roar a little more: "There is a kind of you come by yourself, love it, and divide it if you don't love it!" But whenever this thought flashed, she remembered that she had no source of income, and thought that two children could not live without a complete family, and whether she could win the custody of two children after divorce, and whether two children were abused by her stepmother... After all kinds of thoughts were tossed through Xiao Lu's mind, the courage she had gathered before suddenly leaked out and continued to swallow her breath.
"Alas, I thought that after the epidemic repelled Xiao San, Xiao Lu's life could improve, and now it seems that the problem may not be on Xiao San. In other words, if Xiao Lu and her husband do not appear between Xiao San, according to Xiao Lu's current personality and current situation, it is only superficially bright, and she will still be angry behind her back. Xiaoya said.
I have seen a deep opinion, that is, a woman's greatest confidence in marriage is still derived from the ability to divorce at any time; this ability is called "divorce power"!
03
What is force of divorce?
In layman's terms, it is the ability to kick away the scum partner, and it is also the ability of a person to change himself in the face of bad difficulties.
In general, there are two main factors that build the force of divorce.
The first is the spiritual factor.
For example, do you have a strong enough heart to resist your fear of the unknown new world, whether you can deal with all kinds of tearing and even malicious speculation in the process, whether you can resist the harm of former relatives becoming enemies in seconds, and whether you can resist the loneliness of being alone for a long time in the future?
The second is material factors.
For example, whether you have a certain financial strength to support various living expenses after your partner leaves, whether you have enough financial resources to pay for various expenses in the process of your child's growth, and so on.
If you have both of these things and are still good, congratulations, you are the one with strong "divorce power" – in other words, you can divorce at any time, and divorce will not do much damage and impact on your future life.
If your answer is no, then you may have to subconsciously cultivate your "divorce power".
Take Xiao Lu in the story.
Whether it is her husband cheating before or her husband's various accusations and complaints about her now, Xiaolu has always been "resigned", one is related to Xiaolu's weak and cowardly personality, and the other is related to her own self-abandonment over the years and has no source of income.
These two points complement each other and affect each other: because of the weakness and cowardice in her heart, XiaoLu has always been unable to persuade herself to get out of the "comfort zone" and try to find a job within her ability, so there has been no source of income; because there has been no source of income, Xiao Lu can only "rely on people's sniffles" in family life, and can only "accept it" against her husband's cheating and even insults, without any power to fight back!
04
So, for many women who enter marriage and do not want to repeat the mistakes of Xiaolu and many women who are about to enter marriage, how can we ensure their divorce power and make themselves less passive in future marriages?
1. Independent sources of income are important.
The so-called "economic base determines the superstructure", if a person cannot be economically independent, then "spiritual independence" is an empty phrase!
Over the years of consulting, I have met many women, some because of their own lazy thoughts (think that married can finally not have to work, rely on their husbands to eat and drink worry-free), some are not clearly considered before marriage (such as when to have children, how many children, etc.), and some are in the man's sweet words of the offensive and under the pressure of the in-laws to make compromises and concessions... In short, many of them do not make their work and even their career development a top priority, but naively think that as long as they get married and become a family, it is as if work is a man's business.
This kind of thinking and cognition undoubtedly lays hidden dangers for the future life of the people!
In fact, the person you think you can entrust for life may betray you at any time, and the person who once spoiled you and loved you may leave you at any time - the thoughts and behaviors of pinning your future happiness on others or the outside world are hidden with huge risks and variables!
And only your own ability is to follow you for a lifetime; your ability to make money is a more reliable source of confidence than others.
Therefore, whether it is before or after marriage, it is very necessary for women to do their own career and even income planning.
2, any relationship, including family relationships, also has a "snobbish" side.
Many women believe that family relationships should be unconditional love and giving; but the reality is, how many families can really do it?
Most of the time, whoever makes the most money in the family has more say.
I have some female friends around me, they make more money than their husbands, in the family, their mother-in-law helps to do housework with children without complaint, but also especially able to understand the hardships and difficulties of daughters-in-law.
No way, in the adult world, material reward is the externalization of personal value — you say how much you pay for this home, no one may understand; but how much money you can make each month, this is really visible.
In reality, many women have overly idealized expectations for family relationships: they feel that after getting married, the in-laws should take care of themselves like their parents and accommodate themselves, and in reality, after the beating of life, they find that for the "family" who is not related to you, it is lucky to understand that you are lucky, and it is normal not to understand you.
Therefore, giving up the illusion of marriage and even family is more conducive to facing various changes and challenges encountered in reality.
3. Stay sober and vigilant at all times.
There is also a category of women who are the most emotional, that is, they are married very well at the beginning, but slowly, this comfortable life has polished off their fighting spirit and courage, and they are willing to live this kind of life of being "wrapped up", and once the change occurs, they have no ability to resist!
Therefore, the more comfortable we are, the more we must remain vigilant, because this comfort may only be temporary, even if your husband is very capable of making money, it is not allowed to change the market environment, and it is not allowed to ensure that the other party will never change its mind, and it is not certain that the other party will not have an accident...
So even in the best of life, be prepared for and prepare for the worst.
"The problem of many people is that they attach too much importance to ambition, and the whole is repeatedly entangled in ideals and dreams but does not land, and does not pay attention to their own skills." So it all became an illusion. Ambition is important, but ability is more important. To learn, to practice, you can grow. Don't always think about it, get up and do something. --Ah Xiu
About author:Zhao Xiaoli, senior career planner, national psychological counselor, workplace writer, founder of Liyu career. He is the author of "Stop Blind Effort: Your Life Needs to Be Redesigned", "From Minimalism to Extreme: Be a Great Person in the Field of Excellence", etc., and the new book "Ability Breakthrough: The Underlying Logic and Method of Accelerating Growth in the Workplace" in 2021 continues to sell well.
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