Wen | Zhu Shengyong
I saw a reader asking questions backstage, the lover was provocative, and the husband also ridiculed her, and she was distressed and did not know what to do. Today I'll answer her question.
Readers' Questions:
My husband's lover provoked me many times, calling me "Fat aunt, your husband said that your waist is thicker than a bucket, stupid and stupid, and you will believe it when you go on a business trip." "I called my husband, turned it off, and instantly felt ridiculous.
My husband and I are college classmates, got married about a year after graduation, had a daughter, and after giving birth, I gained more than 30 pounds and have not lost weight. He often said that I was like a wet market aunt, dirty, with a thick waist and 8 months pregnant. These words he laughed at, I have always thought of as a joke between husband and wife, it turns out that these are his real thoughts.
After my husband came back, I asked him with a picture, and he also said, "You look in the mirror yourself to see what you are like, I will play with her, don't divorce, you don't care about me." "I slapped him and took my daughter to my girlfriend's house, and for days he didn't contact me.
My mother-in-law called me to persuade me to go home, and apologized to me, saying that she did not take care of the children, and she must let my husband give me an explanation. After a week, my husband came to my girlfriend's house to find me, brought his own commitment letter, called the woman in front of me and said that she would never contact me again, and I was willing to give him a chance to take my daughter home.
But the woman also sent a message to harass me, saying that she would definitely make my husband change his mind, and his husband asked me not to pay attention to her. I still suspect that they are not completely disconnected, what should I do to deal with it is the best?
Zhu Shengyong answered:
1, no pressure, extramarital affairs will not be resolved.
Whether they can completely disconnect depends on whether the wife has given pressure, and the extramarital affair will not end without pressure.
Moreover, easy forgiveness can also easily lead to betrayal again, and there are three stages of breaking up, conscious breakup, physical separation, attachment stripping, only after experiencing these three stages, is the real disconnection.
Extramarital affairs are also a kind of love, separation will also have pull, repeated is normal, the husband called in person to say that he would never contact again, it is likely that it is just a countermeasure for them to discuss.
After a man really breaks up with his lover, he will make his mobile phone public, his itinerary open, and his economy open, and you will see if he has done this.
2. Correctly view the marriage crisis and firmly save the attitude of marriage.
The man who derailed did not want a divorce, this betrayal was only to satisfy his needs and satisfy his lack of marriage.
You have been married for many years, resulting in burnout, marriage to a flat period, but also a period when the husband is prone to cheating, derailment is not the wife is not bad, but for so many years, the married life experience is bad, the marriage has appeared lack and expectations, and the wife has not found.
For example, he is laughing at you like the big aunt of the vegetable farm, which is one of his needs, he may want his wife to be bright and beautiful, to make him feel fresh, to have passion, to make him feel that life is not so boring, and you are only joking, not to find out in time and not aware, which is one of the reasons for his extramarital affair.
After having children, have you put all your energy on your children and family and neglected your husband's needs? My husband felt left out, so he went outside looking for warmth.
There is also the fact that the husband pays too little in marriage, the less likely he is to be bound by marriage.
3. Sort out the marriage and evaluate the quality of the marriage.
You need to rationally sort out your married life and contradictions and conflicts to see what problems in the marriage have not been solved or cannot be solved, resulting in a crisis in the marriage.
It is also necessary to find out what is the driving force of the husband's extramarital affair, that is, to find the root cause of the extramarital affair, and then make adjustments and solutions. Most of them are because of the problems in the marriage, which leads to the occurrence of extramarital affairs, so it is necessary to find the problems in the marriage and solve them together.
4, you and your husband are college classmates, from the campus to the wedding dress, repaired into positive results, indicating that you have a good emotional foundation. The first thing you think about when you find your husband cheating is to forgive, and you can see this, and you don't want to divorce in the past.
You're going to go to war with his extramarital affair, war with your past self, war with this unfaithful man.
5. Go to war firmly.
You are now in the first stage of managing an affair, asking your husband to break up with his lover. At this stage you can do these few things:
(1) When dealing with the matter of deviance, it is necessary to isolate children and the elderly, and the fewer people involved, the more conducive it is to solve. The mother-in-law intervenes to let the husband take you back, although the husband is oppressed, although he does it, but the psychology is uncomfortable, it is forced, it may lead to his yang and yin violation, and even have emotions for you.
(2) Talk with the husband as a husband and wife, ask the husband to break up with the woman outside, and return to the marriage to face and solve the problems of the marriage together.
(3) Talk to your husband about your past love years, your emotional foundation is very good, and your marriage is very valuable.
(4) You can also talk about your husband's feelings in marriage, his thoughts, and what his dissatisfaction is, and then make adjustments later.
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of the School of Marriage Management, author of the best-selling book "Governance of Extramarital Affairs"
If you have been betrayed by your husband, run away from home, do not know how to deal with it, and want to seek help, please send me a private message, I will reply to you.
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