People's hearts are very fragile, and when we encounter things that we can't face, it is easy to fall into a state of emotional collapse. People are also very strong inside, and we will activate various defense mechanisms to protect ourselves in difficult predicaments.
Behind the defense, there is an unknown self
These psychological defense mechanisms learned from childhood have protected our hearts, but they are destroying intimate relationships at an inopportune time.
I don't know if there are such people around you, who always like to tell you a lot of correct truths. They all seem to be right, but you will feel as if there is a wall between you, and you will ignore them more and more.
And behind their reasoning, what exactly are they defending?
Always reasonable, easy to love incompetent
A girl sent an email complaining that her boyfriend was too reasonable.
With the boyfriend for three years, the boyfriend will always be reasonable, whether it is his own emotions, or the boyfriend's temper, as soon as he encounters a problem, the boyfriend begins to barabala reasoning.
Every time she encounters a different opinion on something, the boyfriend begins to say how she is wrong, how to do it, and then she can pull out some historical figures to quote. She said that sometimes she is just a little emotion, such as a conflict with her family, or a bad job, that is, complaining a few words, wanting to have someone to comfort her, coaxing and hugging nothing. However, the boyfriend is always a serious reasoning, analyzing the right and wrong of things.
Because what the boyfriend said seems to be right, so he has a nameless fire and does not know where to send it. Later, I didn't want to listen to my boyfriend at all, either arguing or being cold.
It's really annoying to meet a reasonable Lord. When you just want a hug, he is just talking to you, the other party is always like this, how to understand this uncommunicable emotion?
How to understand, let's first tell a story of washing children's hair:
A friend said that for a while, her daughter did not like to wash her hair. Before washing her daughter's hair, her daughter was not so repulsive, why did she become less and less fond of washing her hair?
Later, she found out that it turned out that the grandmother would ask the child's opinion, such as asking the child whether to wash his hair. It would have been nice to respect the wishes of the child, but Grandma's approach was hypocritical.
Every time, grandma would ask the child at some point in the evening if she wanted to wash her hair.
Children are playful by nature and don't want to wash their hair, or more accurately, they don't want to wash their hair when he's having fun.
However, when the child replied no, the grandmother began to lobby the child, not washing the hair will be dirty and smelly, not washing the hair will have bacteria, not washing the hair will be easy to attract mosquitoes...
A whole bunch of truths, turned over and over to say to the child, and in fact it is to express a meaning: when I ask you to wash your hair, you have to wash your hair.
Later, this friend really couldn't stand it. She believes that if you feel that the child needs to wash his hair, it is necessary to wash his hair, then directly tell the child that he needs to wash his hair today, rather than asking the child if he wants it or not, and then using a lot of correct reasoning to make the child speechless.
The child has no way to communicate because Grandma is right. What to do? She only obeys, passively resists, passively attacks, and the form she shows is that she does not like to wash her hair more and more.
Grandma is not really asking the child whether she wants to wash her hair, but has assumed that the child will take the initiative to say that she wants to wash her hair, and Grandma is not asking the child's opinion, but hoping that the child will meet her ideas.
Many parents will also use some correct truths to force their children to take the right path as they think.
The benefits of doing so can greatly satisfy one's own thoughts and narcissism.
In intimate relationships, we also often pursue "I'm right"
A colleague shared an example:
It is said that there is a lady who has a very bad relationship with her husband, a long cold war, and there is almost no communication between husband and wife, and if there is a basic quarrel. As soon as the woman spoke to her husband, he avoided her and refused any communication.
Because the woman was not satisfied with her husband's income, she complained for a long time that the other party was not motivated. When the counselor tried to let the lady see that her complaints did not promote the progress of her husband's career, the woman said very confidently: But what I said is all right, how can he not understand?
Communicating with people who are too narcissistic, there is basically a situation where he is always right and reasonable, and you are always wrong to play temper.
The lady had built a super narcissistic wall between her and her husband, so her husband refused to communicate with her.
The grandmother who pretended to ask her granddaughter if she washed her hair, and because of her narcissism, the child did not like to wash her hair more and more.
Therefore, the boyfriend who loves to be too reasonable can't see his girlfriend's emotions and is afraid of seeing his girlfriend's emotions. He was afraid of seeing that he couldn't figure it out, he was afraid of seeing it and then he didn't do well enough, so he chose not to look, he chose to protect his narcissism from frustration, so he took out a lot of truth to tell the other party, where it is not good, how to do it....
Those who always say the right thing are not confident
They are afraid that they will make mistakes because being wrong means they are not good enough, which can devastate narcissism. Therefore, they need to use some big truths to disguise their truth and increase their self-confidence in intimate relationships.
It's an overly rationalized psychological defense mechanism that defends against shame and anger that comes from making mistakes.
But this kind of defense often limits the other party to an inexplicable and uncomfortable state, just like the girl who sent the email, often has a nameless anger, but there is nowhere to send. Because what the boyfriend said is so correct that there is no possibility of even fighting back, otherwise it will be said to be a sexual troublemaker.
There are also many reasonable parents who, in order to be right, cut off the path of emotional flow with their children. They are using over-realism, over-rationalization, to avoid emotion. There are only right and wrong, only factual analysis, only what to do and what not to do, and the emotions behind all this are ignored.
But as you make more sense, the wall between you and your partner and between your children gets thicker and thicker. As you get more and more right, maybe your intimacy is getting more and more wrong
Communication between people is more about emotion than truth
If your parents or partner often tell you the right reasoning, know that they are probably avoiding their inner emotions, and maybe they are also afraid, afraid that they are not doing well, afraid of not being able to face your emotions.
If you also often pursue the right truth in intimate relationships, you may wish to ask yourself what happens if you are wrong, whether you are afraid of facing mistakes or facing the shame and anger in your heart.
"A boyfriend who is always reasonable may force out a female ticket who is often emotional."
Always having the right parents can teach a very wrong child. ”
Don't cut off emotions for the sake of being right, and don't be afraid to face the truth and put the other person in the wrong place.
Many times, the truth is worthless in the face of embrace.
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