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Today is the day of reading notes again
Charlotte's treatment records:
At the age of twenty-five, he described feeling "anxious," although nothing major had happened in the past few months. She said she was "tired" of her work. Describe a lover who has difficulty getting along with his parents and has a busy social life but has never had a serious relationship. She said she would "have a few drinks" every night to relax herself.
[01] You will definitely kill me
"You're going to kill me." Charlotte walked leisurely into the treatment room as she spoke, and in the oversized recliner on the diagonal position to Lori's right, she settled herself unhurriedly, took a cushion and put it on her lap, and covered it with a blanket. She had never sat on the couch since the first time she came to therapy, but had used the chair as her throne.
Charlotte had heard this statement many times. If Charlotte had drunk too much in the previous week, she would have said to Lori at the beginning of the treatment, "You're going to want to kill me." If she hooks up with a guy and then regrets it (which happens so often), she'll also say, "You're going to want to kill me." Even once, because she was procrastinating and did not figure out which schools to choose from for graduate school, she missed the application deadline, and she also said, "You will want to kill me."
Lori had discussed it with her, and the reason she said this was a deep sense of shame behind it.
Lori knew that Charlotte was frowning at the lad in the waiting room again. The little brother—that's what Charlotte calls her ambiguous object, neither Lori nor Charlotte knows what the guy's name is, he's a visitor to Lori's colleague Mike, and he and Charlotte see the same number of times. A week later, the ambiguity continued. By the next week, the ambiguous drama in the waiting room had reached its climax. Charlotte told Lori she asked the little brother's name, but he replied, "I can't tell you." ”
Two weeks later, Charlotte walked into the clinic and brought the latest news: the little brother brought a girl with him for treatment. "Sure enough," Lori thought to herself, "a person who is not single. It was exactly the "type" that Charlotte liked. Every time Charlotte mentioned the little brother, she described it this way: "It's too much for my type." ”
What most people call "type" is a feeling of attraction. It could be a type of appearance that attracts them, or it can be a type of personality. But behind this type is a sense of familiarity. If the parents are irritable people, they often end up choosing an irritable partner; people whose parents have problems with alcoholism are often attracted to the other half who loves to drink; if a person's parents are withdrawn or picky, then he is likely to marry a lonely or picky object.
Because it gives them a familiar feeling, like coming home, but it makes it hard to tell what they want as an adult and what they remember as a child. They are irresistibly attracted to some of those people's traits, even if those traits have appeared in their parents and caused harm to their childhood.
What Freud called "compulsive repetition" — the subconscious of man fantasizing: perhaps this time I could go back in time and heal the wounds of a long time ago by coming into contact with someone new but feeling familiar. But the only problem is that by choosing objects that feel familiar, people will get the opposite result: old wounds will be reopened, and people will only become less confident and feel unworthy of love.
Charlotte's Subconscious: She says she wants to find a reliable boyfriend who can be intimate, but every time she meets her "type," it definitely brings confusion and frustration.
Psychotherapist Terry Lear interprets this conformist behavior as "we internalize our original family as a recurring theme in our relationships."
[02] The problem of addiction
When Charlotte first came to treat depression and anxiety, she didn't think she had an addiction problem. She insisted that she was just "drinking two glasses" of red wine a night to help herself "relax." In fact, Charlotte drinks an average of three-quarters of a bottle of wine every night, sometimes with a cocktail (or two) first. She often couldn't remember the situation and the details the day after she finished drinking.
Even so, there's nothing special about her insistence that her "social drinking" is.
When Lori pointed out that Charlotte's falling here was a sign that she didn't want to leave therapy, she would say, "Look, I'm just addicted to therapy."
For someone like Charlotte who craves connections with others but tries to avoid being close, psychotherapy is the perfect setting. The relationship between the therapist and the client is the perfect combination of intimacy and estrangement: she can get close to me, but not too close, because at the end of the treatment, she has to go home whether she wants to or not.
Every week, when Lori signaled that the treatment time was coming to an end, Charlotte would let out a particularly exaggerated sigh and exclaim, "Really? Are you sure? When Lori got up to open the door, she began to very slowly pack up the items she had placed around her: sunglasses, cell phones, kettles, hair rings, put them away the same way, and often left something behind and came back in two days to get them.
For Charlotte, putting Lori in her heart doesn't seem to create a settled bond, but more like a loss of control. In response to this fear, she interrupted treatment twice, but eventually returned. She was always struggling and wanted to stay away from what she called a "placebo." Every time, she didn't quit. Charlotte explains to Lori that she must quit psychotherapy once and for all. But drink as usual.
"Perhaps, my problem is not dependence on psychotherapy, but dependence on alcohol." It was the first time she had said that. But a year later, when she met the little brother, she was still drinking.
[03] No child really wants to be in charge of the family early
Charlotte was late today because she was hit by a car as she pulled it out of the parking lot. Although it was only a small bump and no one was injured, Charlotte said that the impact caused the hot coffee in the cup holder to spill on her laptop, which contained her lecture report for tomorrow's meeting, and she did not have a separate backup of the document. She asked: Do you think I should explain this accident to my colleagues? Or should I rush to work overnight to get the documents back in order? I hope to get this done, I don't want others to think I'm unreliable.
Charlotte accidentally hits a dumbbell on her toe in the gym. The bruises were getting worse and worse, and they still hurt. She asked: Do you think I should go and take an X-ray?
Earlier, one of her most beloved professors at the university had accidentally died in an accident during a camping trip. At that time, Charlotte asked: Do you think that even if you make the boss angry, I should still fly to the funeral?
Gradually, Lori realized that they were not doing any treatment at all. She and Charlotte are too busy focusing on one external disaster after another, ignoring the real problem in Charlotte's life: the inner crisis.
Sometimes, "adding drama to ourselves" can be a way of self-healing, whether it is a bitter love drama or not, it can make us not face the crisis that is brewing in our hearts, and let ourselves deceive ourselves to get a moment of peace.
Everybody has this struggle in their hearts to some extent: Do I want to be a child or an adult? Do I want to be safe or free? Every choice people make in the continuous changes of their lives is based on two factors: fear and love. All the therapist has to do is try to teach you how to distinguish between the two.
Charlotte usually rarely exudes true affection, her face is her mask, and her words are usually just pastime. It's not that she's hiding her feelings, it's that she can't touch them. She doesn't understand her feelings, or can't express them in words. She would tell me in a dull tone how her boss had praised her, and Lori needed to dig deeper and deeper to taste a sense of pride.
Emotional blindness like this one has a proper name — "narrative disorder."
Watching Charlotte cry, Lori not only understood her pain, but also understood the reason why she had been forcing Lori to make decisions for her: Charlotte's mother was immersed in depression, always drunk at late-night parties, and fell asleep when she came home; her father was often away from home because of "business trips"; her parents' lives were a mess, and the two would argue and curse each other brazenly, sometimes so loud that even neighbors complained. So Charlotte was forced to start playing the role of an adult early, like an unlicensed driver who was not old enough to control the steering wheel of her life. She rarely saw her parents live like adults like her friends' parents.
She can only find answers to the problems she encounters in life. She had to take care of herself and her brother at the same time.
However, no child really wants to be in charge early. That's why Charlotte wants Lori to take on the role of her mother for a while. In order for Lori to be able to play the role of the strong, Charlotte believes that she must portray herself as a helpless weak person.
Clients often do this to make sure the therapist doesn't forget how much pain they have —even if they occasionally mention something positive.
Charlotte's action is to silently shout: "There is a problem here, there is a problem there, come and pay attention to me!" Can you hear me? ”
【04】What do you think?
Charlotte asks Lori how to deal with the little brother in the waiting room. Charlotte hadn't seen him for weeks, and the guy always came with his girlfriend for treatment, but today he came alone. A few minutes earlier, in the waiting room, he had sent Charlotte an invitation to a date, at least charlotte thought it was an invitation to date. He asked Charlotte if she wanted to "hang out together" tonight, and she agreed.
Charlotte began to ask Lori questions again: Do you think it would be an unwise decision to agree to go out with him?
Lori: What do you think about yourself?
CHARLOTTE: I can't say for sure. I'm afraid he doesn't like me in reality, or that he's just a spare tire after he's lost love. Maybe I'm also afraid he'll screw things up because he and his girlfriend aren't going well in the first place. I mean, otherwise how could they have come together for treatment, right?
(Charlotte began to fidget and play with the sunglasses she had placed on the arm of her chair.)
Charlotte: Or maybe he's still with his girlfriend, it's just an offer between friends, and I'm going to be wrong. So what to do, I will have to see him in the waiting room every week.
Lori told Charlotte that she spoke of the little brother and reminded herself of how she had described her communication with her parents before, not as a child, but as an adult, her psychological state in the face of her parents.
When the treatment time was almost over, Charlotte ended with her ritual: she walked slowly toward the door, but stopped at the door again, and she would often stop and ask Lori a question, or say to Lori what she could have said during the treatment. She and John would do the same, and the therapists usually referred to the act as "confessions at the doorknob."
But this time, Charlotte didn't say anything special. But in the end, she said, "Where did you buy this top?" ”
This sounds like an extremely simple question. Instead of worrying that she would dress up exactly like herself, Lori intuitively told loli that she was asking because she wanted to buy this top and wear it on to go on a date with the little guy—the date she decided not to go. Lori told her the name of the shop anyway.
"Really nice-looking," she said with a smile, "see you next week." So she turned and left, and at the moment when their eyes were about to meet, she avoided Lori's sight. They all knew in their hearts what was going to happen next.
【05】How did Charlotte make a change?
In the 1980s, a psychologist named James Protszca proposed the "Behavioral Transition Stage Pattern" (TTM) theory. Studies have shown that people usually do not "do it" as Nike advertising slogans say, or like setting New Year's goals, but prefer to achieve change through a continuous phased process: the unprepared stage - the hesitation stage - the preparation stage - the action stage - the maintenance stage
Unprepared: Before you get to the point, you're in the first stage— the unprepared phase, which means you don't want to change at all. When Charlotte first came to therapy, she described herself as someone who drank only when socializing. When she recounted how her mother had paralyzed herself with alcohol, she didn't relate it to her own drinking problems.
Hesitant stage: The hesitant stage is full of contradictory emotions. For Charlotte, although she was upset about her drunk driving behavior and was forced to join an alcohol cessation support group, she was reluctant to go. It wasn't until she had to pay a fee to hire a lawyer to apply for an extension because she couldn't attend the course at the allotted time that she was really ready to take concrete action on her drinking.
Preparation: Charlotte talks about her attempting to "reduce" her alcohol consumption, when she does drink less, and she also consults articles online about alcohol addiction, which indicates that she is already in the preparation stage. For Charlotte, it was hard for her to make concessions in the long struggle with her parents, and she subconsciously tied a pact in her mind that if her parents didn't change their habits, she wouldn't change hers — a conjecture agreement that wouldn't benefit either side. In fact, her relationship with her parents will only change if she can make some changes.
Stage of Action: Two months later, Charlotte walked briskly into Lori's office, pulled out the contents of her bag one by one, placed them on the armrest of her throne, and said to Lori, "I have a problem." She asked Lori if she knew what a good alcohol abstinence clinic was—she had finally entered the fourth stage, the action phase. During the action phase, Charlotte dutifully spends three evenings a week in the Abstinence Support Group to fill her usual drinking time. She quit drinking completely.
Maintenance phase: This means that the parties have to maintain the changed results for a considerable period of time, but this does not mean that there will be no regression. This stage will be difficult because the behavior people want to change is actually deeply embedded in the fabric of their lives, and people with addiction problems are prone to being with other people with addiction problems. Without the influence of red wine and vodka, Charlotte is more likely to concentrate, her memory is better, she feels less tired and more motivated. She applied to graduate school and joined a charity to contribute to the animals she loved. She also finally talked to Lori for the first time about the stalemate relationship with her mother and began to try to communicate with her mother in a calmer and gentler way.
But Charlotte always had an addiction that she couldn't get rid of: the little brother.
[06] Return to the right path on her own, driving to the place she really yearns for
Charlotte's eyes were red when she came today. She found out on social networks that the guy was with the so-called ex-girlfriend again. Every relationship is like a double dance. The little brother had his own rhythm of dance steps (first approaching, then retreating), and Charlotte also had his own steps (first approaching, then hurting), which is how they danced this dance.
But once Charlotte changes her dance steps, the following will happen: the brother must also change his dance steps, otherwise he will be tripped and wrestled; or he will have to leave the scene and find another dance partner to step on someone else's feet. Charlotte didn't like the dance style of the duo, so she decided to take a different dance. She hadn't been dripping wine since that day.
Charlotte once told Lori about her fantasies about being a beekeeper, and the implication was too fitting: the job of a beekeeper required her to wear a bee-proof suit from head to toe, so that she could control the creature that might have hurt her while ensuring that she would not be stung.
Charlotte: I decided before I came today, and I think I'm in pretty good shape right now. I still keep myself drunk, work well, fight with my mom less often, and I never see the guy again — I even blocked him on my phone. Will you be mad at me for this?
Lori: You know, and I agree with what you said, that there are a lot of positive changes happening in your life, and that's the result of your efforts. But at the same time, I think you still can't get close to others, which may be the result of some experience in your life, and you think that if you avoid talking about it, you may be able to convince yourself that things will turn around.
Lori: If you continue psychotherapy, you may not be able to have the illusion that you can change your childhood — but only by doing so can you create a better adult life.
Charlotte bowed her head and was silent for a long time, and then she said: I know.
Lori: You can do whatever you want, it doesn't matter if you're doing psychotherapy or not. You're pretending to be a cool girl, as if you don't have desire, no feelings, and you go with the flow – but in fact, you have feelings.
CHARLOTTE: Yeah, it sucks to be a cool girl. (She's never acknowledged this before.) She is slowly taking off her "bee-proof suit"). Does it feel bad?
Lori: Absolutely.
Charlotte's true metamorphosis has finally begun. She did not give up treatment. Instead, she persevered until she learned how to master the steering wheel on her own, to navigate the world more safely, to see the way forward and the road ahead. Although she still takes many detours, she can always get back on the right path on her own and drive to the place she really yearns for.
The notes related to this book are as follows:
Maybe you should talk to someone: you shouldn't be alone with those anxieties, regrets, and confusion
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: John's Story (1)
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: John's Story (2)
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: John's Story (3)