Opening illustration: Original
Public name | Red-eared rabbit sister
Tell stories and see life. Hello everyone, I am Miss Red-eared Rabbit, welcome to today's story.
1
The first time I confessed to Xu Yan, my whole voice was shaking.
Although this confession has been prepared for two full years.
Xu Yan was unexpectedly calm, looking like she had known for a long time.
I continued to ask her, "You see, can we do it?"
Xu Yan tilted her head to look at me, her eyes were full of playful joy, and she held out her left hand and gently held my hand.
A warm current rushed into my heart, and I gradually calmed down.
Overhead is a dark blue sky, the soles of your feet is a gray road, there are chattering human voices, and there are insects chirping in your ears.
I was suddenly very nostalgic for this human world, because there was Xu Yan here.
We held hands so quietly, and kept walking, all the way, as if there was no end to the road ahead.
I also hope there is no end.
2
Xu Yan is my hair small.
Our two families belong to the same street and often play together before school. After school, we happened to be in the same class, and we were more glued together.
However, Xu Yan's personality is much precocious than mine, because she has a mother who is super strict and super busy as a doctor.
At a very young age, Xu Yan learned to eat by herself, go to school by herself, and sleep by herself.
One might ask, what about her father?
Her father died in a car accident when she was very young, leaving her with nothing but yellowed and unfamiliar photographs.
The companionship of the opposite sex has been missing since she can remember.
It may be a precocious relationship, Xu Yan's grades have always been very good, and her study habits are good, so my mother is willing to leave me at her house to write homework together.
Xu Yan usually finishes her homework and then reads a book quietly for a while.
And I make a lot of noise, scratching my head and scratching my cheeks, jumping up and down the next.
Occasionally I can sit quietly in a chair, and that's because I'm "dissecting" an eraser.
When it was almost time for dinner, my mother ran to Xu Yan's door and shouted for me to go home.
Xu Yan usually continued to do her own business without raising her head, and I happily picked up my school bag and rushed out.
Sometimes I also ask if I want to come to my house for dinner.
Xu Yan would answer 100% calmly, no, my mother has already left me a meal.
In my memory, there was only one time, that day was Xu Yan's birthday, and I specially bought a birthday card for her.
At that time, they were all children and did not have the money to buy expensive gifts, but when Xu Yan took it, her eyes were shining.
When it was almost dark, my mother was calling out to me again.
Xu Yan suddenly said that in fact, it is also a kind of happiness to be shouted at to eat.
I listened, subconsciously looked back, and found Xu Yan standing behind her back, her face covered with her head bowed, and her shoulders shrugged.
At that moment the setting sun was completely extinguished by the last glimmer of light, and all around her, the hollow blackness, quickly encroached on the entire room.
It was a kind of loneliness that went deep into the bone marrow.
3
When I realized that I liked Xu Yan, I was a freshman in high school.
We had been with each other for almost twelve years.
They are already familiar with each other so that as long as the other person finishes the first half of the sentence, they can guess the second half of the sentence.
I also know all her likes and dislikes.
For example, the color likes white, walking likes to walk to the right, eating likes to mix the old dry mother, the skirt is always cotton, and the boy hates swearing.
She didn't like her mother's cold and frosty appearance, but subtly, she grew into her mother again.
Don't smile, be serious and old.
Of course, she also inherited her mother's beautiful facial features, and since elementary school, she has been watched by boys to whistle.
But she always glared at them fiercely, driving them away viciously.
Gradually, everyone called her Ice Beauty behind her back.
Therefore, to look beautiful is to be good, even if the temper is not good, it will only fall into the title of an ice beauty, not a tigress.
I also asked Xu Yan why she always looked bitter and vengeful towards the opposite sex.
Xu Yan thought about it and said, I don't know, I just hate their shallow ignorance in my heart.
But one day, Xu Yan was still discovered by me, and she was very close to a boy.
At that time, the first year of high school had just started, and there was a beautiful and white boy in the class who liked to talk to Xu Yan.
Xu Yan chatted with him for the first time in the world, and often came home from school together.
That's when the loss began.
At first, I told myself that it was just a normal reaction after being suddenly alienated by a good friend.
But gradually, I found myself anxious.
As long as Xu Yan talked to the boy, I couldn't help but want to get angry, wanted to shout, and wanted to escape from this classroom.
Later, it developed into insomnia all night, and as soon as I closed my eyes, Xu Yan's figure swirled in my mind.
I realized that I was not normal anymore.
So one day, I found a friend who had a good relationship to come out and chat, and told my friends about my feelings as a third person's story.
My friend told me to the point that that feeling was just liking.
My brain went blank in an instant.
I'm not unimagined for this result, but it's still a bit hard to accept when it's actually confirmed by others.
After asking my mother to help me take three days of sick leave, I slept at home with my head covered for three days and three nights, sleeping until my brain was so clear that I could not escape.
I finally faced this fact.
I fell in love with Xu Yan.
4
Admitting that you like Xu Yan is not a particularly difficult thing.
However, how to make Xu Yan understand her intentions has become another difficult problem.
But I didn't dare risk losing my friendship to confess.
So like all rotten crush stories, I buried my liking deep in my heart.
In the first semester of the third year of high school, one month Xu Yan's mother was very busy because of the job title rating, and she was often not at home, so she found an hourly worker aunt to come and cook.
I told my mother that I wanted to go to Xu Jiao's house to study, but I actually wanted to accompany her and rub rice by the way.
I found that Xu Yan really had a kind of obsession with eating.
She did not allow me to eat snacks before eating, and when I arrived at the meal point, she even forced me to eat, and there was a kind of old lady who felt that you were hungry and you were hungry.
Once I had a problem and went straight to the evening study without eating.
Halfway hungry and panicked.
Xu Yan was separated by several rows and handed over a bag of butter bread.
With a note in it: Eat now!
I squeezed the note and smiled like a fool.
Another holiday, my parents went out to run errands and left me alone at home.
I suddenly had a stomachache and curled up on the couch humming.
The phone was thrown in the room by me.
Xu Yan knew about my parents going out, so she sent a message to let me go to her house for dinner.
I didn't reply to her.
As the morning passed, Xu Yan did not wait for my news, and went straight to my house with the incubator containing the meal.
At noon that day, the weather suddenly changed, the wind and rain outside, the dark clouds pressed down, and the sky and earth were gray.
As soon as I opened the door, Xu Yan, who was like a chicken in the soup, asked me, are you sick, or is there an accident?
I said weakly, it's okay, it's just that my stomach hurts a little.
Xu Yan rushed into the kitchen wetly, rummaging through boxes and cabinets to find brown sugar, boiling water, and hot meals.
Watching me drink a whole bowl of brown sugar water and eat a small bowl of rice, I sat down and rested for a while.
At this moment, I realized with hindsight that her body was shaking uncontrollably because of the alternating between hot and cold.
I hurried to get her to take a shower at my house.
But Xu Yan insisted on going home because her mother was coming back.
The next day, I went to her house in high spirits to look for her, only to find her lying on the bed alone, dazed.
It turned out that it was a lie to say yesterday that her mother had returned, and she had already sensed that she was uncomfortable, but she was afraid that I was worried, so she made an excuse to hurry home.
That is, yesterday she burned all night.
I told her, Xu Yan, I'm not going anywhere today, I'll guard you twenty-four hours a day.
Xu Yan burned a little confused and fell asleep after drinking the cold medicine.
I held her hand and never put it down again.
5
Later, there was my confession to Xu Yan on the way out of school.
Unexpectedly, Xu Yan did not have any disgust, but instead held my hand tightly.
It turned out that she had been secretly liking me.
We were like two wanderers hiking out, passing through a warm and comfortable hut when we were exhausted, and naturally settled down.
The two of us hid joy between our eyes and eyebrows, and our love was hidden in silence.
But I didn't know that there were eyes behind us that kept staring at us.
About half a year before the college entrance examination, Xu Yan and I broke out the first quarrel since we fell in love.
The reason is not new, at least in my opinion, it is just the most common little quarrel between lovers.
That night my parents stayed by my side, talking about the choice of major in the college entrance examination.
So I didn't get a call from Xu Yan.
I was too tired before going to bed at night and I didn't reply to her messages.
The next day, when I called her back, Xu Yan was hysterical on the phone and asked me how I could not answer her phone!
She, who had been stable and precocious before, suddenly became so incomprehensible, I was a little strange.
Coupled with the eighteen-year-old's youthful vigor, I did not soften my heart to coax her, but rationally told her what had happened.
Xu Yan did not relax after listening to it, but said even more arbitrarily, you can't smoke for a minute, you just deliberately ignored me.
I no longer had the patience to accept Xu Yan's unreasonable teasing and hung up the phone without permission.
Then this Cold War was two weeks
When I called Xu Yan again two weeks later, I was told that she had moved to Wuxi, Jiangsu Province, with her mother and stepfather.
I was completely confused.
Her mother has talked about a business boyfriend for the past two years, and I have always known about this.
But what I didn't expect was that they would get married so suddenly, move suddenly, and suddenly leave without quitting.
This time, I questioned her why she had walked away so irresponsibly!
Xu Yan said, because I am tired of you.
6
I was completely hurt by this sentence.
When you love, you are violent, and when you hate, the world is broken.
When I was young, I didn't know how to tolerate, I didn't understand, I didn't know how to give in, I would only rush forward in a daze, rushing to the head and breaking the blood, and there was no way to get in.
I impulsively blocked all her contact information and vowed never to see each other again in this life.
But a lover's heart does not say that death is death.
After college, high school classmates formed a WeChat group.
I saw Xu Yan's head at a glance.
I couldn't help it, and I secretly added her as a friend.
Xu Yan also passed immediately.
But we never spoke, only liked and interacted in each other's circle of friends.
This is the only way we can exchange messages.
I am obsessed with this feeling of "secretly crossing Chen Cang", so I brush the circle of friends more frequently, and even sometimes send several dynamics that are only visible to her.
Xu Yan will like it every time.
I felt the emotions that had been suppressed slowly invading my internal organs again.
However, Xu Yan still did not take the initiative to find me, and her self-esteem did not allow me to turn back again.
We were stuck in a stalemate for four years.
For four years, I rejected all those who tried to get close to me, and I was alone and alone, becoming a strange person in everyone's eyes.
7
But one day near the end of my senior year, I found out in Xu Yan's circle of friends that she had shown off her boyfriend.
He was a handsome and shy big boy.
He held Xu Yan and stood in the sun, smiling.
Xu Yan next to her is also smiling, quiet and gentle.
I was so jealous that I was about to go crazy, so I frantically sent a WeChat message to Xu Yan to tell me what I thought.
But Xu Yan did not respond to me.
I was completely depressed.
Emotional illness brings real pain in the body.
I'm sick.
The college counselor informed my parents and vaguely mentioned to them my eccentric behavior in college.
My parents didn't speak, they weren't surprised, and after thanking the counselor, they took me home.
During the time when I went home to recuperate, in addition to going to the hospital for follow-up treatment, I was covering my head and playing games at home, watching DISHEs, and sleeping.
One night in the middle of the night, I woke up from a nightmare and went to the living room alone to pour water to drink, but I heard my parents whispering in the room.
They probably didn't think I'd come out in the middle of the night, so they didn't even close the door.
I faintly heard the words "Xu Yan".
This made me stop immediately.
The mother said that this time her daughter was sick, it should be for that Xu Yan again. Oh, it's all wrongs.
The father said that she moved four years ago, and we had already negotiated to ask her not to see our daughter again?
The mother said, yes, fortunately, Xu Yan and her mother found out their abnormality early, so she took the opportunity of her remarriage and immediately took Xu Yan. Otherwise, when they grow up a little longer, we will not be able to control where our old faces will go.
The father sighed and said, what can we do with the daughter she gave birth to, hoping that one day she will understand our hardships. After all, the world can't tolerate them.
The conversation in the room continued, and I was already cold.
8
The next day, I lied that I was getting better and wanted to travel to relax.
The parents happily agreed.
I took my luggage and ran to Xu Yan's university without looking back.
All I had in my head was a crazy idea, which was to elope with Xu Yan.
And I have an inexplicable confidence that Xu Yan will definitely agree.
But when Xu Yan saw me, she had a cold face.
I hugged her with joy.
She pushed me away lightly and said, let's find a café and have a good chat.
The café has melodious music flowing, surrounded by couple after couple, or intimate or noisy conversation.
I envy them so much.
I hope that I and Xu Yan can also play openly and be an ordinary couple.
But Xu Yan's first words splashed me with a basin of cold water.
She said, you go back, you rush out like this, your parents will be worried.
I stood up excitedly and said, Xu Yan, I know that when you didn't quit, I didn't leave because my parents came to you and asked you not to see me again. But now that we've grown up, we're fully capable and have the right to choose the life we want.
Xu Yan looked up, her eyes were like knives, and she said word by word, Yes, we have grown up, but our parents are still our parents, we can't get rid of them, we can't get rid of them in this life, not to mention that we can't get rid of this world, this damn world, you know?
Have you ever loved me?
I asked Xu Yan.
Xu Yan's calm eyes were rising, but at the last moment she stubbornly turned her head and said, What is the point of talking about these things?
I stood up and walked away without looking back.
9
After seeing Xu Yan that time, I completely let go of myself.
Isn't it just a love affair? Isn't it just holding hands and kissing boys? Who wouldn't?
Talking about boyfriends is actually not as difficult as imagined, and I have accepted the courtesy of one opposite sex after another.
Whoever said it, married to whomever is actually the same.
Gradually I had a fixed boyfriend, his name was Xu Yang, and he loved me very much.
Although I will never have hot feelings for him, there is still warmth in the long stream.
For example, when it is cold, he is told to add more clothes, send an umbrella to the subway station when it rains, and cook a warm meal.
It's much easier to adjust to a life of conformity than it is to adapt to an unforgiving love.
When I was twenty-five years old, I received an invitation from Xu Yan to get married.
Like all brides, she wore a holy wedding dress.
Beside her stood the man who loved her, embracing her in his arms, as steady as a mountain.
I didn't go to the scene to participate, but the trustee sent a red envelope.
One weekend after the wedding, the parents went out to attend a housewarming celebration of a relative.
I was idle, cleaned up my room, and incidentally even my parents' room was cleaned.
In the coat compartment of their room, I found a small box.
In fact, it is also an ordinary box, which is covered with some ash.
I wanted to move it out to dry, but a thick pile of letters fell out of it.
The sender on the envelope was Xu Yan.
The time for sending the letter started after she moved, but I didn't receive a single one.
Obviously, they were all intercepted by my parents.
In the letter, Xu Yan kept saying sorry.
She also said that the big fight before the move was actually deliberate, because she really couldn't find a reasonable reason to force herself to leave me.
In her letter, she repeatedly mentioned a movie "Broken Arm Mountain".
Xu Yan said she often cried while watching.
She wanted to find an answer from it, could it be that the world could not tolerate same-sex love?
The last letter was sent by her before she went to college.
She said that she has accepted the reality, and will be a good daughter who reassures her mother in the future, be a normal person who is recognized by society, and talk about a relationship that can be blessed by everyone.
Sorry, she withdrew first.
At the end of the letter, she wrote a sentence: How I wish I knew how to give up on you.
I held the letter and cried silently.
10
When my boyfriend Xu Yang came to my house to find me, I was watching "Brokeback Mountain".
In the play, Ennis shouts out loud to Jack: Sometimes I really miss you, thinking of my heart aches. We could have had a truly good life, with our own world. But you don't want that, so we only have this Brokeback Mountain. This Brokeback Mountain is everything to us, fuck everything. You goddamn bastard, how I wish I knew how to give up on you.
As I watched, I cried out of breath.
Xu Yang was next to me, silently hugging me and saying, don't cry, it's just a sensational love film.
I looked up at him and said, have you ever loved someone with all your heart?
Xu Yang looked at me and said seriously, Yes, right now.
I slowly buried my head in the crook of his arm and decided to follow Xu Yan's example and try to reconcile with the world.
It's just that the brokeback mountain in our hearts can only be slowly buried in the deepest part of memory.
There, darkness is eternal.
Miss Red-eared Rabbit, an old girl who specializes in writing stories, knows 100,000 likes of emotional answers. His works are scattered in "Youth Digest", "Women's Daily", "Yilin" and "Philosophy", etc., welcome to come to me to play~