Father:
You okay?
Shortly after Qingming Festival is your death day, Dad, you have been away from me for twelve full years.
The last time I dreamed that you were on the first of March, it was strange to say, every time I dreamed that you were in the old yard of our house, not once in the new house, probably because you had never lived in a new house.
When you walked suddenly, you didn't quit. For three years, I locked myself in the dark day and night, crying and pleading, and I thought that as long as I was crying and lying like when I was a child, you would come back to see me. However, this time, you are so desperate that you will leave, and I will not be able to find you, and I will not be able to get you back.
Dad, I wrote you a lot of letters after you left, I don't know if you received them? Ever since you left, I am no longer afraid of parting and death, and my heart is filled with joy at the thought of you waiting for me in a distant place.
However, when one day I read Su Shi's "Even if you don't know each other, your face is full of dust and your sideburns are like frost." After the words, I suddenly felt extremely panicked and frightened. Many years later, when I went to see my father, I was already full of wrinkles and white hair, no longer the appearance of your daughter in your mind, you can't recognize me, so what can you do?
Such thoughts made my mood extremely gloomy and depressed.
Dad, do you know what gradually dispelled the haze in my heart? It was reading and writing, and it was they who pulled me out of the quagmire of sadness little by little.
I was afraid that in the future my father would not recognize me in heaven, but I was even more afraid that my father would ask me: "Has your ideal come true?" ”
For so many years, I have been in a state of intermittent effort of "always determined", and occasionally I have some small achievements, but they are far from my life goals.
Father, Confucius said, "Forty is not confused," and this is true. When I reached the age of confusion, suddenly one day I heard the sound of the arrow of life breaking through the air, and I was scared out of a cold sweat. The shadow of life is constantly shrinking, and there are not many years to waste, so I gathered all my courage and decided to fight for my ideals.
Dad, did you know that from the end of 2017 to now, I've read more than three hundred books and watched more than three hundred movies. In the past few years, I have written a lot of prose intermittently, and I plan to carefully polish a collection of essays, which is a memorial and an encouragement to myself. When the book comes out, I'll tell you. By the way, in addition to wanting to write novels, I also plan to try to write a screenplay. In fact, many things are integrated, not as difficult as imagined. Forget it, I won't say more, or make the achievements and report to you again!
Dad, I tell you, it's really magical. Through these years of reading and writing, my heart has not only become more and more open, but even part of my personality has been reshaped. You know, I've always been indecisive, always afraid to hurt others, and won't refuse. But now that I've changed a lot, I'm no longer pushing myself, and it's much easier to make judgments and trade-offs when I know exactly what I want. Now I am confident, determined, optimistic, strong, and every day I will find a new self, which is a good feeling!
Dad, I also want to tell you a feeling. I used to push myself to work hard, hoping to live the way you expected it to be, but now I don't think so.
As an independent person, I should not live for the expectations of someone, I should follow my heart and live a truly wonderful and unique self! I believe that as long as I do this, not only will I get the satisfaction and happiness of realizing my self-worth, but those who love me will also be proud and proud of me. Dad, are you right when you say I'm right?
Dad, I also thought of a way to meet you in the future, do you want to listen?
Although I have only thirty-six years of father-daughter relationship with you, the love you give me is like an endless sea, and I want to intersperse my words with bits and pieces of love in a way that we all understand. One day when we meet, if you don't recognize me, I'll show you these words, and I'll tell you the relevant stories, and when the time comes, you won't be able to rely on them!
Dad, that's a good idea for me, right?
I want to be your daughter for the rest of my life!"
Dad, how are you doing now? Sometimes I worry about your illness, but on second thought, there is no pain in heaven, and you must be full of spring breeze and walk like a fly every day.
Did Grandma cook better than before? Does Grandpa still nag all day about going to the northeast to escape the wilderness? Thinking of you happily together, I couldn't help but smile.
Dad, everything is fine in the house, don't worry about it. Mother's body is simply old and strong, people praise her good health, saying that she can live to the age of ninety, she is still not convinced, said: "What is ninety years old, I still have to live to one hundred and twenty years old!" ”
It's early spring, the willows are green and the flowers are red, the water is green and the birds are singing, the spring light is just right, you have to go out and walk more!
Dad, let's talk so much today. Also, you must remember to come to see me in your dreams from time to time, don't be lazy!
wish
well! Ask the grandparents good!
Love your daughter forever
April 4, 2022