It's been 20 years since my mother left me. It was Qingming again, but because of the epidemic, she could not go home to visit the grave of her old man's family, so she could only ask her brother to do the work for her. Opening the diary of 20 years ago, the scene of accompanying my mother in her last days was vividly remembered, and I couldn't help but wet my eyes with tears. My mother never went far, she will always live in my heart...
2002.1.4 11:07 PM Friday sunny
On the 2nd, I knew that my mother was sick, and I returned home on the evening of the 3rd, and when I saw my mother on the morning of the 4th, I was very haggard and couldn't help but cry like diarrhea. In the evening, he stayed in the ward with his second brother and could not sleep. In the afternoon, the eldest brother and the fifth brother took care of it, the third brother and the third sister-in-law temporarily returned, and the father rested at the second brother's house. May Heaven bless her mother to survive this calamity, and may she give everything away, and I am grateful!
2002.1.10 2:00 a.m. 15 bed on the 6th floor of the Puwai Building of SQ People's Hospital
Mom's illness seems to be getting better, but doctors have repeatedly stressed that the cost can be high. It doesn't really matter, even if you borrow money. As long as there is a glimmer of hope, we have to do our best.
The mood of the whole family fluctuates with the mother's condition, there is no improvement, there is no joy, and there are bad situations that are worried and afraid. I hope my mother can get through this. We need her!
For the past few days, I have felt the moment of death wandering in this world. While mom was in the critical care unit (ICU), none of the others who went in survived, including young women who committed suicide on medication, strong lads who had been in a car accident, cancer patients in their fifties, and the extremely rare Gbagger syndrome (the whole body is immobile, can't even breathe, and relies on a ventilator to ensure oxygen supply). Mom was lucky, but the leakage from the surgical sutures was extremely disturbing.
2002.1.17 Sleet
At three o'clock in the afternoon, the second brother was in a hurry, the mother's condition was suddenly dangerous, it had become an incurable trend, suddenly like a huge thunder boom, stunned for a moment, could not help but cry like rain, I don't know what to say, Mom, you don't go!
2002.01.18 Cold back on the Jiangsu train
Within half a month, twice back and forth, today the heart is particularly heavy, at this moment and the mother are probably in the two worlds of yin and yang. The heart is broken, and the grief is unbeatable.
Heavy snow fell in Wuhan yesterday evening, and it stopped at noon today. The car window is covered with residual snow, flying from car to car, cold soaking, and a few lights, dim and weak, who knows my pain?
Loving my mother is the greatest sorrow in my life. My mother was diligent and thrifty all her life, worked hard in the countryside, suffered countless hardships, and pulled five sons and a daughter. However, the eldest sister Shaohua died early, causing her mother to hit hard and almost no longer wanted to live. Fortunately, the five sons have achieved success, not to live up to the mother's grace, but on the occasion of filial piety, the mother suddenly passed away, this hatred is long, can not be dissolved, may there really be eternal hell, let the mother see the grandmother, embrace the eldest sister, the mother can be happy?
The past is unforgettable, and the tears of remembrance ripple.
2002． 01． 19 On the way to YH by car
The grass is frosted, the pool surface is ice floes, the poplars are withered, and the grief is extreme. Eleven years back and forth to Hansu, there is a mother to send the mother to greet, the mother loves Yingying, the love is as deep as the sea, and now I go home to visit my mother, but it is a fierce nightmare, the mother goes to the end, where do I go?
2002． 01． 19 homes
On the road, I wet my clothes with tears several times, and when I arrived home at 10 o'clock, I saw my mother's remains, and I couldn't help but weep, kneel for a long time, cry, and my father and brother wiped their tears. Touch the mother's face, cold, stroke the mother's hair, hard as silver wire. Mother died at 6:30 p.m. on January 17, 2002 (the fifth day of the first lunar month) in the solar calendar, and her remains are very peaceful, can the mother rest assured that she will go away?
The old things in the home, as always, and seeing the feelings of things and thinking about people, the pain is added to the pain, whimpering, mother, Ru go to what a hurry!
There were two things that made me so sad that I never had a chance to make up for them. The first is that for many years I wanted to take my mother to Han, but now I will never be empty. Second, my mother mentioned my marriage many times and hoped to do something at home, but I did not think so, and pushed it again and again. Now that my mother has passed away, what should I do with my child?
11:05 p.m
Many things, difficult to tell, painful to suppress! At this time, I rested in a bed with my father, and the place where I lay was where my mother used to lie, and the right hand side was the clothes that my mother wore before she was born, most of them were old, and there were new clothes and cheap fabrics, but today's quilt cover was sewn by my mother with new cotton wool for my marriage, hoping that I and XZ could go home to do a ceremony, but I wished. Listening to my father, my mother prepared two new quilts, sewed them and locked them in the cabinet, leaving them only for us to cover, and my mother also said that she wanted to change a new mosquito net. Mother's life, how kind, how industrious, now suddenly gone early! I'm miserable, I'm in pain!
2002． 01． 20 p.m. 9:52 p.m
This morning, I sent my mother's body to SY crematorium with my four brothers and other relatives and friends, which was the last time my mother walked out of the house, and my brothers all cried bitterly! Nearly ten o'clock arrived, and at ten twenty-five o'clock the memorial hall saw my mother's last face, which was unforgettable at this moment and I was extremely sad.
On the way, I passed the history collection, thinking that my mother had talked about catching up with the history collection many times before she died. How much the mother's feet walked, how much work the mother's hands did, only to complain that God had no eyes, so she left early.
At about eleven o'clock, the mother's ashes came out, the skull, leg bones and other parts were intact, tears were gushing, personally picked up a piece of the mother's remains, wanted to be a souvenir in the future, but afraid of being unlucky, and afraid of being more sad in the future, he hesitated for a moment and finally put it into the red satin, and the eldest brother held the mother's ashes back.
In the afternoon, my mother's ashes were scattered in a coffin, and I put in the fruit that my mother loved to eat when she was alive, and in the silver bracelet I bought for her. Poor my mother, who did not take it for a few days, remembered that she once said on the sickbed that this was called "cow nose bracelet", and it was sad.
In the evening, the eldest brother and the fifth brother guarded the spirit, and I accompanied them. A golden crescent moon hangs in the air, and the mother can no longer see her beloved relatives, the fields she labors, the homes she has worked so hard to build... How can this situation not be extremely sad? Several brothers, still can not accept this reality. My mother's voice and smile are all vivid, and it feels like my mother has not left us, she seems to have just traveled far away and will come back.
2002． 01． 9:19 p.m. on the 21st in the mother's bedroom
In the morning, I went to the KEJI team to choose a cemetery for my mother, and we also invited a geography gentleman to see feng shui, in the wilderness, and the wind was cold.
Located in North Lake, the KEJI team is a cemetery dedicated to the village and once planted peaches. When he was young, he worked with his mother in North Lake, either hoeing rice and grass, or fattening wheat. I vividly remember that after hoeing the grass once, my mother paid me fifty cents to buy peaches, and I was so happy and excited that I still remember it vividly.
The mother's life was extremely industrious and kind, and the day before she fell ill, she went to the field to collect cabbage and push it back with a wheelbarrow, afraid of freezing in the field. Zhuang Dong's family is very economically poor, and her mother often receives help, never urges the loans, and from time to time collects old clothes and sends them. The eldest aunt lost her husband in middle age, the three sons under the knees all lived separately, and the eighty-year-old opened the stove alone to cook, which was inconvenient. My mother bought flatbread, eggs, etc. on the back of a wooden stick and walked eight or nine miles to send them. Two days before her mother's illness, she prepared a piece of flatbread and five pounds of oil to send again, but unexpectedly she suddenly fell ill and died. The flatbread and oil are still in my mother's bedroom, and I can't send them anymore!
My mother was born into a very noble family, with nearly 1,000 acres of good fields and fruit forests, oil mills, rice noodle factories, etc., and there were artillery towers outside the courtyard, with more than a dozen people's private armed forces. There are three tutors. One of his mother's eldest uncles, who was an important member of the Capital At the time, was later poisoned by a political enemy who bought off his guards, and afterwards his mother's family hired a killer to eliminate the murderer and this political enemy. But the incident seems to have been the starting point for the decline of the mother's family. Later, due to well-known historical and political reasons, the wealth of the mother's family was divided, and the political status was extremely low, when the mother was only ten years old. The mother was the third oldest of the sisters, and at the age of 19 married her father, who was born a poor peasant. The mother also had a brother, unfortunately died early, left a son, stranded in the countryside, and was affected by birth and so on, and eventually did not become a great instrument. My aunt and mother also stayed in the countryside. The second aunt lived in Shanghai, and the fourth aunt worked in Suzhou in her early years, and then went to the northeast. Now that my mother has passed away, only the eldest aunt has come to mourn, and the second aunt and the fourth aunt are not allowed to come because of their poor health and long distance. When they learned the bad news, they all cried bitterly and mourned, and only the telephone line reported to them.
Spiritual Hall Link (does not seem to be remembered completely)
Life expectancy is nearly seventy, illness is in the harsh winter, lying on the bed for several days, living can not be lived, diet is not human can not, even if the benefit of life
The husband's duties have been exhausted, the children's duties have been exhausted, the daughter-in-law's duties have been exhausted, the divine doctors are ineffective, the magic medicine has failed, and even if he dies, there is no harm.
Father-to-mother
Helping me run the family through hardships, endure and break the mirror, and it is difficult to play old tears for five nights.
The predicament has gone to the bittersweet, and in an instant people go to the empty building, and the three can not be hurt.
Half a round of silver moon like a broken mirror,
A more chilly and cool as water.
Fifty years of Chinser and,
Tonight I look at the stars alone.
2002.01.22 Night Commemoration of the father and mother married for fifty years, and now the mother unfortunately died of illness, leaving the father alone, feeling the father's mood.
2002． 01． On the 23rd at 3:29 p.m. by the left door of the front house
The mother's funeral was held according to the village customs, yesterday was the hanging, relatives and friends came to pay tribute, the five brothers guarded the spiritual shed, went to the delivery at night, planted torches along the way, the blue sky and the moon, like daylight. The second brother said: "The mother has been thinking about her children all her life, and when she dies, she will not cause us any trouble." "I can't help but smell sour and wet. This road was the only way to go with my mother to my aunt's house on the south bank of the Grand Canal, and now my mother did not quit.
This morning the mother came out of the coffin, which was to escort the mother out of the house forever. The grave was dug yesterday, and in the cemetery we prostrated our heads and then buried it by the rest of the family. After returning, go to the round grave, sprinkle fresh petals on the grave, and wipe the tears and return with regret.
After arriving home in the afternoon, I went around and saw the golden needle vegetables planted by my mother's hand, the dead leaves were neatly arranged, and the green garlic was planted between the rows.
I was scheduled to go back to SQ with my second brother the day after tomorrow, and I wanted to live at home for more time, but the image of my mother lingered, and I was touched by emotions everywhere, and I was sad. Leave or not, but the old father will be alone in the future, how to pass in his old age?
2002． 01． 25 p.m. 8:30 P.M. Mother's legs on the bed in her bedroom before she died
I planned to go the morning after tomorrow, the second brother checked out tomorrow, and the five brothers got the account out. I wanted to stay at home for a few more days to accompany my father, but I was too sad to see my mother's relics!
In the morning, I helped my father tidy up the bedroom, saw the apples and pears that my mother bought before I was born in the bamboo basket, took out a large pear and looked at it for a moment, and then burst into tears and put it back. The objects in the home are all touched by my mother's hands, how can I not see things and think of people!
In the morning, the fifth brother had returned to Shanghai, and when he left, he went to his mother's grave, and I also accompanied my father to see my mother's tomb. The father turned around, and the old tears flowed. But my father was strong, and although my mother died of a serious illness and during the subsequent mourning period, my father often cried, but he never cried. When my mother went here, I hit my father the hardest, so how did my father live after that?
After returning to Han, I would burn paper for my mother before the Qingming Dynasty on my mother's May 7, June Seventh and New Year's Day. The third sister-in-law said that she would draw a circle on the side of the road and burn it inside. I'll be back next year Mom first week.
Rest in peace, my favorite mom!
The Mother is gone now and will be determined forever. A few days of pain, to the fullest I mourn!
There is no better sorrow in this life than this; physical and mental exhaustion, it is difficult to heal my wounds.
2002.02.01 Friday fog
The first month of the new year is over and this month has left me with great grief. The tragic death of my mother brought unspeakable blows and sorrow to my soul, and my disposition seemed to have changed, although this may only be temporary. I felt physically and mentally exhausted like never before.
Are you still smiling in the frame, Mom
When I go home again
Only look at your portrait
Tears wet cheeks
How much of life is fragile
Love always breaks my heart
I think of how many sunny and warm days there were
You took my hand and staggered along
Miss your mother, forever... forever......