■ 01
Zhang Zhilin and Yuan Yongyi are famous joyful enemies in the circle, and when they see them, they think of the classic "Liangliang, are you still enough to buy a bag?" ”
Love his wife Gu family, earn money to buy bags for his wife, even in the face of his wife's black material, his response is not humble, Zhang Zhilin can be called a well-known warm man in the circle.
And many people think that Zhang Zhilin, who has a warm and considerate personality and is full of interest in life, must be very happy in his original family.
But quite the opposite.
Zhang Zhilin has experienced two divorces from his parents.
When Zhang Zhilin was young, his parents were at odds. The family has been shrouded in a haze of quarrels for many years.
Zhang Zhilin was therefore depressed and unhappy all the time.
Also because of personality problems, Zhang Zhilin is not popular in school, and everyone thinks that he is a bit strange.
At the age of 14, my parents divorced.
Zhang Zhilin is very guilty, he feels: "The parents' feelings are not harmonious, because they have not reconciled from it. ”
Under the two ends of his peace, the parents chose to remarry.
However, after the remarriage, the parents are still like water and fire.
This time, Zhang Zhilin finally understood that his parents were not compatible, and it was pointless to force them to be together. It's good for everyone to be apart.
Zhang Zhilin's childhood photos
After their parents divorced, they each had a new family, but they were still very caring for Zhang Zhilin.
American psychologist Rubenstein once said: "After the parents divorce, whether the child has a withdrawn personality and behavioral problems, the fundamental reason is not whether the parents divorce, but whether the child gets enough love from the parents." ”
This sentence was verified in Zhang Zhilin.
After his parents divorced, Zhang Zhilin instead gained a long-lost sense of security and happiness.
This year, 16-year-old Zhang Zhilin, like a daigo empowerment, it turned out that what really made him miserable was not his parents' divorce, but his parents' endless quarrels.
As an adult, when asked by reporters whether this experience had any impact on him, Zhang Zhilin replied:
"Of course there is, there is a good impact."
"The divorce of my parents made me cherish marriage and cherish the people around me even more."
The divorce of his parents made Zhang Zhilin once have no confidence in love.
But Yuan Yongyi appeared.
It can be seen that the failed marriage of his parents has given him all kinds of thinking.
To this end, he learned all kinds of lightning protection early.
The parents are flash marriage, and they do not know enough before marriage, so they rush into marriage.
He and Yuan Yongyi seriously talked about love for several years, and the two sides were almost running into each other before entering marriage.
Both parents are grumpy, quarreling when they disagree, and both sides are particularly good at cold war.
After Zhang Zhilin and Yuan Yongyi quarreled, they never had a cold war with her. Always reconcile in time, communicate in time, and prevent quarrels because of the same problem next time.
Because of the economic pressure, his parents frequently broke out into contradictions, and he worked hard to make money and buy bags for Liang Liang.
If people are good at introspection, they will turn the pit in their parents' marriage into a warning to themselves.
Even if the parents are divorced, it still does not affect a person, to pursue a high-quality life, the pursuit of a more perfect self.
■ 03
Compared with Zhang Zhilin, some children are not so lucky.
They have neither a complete family nor a complete fatherly love.
Stumbling all the way, growing up savagely. It took several times to find a way to get along with the world and how to establish their own intimate relationships.
Yi Nengjing was the youngest child in the family, because she was a girl, and her father did not hesitate to abandon their mother and daughter.
Her mother was also very disgusted with Yi Nengjing and fostered her in a relative's house. I turned my head and remarried.
Occasionally, when we met, her mother instilled in her the idea that it was because of you that your father would divorce me.
At a young age, Yi Nengjing carried a heavy psychological burden. Tossing and turning under the eaves of one relative after another, I learned to look at people's faces at a young age.
Because of her sensitive personality and timid and introverted, Yi Nengjing was in school and also suffered from school bullying.
"I don't have the ability to socialize, I don't have the dependence of affection, I don't have the habit of talking, so I write."
This is Yi Nengjing's memory of her youth.
Until the age of 18, she met Haring, a handsome, gentle, talented, and well-born man who seemed to grasp the straw of life and fell madly in love with him.
For her, this love is too important to almost save her life.
Extreme insecurity, let her in intimate relationships, the state is very extreme.
Sometimes through desperate efforts, to win the favor of the other party.
Sometimes through desperate "doing", to get the attention of the other party.
Just eight months after the marriage, the two people broke out into a serious quarrel, and Yi Nengjing impulsively wrote down the divorce agreement.
In the end, the long-term quarrel between the two people, coupled with the serious mother-in-law contradiction, the marriage was dissolved.
Yi Nengjing later said on the show that the first marriage failed because she did not have wisdom.
She said: "I came out to work at an immature age and came across a complex social environment. When I meet a reliable person, it is like grabbing driftwood, and I hope that he will solve all the pain of the original family. ”
After the divorce, she had a period of silence.
She visited the healer and learned about the pain in her heart.
Try to heal yourself by writing.
Five years after her divorce, she met Qin Hao. People who have been injured will face major choices more carefully. Moreover, the two are still separated by a 10-year age difference.
Eventually, the two entered into marriage.
Some people say that Qin Hao's straight male style of cold humor healed Yi Nengjing's "work".
Judging from several reality SHOWs, Qin Hao is not the kind of perfect husband, and he also has this straight man's big grin, and his response is simple and direct in the face of Yi Neng's signal of quietly seeking comfort.
In his career, although he has good talent and a high starting point, he has fallen into a career downturn for a long time because his personality is too high and he does not adapt to the rules of the circle.
In essence, the problems that Yi Nengjing encountered in this marriage are similar to those encountered in the previous paragraph.
But Yi Nengjing is no longer the same she used to be, facing problems, no longer complaining, no longer narrow-minded, but becoming tolerant and compassionate, which in turn nourished the marriage.
Qin Hao, as a literary and artistic man, is not good at dealing with people, and Yi Nengjing helps him to pull connections and strive for resources. After marriage, Qin Hao's career rose several steps.
Qin Hao did not know how to satisfy "doing", she coaxed herself to be happy, and it can be seen from the frequent small essays on Weibo that she also found a certain self-consistent mode.
Dealing with various relationships is also handy.
She had a good relationship with her eldest son, Harry, and on her birthday, Harry painted a self-portrait of her. She made a comeback to sing, and Harry wrote and choreographed for her personally, very supportive of her career.
Harry fell in love with cross-dressing, and Yi Nengjing did not judge anything and fully respected his life.
The relationship with the current in-laws is also very harmonious, and even because of the harmonious mother-in-law relationship, her mother-in-law is also on the show, circled a wave of fans.
For Yi Nengjing, divorcing Haring shattered her dream, a dream that could be redeemed by relying on men.
But it gave her a chance to really grow.
Can fame and fortune bring spiritual security?
A sense of spiritual security can only be built by oneself.
■ 04
To some extent, in the entertainment industry, Vanity Fair, we can most glimpse some human truths.
The relationship between parents does affect a person's psychology and marriage, but it does not determine his happiness in life.
Recently, a friend asked if he wanted a divorce. She and her husband are flash marriage, because the conditions are suitable, after knowing each other for half a year, they hurriedly entered the marriage hall.
The two parties did not know enough to get married, and after having children, the discord between the two still broke out.
During the epidemic, my husband's company laid off employees. He did not die, ignored her objections, and took out the family's savings to invest, resulting in hundreds of thousands of water.
The monthly mortgage and car loan put a lot of financial pressure on the two.
Stills from "Heart Dwelling"
So she got a job and asked her mother-in-law to come over and take the baby. However, the mother-in-law's set of parenting methods made her very unaccustomed.
He is unusually spoiled by children, gives children a lot of snacks every day, and indulges children to look at mobile phones and play computers. She gave her opinion, but her mother-in-law was very aggrieved, and her husband also felt that she was troublesome.
Even the eldest sister-in-law, mixed in, called her brother to complain, saying that the sister-in-law did not respect her mother.
Mother-in-law contradictions, sister-in-law contradictions, economic pressure. Finally it made her feel broken. The couple quarreled every day and were on the verge of divorce.
She is determined to divorce, but she worries that divorce will have a negative impact on her children.
Is divorce the one that hurts your children the most? not necessarily.
For children, what is more terrible than the separation of parents is that parents turn their homes into battlefields, fighting each other and hurting each other.
There is a question on Zhihu: how much impact does living in a family where parents often quarrel has on children?
There is a highly praised answer:
Hope they get divorced.
We must admit that parental divorce can hurt children.
However, a family full of quarrels can do far more harm to the children than the parents divorce.
Because of the divorce of parents, and worry that it is difficult for them to find happiness and success, it is not necessary. When adulthood comes, everyone should be responsible for their own happiness, rather than talking about their original family.
Stills from Little Joy
If you are always worried that you will copy the tragedy of your parents' marriage, you can start your inner growth from the following three points.
1. You can choose a completely different life from your parents.
In the book "Reconciliation with the Original Family", it is said: "If you want to reconcile with the original family, first let your consciousness grow freely, rather than being trapped by the original family." ”
This means that when we become adults, we must have the ability to think independently and detach ourselves from the views that our original family instilled in you.
Don't blame yourself for the parents' incompatibility, and don't be morally kidnapped by your parents, resulting in excessive guilt.
Stills from "Little Min's House"
The life of your parents cannot determine your life.
If your parents' life management is very unsuccessful, what you have to do is to reflect, to examine, and to avoid yourself from going their old way again. Instead of being kidnapped by them and repeating their unfortunate fate.
2. Divorce will not hurt the child, and what really hurts and loves the child is the lack of love.
Many people, because of the misfortune of their original families, are particularly eager for a complete family. Even if the other half is irresponsible, they still dare not divorce and brainwash themselves for the sake of their children.
But in fact, what really hurts children is not the divorce of parents, but the bad family atmosphere, the fight and depreciation between parents, and the lack of love in the growth environment.
After many couples divorce, they do not turn against each other, but can still respect each other.
Such a child, even if divorced, still lives in a relaxed and loving atmosphere, and will still believe that he is loved.
As a parent, the most important responsibility is not to barely maintain a broken marriage, but to live your life well.
3. Love can heal wounds, but no one can save you.
Many children who lack a sense of security most often do it, and they use love as a life-saving straw.
However, such love is too heavy for few people to afford.
Don't be struck by the gentleness of the other person at the beginning, and fantasize that he can save your life.
Everyone has their own limitations and pains, which means that everyone will have tempers and shortcomings.
Some people can cure you for a while, but not for a lifetime.
Don't deny that you don't deserve to be loved just because you break up or leave.
The one who can really heal you is yourself.
Marriage is indeed not a simple lesson, but it is precisely because of the desire for love that we will take the initiative to learn and grow.
Always remember that pain is the teacher who led you to "love yourself."
Then, you will find that when you love yourself more, the world naturally changes.