Sometimes children are jealous of their good friends and feel sad when they are ignored, is there any way to explain the child well?
In the classrooms of our children's camps, children are often seen talking about the problems they face in friendship. It is not a matter for adults, it is not important to learn, but it is a big thing in children's place, and if it is not channeled, it is easy to produce internal friction.
When you were a child, did you have the experience of being isolated by your classmates at school, having conflicts with good friends, or even breaking off friends, which can bring great psychological harm. In terms of knowledge, many users who ask questions about [friendship] are children, school students, at home, such questions are often aphasia, and communication between parents and children is sometimes not so smooth.
In dealing with this problem, we are prone to fall into two extremes. One is to completely ignore the child's emotional needs, just find that the child does not love school, or the appearance of inattention at home school, and it is often more harmful to want to enroll the child in class, force the study, and send the child to participate in the course of "attention". The other extreme is excessive interference, parents are more impulsive than children, the problems between children that are easy to solve have risen to the problems between parents, and even big fights are easy to cause secondary harm to children.
This time, we invited the Master of Psychology, a psychology teacher in a middle school in Beijing, to share with you how to look at and deal with this problem as a professionally trained teacher with rich practical experience.
Myth 1: Children do not learn well because of poor intelligence
Truth: Emotional factors are often overlooked
TSMM : We spend a lot of time cultivating our children's intellectual success, but we spend too little time on the psychological growth of children.
A : Yes, many parents believe that grades and achievements are related to intelligence, and people with high intelligence will have good grades, good achievements, and a good life. In fact, the children at both ends of the intelligence curve are a minority, and the intelligence of most children is not much different. What is critical to a child's well-being and achievement, but often overlooked, is the ability to manage emotions.
Some children have good grades in primary school and suddenly don't go to school when they reach middle school; some people have a good marriage and suddenly cheat; some people work very well and suddenly don't want to do it; and some people are obviously very rich, but their hearts are empty. These problems are difficult for others to understand, but in fact, they are all self-faults.
Where the boundaries of the self are, how to respond to others, how to invite others into my life and protect my defenses, is actually not taught--either from healthy parents, and some people will be lucky to learn from their interactions with others, and more people are barbaric and all by luck.
Like Gu Ailing's family, the mother is single, the family is still very dashing, the child has a good education, a good career, and a wonderful life. Some rural old ladies have poor economic conditions and no culture, but they are rational and transparent in looking at things, and economic conditions do not prevent a person from becoming an independent person.
Spiritual independence and personality independence are a particularly important lesson in life.
So, how can we cultivate an independent personality in children?
A : One of the important hallmarks of a persona is to establish a clear sense of boundaries. The sense of boundaries refers to the degree of judgment or importance of boundaries. When a person lacks a sense of boundaries, he may unconsciously often entrust his own affairs to others, inviting others to cross the boundaries that he should have, or imposing his will on others and forcibly crossing the boundaries of others.
So, to have a clear sense of boundaries, what can we do?
A : It is best to pay attention from birth, the child is best to be brought by the parents themselves, if it is an aunt belt, the elderly at home, parents should pay more attention to the child, the child's emotional attention and communication, more than the external performance: such as smart is not smart, is not better than other children, good grades, these are external.
The development of the self cannot be seen or touched, and there is no explicit thing to measure, but it is more important.
When you are very young, take care of your children, not only eat and wear warmly, but also respond positively to needs, and the children cry to be comforted. Plugging a mobile phone child can be quiet, but not what the child needs, the child needs to communicate, so that parents can become a support system that can comfort the child and establish a good relationship with the child. Even if the child encounters problems, he will tell his mother to ask for help at the first time, so many problems are easy to solve.
In this way, at the age of four or five, children can interact with other children, can soothe themselves, develop their own system, and have a sense of security. If other friends don't play with him, he will be sad, but he can also accept it, because it is also good to get along with himself.
However, if the early support system is not constructed and a secure attachment relationship is not formed, it is easy to go wrong. Interpersonal problems are usually very hidden, such as the child is isolated by classmates, the child will find it difficult to accept, quite painful, and if his sadness is not responded to, alone for a stage, the harm to the child's self is actually very large.
Another thing to note is not to get old enough to deny children.
In the initial grade, whether it is primary one or junior high school, children are very sensitive, even if parents do not say anything, children will have objects of comparison, know that they are not good enough, and are stressed. If at this time, the parents are still denying him, the child will feel that he is useless, very inferior, if he is abandoned by his friends, the child will double his denial of himself.
As a parent, it is sometimes difficult to do the right thing and not to the right person, and it is difficult not to rise to a personal attack because of small things. "You see you do this every time..." Many people attack, many lessons, in fact, parents are venting their emotions, and children know it. Not respected, not understood and tolerated, the child's heart needs to be nourished, has been squeezed, and finally collapsed, it is difficult to grow.
Also, not all children are suitable for the rhythm of the school, if you slow down, give a little more time, the child can also grow. If the school can't give the child this time, parents don't give the child space, the child is a jasmine flower, always hope that the child is a peony flower, can't see the good of the jasmine, and in the end the jasmine can only wither.
All parents are good for their children, but the way makes it difficult for children to accept, attacking, humiliating, turning over old accounts, complaining, are all negations of the child's personality, can the child feel love? Children are small and can only endure, and the final result is that the child's self has not developed, and it is difficult to be happy in life.
Myth two: Children are isolated, and parents must rush to the front
Truth: Guide your child to establish their own boundaries
What can parents do if a child is jealous, ignored, or even sidelined by a good friend at school?
A : Parents can take three steps:
The first step is to listen more, listen to the child talk about the context, the cause and effect: such as what happened? How is the other party jealous of you?
In the second step, parents will have a judgment of right and wrong: if you feel that your child is right, there is no fault, you can analyze it with your child, do you think there is any way to solve it?
In the third step, parents can show their attitude: your mother thinks that your approach is fine, the other party can be jealous of you, but it is wrong to isolate you, and if you join forces with others to isolate you, it is even more wrong. Let the child know that he is fine, although the other party is very strong, do not deny yourself because the other party ignores him. In this way, the child's self will be established, the attitude towards himself will be firm, and the child will be grateful to the parents in his heart.
If the child has done something unreasonable, also analyze with the child, cover up the reasons, tell the child, you can apologize, whether the other party accepts the apology, that is his business.
Similarly, I can also ask the other party to apologize to me, it doesn't matter if the other party doesn't do it, I have the right to express it. For example: "I feel like you're disrespecting me for doing this, I think I'm sad, and I want you to apologize to me." ”
Apologizing or not apologizing is someone else's business, as long as the child can express his feelings (grievances) and needs, he should do it.
There are two points to pay attention to in this process:
First, don't attack the other person and use words that hurt the other person, so that you will not regret it.
Second, there is a problem, say it immediately, don't say it after a long time, the internal friction is too big.
In this way, guide the child to establish his own boundaries. Let the child clearly realize that I can protect myself, defend myself, and at the same time not hurt others.
Myth three: Parents have a better sense of boundaries than children
Truth: Adults also need to learn
But parents who can do it, first of all, can make rational judgments about right and wrong, which is actually not easy.
A : Yes, parents only do this if they have a sense of boundaries.
Some parents are easy to rush in front, such as simply and rudely telling their children: he is not right, you don't want to be good friends with him! Some people make decisions for their children without authorization, go to the school to find each other's parents, thinking that they are doing this for the good of their children, and in fact, it is easier to cause their children to be isolated.
The boundaries of parents are very clear, their rights should be guarded, and they should not infringe on others. It's the same as being beaten when a child is a child, and the question of whether to fight back is the same. Fight or not to fight back, it varies from person to person, the key is to guard the psychological boundary.
Adults also need to guard psychological boundaries. Some people mess up their relationships, are always angry, and always attack others, but they have no sense of boundaries.
What are the usual reasons for not establishing clear psychological boundaries?
A: Establish psychological boundaries, adults are more difficult, the boundaries are not clear, and it is very related to childhood parenting. At a very young age, when a child needs parents and needs emotions, parents must meet him to have a sense of security.
In the process of raising a child, let him distinguish between what is other people's and which are responsible for himself. When children are young, if they fall, many elderly people will step on the ground and accuse the floor of falling pain, so that children learn not to be responsible for themselves and attribute the cause of their pain to others.
The rational approach is: reality is reality, emotion is emotion. Emotionally, to express heartache, such as you fell pain, your mother feels very distressed. If parents are too rational and do not emotionally express their understanding of their children, the child's grievances will remain in their hearts, which may be very sad.
Therefore, emotionally, we must accept the child's feelings and emotions, rather than denying him, let alone not crying, and the mother will not like you when you cry again.
But from a realistic point of view, if the child's behavior is not right, or the result is caused by the child himself, it is necessary to tell him the reality.
If the boundaries are not clear, it is easy to mix behaviors with feelings, purposes and methods. Just like there is a contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in the family, the husband says to his wife: Isn't my mother kind? It's about mixing purpose and approach.
Emotions are emotions, and actions are actions. Purpose, manner, feeling, behavior, should be separated.
After the child loses his temper at home and calms down, he can tell him: Mom knows that you are angry, but people can also show anger without venting.
In what way, you can guide your child to think with rational thinking. If the child is very small, parents can make some suggestions, such as when they are angry, stop, walk around the room twice, draw, play with toys. What else could be done? As long as the goal is clear and the way is reasonable, it can be.
The next time the child will be able to find a way to deal with the emotions on his own: I am angry, but I did not hit my sister, I painted, I was happy. In this way, the child's own boundaries are clear, and the way can be transferred to other problems in life.
To sum up, to help children develop themselves and establish safe psychological boundaries, we can:
First, respond positively to your child and build a secure attachment relationship.
Second, deny the child less and encourage the child more.
Third, distinguish between emotion and reality, emotional acceptance, but teach children to see reality, do not live in drama, think of themselves as the most pitiful person, and blame others for any unhappiness in life.
Fourth, distinguish between purpose and method, the purpose is good, does not mean that the way is reasonable.
Finally, teach children to analyze problems rationally and creatively find solutions.
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