After writing this article with tears in my eyes, I was tired and almost collapsed. My mother's life is not something I can write with a clumsy pen.
When I was in school, I wanted my parents to divorce.
Many years after graduation, I wanted my parents to live separately.
In the eyes of many people, there is no doubt that I am an unfilial daughter who took the initiative to split up my home.
But no one knows what kind of fear, how helpless, and how much I have been hit since I was a child.
No one knows what happened to the mother.
Children are a woman's weakness
Oh, maybe I saw it, it was when I was born, but I don't remember it.
While my mother was pregnant with me, he had an affair. My mother washed her face with tears every day, almost crying blind.
What is the impact of a pregnant woman in a long-term state of pain on the fetus? I don't know.
Later, when I was born, a barefoot man described it like this: Ten miles and eight townships, I haven't seen such a beautiful baby for a long time.
Unlike other newborn children who are wrinkled, this child is white and beautiful, and must be a good girl when she grows up.
So that in the later growth, every few years, my mother called me to the front and looked at me carefully:
Although I am not ugly when I grow up, I firmly believe that I am crippled.
Even such a beautiful child did not get the favor of my biological father, because although I was good-looking, I was a woman.
I guess it was the end of October 1988, when I was a month old they divorced, and my mother didn't want anything and wanted me. We both got out of the house.
Later, she said that she was not at ease with her own life and handed it over to others!
Even so, in my future growth experience, my mother still gave me some hurts that could not be ignored, very deeply!
It's just that it's hard for her to admit it in this life.
I was by her side, and the bitter water was inevitably poured on me.
And the initiator of all this was my later father, my stepfather!
Out of one fire pit, out of another
What was the situation of a divorced woman with children in the eighties?
When I was two or three years old, my mother was introduced to my current father.
Before marrying, there was a fortune teller who told his mother that this person must not marry, otherwise he would still be empty-handed in the end!
Grandpa is a person who is very feudal and traditional in his bones, how can he possibly quit this family affair, and it is more controversial to say that a divorced woman with children lives in her mother's house.
So there was no way, the mother married over.
The stepfather is a rare good man in front of outsiders, a rare grumpy man in front of his family.
When I say this about my father, someone must blame me.
My father gave us all his bad side, including uncle bullying, aunt and grandmother being separated, and neighbors looking down on them...
Whatever you can think of, whatever you can think of, let your imagination run wild as you can.
After all, I did not escape the fate of a girl being rejected, but just changed a pit.
Growing up, he never gave me a penny, and relied on my mother to save up tuition by hand.
The only thing that impressed me was that when I was very young, he bought me a pack of cookies and instant noodles.
Growing up, I was a worker. When I was less than ten years old, I burned the fire all night until half past ten, and I was so tired of pulling grass in the grass that I was taller than me that I did not dare to cry. I forgot what it was like to be tired, I just had to listen to orders to do things.
I can't remember how much farm work I did, how much pressure my young shoulders had. Once he went to a neighbor's house and caught me playing, kicking me in the ground one by one. Under the watchful eye of the neighbor, in the confusion of another little girl. At that time, I didn't know what dignity was, I just felt that my face was hot and very sad. I am reminded of the cartoon "Zhou Pickpocket" that I watched when I was a child.
In the middle of the night of winter, I am often awakened by quarrels. I curled up on the kang trying to make myself smaller, my thin body shaking into a sieve.
Yes, I was scared, terrified that they would hit me. The stepfather's voice was as fierce as the yama king of hell.
Later, whenever I heard this sound, I was nervous and overwhelmed. Over time, I developed a nervous breakdown, and until now, it has not completely remissioned.
His mother was even more miserable, his belt with green lines, wide and strong, and hit his mother with a hairball. There is a well in my yard and the water cannot be drunk. Once he almost dragged his mother into a well and tore his hair.
Usually, if you are not careful, you will open your mouth and scold people for several days. His signature action is to throw a fire and then slam the door and leave. My body trembled as the door shook.
I watched her brutally beat her mother but was powerless, and I was so young, so weak. In this brutal scene, I could not move and stood there like a wooden chicken.
So much so that long after I grew up, my IQ did not react and I was still in my childhood.
Those unspeakable shadows of childhood formed a solid wall in my heart, shutting out the good things in the world!
As you can imagine, as a primary school student, I have already had many thoughts of running away from home and looking for death.
The value of a woman lies in having a boy?
After many years of such a bad life, finally at the age of nine, I had a younger brother, which was in 1997.
The arrival of the younger brother has made the smoke of the family light a lot, and the mother has also reduced a lot of suffering because of the younger brother. So I think my mother cares a lot about my brother.
But I wasn't upset at all, because I loved my brother more than my own life. Not because my brother saved us, but simply because I liked it.
He stopped and stopped hitting people!
Not all because of my brother, but mainly because I was slapped by my uncle, almost scared to pee, and I didn't dare to do it again.
But I was in pain, I already knew that my uncle's slap was so good, why did I suffer so many years of sin?
Only because the mother never mentioned her experience to her family, perhaps she did not want to cause trouble for the family, so she risked being killed.
Hey, poor stupid woman!
After a lifetime of suffering, we finally separated
One morning, I received a message from my mother who was far away from home: I'm leaving, and I'll give you what you want at home.
My heart sank, and a bad premonition welled up in my heart, and my mouth was bitter.
I carefully asked why, and it turned out that she was leaving the house.
Finally separated, but after a beating, because of the brother's matter.
I haven't done it for many years, and it is true that the sword is not old" when I start it again!
The scars on my body after being beaten have videos, and I didn't dare to look at these "evidences" because I was afraid that I would not be able to resist going to the man desperately!
Almost sixty years old, in case of a good villain, how will my brother and I live?
I didn't go looking for my stepfather, but I didn't want to see him again. At this point in this life, I don't want to worry about his harm to me, and I don't want to participate in his old age.
Many years ago I calmly advised the two to separate, because I had seen through that they could never really reconcile, and I did not know whether they had resented me in their hearts at that time.
Neighbors who feel that I am heartless and unjust, I pray that you will not have such an experience in your lifetime.
Nothing, live again
The mother who left home went to a small city where her relatives, her sister, her nephews were there.
My mother's waist is not good, and she often hurts so much that she can't get out of bed, and she has old problems.
After adjusting for a while, she started her old business again, doing her small business.
She had been a small business all her life and hadn't saved much money.
Fortunately, she has this craft, and she can still live well on it.
In the past few years, I have encountered setbacks and challenges in life, and last summer, my depressed mood reached its peak, and I collapsed several times, leaving nothing to look forward to, and I did not want to die.
There is also a mother factor.
She told me, didn't she survive like this? I'm still young, and there's nothing I can't think of.
She's cowardly and strong!
She had gone through a trial that no one else had experienced in her life, and now it was all over.
After the grinding, she still faced it positively.
In the days to come, she could live her own peaceful life, away from those who had made her suffer.
As long as you are in a good mood and relaxed, nothing else matters.
It was a bit late but I thought it was worth it!