I have heard a saying: "Women marry themselves in the end, and happiness or not depends on you." ”
When I was young, I always thought that when I met someone who loved each other, I would definitely encounter happiness.
At a certain age, I gradually understood:
Whether you are happy or not, it doesn't have much to do with your partner, it's more up to you.
If you are well, the marriage will be smooth; if you are not living well, the marriage will not be very good.
In the final analysis, the biggest truth of marriage is that whoever you live with is actually with yourself.
Host Yang Lan once said:
"Marriage is a partnership to live a life, not who raises whom, and it is never marriage that can save you, but yourself." 」
Marriage has never been a relationship of salvation and salvation, it is not whose savior or refuge it is.
A woman, if she expects marriage to escape the pain of her original family or the misfortune of work and life, is doomed to be an empty basket.
An anonymous story was seen online:
The blogger was born in a patriarchal family, the mother favored the younger brother, but the younger brother did not argue, not only incompetent, but also all kinds of trouble.
The mother was distressed about her son, so she could only grievance her daughter, and she let her work in the big city regularly send money to the family and raise her brother and a family of three.
Overwhelmed, she is bent on marrying a rich man to change her destiny.
But marriage is not poverty alleviation, rich people are not stupid, they do not have a true heart for her, and they will not marry her.
It was hard to meet her high school classmates who really loved her, and the blogger was like grasping the life-saving straw, every time there was an accident at home, she would cry to her boyfriend and wait for him to solve it.
And their feelings, in this solution again and again, are exhausted.
It's a shame.
You know, good love and marriage should be the union of two independent individuals, not the redemption of one party to the other.
After all, no one in this world can really save your life except yourself.
The idea of pinning happiness on others and using marriage as a refuge in life is not very solid in itself.
Because, marriage is not a person's effort, feelings will change over time.
The former Sea Oath Mountain Alliance, to protect you for a lifetime, may also disappear and no longer take effect.
And only you, and you can only be yourself, can be responsible for your happiness and your life.
In the face of the storms of life, we must learn to hold an umbrella for ourselves, greet the future with an independent attitude, and meet a better self.
Qian Zhongshu wrote in "The Siege of the City":
"No matter who you marry, after you get married, you will always find that you are not marrying the original person, and you have changed to another one." 」
Some people say that marriage is the graveyard of love.
No matter how understanding a woman is, once she steps into marriage, she will become hateful;
In the same way, no matter how gentle and elegant a man is, once he steps into marriage, he will become angry and corrupt.
What do you do when the person in your marriage disappoints you so much, when the chicken feathers in your marriage exhaust you?
Is it divorce, change of person?
But if someone else gets married, will the marriage get better?
Watch a story with me:
The famous Hollywood superstar Elizabeth Taylor, whose marriage is as wonderful as her movies, has been married eight times in her life.
First marriage, divorced because of domestic violence by the husband;
The second time, she was violently pursued by the producers and chose to divorce.
The third time, just over a year after marrying a producer, her husband died in a plane crash.
The fourth time, he married his girlfriend husband, but fell in love with his husband;
……
The eighth time, he married a patient in the same hospital, a truck driver, but due to the disparity in status, he eventually ended in divorce.
Back to the question above: Will the marriage get better if someone else gets married?
If you are not satisfied with a marriage, but you do not think about repairing and running, but only think about a new marriage, the answer is definitely no.
Because, if you don't make any changes on your own, your next marriage will also be bad.
As the master of family therapy Hellinger said, "Divorce is not the solution to family problems." ”
Two people in a marriage, where are there no contradictions and no problems?
But if you divorce as soon as something goes wrong, you can't have true happiness no matter how many times you get married.
Because, the root of the problem is not in the marriage, nor in the person, but in you.
You don't have the ability to run a good marriage, and who you are with will not live happily ever after.
Liang Yong'an, a professor at Fudan University, shared a thought-provoking remark:
The person who really has love, or is most qualified to fall in love, is the one who has the ability to live alone in this world.
Only such a person has the ability to radiate out warmth, neither become the pressure and burden of others, nor will he be afraid of life without love.
In this life, no matter who we live with, we actually live with ourselves.
If you do not have the ability to live alone in this world, then even if you enter marriage, even if you are more than half a hundred years old, you will still not be able to achieve happiness and happiness.
Writing this, I think of my cousin from my aunt's family, who has been around her husband and children since she became pregnant and had a baby.
But after the child went to kindergarten, the home suddenly became much colder, and her heart suddenly became empty.
She wants to talk to her husband, but her husband is busy at work and has no time to take care of her mood;
She wanted to go out and work, but she didn't want to go with a low salary, and she couldn't get in with a high salary.
In this way, she began to become depressed, sighing and sighing all day, frowning bitterly.
During that time, she was in a particularly poor state, arguing with her husband at every turn, often getting angry because of a small matter, and feeling that the marriage was extremely bad.
Later story is that she followed the advice of a psychiatrist:
Get up early every day to run and release repressed emotions during exercise;
Place a few pots of flowers on the balcony to feel the vitality of life and the charm of the sun;
I also tried to get out of my own world and found a job as a shopping guide, although the salary was not high, but at least I could support myself.
When she has lived herself well, and then looks back at her life, her life has become smoother and her marriage has become much more harmonious.
The writer Liang Wendao said:
"Whether it is a man or a woman, if he does not have the ability to live his own life, then he does not have the ability to live a good life with others." 」
Marriage may seem like a journey for two people, but in the end it is a journey to perfect oneself.
You fix yourself, you live your life well, and your life will be much better, including life, including marriage.
Again, we in marriage, no matter who we live with, are actually with ourselves.
You can live well alone, and the marriage of two people is naturally not too bad.
With the ability to live a good life, at any time, happiness and beauty will come closer to you.
I've seen a passage:
Many people say that their marriage is unhappy, but in fact, they have wronged their marriage.
Most people are not unhappy in marriage, but they are not having a good life, just got married, so the marriage carries this pot.
4 sentences, to everyone who wants to live a good marriage:
1. Whoever you are, you will meet.
I like this passage:
If you like sports-loving sunshine boys, you often go to the gymnasium;
If you like boys who love photography, they will carry SLR to participate in various photography associations everywhere;
If you like to learn to be a bully, you will study hard to study for a doctorate.
Things are grouped into groups, and what kind of people you like, you should approach or become that kind of person.
Marriage seems to be marrying each other, but it is actually marrying oneself.
What kind of people you will attract, and what kind of people you will enter into marriage, is largely up to you to decide.
So, don't be humble for love, but learn to run yourself, let yourself stand on the same height as the person you love, and look up at the same sky.
2. There is no perfect partner in this world.
There is no one who has only advantages and no disadvantages.
In this world, there is no perfect marriage, and there is no perfect partner.
To get married is to live with a person's shortcomings, and if you can't accept his imperfections, then your marriage will not be happy.
It is better to look away from imperfection, try to accept his shortcomings, and focus on his goodness to you.
Marriage, sometimes, also needs to be "turned a blind eye" and needs to turn a blind eye.
3. Your principles may not apply to everyone.
We always say that changing oneself in marriage is God, and changing others is neurosis.
If you want to be happy in marriage, there is a bottom line that is, don't use your own principles to demand others.
Your principles work for you, but not necessarily for everyone.
What's more, everyone has their own life habits and preferences, and forcing others to change may only be self-defeating.
4. Only those who can live well can manage a good marriage.
What is the best state of marriage? It's two people who are good, and one person is not bad.
That is, you can also live well alone, without looking up and not relying on another person.
And people who can live well can also live a marriage.
Because the essence of any relationship is the relationship between oneself and oneself.
You live yourself well, and your marriage gets better.
In "Intimate Relationships", it is said: "Marriage is not a matter of two people, but a matter of one person." ”
In marriage, there is a truth that whoever lives with you is actually with yourself.
After all, marriage, although it is the coexistence of two people, is the practice of one person.
The premise of running a marriage well is to live well first.
Author | Carrie's sister, who has never given up love and freedom all her life.
Image | Visual China