Tips: This article is a total of 4342 words, the expected reading time is 6 minutes, the article was first published on the WeChat public account "Shenming Passing"
Last year, Big S ended his ten-year marriage to Wang Xiaofei, and instead of stumbling, as Little S said in the show, "becoming more and more beautiful, more and more confident, more and more happy, more and more radiant." ”。
Then Big S against the gossip, officially announced the marriage of his first love on Women's Day.
Dare to love, dare to love, independent and free, she got rid of the shackles of the world on divorced female stars, with gossip, malicious slander, in front of people quickly smoothed out emotional trauma, and with great courage to start a new life, independent and confident through the lonely tunnel in life.
Ordinary people may not have the courage and dashing of female stars with great wealth, but all the strength that dares to break through the shackles comes from their own solid foundation, which is the chip on the road of women stumbling to find love and the armor of not being hurt.
This reminds me of the story of my good friend Lang Yu who lost love, and she lived as the opposite of big S.
As a good girlfriend, in the process of doing my best to persuade and enlighten her, I, a person who has been a mother and fetus solo for more than twenty years, not only witnessed her mental journey, but also unexpectedly harvested the little-known true meaning of happiness behind the lost love.
After Lang Yu lost love, her boyfriend "seamlessly" announced the new love in a month, and she went to expose, to redeem, and was in pain, unable to extricate herself.
I tried to pull her at first, but I didn't know where to put my hand to catch her.
01
After the breakup, he worked seamlessly
Lang Yu and Dickie met through the school's confession wall, and after a month of knowing each other, they began to communicate, and they had a relationship of less than half a year before they broke up.
At that time, Lang Yu, who was preparing for the summer vacation, rented a house outside the school, and Dicky often went to Lang Yu's city to spend a good time together and plan a common future together.
Dickie told Lang Yu that he had sent a picture of his girlfriend to his family, and the family also liked it; he often said to Lang Yu: You are the best girl I have ever seen, and you will not break up in your life. And promised to take Lang Yu home for the New Year.
When Dickie decided to go to graduate school in September, he also said to Lang Yu, "The graduate school is for you." "Didn't think about it, full of anticipation of the future Lang Yu, was dumped, proposed to break up Dickie to delete Lang Yu all the network blackout.
In the month after the breakup, Lang Yu was still bent on changing herself and trying to save Dickie. After the breakup, Lang Yu found that When Dickie was in a relationship with himself for two months, he was still running a single person in the QQ space.
"On the day of the breakup, I collapsed on the ground, my hands trembling as I typed, and my tears kept flowing." During that month, she "often reflected on herself bitterly" and "woke up like a knife cut" at three or four o'clock in the morning...
We all need to understand a powerless truth: the world is not for you, you have to accept that there are some things that you can't get the desired result even if you try your best.
02
Write a small long article to expose him
Dickie once hugged Lang Yu when they broke up and said, "We have to stay up for a long time to get out of each other", but he refused to spend the run-in period with Lang Yu. The result?
Only a month after the breakup, Lang Yu knew through various channels that Dickie had officially announced the new joy and completely broke the defense.
"During my painful month, he was so seamless that he started riding a donkey to find a horse before they broke up." Lang Yu's heart ached, "I was just the other party's plaything. ”
With reluctance, Lang Yu told his experience of being scum in the tone of "my girlfriend". Xiao Changwen was sent to the school's confession wall by her. (The man named in the article is AA College Grade 19 Dickie)
In the small composition, lang yu's words are full of despair, pain, and accusations of being deeply betrayed:
"She gave you meticulous care, like a licking dog"
"She loves you to the dust and bravely pays for you, you can not love her but you don't want to hurt her." 」
It's not that promises aren't being kept, it's that promises are invalid
What is the promise that a lover once made? The promises and words that say love you are only valid when they love you. When there is no love, all promises are invalid. And the person who truly loves you will not easily make a commitment, and the commitment is not a proof of love for you, but a heavy responsibility on his shoulders.
03
And Dickie against the line
Because he no longer loved, Xiao Changwen burst out, not in exchange for Dickie's pity, introspection, and any apology, but a bitterly fabricated lie and angry accusations.
Dickie said: At the beginning, I said that the "official announcement" was false, so that you could get out quickly.
At first glance, I feel a little affectionate, is it really a big oolong? The flame of hope was rekindled in Lang Yu's heart, but it was extinguished in an instant.
Lang Yu thought, "If it is really to let me out, I should let me know, why did I delete and block me before it was officially announced." Lang Yu directly confronted him, And Dickie was even more anxious, and then changed his mouth and said, "This is my cousin, not my girlfriend, your girlfriend, this is slander, you know?"
Lang Yu sent a photo of Dickey's official Xuan Xinhuan to his sister, and found out that it was not a cousin.
Seamless truth
Regarding the truth of seamless connection, no one can say clearly, maybe it is riding a donkey to find a horse, maybe wearing a green hat, or maybe the other party is anxious to fill their own emptiness with the next relationship...
Any speculation and brainstorming will only plunge yourself into a vortex of hatred. But seamless people, who have not yet learned, reflected and grown in the last failed relationship, can't wait to invest in a new relationship, and it is inevitable that they will repeat the mistakes of the relationship and will not last long.
04
Resolutely not to clarify
In a hurry to clear himself up for the sake of his reputation, Dickie couldn't care less about loopholes. He was questioned by friends and perhaps insulted. Exposing his moral stain means that outsiders who do not belong to the relationship can also blame Dickie.
Three people become tigers, and people are fearful. Dickie said to Lang Yu:
"I really have no place to stay at AA College." "You know the crime of internet violence and slander, I don't want to do the last step", "This matter rises to a personal attack, and it hurts me a lot"...
Dickie asked Lang to clarify that "seamless connection is fictional." Lang Yu hoped that this was fake, but it was true, for her injury, he did not care at all, Lang Yu did not agree to clarify.
Dickie knew that Lang Yu would not be soft-hearted, and he would no longer "ask for extravagance", "This matter ends here, I don't need you to do anything." ”
Learn to "separate the subjects" and get out of the sinking of lost love
The trauma of lost love sometimes makes people hate from love, "because you bear me, so I want to retaliate against you" makes people believe that everything they do is reasonable, making people fall into a kind of seemingly reasonable huge sinking. But is it reasonable to inflict the hatred of your lost love, the hatred of the other party seamlessly, on the other person?
As Adler mentioned in "The Courage to Be Hated", the "separation of subjects", the pain of lost love that cannot be discharged is his own business, and has nothing to do with the other party. The seamless connection of the other party is also a private moral problem of the other party, and in order to reduce the pain of their own loss of love, they cannot ask the other party to be "firm" or ask the other party to pity.
Whether it is in love or in life, the sense of morality is to restrain oneself, not to restrain others. After the breakup of the person you don't love, you are destined to no longer be bound to each other, and you are destined to cross the barrier of lost love alone and move towards a new life. Without hope, there will be no disappointment.
05
Can't help but beg for money
Two weeks passed, and I came across an explanatory video about mind manipulation, and I casually shared the link with Lang Yu.
"I was so uncomfortable, I was scolded by him yesterday, because I was so ashamed to find someone else," Lang Yu said. I was shocked, why should she lick the dog?
Waking up at four or five o'clock in the morning every day and then lying in bed all day is her state during this time. "Obviously I know it's very scummy, but I still care so much" Lang Yu couldn't help but miss him. Finally, she cared about him twice through Dizzy's friends: "What's wrong with him lately?" This kind of wrong love, in my eyes, has an incomprehensible and empathetic "madness".
Lang Yu suddenly turned back and warmed up, in exchange for Di Qi's scolding sentence more than an ugly sentence:
"Why are you still bothering me?"
"I really hate you, and it's a really right to break up with you."
"The feeling I regret the most in my life is being with you, and I hate you."
Lang Yu was more heartbroken, things developed to this point, Lang Yu began to be afraid: "I dare not fall in love, I am afraid of meeting someone who hurts me again." He also began to doubt himself extremely: "Am I too much, am I not good enough." ”
"I grew up with my grandmother when I was a child, so I knew I was a loveless and insecure person." So she loved very deeply and very hard, until finally she was unwilling and psychologically unbalanced.
But "lack of love" is not an excuse. Others can clearly see the feelings, but Lang Yu is deeply trapped in it and cannot extricate himself. She is indeed so stupid that it is sympathetic and infuriating.
Heal the wounds first, then fall in love
In many people's love, the lover becomes a make-up for themselves. Just like Lang Yu said, he has lacked love since he was a child. Dickie's departure not only once again exposed the wound that had healed briefly, but also tore the wound apart, creating a new round of emptiness.
Therefore, what she really needs is to know the inner wound, to make it heal, to grow new branches and leaves in life, to obtain a more complete life, and then to love each other.
It is undeniable that love can sometimes heal wounds, but it is only the icing on the cake and going with the flow, and it should not rely on the self-healing of trauma and pin it on uncertain love. Love should not bear so many desires.
06
Can't put down the past
By chance, we came out to go shopping together. The moment I saw her take off her mask, I was shocked: there was almost no flesh on her face, only the outline of her melon face.
But she is inherently lively, and the depression transmitted on WeChat is different: from the cheerfulness of talking, to the smile on her ex, I am relieved that she is still normal.
The place we went shopping happened to be where she had great memories with her ex. Along the way, all she shared with me were their mixed memories:
"Once after we broke up here, I was so reluctant to cry in front of him, but he was looking at the phone..."
"When he was preparing for graduate school in September, I helped him prepare my political English materials..."
Throughout the day, she was so happy that she indulged in memories, and was able to repeat and count every word that Dickey had said.
Only by reflecting on the past can we live in the present
Whenever she took the trouble to recall Dickie's rhetoric, I began to have an illusion: if Dickie said that he wanted to reunite, Lang Yu would definitely plant a heel in it. All my persuasion and enlightenment seemed ineffective, she only cared about her own painful feelings, she only regretted her love and could not, but she did not care about the lessons and growth.
07
It turned out that she had "done" it
Because she rarely reflects, just indulges in pain, we have had a lot of ineffective communication, and the real effective communication happens at the end, and she starts talking about her own behavior instead of just talking about the scumbag's behavior; she begins to reflect on her mistakes, rather than hating why the scumbags didn't do what they said.
"What was the trigger for your breakup, he wouldn't have said break up for no reason, right?" At the end of the conversation, I asked her.
In fact, it was mentioned in December, and he also began to be cold and violent from there.
"On New Year's Day, he sent me Happy New Year on the hour and I kept asking for a video with him, even though he said it was inconvenient for his roommate to sleep. But I really wanted to see him, so we had an unpleasant time. He finally said: Do you feel happy? Break up if you're not happy. ”
Lang Yu said, "I often like to stick to him, and I will be unhappy if he ignores me." ”
"During the period of examination and research review, I often looked for him to chat with me, he said to review, I also let him coax me" Lang Yu seems to regard boys as the whole of life, even more important than the examination. I understand that she has lost herself in excessive giving.
Lang Yu also thought that she had given so much wholeheartedly, and all her small wishes should be fulfilled. "You like to stick to him, but you also have to consider his feelings." I say.
Lang Yu thought that true love was to accommodate all her little temper and give equal rewards, "As a result, I like to buy him things, but he rarely buys them for me." ”
"Did he tell you he didn't like you like that?" I asked.
"He said that liking doesn't have to be measured by giving things; he doesn't know how to reciprocate when I buy so many things; he says let me have my own things to do, don't have to be so clingy... But I just liked him at the time, and I couldn't do wow. ”
"Then he's not at all nice to you?" I asked
"Once, when I couldn't memorize politics, he called to take me to endorse it, and I still felt very annoyed, and actually scolded him..."
In fact, the total collapse of this relationship, the woman is also at fault. The reason why Lang Yu only told others about the scumbag's behavior of failing her, and never mentioned that she had been wrong, may be because of "cognitive dissonance", which hindered her reflection on herself.
He's at fault, but so are you
After the girl breaks up, the boy is easily labeled: either "licking the dog" or "scumbag". This obscures the essential reason for the failure of feelings. Hurt, she can only make herself feel better by constantly uglying the boy, telling herself that it is all his fault, and not daring to face her own mistakes.
However, once you really realize that you do have a problem, otherwise the scumbag will not break up, you will begin to fully doubt your fault, "feel that you are not doing well enough", and thus fall into the other extreme.
If it is said that falling in love is a compulsory course in life, when you lose love, you do not run away, but correct your mistakes, so that you can become a "learning bully" who improves yourself in this course, rather than a scarred "scum".
08
Be yourself
At this point, I believe that the boy has indeed paid for her, otherwise Lang Yu would not have loved so deeply. It's just that those good ones are not some concrete actions, such as buying something valuable, so that she can't say it, or maybe it can be selectively forgotten by Lang Yu.
Lang Yu said: "He wanted to be himself and persuaded me to be myself, so he broke up with me. "This is the most valuable thing I have ever heard in the whole experience of Lang Yu.
She sent me a screenshot of the conversation with the man when she broke up. I was finally able to see the man's perspective.
Dickey said:
"In this relationship, I am not disappointed in you, it is that I am unhappy, I feel physically and mentally exhausted, what you brought to me, I have always remembered in my heart, you have done your best." Unlike me, I've always been in a state of guilt, which is unfair to you, so I want to leave, which is acceptable to you, but for me I can't accept that I'm doing this to you.
"I'll think about you too, but my way is not right, I've lost myself, I'm living in feelings of guilt. I think it's really liberating for me to leave, I don't want to be so uncomfortable, every time I see you like this I feel guilty for a long, long time..."
True love is gratuitous, and love is wrong before it is not equal
Lang Yu complained that "I am so good to him, why do I have to break up". As everyone knows, her pay is secretly marked with a price, and the boy can't stand such a "price", and such a payment is a "burden". Because no matter how the boy pays, as long as it is not what Lang Yu wants, she can't feel the "reciprocal love" in any way.
Perhaps both parties are giving for free at the beginning, and in the process of experiencing love, but once the problems are exposed in the process of getting along, the contradictions that are difficult to bridge surface, they will be more inclined to think for their own sake, consider whether it is worth paying, and then consider whether the payment is equal. After all, the essence of loving people is to love themselves.
Apocalypse of Lost Love
As an outsider, I may never be able to see the full picture of the couple's relationship. The only thing that can be seen clearly is the unbearable and painful that is difficult to dispel after Lang Yu lost love.
Professor Liang Yongan of Fudan University said in a love class that nothing can replace human love, because it constructs a kind of integrity of life, so lost love is the most vast loneliness. Everyone will go through a tunnel stage, loneliness is your tunnel stage, when you walk through the tunnel once, and then face the dark area of new life, there will be a power in the heart to cross it.
The loneliness caused by the loss of love, whether it brings people a powerful force to re-pursue life, or a stagnant sinking, depends on whether you can let the wounds in your life heal themselves, and finally spend a strong and free tunnel through the tunnel of loneliness.
Professor Liang Yong'an's words encourage everyone: "Sometimes in life, don't avoid loneliness, when you are lonely, you feel why I am lonely, and you are busy escaping." You must cherish this period of your loneliness, once you have gained independent survival, obtained your own content, and obtained the solidity of life in loneliness, you have truly become a person who can bear love in this world. ”
If people are more enthusiastic about running their own love than they love, once they are emotionally broken with the object, they will fall into great loneliness and pain. And only by finding the things that you love in your heart can you find the motivation for life and grasp love.
Instead of being like Lang Yu, thinking that he met Dickie who was good to him in a short period of time, he thought it was true love, and even the whole of life.
【The article was first published on the WeChat public account "Shenming Passing"】
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