Yesterday we talked about the end of relationships – the sense of community, seeing others as partners, thinking about what we can do to others, and finding our place in society, but is that all?
Young people recognize the concept of a sense of community, and another topic follows, how to build a sense of community? What can I do to stop clinging to myself and start caring for others? For this question, let's first look at why people care so much about themselves.
Do you often have such thoughts: do not dare to express opinions in front of people, afraid that you will be too stupid to speak by others; do not dare to make small jokes in front of people, afraid of leaving a bad impression on others; do not dare to go out after doing wrong things, tangled in your heart for a long time, afraid of others pointing fingers at yourself. The above ideas are all excessive self-awareness, and their essence is that they have no confidence in themselves and dare not show their true selves in front of people.
How can you be your true self? The answer given by the philosophers is to transform attachment to oneself into concern for others, from self-acceptance and trust to the contribution of others, to establish a sense of community. There are three new concepts here.
First, let's look at what self-acceptance is. On the first night of the debate between the youth and the philosophers, Adler's words were mentioned: "What matters is not what is given, but how to use what is given." We must accept the objective status quo and then use the objective status quo to change. Specifically, even if the objective status quo is not good, there are some things that we can't do at present, so we honestly accept that this is not good or we can't do it ourselves, and on this basis, we will work hard in the direction of being able to do it.
Self-acceptance is different from self-affirmation, the self is definitely unable to do it, but also implies that it can do it, which is lying to yourself, and it is easy to breed superiority complex. Everyone wants to pursue progress, but we must also seek truth from facts, distinguish between "what can be changed" and "what cannot be changed", give up "what cannot be changed", and pay attention to "what can be changed", that is, self-acceptance, that is, certainty.
Second, let's look at what is trust in others. Self-acceptance allows us to see things clearly, but to transform focusing on ourselves into caring for others, trust in others is the key. When trusting others, no conditions are attached.
Isn't this purity inconceivable, and should others fail us and believe as always? Yes, we still have to continue to believe. There are two reasons: first, if the relationship between people is based on "doubt", life is full of doubts, we can not establish positive interpersonal relationships, only by choosing unconditional trust, we can build a deeper interpersonal relationship; second, others fail us, we give up believing, this is not trust, but credit, just like the bank provides credit because you have the ability to repay, from the perspective of subject separation, other people's trust is their own subject, and the decision not to betray is the subject of others.
To be clear, Adler psychology does not make us believe in all people unconditionally. The trust of others is the way to do a good job in interpersonal relationships and build horizontal relationships, provided that you want to establish a deep relationship with the other party, if the other party is always betrayed, you can also choose to cut off the relationship, so whether to establish a relationship with the other party is your own subject, you can choose.
In interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to base your trust in each other, otherwise you cannot establish a deep relationship with anyone. For example, in love, you suspect that the other party is not single-minded, this idea will appear from time to time, the tone of the other party and the opposite sex, you feel ambiguous, the other party does not reply to the message in time, you feel that he does not value himself, all of which becomes evidence of "non-single-mindedness", such a relationship will not last, let alone be deep.
Trusting others requires overcoming the fear of betrayal, where does courage come from? It is self-acceptance, seeing that trusting others is what you can do, and accepting the betrayal of others is something you can't change. If we want to see others as partners, we must separate the subjects and build trust on this basis, otherwise we will always be suspicious and unable to build a sense of community.
Then, let's talk about the third concept— the contribution of the other. Be self-accepting and trusting of others, and others are partners to us. Influencing and contributing to others as partners is the contribution of others. The contribution of the other is not a sacrifice to complete others, but a means of manifesting self-worth.
It is common for us to work in society as a manifestation of the contribution of others. We work in the company, contributing our wisdom and labor to the realization of the company's goals, while receiving remuneration and embodying our own value. At this time, the company is a community, our labor is valuable to the work of colleagues, valuable to the realization of the company's business objectives, we have a sense of belonging to the company.
At this point we will elaborate on self-acceptance, the trust of others and the contributions of others, all three of which are one and the same. Only by accepting yourself first can you achieve "other trust" without fear of betrayal; only by trusting others and treating others as partners can you achieve "other contribution"; you can contribute to others, feel your own value, and then accept your true self and achieve "self-acceptance".
On the third day, we discussed the goals proposed by Adler's psychology – the behavioral and psychological aspects of people. Self-acceptance is related to the goal of behavior—self-reliance, and mental goal—I have the ability to relate; the trust of the other, the contribution of the other, and the goal of behavior—to social coexistence, and to the psychological goal—everyone is my partner' consciousness. Combining the two, we can deeply appreciate the ultimate goal of life as a sense of community.
Understanding the sense of community and knowing how to build a sense of community, whether you can really do it, will you have the following worries:
If you accept this self with many shortcomings and imperfections, is it that the beautiful dream is far away?
The world is very complicated, people's hearts are separated, do you really have the courage to believe in others without conditions?
Self-acceptance and trust in others are difficult, but do not judge things as a whole in a general way. As in the example of excess self-consciousness mentioned above, the reason for not daring to speak in front of people is because they are afraid that others will laugh at the speech without value, in fact, the mockers are only a minority, because this small number of mockers think that everyone is laughing, which is partial generalization.
Remember the standards of behavior and the standards of existence that we discussed yesterday? Accept yourself with the standard of existence, start from existence to do the addition of life, replace the attachment to yourself with the concern for others, and then contribute to others and reflect your own value. This kind of contribution can be a visible behavior, or it can be a subjective feeling that is useful to others - a sense of contribution, happiness is a sense of contribution, so everyone can get happiness, but it seems that not everyone is happy.
Why does happiness seem simple and many people are unhappy? This question is about the meaning of life. Living in the world, what kind of life is meaningful and happy. Adler's answer is that there is no universal meaning of life, and the meaning of life is given to oneself.
Some people think that it is necessary to become an inventor like Edison, or a scientist like Einstein, or an artist like Mozart, and life is meaningful. But genius is after all a minority, most are ordinary people, ordinary people's lives are destined to be ordinary, but ordinary does not equal incompetence, ordinary does not equal bad, we need to accept the true self, and have the courage to be willing to be ordinary. If you blindly pursue "special existence" and transcend "ordinary", if you can't reach it, you will fall into a superiority complex or an inferiority complex, and drift away from happiness.
Recently, the TV series "The World of Man" is very popular, the protagonist Zhou Bingkun is the most ordinary one in the family, did not enter a prestigious university, nor did he enter a very cattle unit, but he is industrious, kind and filial, and is the happiest one in life. Because his life is full of fireworks, serious and real.
A meaningful life requires ambitious goals, but the real life is in the present, because what happened in the past has nothing to do with the here and now, and what will happen in the future is not a question to consider at this moment. The biggest lie in life is not to live in the here and now, to be bound by past experiences and unable to change, or to live in the imagination of the future. Life is a continuous moment, and each moment has a state of completion. Therefore, to live this moment conscientiously is meaningful, valuable, and happy.
At this point, we have finished reading the book "The Courage to Be Hated", and now we will take you back to what we have learned in these six days.
On the first day, we introduced the background of the creation of this book and the two authors, based on Adler's philosophical ideas, using the form of dialogue between youth and philosophers to help readers find the key to freedom and happiness - the courage to be hated, to get rid of the shackles of the past, the shackles of interpersonal relationships, the shackles of the future, to live every moment of life seriously, to feel their own value, to contribute to others, so as to obtain a happy life.
The next day, starting with the first topic of the youth-philosopher debate, we distinguished Freud's causalism from Adler's teleology and concluded that "man can be changed." Some people think that they can't change because they don't want to change, and there are benefits in the original way of life, but this benefit is still unfortunate. To be happy, you need to change, and it takes a lot of courage to choose your lifestyle again, because changing the trajectory of your life will face all kinds of unknowns and risks. Life is not smooth sailing, so courage is crucial.
On the third day, we raise the question of human value through the pervasive sense of inferiority, which must be established in a social sense, thus arguing that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships. To clear away the troubles of interpersonal relationships, we must throw away the lies of life, face the problems of life, complete self-reliance, and live in harmony with others.
On the fourth day, we discussed how to gain freedom in life, first of all, to get rid of the desire for approval, although it is easier to live on the track laid by the parents, but it is impossible to satisfy the parents. Moreover, from the perspective of life topics, going to school, working, getting married and having children are all children's subjects, parents can give advice and provide help, but whether to accept suggestions or not, accept help is the child's choice. If parents impose their will on their children, they are interfering in their children's lives, so the separation of subjects is crucial.
On the fifth day, we discussed the end of relationships: the sense of community. When dealing with your own life issues, you must also care about others and think about what you can do to others, so that you can find your own place in society and have a sense of belonging. How do you care about others? We can't interfere, let alone use praise or criticism to manipulate, but to form a horizontal relationship on the basis of the separation of topics, and encouragement will make people feel valuable. People feel that they have value to have courage, existence is valuable, life should start from existence to do addition.
The sixth day, today's content, mainly discusses the two topics of "what is happiness" and "the meaning of life". Replace attachment to oneself with concern for others, build a sense of community through self-acceptance, trust in the other and contributions to others, and happiness can be attained with a sense of contribution; life has no universal meaning, this meaning is given by oneself, do not be bound by the past and the future, cherish the present, because we can only live in the present moment. Do a good job in this moment, every moment in life is wonderful.
"On paper to finally feel shallow, absolutely know that this matter must be done", everyone's learning can not just stay in the stage of reading and listening, "The Courage to Be Hated" is a tool book for self-discovery and self-healing, Adler's various concepts of psychology are contrary to common sense, will sting our long-numb nerves, refresh our cognition, it is a good medicine for a happy life, must be used, recognize and accept the real self.
Under the guidance of Adler psychology, I believe that you will choose freedom, choose happiness, although the road ahead is long, confused and difficult, but with such a guiding star as "other contribution", you will not be lost, this road must be accompanied by friends, accompanied by happiness. The world changes, starting with every ordinary you.