01
How do you describe Xu Anjie?
He had a joyful face, small eyes smiling and crooked, and sincerity in his joy.
I met him on July 29, 2019.
That year, I was a junior in Urumqi.
In the summer, I took my classmates back to my hometown of Shihezi to see the desert.
Xu Anjie is a driver and tour guide at the scenic spot, with long, messy hair.
When I paid the fare at the end of the game, I added his WeChat, thinking that I could find him next time I played.
I just didn't expect that my life would change since then.
02
Xu Anjie was born in 1985, a full 12 years older than me.
If 35 is the dividing line between middle age and youth, then he is only one step away.
People, when I am a little older, I like to feel life with my juniors.
Xu Anjie crackled in WeChat, telling his entrepreneurial history.
Developed, failed, and now comeback, open a small tourism company.
He is a small boss, but when he is too busy, he also works part-time as a tour guide and driver.
Out of courtesy, I occasionally returned him, but most of the time, I let him fool around.
Once, my good friend saw it and said strangely, Yo, do you still have contact with this driver uncle?
I said, I have never seen the world, learn to learn about society.
I'm telling the truth.
I was born in 1997 to very traditional parents and strict discipline.
From childhood to adulthood, I studied step by step and never came into contact with society.
Suddenly, there is such a person who comes to you and tells you his real entrepreneurial history, which is better than a novel.
I envy Xu Anjie's unfettered freedom.
03
After sending off my friends, I stayed in Shihezi for the summer vacation.
A little bored, I want to take advantage of the holidays to work to make some money, but I have no experience and am afraid of being cheated.
Talking to Xu Anjie about this. He quickly put me in touch and found a front desk that was not too tired and paid too low.
So, we had a second meeting.
On WeChat before, I teased him, his hair is too long, so greasy.
Unexpectedly, he actually cut it all and replaced it with clean and neat short hair.
Obviously, he was serious about my ridicule, and the greasy uncle instantly became a spiritual big brother.
I said, how did it change?
He said, "Whatever, I'm doing this."
He looked at me and smiled, his eyes bent into two small crescents. For a moment, I thought he was quite handsome.
04
On the days of part-time work, Xu Anjie often came to see me.
Sometimes, snacks will be brought to me. Sometimes, he would take me to dinner.
The fools all saw that he was chasing me.
And I was a little bit moved.
Maybe the boys of the same age that the school met were more sensitive and squeamish than the girls. After all, our generation is used to being in the family, and no one wants to hold anyone.
Xu Anjie is different.
I like the faint jianghu atmosphere in him, talking and doing things, mature and stable. It's not at all comparable to the hairy boys in school.
And his concern for me is silent.
On a sunny afternoon, he would consciously block the side of the sun and give me a little shade.
Eating out, I will burn the dishes and chopsticks before giving them to me.
Too many tiny details, sprinkled in the daily gathering, slowly there is a chemical reaction.
05
Before the start of school, I took the initiative to invite Anjie to dinner.
He happily answered the appointment.
At the end of a meal, he bent his eyes and smiled beautifully, like a cute and thick little animal.
Somehow, I was a little embarrassed to extricate myself from such a smile.
This may be the charm of a mature uncle.
They have read all the prosperous things in the world and understand the withering of a hundred flowers.
They are like old wines, fragrant but not greasy, strong but not rushed.
I gradually became a little addicted.
After eating, Xu Anjie and I were walking on the street of Shihezi when we passed by a small couple.
And he suddenly took my hand and said somewhat incoherently, that... I like you, but I'm 12 years older than you, and I don't know if that's right.
I was amused by his words.
Instead of breaking free of his hand, I smiled and said, "Then try it."
I must admit that I like Xu Anjie, it seems that there is no special reason, staying with this person, my whole body and mind are happy.
This year I am 22 years old, or the age when I can love without asking the reason or the result.
Anyway, on this day, I was with Xu Anjie.
On WeChat, chat every day. When he was busy, he would also drive to Wushi to see me.
Take me to taste food I haven't eaten and care about my living.
As soon as the weather forecast said to cool down, he would ask me if the quilt was thick enough to buy a new one.
Our family has three children, and I am the second oldest.
Growing up, I never enjoyed such a pampering.
I became obsessed with his pampering of me.
On the days when I don't meet, I will miss the smell of tobacco on him, the wisps of it, wrapped around my heart, lingering.
06
Eleven holidays, I can't wait to go back to Shihezi.
The next day, I went to see Xu Anjie.
He drove and took me for a ride.
We had a great time, and it was late afternoon before we got back to his little company.
But just as I was getting out of the car, something suddenly happened that I couldn't imagine.
A little boy saw us, came over, and timidly shouted to Xu Anjie, Dad.
I was stunned!
Turning his head and looking at Xu Anjie in surprise.
And he smiled awkwardly, and his face instantly turned red.
He said, I... It's not deliberately trying to hide from you, it's just that I haven't found the right opportunity to tell you.
07
In fact, looking back, Many of Xu Anjie's ways of caring about me are obviously experienced men with children.
It was on that day that I reacquainted myself with Xu Anjie.
It turned out that he had married very early and had a son in 11 years.
Three years ago, the couple's investment in the farm failed. Forced to sell the house to pay off the debt.
At that time, in order to split the debt, he and his ex-wife agreed to divorce falsely.
But I didn't expect that my ex-wife faked the drama and really did it, not only cleared up the debt on her body, but also took the money from the sale of the house and went directly back to her hometown.
Xu Anjie's parents are there, and he has an older sister.
In the past two years, he has slowly struggled, not only to pay off the debt, but also to start a new career.
In order to prove that what he said was not false, he showed me all the text messages on his mobile phone and his ex-wife.
It was all prayer, and he hoped that even if his ex-wife did not remember the old love of husband and wife, she would take into account the love of mother and son, and not do such a desperate thing.
And the ex-wife's reply, sentence by sentence, there is a sentence that even I, an outsider, feel cold when I look at it.
She said, can you and your son stop pestering me, that little house money is not enough to compensate my youth. Don't look for me in the future.
08
To be honest, I didn't blame Xu Anjie too much for hiding it.
Because I've never asked either.
At that time, I was still a student-style view of love. Asking about his past, it was as if he were spying on his privacy.
And I was prepared in my heart. At his age, it was strange that he had never been married.
I just didn't expect him to have such a big son.
Xu Anjie's son is called Xu Xiaoqiu.
Xu Anjie said that he had taken a small ball to the mainland to find his ex-wife. Because the son thinks hard about his mother.
But the ex-wife's face was not revealed, and even his own son did not want to look at it.
The ball has since been hit, and her personality has become sensitive and fragile.
I am a teacher training student and have seen many cases of failed homeschooling.
When XiaoQiu's mother left, it was when he first understood the world, and he still had unlimited trust and dependence on maternal love.
The first time I spoke to Xiao Qiu, the timidity and resistance on his face made me feel painful in an instant.
09
Xu Anjie asked me if we could still...
I said, why can't I, I just want to be honest with me in the future.
He looked at me, small eyes, unable to hide the touched starlight.
He said, rest assured, I will never fail you in this life.
I asked him, you have been hurt so deeply by women, are you not afraid that I will lie to you?
He said, I know you're good. When I first met, I was willing to listen to my nagging in WeChat and would reply to me. Someone else had already blocked me.
He's a very lonely man.
In the vast sea of people, all passers-by, can not find a person to listen to his story.
I leaned lightly on his shoulder and for the first time felt our hearts so close.
10
After my friends learned that Xu Anjie had children in divorce, they all thought I was stupid and reminded me not to be deceived by old men.
But I think Xu Anjie is a man who has been proven by feelings.
At the lowest point of his life, he remained generous and kind.
I believe that today, after hard work, he will only cherish the happiness in his hands more.
In fact, I was right.
Xu Anjie is really good to me, so good that he takes care of it.
At the end of 2019, the outbreak began. Masks are hard to come by. Xu Anjie drove me around the city to search for me.
But whenever I bought epidemic prevention supplies, he would definitely send me to the school across the city and instruct me to do a good job of disinfection.
My roommate quipped to me, did your boyfriend raise you as a daughter?
Sometimes I think about it, maybe too.
He has been carrying a small ball alone for so many years, and the way of love is inevitably like an "old father".
But no way, I like it.
I liked that he treated me like a pearl in his hand and cared for me hard.
My love affair with Xu Anjie soon warmed up.
Especially under the epidemic situation, the two people are gathered more closely.
At the worst, he would still do a good job of disinfection and protection, and come to the school every three or five times to see me. I couldn't even eat outside, just to hold hands with me.
At that moment, he was like a young man with a warm heart, wrapping me in a strong, grand passion.
11
However, Xu Anjie and I also have a hurdle that cannot be turned over.
Although I haven't mentioned it yet, I know it in my heart.
That's my parents.
He was 12 years older than me, divorced, and with kids. Just think about it, and if you want to pass it, it's hard.
Xu Anjie offered to go to my house first to meet him.
But I'm afraid.
In essence, I was still a student mentality, and it was difficult to fight against my parents for a while. I could only let him press first.
It's summer and I'm graduating.
Looking for a job was very anxious, and Xu Anjie ran with me.
He would give me advice, analyze the pros and cons, and finally choose a school in Karamay.
Just because that school was better for me.
I asked him, what will I do in the future? It's been parted.
He said, you are the center of gravity of our family. Wherever you go, I go.
I was struck by the phrase "our family".
I was planning to buy a marriage house when I joined the job and my job stabilized.
I have a certificate, I have a house, and I propose to my parents again.
But the plan didn't change quickly.
One day, when Xu Anjie and I were holding hands and shopping, I was bumped by my mother.
Everything I imagined as resistance, overwhelmingly pressing down.
12
I was dragged home by my mom and interrogated repeatedly.
Who are the men? How did you meet? When I learned of Xu Anjie's conditions, my mother was anxious, scolded me for being stupid, and persuaded me to divide.
My dad came back, heard that I had found a man who was 12 years older, blew up, and came up and gave me two slaps.
And I became more and more stubborn, firmly believing that I had found a home for my life, and would never compromise.
My dad couldn't twist me, so he locked me in the house, found friends and relatives, and took turns attacking me.
From being stupid to being unfilial, all kinds of charges were taken down and forced me to break up.
I always thought I was a cheerful girl, but after half a month, I began to be depressed.
Every day when I wake up, I want to cry, and I can't contact Xu Anjie, which makes me more anxious.
My spirits were broken, like a castle made of sand drowning in the great waves of the rising tide.
One morning, my mom brought me food, and I said, give me the phone, and I share it with him.
13
Hearing Xu Anjie's voice on the phone, my tears couldn't stop falling.
He is the one who has gone through the wind and waves. He told me not to be in a hurry and to listen to the family.
He agreed to break up.
I said, let's have a breakup dinner.
He hesitated and said, "Okay."
We made an appointment at a restaurant that we frequented.
His voice on the phone had always been calm, but when they met, they found that both of his eyes were swollen.
He must have been crying, but he wouldn't admit it. He also smiled hard at me and said thank you for giving him the opportunity to be a boyfriend.
I sat in my private room and cried desperately.
I said, either you take me with you and don't come back.
He shook his head and said, don't do stupid things, men can change, but family members can't. I have children myself, and if the ball were to do this to me one day, I would go crazy.
I really had no choice but to cry.
That night, my mother looked at me depressed and was distressed.
Because she listened to me, Xu Anjie made me respect my family and felt that his mind was still right.
So she called my dad behind my back and asked Xu Anjie out.
They met in the small square.
I followed suit.
It was the end of August, and it was late afternoon in Xinjiang, and it was a little cold to sit outside.
Xu Anjie ran to buy two bottles of drinks.
One bottle was poured out, hot water was changed, I was warmed, and a bottle of warm water was given to my mother to drink.
They talked for a long time that day, and when my mother came back, she let me go.
In fact, the longer I immersed myself in marriage, the more I could appreciate the preciousness of those subtle stubs on Xu Anjie's body.
My mom told me at night that he seemed to be the one who could give you happiness. Your dad's side, let's do the work slowly.
In this way, under the cover of my mother, I secretly talked about underground love with Xu Anjie.
14
At that time, I was not yet employed at work.
I often run to Xu Anjie's house to watch him and xiao qiu. We cooked together, cleaned up the house together, watched TV together, and even went out on a threesome.
There was no way, knowing the injuries that Xiao Qiu had suffered, I was reluctant to leave him alone at home.
And the small ball, also visible to the naked eye, has become cheerful.
He liked me liked me like my little tail. He called me sister and never changed his mouth.
His father said, is this a bad generation?
I said, what's wrong, I call you Uncle Xu on the line.
Watch the hilarious little ball on the side, laugh haha.
In September, I joined the school in Karamay.
Xu Anjie, who stayed behind in Shihezi, launched an all-out offensive against our family, delivering good cigarettes and good wine to the door every New Year's Festival.
Sometimes fate is like this, once you turn the threshold, everything becomes smooth.
Xu Anjie's family has several small fragrant pigs. During the Spring Festival of 21 years, he washed the pigs and sent a whole head to my house.
My mom was impressed by his straight personality.
And although my father looked disgusted, at least he did not drive him out of the house with pigs.
In the next year, my brother is going to become a soldier.
Handling materials is a hassle, and my dad hasn't been able to handle it a few times.
Xu Anjie knew and gave my brother all the balance.
That time, it really made my dad change his mind.
Men, can stand up to things, love their wives, what is bad?
Soon, Xu Anjie was going to buy a new house.
He called and asked my mother if she could register first so that the room book could write my name.
Usually my mother listens to my father for important things. But that day, I made a plan and gave me the hukou book.
15
I don't know why, when I went to the Civil Affairs Office to register, I kept shedding tears, as if I had gone through a thousand sails to usher in happiness.
Xu Anjie teased me and said, look at what you did, I don't know, I thought we were coming to divorce.
I rolled my eyes at him, murdered him, and said what?
He slapped himself in the mouth and said, Oh, we're going to lock up for the rest of our lives, and we're going to grow old with white heads.
That's when we started preparing for the wedding.
In the summer of 2021, Xu Anjie arranged a wedding trip for me.
It is a self-driving trip, but also a wedding dress.
We took the ball and the whole wedding dress team along the Duku Highway, shooting as we went.
Finally, I arrived at Sailim Lake, and took the most beautiful photos of my life in the background of the morning sun and the lake.
Xu Anjie looked at me and smiled involuntarily, his eyes bent and squinted into a slit.
The photographer teased him, can you control it, after shooting, look at his wife and laugh, otherwise the eyes will be gone.
And Xu Anjie laughed even deeper.
In fact, Xu Anjie loves self-driving travel and has been planning to take me on a long trip, only because the epidemic has limited it.
On the way back, we were still imagining that we would go to Janbulak in the future, and it was beautiful.
The little ball is arguing next to him, be sure to take him.
The balls changed so much back then. No more of the first thing I saw, the sensitive autistic child.
He likes to laugh, likes to make trouble, likes to get caught between me and Xu Anjie, and make a light bulb.
In September 2021, I went to buy a ring and three golds.
The new house is also almost ready.
The epidemic has been repeated, so that the indoor part of our wedding dress has not yet been filmed, and we are planning to make up for the winter vacation.
My dad knew about my registration and complained twice that my mom hadn't told him first, even if it was passed.
So after several twists and turns, the wedding that belonged to me was finally coming. The life that belonged to me and Xu Anjie's old husband and wife is finally coming.
16
But there was no more chance.
I sat in the spiritual hall, shaking my hands, to tell me and Xu Anjie's story.
Yes, Xu Anjie's Spiritual Hall.
I lost Xu Anjie forever.
It was the third weekend of December 2021, and Xu Anjie came to see me from Shihezi with a small ball.
We were a family of three, went shopping, bought, and played all day.
I feel like I'm getting more and more able to bring in the role of mom.
The 19th is Sunday, and the next day, Xiaoqiu still has to go to school. After breakfast, Xu Anjie took him home.
From Karamay to Shihezi, it is more than 2 hours.
I packed up the dishes and waited for the grandfather to report that he was safe.
As a result, I got a call from The Ball, and he cried over there and said, "We... There was a car accident. Dad is gone.
Even if the white flower is in front of me, I can't react, it's true.
I thought about saying goodbye to him over and over again in my head.
So normal, so ordinary, how to kiss the cheek, can never come back.
I was about to have a lively wedding with him, and how it had become a silent spiritual hall with white flags.
But Xu Anjie, really gone. Not a single word left.
Xiao Qiu said that it was because Xu Anjie went to the co-pilot's bag to get snacks for him.
I hugged the ball tightly and cried bitterly.
I regret it to death.
I was afraid they would get hungry on the road and packed a bag of snacks in the co-pilot. If I hadn't put that bag, if Xu Anjie hadn't unwrapped that bag, maybe nothing would have happened.
Usually, he always laughs at Xu Anjie for being "old", but in fact, he is still so young.
He still had so many unfinished plans and hopes in his heart.
For example, to have a wedding with me in a beautiful way, such as to live a life of fireworks with me.
For example, give The Ball a sister. For example, grow old with me.
But all of a sudden, there was none.
That's how he stayed in 2021.
In my life in 2022, there will be no more of him.
When I built the spiritual hall, I found that Xu Anjie's photos were few and even fewer good-looking.
So I cut off my wedding dress on the shores of Lake Selim and took a picture of him.
In the morning sun, he smiled so brightly that his eyes could not see.
It was the most beautiful picture of his life.
17
These days, the ball keeps up with me, silently not speaking.
He witnessed the whole process of his father's car accident, and the shadow in his heart was terrible.
He was an introverted child, just out of autism, but he suffered such a heavy blow.
Ball's grandparents and aunt were willing to adopt him.
But in the end I wanted to hear his thoughts.
His aunt asked him who you would like to spend with.
The little ball looked up at me and said, I want my sister.
Everyone was a bit surprised.
I looked into the little ball's eyes and the tears fell.
He didn't have a mother anymore, and he probably found the warmth of his mother from me.
I hugged him and said, "Well, you'll follow me later."
Some people say that I am not stupid, only in my 20s, I grabbed a 10-year-old oil bottle.
I just can't resist a child.
Between people and people, there is a matter of fate.
My relationship with Xu Anjie is very short, so let me guard his son for him.
Xiao Qiu's grandmother and aunt both felt overwhelmed, and they said that when the child was older, they would let him come back.
Let's wait for the future.
The future or the unexpected does not know which will come first.
Then follow your heart now, seriously love the world, and love the people in front of you.