Zhihu asks:
Tonight I had a fight with my father, I cried uncomfortably for a night, the background of the story is that I failed the civil service exam, and my cousin found me a job, but I was slow to make up my mind to choose.
After graduating from college last year, my job has not been smooth, and I was persuaded by my family to take the civil service examination during the New Year, and as a result, I was finally brushed off after entering the interview. Now I have entered a period of confusion, I don't know what else I can do, everyone says let me take the judicial examination, let me take the civil service examination next year, let me find a job now, and study while working... Their advice sounds so reasonable and so correct, but why is my heart always running away, I don't know what I really want, I don't know what I really want to do...
When I was a child, the first exam of the first grade made me a celebrity at once, everyone praised me, I became a model student, became a good child, and since then, every exam in the class must be me first. In this way, until the sixth grade, every time the new teacher asked who was the best in your class, everyone would answer my name in unison, but I don't know when I wanted to escape this feeling more and more.
In the second half of the sixth grade, I transferred to another school, completely unfamiliar environment, leaving friends who grew up and left me at a loss. I went from a little star to an ordinary student who didn't dare to say anything, and I was even ostracized. I don't know if it was from then on, I slowly changed, I used to be surrounded by a bunch of friends I needed a long time to make one or two friends, I became less talkative, no one in my heart looked down on but everyone was afraid. I became more and more lonely, eager to be around a bunch of friends like everyone else, but I found it so difficult to fit in with the crowd. So I learned a trick, that is, not to care, like I have a switch in my heart, I could have felt everything, and gradually I turned it off. I pretend to spend all my thoughts on studying, so that I don't have to make friends, people will not think that you are lonely, only that you only know how to study, huh. So my academic performance has always been in the top few until the university, and although I failed the college entrance examination, the university has always received scholarships.
Now I have entered the society, but I am sad to find that this is a society that needs to communicate with people, and there will be no more exam papers in this society where I can get a high score by doing a few multiple choice questions, and only I can exchange communication for opportunities. But my switch has long been turned off by me, and I won't do anything but study for the exam, you ask me what I can do? Except for exams, it's exams. What do I like, you ask? I like music, but I have not taken a normal music class in Dalian since I was a child, and I don't want to learn a piano or anything when I was born in the countryside, and I want to cry when I see others performing on stage in college.
Looking back now, I find that I have always been like a fool, thinking that just like teachers and parents said, good grades can get everything. Even in college, I never considered the future employment road, anyway, I studied well, I was afraid of what I was afraid of all the time I was like a crazy person who only knew how to bury my head in the road, never paid attention to the scenery along the way, and found that the examiner was not speeding at the end, hahaha. Finally succeeded in becoming a waste, can I still save????
The following is Cao Huaining's reply:
Seeing that this question was raised six years ago, I have a lot of emotions in my heart. Six years have passed, I don't know how the subject's life is now? Does the confusion and pain of "I'm a piece of shit" still affect her? And the people who are paying attention to this problem now, are you doing well?
At the rational level, there are already too many pearls in the analysis and suggestions on this issue, and I will not repeat them. I would like to talk about my thoughts and feelings about this issue from the level of deep inner emotions and values.
Each of us needs to feel empowered and valuable in life. The standards of "ability" and "value" are actually defined by the environment in which we live. In a small town, this standard may be the most powerful problem maker, and in the "elite circle" of the north, Shanghai and Guangzhou, perhaps this standard is an Ivy League school, able to speak eloquently, golf, equestrian skills are full. In the original environment, we will definitely mobilize our own resources, strive to achieve success under this standard, and then feel the ability and self-confidence, and establish a sense of self-worth. But with the growth and development of change, when we leave the original familiar environment and enter the new environment, we may be shocked to find that the original standards of the past are not universal and complete, there are other important abilities in this world that need to be mastered, and even we will find that the previously believed efforts, the formula for returns, do not work in the new environment. For example, as described by the subject, in the past, she believed that with good results, she could not be disadvantaged, but now she found that she still had to deal with people, and she also needed some hobbies and interests, so that it was possible to gain recognition and value, and experience happiness.
When people discover this, it is as if they found that their life that they had been convinced of was originally a dream, and their hearts will suffer violent shocks, and the so-called "three views are shaken" is such a situation. The true three views are actually rooted in the sensibility, which is the deepest belief in the heart. Every bit of every bit of belief, there are living facts and distinct emotions behind it: that exam was done, my mother showed a happy smile on her face, I felt that I could help my mother, especially happy; that time I won the first place in the whole grade, when I went on stage to receive the award, I saw the admiration and envy in the eyes of the students of the whole grade, and I felt that I was really great; that time I failed the college entrance examination, the shock and disappointment in the eyes of my parents and teachers made me unforgettable...
These are all real experiences, deeply imprinted in the heart of the feelings, how can it be said to give up and give up, immediately begin to believe in other values?
So, why do we know the truth, but we can't do it? Because behind these truths that we know now, there is no living, personal experience to support, so our sensibility, it does not believe, it will cling to what it has believed countless times in the past, because this is the spiritual pillar of its past for so long. A person's deep belief will not be easily changed. If the spiritual pillar is shaken or even destroyed, people will certainly doubt their own ability and value, and even deny themselves completely. This logic is also very easy to understand, if everything I believed in the past proves to be problematic, then I must be a problem as a person.
So, don't blame someone for knowing the truth, but not changing immediately, what he wants to give up is the past concept of life, which is a huge shake in his heart, he needs time to face the inner sadness and helplessness, fear and worry, he needs some strength to stabilize his mind, mourn his lost faith, and finally, he has the strength to slowly cheer up, to find a new direction, to develop new skills.
At such times, as family and friends around them, the most important thing is to constantly comfort them, let them understand what happened to them, accompany them to spend some time mourning, and fully express their inner emotions. Next, help them see that their original skills are not completely scrapped, but reflect some of their own very fundamental abilities, such as self-discipline, logical analysis, etc., which can also shine in new fields. Don't push them too quickly onto a new path and urge them to change quickly, which will make them feel more powerless.
The world has become more and more diverse, and the development and change are getting faster and faster, so each of us may experience such a thing, and I hope that everyone can give themselves more time and more understanding and tolerance for themselves at this time.
About author:Cao Huaining, a national second-level psychological counselor, has more than 4,000 hours of counseling practice, and his main areas of expertise include marriage and love feelings, interpersonal communication, gender psychology, life planning, family relations, etc. Since the launch of Sina Weibo in 2011, more than 80,000 fans have insisted on regularly replying to private messages, selflessly providing consultations to more than 6,000 helpers, with more than 10 million words of consultation and answers. Invited expert of Marriage and Family magazine, a contracted contributor to a number of media.
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