Yang Chunsi/Wen
At that time, I was fascinated by poetry, and I could write several poems a day, all of which were obscure love poems, most of which were published in the school newspaper I edited.
Once, when I was promoting the distribution of the school newspaper, a 2000-level girl took the school newspaper with my poems on it and asked me to sign it, and we met.
The girl blushed and said her name was Li Chen, a freshman, from the art class.
Chen not only looks beautiful, but also has a heroic temperament, quite classical.
Oh, yes, it seems that the playful and cute little Huang Rong played by Weng Meiling.
When I first saw her, I was shocked by her natural beauty, which reminded me of the Tang poem "Hibiscus is like a face and willows like an eyebrow".
I like morning from the bottom of my heart.
After knowing her, she often appeared in my dreams, interpreting stories of pity and lingering.
When I fully understood her family background, I was a little sad and had a feeling of unattainability.
Her father held important positions in government departments, her mother was a middle school teacher, and her uncle was in business in Guangdong.
And I come from the depths of the barren and isolated mountains, although I seem to be a prominent figure in school, quite eye-catching, but the thought of my poor family always makes me sad.
I liked her very much, but I didn't even dare to suggest love.
I wanted to give up, but I was reluctant to do so, so I had to hide my love deep in my heart.
Chen is outstanding in appearance and versatile.
She has a certain foundation in literature and a considerable knowledge of aesthetics.
She is especially good at painting and performing arts, and she is indispensable to every school's literary and artistic performance.
In short, morning is a glorious pearl in our school, and walking there can make that place brilliant.
In this way, when I think of her beauty and excellence, I think of my own "humble and ordinary", and I dare not think of anything.
Campus couples
Morning often came to the classroom to find me, morning and my classroom is not in the same building, far away, there is a sky bridge in the middle to connect through.
Whenever we pass the overpass and leave our classroom more than ten meters, the students in our class will shout: Yang Xiaofeng, Li Chen is looking for you. ”
I always called Li Chen a few times before slowly walking out of the classroom in the eyes of my classmates.
Chen was always smiling and blushing.
Over time, the students spread the word about my relationship with Li Chen, and the more they spread, the more they became more and more divine, as if there really was such a thing.
Of course, whenever I feel at this time, I always have a feeling of fluttering, and I also indulge in this vanity of my own.
Every time Li Chen came to me, he brought a few books with him.
Chen said that she had a lot of books in her house, so I naturally read a lot of books from her.
It really gave me the best of both worlds, it was a great benefit, it satisfied my constant need for books, and it was more reasonable to find opportunities to meet and contact her.
After reading a book, we start the topic with the character storyline of the book and discuss and communicate together.
We deepened our communication and understanding through the colorful worlds in the book.
Although each conversation time was short and hasty, we were so harmonious that we felt extremely happy and happy with each other.
Later, Li Chen also began to use her prose and poetry and other study works to seek my opinion, and after my revision and polishing, her articles were also published in the school magazine and the school newspaper.
During this period, we talked about the sea and the sky, the sky and the south china sea and the north.
We love to talk about politics, care about current affairs, and pay attention to the movement of film and television songs.
Talk about "Desert Fox", talk about Saddam Hussein and Clinton, talk about Chekhov and Shu Ting's lyric poems, talk about Qiong Yao's Return to Zhu Gege, and talk about Zhao Wei's fame in one fell swoop.
Occasionally, when it comes to love, both men sensitively turn the conversation away.
I don't know if we're friendly together or anything else, I can't tell you exactly what our relationship is, I've never had any dates with Chen! Nor did I attend a weekend dance.
Later, I proposed to introduce Li Chen to join the school literature club.
In our school, there is not only a literary club (with its own social journal), but also a school newspaper and a school magazine. The three are independent institutional entities.
The school newspaper is the organ newspaper of the Youth League Committee of our school, the school journal is under the supervision of the Student Section, sponsored by the Student Union, and the Literary Club is a department under the Youth League Committee and independent of any club.
Most of the cadres of the student union and the Youth League Committee are born in the literary club, so the literary club has always played a pivotal role in the organization of student clubs.
I am not only the editor-in-chief of the school, but also one of the two main leaders of the literary club.
The other is Wang Haijun, who is in the same level of mechanical and electrical class.
I joined the literary club with Wang Haijun, and I was between his writing level and work organization ability.
We co-managed the literary club, and later I edited the school newspaper, and he presided over the school magazine.
As the saying goes: one mountain cannot accommodate two tigers.
Wang Haijun and I worked together in the literary club, and everyone was superficially nothing, but in secret, we had been competing.
Young and vigorous, no one wants to surrender to whom.
In addition to disagreements in the literary club, we all want to surpass each other for the quality of the school newspapers and journals that we are editing, and the quality of the manuscripts and the publications.
To this end, we are all secretly looking for all kinds of talents in the literary club to be the fresh force and| successors of our own newspapers and periodicals.
I ignored this when I introduced Li Chenjin to the Literary Society.
Chen is a talented and good-looking girl, which attracts Wang Haijun's attention even more.
Wang Haijun was born into a rich family, and he was also a stylish and stylish talent.
His relationship with Li Chen naturally soared.
Every time I saw Li Chen and Wang Haijun interacting and laughing, my heart ached, and when I thought that my biggest "political enemy" would also become my biggest "love enemy", I wanted to stand up and protest and issue a "love challenge" to Wang Haijun.
But when I think of the world of difference in our respective families, and remember that I never please beautiful people, and Wang Haijun pursues the sophistication and depth of girls, I feel that I have more than enough to do.
On that occasion, all the members of the literary society went on a spring trip to Dengsu Xianling.
Suddenly, it began to rain lightly. Everyone did not bring an umbrella, let the cold raindrops beat unhurriedly, feeling very comfortable and free.
Shout at the vast rivers and mountains or raise your arms, or point out the country with no emotion.
Chenzhou Suxianling Three Monuments
I, Li Chen and Wang Haijun, always walked at the end.
Wang Haijun and I both wanted to get close to Li Chen, and we kept walking with Li Chen on our shoulders and stopping to communicate.
On the way back, when the next stone step, due to the slippery road, Chen Yi did not pay attention to sprained his right ankle, Wang Haijun and I competed to buy active oil, competing to carry things for her, fortunately twisted to be slightly injured, otherwise we would have fought to carry her!
At that time, I wondered if Li Chen saw that Wang Haijun and I were both fond of her.
I don't know if Wang Haijun ever revealed anything to Li Chen.
But I never said love to her easily, I was rejected by her, and I was even more afraid that she would hurt me.
Girls are made of water and can't be hurt casually, I think so...
At the celebration of the 10th anniversary of the school art troupe, the main student leaders of the student union and the youth league committee were invited to attend the party as guests.
Li Chen, as the backbone of the art troupe, was of course present.
After the various cultural performances, there is a free dance party for the rest of the time.
Li Chen was sitting next to me, and I was about to invite Li Chen to dance with me, but Wang Haijun came out of there like a tuxing sun, and very gentlemanly held out his hand to invite Li Chen to dance with him.
Li Chen first looked up at me, saw that I was silent, and entered the dance floor with Wang Haijun.
When I saw the moment when Wang Haijun reached out and wrapped his arms around Li Chen's slender waist, I couldn't help but gush blood upwards, feeling as if something extremely beloved had been taken from his hand.
I was eager to go up and push Wang Haijun away immediately, give him a punch, and carry Li Chen back to me.
But when I saw that their pace was coordinated seamlessly, I thought with infinite sadness: Maybe they are really a natural pair.
I didn't want to look at their intimacy, let myself be so sad, and I walked out of the dance hall in a low mood.
When the full moon is empty, the moon is as silver as silver.
I stood on the balcony, standing under the lonely high cold moon, vaguely I felt a different kind of sadness rendering me, and it was difficult to calmly think: Why am I so cowardly, never bold and proactive, always let people get ahead...
I was whimsically upset.
Li Chen came out and asked me why I didn't dance so early.
I said coldly, "Everyone is in pairs, who will jump with me?" ”
Li Chen was speechless for a moment, and then I heard a heartfelt sigh and said, "Let's go to the garden and walk around." ”
The bright moon sprinkles layers of silver light on the campus, and the campus at night is dressed up quietly and melancholy.
We walked along a mysterious and romantic tree-lined path dotted with broken silver and sat down by a rockery.
As soon as Li Chen sat down, he said, "Xiao Feng! Just now Wang Haijun handed me a letter, I did not read, I think it must be some sour love letter, do you want to read? ”
If I had in the past, I would not have thought so, Li Chen received so-called love letters is not a new thing, she told me that her drawer is about to become a "love letter box".
At one point, I received as many as ten letters.
The "suitors" are mostly hanging among the students, and Li Chen never takes it seriously.
Every time she received a letter, she was mercilessly exposed publicly, and she gave me a few of the "masterpieces" in it, which were really unbearable to see after reading: jokes, confusing rules, and piles of typos.
But this time the suitor is extraordinary, not other than someone else is my biggest "political enemy", but also my real love enemy.
I don't know what Li Chen means by this, my mind is buzzing, I am a little annoyed and angry and said: "I don't want to read, why did Wang Haijun let me know the love letter you gave me?" ”
Li Chen didn't expect me to be so loud and was startled.
The letter that was held up in mid-air was taken back.
"Well, since you don't want to look at it, I'll tear it off."
Li Chen said and really tore it up.
I grabbed Li Chen's hand and said, don't tear it, I'm sorry to scare you just now.
Since someone wrote to you, save it.
At this time, I revealed my true feelings: "I don't look at it, it will make me sad to see it." ”
Li Chen raised his head and looked at me expectantly.
I wanted to say the sentence that had been hidden for a long time, but I never said it.
Li Chen waited for a while and then sighed softly, took out a pink silk handband from her blouse pocket and said, "This is what I just knitted myself, do you want to give it to you?" "I said of course I wanted it.
Li Chen smiled and asked me to extend my left hand, buckle it on my wrist, and tell me not to lose it and treasure it.
At this time, the moonlight was pouring down on us, hazy and beautiful, making people have an inexplicable impulse.
Suddenly I saw Morning's retracted little hand swaying next to the side of her body, I don't know where to put it, I grasped Morning's hands, and suddenly felt gentle and smooth. He said, "Li Chen, I--I-" Several times I tried to say that I liked you, but I couldn't help but swallow it again.
At this time, the whistle suddenly sounded, and it was time for the school guard team to check the bedtime.
Li Chen smiled and slightly broke her hand from my hand and said, "It's time for late bedtime, let's go back." So we went back to the dormitory.
And I lost a perfect opportunity, and finally did not say love, and did Li Chen understand the intention I wanted to express?
June 3 is Li Chen's birthday, and Chen invited some good classmates at a newly opened "Fusongyuan" restaurant not far from the school.
That morning, he curled his long jet-black hair and wore a pure white elastic shirt and straight-leg black jeans.
Her clothing sets off the curves of her body very well, giving people the feeling of absolute purity and maturity of youth, and is an infinitely desirable beautiful female image.
Everyone came, and everyone sat around the table with a large cake and some delicious food.
Li Chen sat between me and Wang Haijun, and I don't know if this was a coincidence or a deliberate arrangement.
During the banquet, everyone rushed to send gifts to Li Chen, what birthday cards, rag dolls, crystal music boxes and so on, Li Chen praised one after another.
When Wang Haijun magically took out a delicate colored paper box from nowhere, and dozens of delicate red roses pinned to the ribbon and handed them to Li Chen like a grandfather, the girls present screamed in a sensation.
It was as if they had waited for more than a dozen or twenty spring and autumn seasons for this day, as if they had envied Li Chen.
Looking at Wang Haijun's blossoming and folding beard, spending money like soil to buy a smile.
I shrugged my head as I stood by, not daring to see how Li Chen reacted.
I only felt that my heart was broken, my mind was blank, and I didn't know what Li Chen said.
Before that, I'm going to cut and paste all the articles I've published in the past on a notebook with an award-winning premium leather cover as a birthday present to Li Chen.
But now I don't have the courage to give it to Li Chen in full view of everyone.
Because among the many expensive gifts, especially in front of Wang Haijun's expensive gifts, it seems so shabby and too insignificant.
I really wanted to find an opportunity or a reason to escape in order to avoid this embarrassing scene.
But I couldn't get out, so I had to sit like a needle felt and wait for everyone to finish eating the birthday cake and leave.
My strange behavior was finally discovered by Li Chen, who smiled at me and said, "Xiaofeng, don't you have any gifts for me?" "I was spitting out and not knowing what to say...
Suddenly, Li Chen cried out, what is this? She snatched the blue notebook that I had accidentally dropped on the board that I had slipped into my clothes.
I immediately blushed sharply, and rushed to ask Li Chen to return it to me, but it was useless, Li Chen understood everything when he saw it.
I simply inscribed on the title page of my notebook: Morning: The story of youth is too hurried, fleeting without a trace, may you hold the hand of youth in the tide of the rainy season of life, raise the strong sails of life, and bravely sail forward on the other side of the ideal.
On the day of your birthday, send you my blessings.
Wish: Youth forever, smile still
Xiaofeng
Li Chen looked at me softly and said softly, "Xiaofeng! Don't say anything, thank you for the gift, it is the most precious and meaningful of all the gifts I have received. Li Chen also said that she had always wanted to ask me for my cut works, and today she finally realized this wish. Listening to her sincere and touching words, I was momentarily immersed in an excitement that might be called "happiness"...
I think we were both fond of each other at that time, but neither of us had the courage to break through the paper first. Li Chen may have been waiting for my initiative.
Li Chen was too dazzling and noble, and the reason why I didn't have the courage to reveal my heart to her in the end was that I felt that I lacked a kind of grasp and self-confidence. I always have a deep inferiority in front of her, this inferiority complex deformation misalignment into a deformed self-esteem, so that I become both arrogant and sensitive, there is always a kind of gain and loss of psychology in worship. It is said that love is equal to mutual trust and respect. But in the scale of love, it is always impossible to get rid of the worldly weight, resulting in the deviation and imbalance of love.
The days passed like this day by day, and my relationship with Chen still maintained that kind of "marginal relationship"...
In the blink of an eye, another year has come in a hurry, and then my campus life with the cracked sun approaching in June and the special desire and call for the future, so that I bid farewell to the campus with a bit of helplessness and excitement and mixed feelings to the society, to find a piece of my own blue sky.
Beautiful night view of Guangzhou
On the day I left school, I walked quietly alone. I don't want to alarm anyone, with a little pity or a little longing. I hope that this trip to Guangzhou can find a good job as soon as possible to increase my confidence and hope in love.
But the difference between ideal and reality is too harsh. I wandered for a few months in the hustle and bustle of the strange guangzhou, the work was still not settled, and the money on my body was deceived by the illegal intermediaries who "hung sheep's heads and sold dog meat", and finally I had to return to the small mountain village in northern Guangdong where I was born and raised with a face full of haggard and exhaustion.
I know that I feel that my future in life is uncertain, but I also feel despair about my relationship with Li Chen, who is far away in Hunan.
Since then, Chen's impression has become increasingly blurred with the fact that I no longer have the courage to communicate and communicate with me in two places, but my heart that has never personally confessed to Chen, and my heart of love and longing for Chen is still as obsessed as ever, and I am suffering more and more painfully by lovesickness. Waking up many times in a dream with tears in my eyes, thinking that I would not have any chance to walk with Chen in the future, my heart was always full of deep sorrow and regret...
I once had such a good opportunity, but because I was too sensitive and weak, I did not pluck up the courage to show my heart to Chen and express my love.
Perhaps, we will have a chance to meet again in the future, but who knows what will happen later? Where did we start then?
……
Postscript: Yang Chunsi first drafted in Shaoguan Wengyuan in June 2002, revised and compiled in February 2022 in Tianhe, Guangzhou