Dad usually called me Little Nell, and I was very young, only six years old. But my father seems to be very old, like an old man. He sat on a rutted wooden cart with his erhu in his arms; under his ass was his leg—a leg that was special, with a thin neck like a child's foot cocked out of the side of his ass. Dad's beard and hair grew wildly, like wild grass in a field. Every morning in the first rays of the sun, I dragged my father out of a dilapidated and dirty alley: dad was like a general on a chariot, pointing to where we begged. We can change several bases a day.
Dad tilted his disheveled head, and with the gentle pull of his arm, the sound of the spring water clanging and the wind and rain flowed out! I love listening to this sound, it reminds me of the slowly flowing stream in the fields outside the village, the birds flying in the sky... But my memory can only go here, later... It wasn't until I regained my memory that I, the disabled dad, appeared in front of me.
Even though he fed us by begging, I still liked him. I know that dad is the best one in the city. I like to listen to the two gourds, so I like Dad. But I don't know if he likes me or not? Seriously, I never saw him smile; even when someone threw a piece of money into a wooden box at his feet, Dad nodded mechanically at the man, and I jumped around Dad happily. In fact, I would like to thank them sincerely, even if it is a smile! But I don't have the guts!
In my eyes, this city is a beautiful crystal palace, the children in the palace are princesses and princes, and I can only stand outside the transparent palace, secretly looking, quietly imitating... I couldn't hear them [their] voices, but I was sure they must be on par with Daddy's pulling, and it was intoxicating.
Once, Dad pulled up a second gourd in the street, and at his feet was a wooden box with a few crumpled dimes in it. I was lying in his arm socket, looking up at the gray-white sky, and the beautiful erhu sound was in my ears! I was immersed in a hazy memory of my hometown...
Suddenly, my silence was shattered by the sound of a nasty whistle. I looked lazily down the street, and the traffic in front of me had nothing to do with me. At this time, I have a sadness in my heart, and I don't know why?
Just then, a beautiful and cute little boy appeared in front of me. He looked at me with a smile and a look of curiosity and kindness in his eyes. I was dizzy with joy for a moment, and I didn't know where the strength and self-confidence came from, but I subconsciously grabbed the boy's hand. The boy's hands were so white, soft and warm... It embarrassed my skinny, black "chicken feet", which began to slide slowly...
At this moment, a noble woman walked quickly. She stared at me viciously, and then I saw a hand in the air falling towards my face. I heard a crunching sound that completely drowned out Daddy's babbling. I covered my fiery face and watched as she pulled up the pretty little boy and walked away as fast as she was hiding from the plague.
I kept watching the little boy disappear into the bustling city, as if he had lost something. This feeling has never been felt before. Dad didn't even look at me, and pulled up the second gourd again, still so focused. I looked at him intoxicated, wanted to laugh, but couldn't laugh, only to arch into his arms with grievance, listen to the sound of babbling, and fall asleep.
When you wake up, it's time for people to leave work. The flow of people was surging and the sound of car whistles rose and fell with each other. I rubbed my eyes and looked into the wooden box, and our "battle results" did not increase much, and I was a little sad. Dad had promised me a toy dog, if he could get enough money... This faint sadness did not last long, and after a while I was happy and played around my father. I never left Dad two meters away.
People on the street came and went, and they walked past. Occasionally, when someone throws a few steel hammers into a wooden box or floats into a corner ticket, I will dance happily and smile back to the man. But those faces were all serious and indifferent, and no one cared about my sincere smile. After a long time, I no longer have this luxury.
Our cabin could only accommodate a small bed and a small square table for eating. The cot was where I slept, and Dad put away the dinner table at night and made the floor. At night I lay down and couldn't fall asleep immediately, and by the faint moonlight I saw my father curled up there, like a pile of rags.
In fact, I was also vague about my appearance. Sometimes we walk by a large bright glass in front of the building, and inside there appears a dirty child with his hair covering his face, dressed in clothes of no color... Is that me? I couldn't figure out who I was, and I didn't have to recognize myself, as long as my dad was around, I felt happy.
The moon at night is like a silver plate, hanging over a sewage river on the edge of the village. I stood under a willow tree by the river, looking at the black sewage. The sewage smelled of dampness. The hutongs were full of this smell, and I was used to it for a long time. I took a rice dumpling in my hand and ate it in small bites, and I wanted to taste it—it was specially bought for me by my father during the Dragon Boat Festival.
Dad sat on my lap and held erhu and pulled up a song that I liked very much. The song was very sad, and Dad pulled it very hard, and I could hear it.
In the bright moonlight, Dad's hands trembled, and a few tears rolled out of his eyes. I also feel sad tonight, I really want to shout mom to the moon... But I knew it wouldn't help shouting, because I didn't have a mother. I heard that there is Chang'e in the moon, how good it would be for me to have a Chang'e mother! But the moon is so far away from me, I shout loudly, can she hear it?
Dad disappeared after that Dragon Boat Festival, and I can't forget the rice dumplings and sad second gourds of that night, as well as Dad's tears and my sorrows, as well as the sewage river and the curved moon on the edge of the sky.
It's been a long time since Dad's gone, and I can't remember how many times the moon is missing and how long the two-gourd sound in my ear has stopped ringing. Whenever I woke up in the first faint morning light, thinking that my father was sleeping under my bed, and the rutted wooden plank car that appeared in my eyes was always the rutted wooden wagon———— which was his "chariot"; I had proudly dragged it all over the most prosperous parts of the city, giving my father's melodious two-huzzle to many people in the city! But now I have no pride, only this wooden car that can't make a sound...
I never stopped looking for my father, so I ripped out my shoes, my toes bare in the autumn breeze, and the unnamed leaves rattling beneath my feet. I was still wearing summer clothes, my floral gowns covering my knees, my hair blown so messily by the wind that it stubbornly blocked my view.
I remember my dad saying a sentence before, he said, "Nell, Dad is disabled, but we don't want food, let's use our craft to support ourselves!" After saying that, he solemnly pulled up the erhu. But how sad I am now! I don't have any craftsmanship, only a mouth. In fact, I had already started my begging life on the first day after Dad disappeared.
It was early in the morning, and I was wandering around a square that dad used to go to, hoping to see him. When a woman passed me, she shoved a hot piece of something into my hand. I raised my hand, and it turned out to be a hot sweet potato, and the sweet potato had already taken a few bites, bubbling with fragrant heat. The hunger that had disappeared after I was extremely hungry returned, and I ate it with my hands in my hands, and I couldn't look back at the man who had given me.
After eating the sweet potato, my legs regained strength and embarked on the road to find my father again. On the way to find, I did not meet any more well-wishers who offered to give me something to eat, but I would go and ask for it. For example, I saw a person next to me who ate something, and as long as he was hungry, he would go up and beg. If you don't give it, you don't walk, he walks and I follow it, like a fart worm. It wasn't until I was sure that the other party would not give me something to eat, and then I retreated to look for another Lord.
I slowly noticed that a lot of people started to avoid me, as if I was a little crazy person who could eat people. I thought to myself am I that terrible? I only want a few bites to eat, even if it is a bite, why are you so afraid of me?
I couldn't figure out what the adults in these cities thought. I was too hungry to get enough to eat, so I began to hate this beautiful and bustling city and the well-dressed people who lived in it.
My day passes in walking. My stomach is always hungry. I was never hungry when Dad was there, so I missed Dad so much. I cried out in my heart over and over again, "Daddy, where are you?" Do you know how much I want to hear you pull erhu again? Dad, don't you want me anymore? You left me who pulled the "car" for you! "I want to hide in the corner and cry!" But there were people all around, and I couldn't bear to be sad and couldn't find a corner to cry.
I started begging for food in fast food restaurants on the street, and although I usually let the owner coax them out, I wasn't scared or cared at all, because I was sure that they [they] wouldn't do anything to me, let alone hit me. After all, I'm a kid! When I came out of this house, I went to that house to beg, because the most important thing in our begging business is perseverance, perseverance. This was told to me by a boy two years older than me, for which I have always been grateful to him, as grateful as my brother.
Once, I finally got a meat burn in the fire shop. The hot fire emits a seductive fragrance. I walked in the sewage-filled greasy alley, holding the hot fire in both hands, playing with it constantly, and to be honest I couldn't bear to eat it in a few bites. I flipped my left hand upside down and played with the fire upside down, accidentally burning to the ground, and at the same time a leper dog quickly ran past in front of my eyes. I hurriedly bowed my head, but I didn't see my fire. In the distance, I saw the leper dog making a swallowing motion with its neck folded, and then wagging its tail and walking away satisfied. I was angry again, and the fire would not come out of the dog's stomach, so I scolded at the dog's back and continued to beg.
In fact, for a long time, I couldn't tell whether I was looking for my father or looking for food, maybe it was more important to find food, because my stomach had been grumbling and never stopped. My appearance to my father began to blur, and the impression seemed to be that of wild grass-like hair and beard, and his two-huzzle no longer stirred my heart. I'm just over six years old, and I don't remember a long time, but the most I think about right now is foods like fire, buns, and steamed buns. I started caring about my stomach.
At noon that day, there were many people around the food stalls, and the banknotes were pinched by a pair of white hands to reach a fat woman with a white hat, and the heat swirled above people's heads, and a seductive fragrance wafted out. I slipped through the cracks in the adult's legs, and a cage of hot buns rubbed the tip of my black nose. I know that asking the shopkeeper is also a white bargain, so it is better to... Without giving it much thought, I saw that my hand had been quietly raised, and then quickly grabbed two buns and squeezed out of the crowd and ran. Immediately after that, there was a sound of catching thieves, catching thieves...
I couldn't look back, pulled open two thin legs and ran lifelessly. I faintly heard a thumping footstep behind me, and I couldn't shake it off. I was about to look back when my thin arm was grabbed by a powerful hand: "Look where you run, dead thief!" ”
I looked back blankly, and in front of me was a big man in a white apron, cannibalistic red eyes staring at me, and a big fat mouth whirring and panting. I saw the bun shop behind him, and I didn't run very far.
The people around us were looking at us, and the idlers on the road gathered more and more, all looking at me with strange eyes. My eyes dodged under their [their] gaze, and my heart was flustered, I didn't know what this big man was going to do to me? The first time I was a thief, I don't know what the result was after the thief was caught, so I waited blankly...
"Being a thief at such a young age, growing up to pay back ... You hateful thief! As soon as the words stopped, a large slap landed on my face, and my face turned in a different direction: my face was originally facing the bun shop, but this time it was facing the barbershop. At the door of the barbershop stood a woman wearing lipstick and rouge, smiling strangely at me. Half of my face was numb and hot, and the two buns in my hand rolled to the ground.
"Little thief, you turn back!" The big man's two hands twisted on my shoulders, and I was facing the audience on the street.
"Let's take a good look at this thief!" Surely her parents were also thieves? Don't believe you go and ask her..." The big man pinched one of my ears and lifted it up hard, "Tell everyone, are your parents thieves?" ”
Under the influence of the big man's hand, I also slowly raised and began to stand on tiptoe. I hadn't studied ballet, so I couldn't stand steadily, and the big man's hand was still lifting my ears, and my body was shaking because I couldn't stand steadily.
"Say, say, your parents are thieves too?"
I really wanted to say out loud, "I don't have parents!" "But my throat was blocked with cotton, and I couldn't say anything."
"You're dumb, why don't you talk!" When the big man said this, I closed my mouth even more tightly, not letting it make a sound. At the same time, I saw that my feet were slowly off the ground... I didn't think my ears were so strong that I couldn't rip them off. I didn't know my weight, but the wind told me it wouldn't weigh much more than a wooden sign standing on the side of the road.
Finally I heard my own hoarse crying, intermittently, like the sound of yellow leaves being trampled on. I was in a trance and saw a lot of people pointing at me, their mouths closed, but they couldn't hear the sound. I don't know how long it took for me to feel my foot touch the ground. I'm still standing there, with my head down, I don't know if it's over or not? I saw that many of the legs still surrounded me, and I had no intention of walking away.
I wondered, why are there so many idle people on the street? They [they] have nothing to do, but I still have to find My Father!" And now my stomach is grumbling. Suddenly, the legs in my eyes began to stir, and I secretly rejoiced: it seems that the big man has let me go! When I carefully raised my head, I was greeted with so many inexplicable eyes, all of which were aimed at me, and even in the memory of Daddy La Erhu, it was not so spectacular! A little pride rose in my little heart.
It was then that I saw the big man bend down to pick up two buns from the sewage on the ground—the exact two I had stolen.
"Are you hungry?" Eat, you..."
A large hand was over my mouth, and I closed my mouth, my head swinging from side to side, rejecting the two buns that had been soaked in the sewage.
"Oh, it's pretty tough!" The big man pressed the back of my head with his other hand to keep it from moving. But my mouth was tightly closed, and the bun filling and soup were smeared on my face. I saw people in the crowd turning their heads and ears, someone pointing, and many mouths opening and closing, making mosquito-like sounds.
The big man's hand suddenly lowered and yelled at me, "Roll." ”
The big man is gone. The crowd began to disperse, and I was left alone. The street is back to its old way, everyone goes their own way, no one is interested in me anymore, I have become the former me, the lonely me. I raised my arm and wiped my face and began to walk in a daze again.
I knew it was the train station square, and Dad had used it as a "base" for a long time. The sun came here for the first time, and the long oblique figure swayed in the square. I found that my current love of sunshine had outweighed my desire to find my father. Today was a good day, and I found a white bun and a few apples in the dumpster at the head of the bridge. I put them in a plastic bag and carried them. I no longer longed to hear the familiar erhu sound, and what I desperately needed was a cotton coat, as long as it could block the wind.
These days I've been going through almost all the dumpsters in the city. The only pair of shoes I had was not at all like shoes, and the toe had opened to reveal three black toes. A kind aunt once threw me a pair of socks and saved my feet. I can't remember how long I hadn't looked in the mirror, my hair obscuring my vision like willows in the wind, my hands cracking and opening bloody holes. I wandered around the square, and I held out my dark cracked little hands to everyone who passed by me: "Uncle... Aunt...... All right! ”
I was like a little plague god, and the people who met me fled as if they were running away. I don't feel sad, I don't believe in sympathy for a long time. Instead, I sometimes mischievously chase a target and not let go. I grabbed the corner of the other person's clothes, didn't let go, and repeatedly chanted in my mouth: "Big brother, big sister, ok!" Give two flowers..."
This entanglement rarely leads me to my goal, and most of the time I am thrown away by the other party's disgust, like driving away a nasty fly. I don't care about that anymore.
The north wind blew and my messy hair danced in the air. I stood in the square, looking up at the sun, and I wanted to hold it in my arms so that I wouldn't lose sleep all night because of the cold. I sat in the sun and took out the steamed bun I picked up, it was so fragrant! After eating the steamed buns, I ate another apple. Apples are full of rotten spots, and when I eat a bad disease, I spit out. With something in the stomach, the legs have strength. For the next meal, I started "work" again.
I can't figure out why there are such people in the station square? What are they carrying bags, dragging boxes, hurrying for? The sun was setting in the west, and by now my dinner had not set. I know I can't be discouraged, and experience often tells me that victory lies in perseverance at the last point. So I worked harder to "work".
A man in a cotton trunk was pulled to the corner of his coat by me. He was dressed so warmly that I was sure he must have money. I was like a little scoundrel, hanging from his arm and dragged away by him.
"Roll, roll, little devil, no money for you."
"Give money, if you don't give it, don't let go..." I can't care about anything now, for the sake of my stomach, for the sake of my little life, I must insist.
"Oh, you little bad bastard..." The man's arm flicked hard, and I made a circle on him, but I didn't throw it off.
, find death! He got angry, slapped me with his raised hand, and pushed me hard, and I fell to the ground on my back. I touched the corners of my mouth, and it flowed hotly, it was blood. Without giving up my purpose, I pounced on it, grabbed the man's legs, and was dragged away by him. Such a scene attracted a lot of onlookers, like the bun stealing incident. For this long-lost feeling, my heart was full of inexplicable excitement: Oh, I am finally being concerned again!
The man stopped suddenly, pulled out his wallet, raised his hand, and a bill floated down beside me. I immediately let go of those legs, picked up the money and put it in my eyes, it was five dollars. I laughed and couldn't wipe away the nosebleed that was still flowing. At this time, some onlookers came to me one after another, and the bills of flowers and green flowers floated to my feet.
I crouched down and picked up the bills, tears unable to stop staying.
"Dad, we have money!" Where are you? I thought of my father again, and I clutched a handful of money tightly, and I couldn't hold back any longer, so I started crying.
I have never had any savings with this sum, like carrying a fire, which will make me live a life of food and clothing. As the sky darkened, the square became sparsely populated. I wandered around the square, not knowing where I belonged. I walked down the square, and there were many food stalls on both sides of the road, hot buns, oil cakes and fires, and the rice sellers were shouting hard. I strode up to sell buns with my chest up, grabbed a dollar and shouted, "Buy two buns!" ”
The seller of the bun did not look at me, sold me the bun, and went to do something else. I took the bun and was a little disappointed, why didn't he look at me? Doesn't he recognize me as a beggar and now buy buns to eat like normal people? I felt sad.
It was dark, and the people on the road suddenly dispersed, only the cars were shuttling back and forth with lights on. I went back to the square, where the lights were dim and the wind was stronger, and I hugged my shoulders and shrank my body. Suddenly, I heard a faint erhu sound drifting by. I looked around and found nothing. I ran down the square and looked around, but I didn't see my father's figure, not even the erhu sound. I knew it was my hallucination.
The wind passed through the empty square, and my thin gowns drummed and felt like I was going to fly. I wanted to become a bird and fly to the Moon Palace. There must be warm beds and stoves in the Moon Palace, and perhaps Chang'e.
I sat on the icy stone steps, looking up at the night sky, the moon splashing with the icy light of the water, and I buried my head between my legs, hiding from the cold wind. A wild dog wandered around the square with its head bowed, looking up at me from time to time. Frightened, I got up and walked down the stone steps.
Below was the road, and cars swirled through the wind, lifting me to the side of the road again and again. Follow the road inward and into a bridge hole. The bridge hole was long and pitch black. At this time, a car came by, and in the light I saw many people lying on both sides of the bridge.
"Come, lie here..." I was standing silly when a woman's hoarse voice rang in my ear. At this time, my eyes also adjusted to the darkness inside, and I saw a woman sitting crookedly, with a girl who looked like me the same age as me lying next to her.
"Boy, it's cold, deal with it here for a night." The woman took my hand and sat on the futon
I was so tired that as soon as I lay down my eyelids, I closed them so deeply that I could no longer hear any sounds from the outside...
In my dream, I was snuggled in my father's arms, and the beautiful erhu sound was wafting in my ears.