I don't know when I found that I had changed and didn't like to talk to others, but when I was alone, I always felt lonely and felt abandoned by the world. When friends gather, as long as others are talking and laughing, they feel that they have been ignored, that they are not important at all, and that even if they disappear, no one will know that no one will find out... Once upon a time, they all said big grins, cheerful love to smile, full of funny and optimistic. Who knows that such a me, when no one is there, always look at the ceiling blankly, feel that this life has no fun, feel cold, helpless, sad in countless late nights...
I was a happy child in front of others. I was a lost child in front of myself.
Every time I saw the dawn, I thought I had survived such a day, and there would never be a person hiding from crying again, just for the inexplicable loneliness, but when it was dark again and again, I became more and more sad and confused, I don't know how long I could last, I felt that I had the idea of leaving at any time.
My friends and family around me are advising me not to think too much, let me put my mentality well, anything can get by, this truth I know, I myself am also so persuaded myself, I have also thought about this aspect, but I have no way to control myself, there is no way to restrain that feeling, just like now the swamp, the deeper the struggle sinks.
It's been a month since the last time I wanted to die, it was a fight with my boyfriend, I was in a bad mood, I just lay in bed at night and started to think wildly, because he had exceeded the original time for more than 1 hour and had not returned, I felt that he didn't care about me as much as before, and suddenly felt that his chest was very stuffy, very painful, just wanted to cry, full of wild thoughts, just wanted to die.
I don't know why this situation also appeared this time, I felt as if my chest was stuffy as if there was a stone lying down, very uncomfortable, I thought waiting for this feeling to be over, but the psychological side is not what I can control, I feel like I was pinched by the neck, how to struggle is useless, I picked up and saw it on the wrist, although I did not use much force but it hurt, I threw it away, I saw it again in my head, I thought if I went like this, what would happen to my parents, Or maybe I didn't die, I was sent to the hospital, and I had to spend a lot of money, and I didn't want to burden my parents.
This feeling lasted for a long time, I want to say that if it is really a person with depression, it is probably the same as me, when the emotion comes up, it is really difficult to control, the whole brain will not have other thoughts at all, the only feeling is death, death is comfortable, liberated.
I used to hear my dad say that if you commit suicide alone, you will definitely regret it at the end of your life, because that time is not your own death, and it is too late to regret it when you finally wake up. I cried and lay back on the bed, I wanted to call, but I didn't know who to call, I wanted to call my boyfriend, I was a little angry, I thought I was really stupid at that time, just for a little face! Later that hour, I had been sulking, but there was no such impulse, but when he came back, he thought I was asleep, he didn't want to wake me up, didn't turn on the light, went to the living room to take a shower, I was angry again, I felt how not to see if I was angry, came back and didn't care about me, I thought I felt sad again, took the pillow and fell. He asked me what was wrong, at night it wasn't me who said I wasn't comfortable coming back first, he thought I had gone to bed early, he didn't dare to call me, asked me what I wanted. I didn't think about it, I just wasn't comfortable. When he came back, I felt okay. I began to think back to when I was alone just now, I didn't know what I was sad about, anyway, what I thought at that time was sad. I wanted to talk about it, but when I said it, the big answer I got was that you thought too much. There are no such things, you came up with them yourself. You don't have a good mentality like this, you can't do this, think more about happy things. I have all these answers myself, and I just want to get some understanding.
I don't want to think of myself as neurotic, I know that this phenomenon of mine is a phenomenon of depression, I also know that this is not right, but I have no way to change, maybe it is really sick.
I would say that when I am caught by that nightmare-like emotion, I feel like I am in a dream. I couldn't control myself, I was crazy, I was irritable. Depression is actually killing yourself, and the person who kills you in the end is yourself.