Every child who does not dare to confirm his love has always longed to find the warmth of "home" in his heart, but it is difficult to achieve his wishes.
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Author: Spring Rain Cuckoo
When I saw a piece of news, my heart was filled with sadness.
30 years ago, a 16-year-old boy in Liaocheng, Shandong Province, Fan Yongjun, was beaten up by his father because of trivial matters, and in a fit of anger, the boy left everything behind and left home in resentment.
This walk has spanned 30 years.
30 years later, his sister found him on a street in Guangzhou, but for the arrival of his relatives, the man who had already frosted his sideburns did not show the excitement of a long-term reunion, but instead had a cold indifference that refused to be thousands of miles away.
He refused to recognize his relatives, refused to go home, refused to make contact with his original family, and I don't know how much resentment and pain were hidden in his heart.
Seeing his story, I couldn't help but feel a lot of emotions.
Every child is eager for the warmth of affection, why do some children often show an attitude of fleeing, avoiding the family, and even trying their best to break the relationship with their parents?
In fact, the answer to this question should not be attributed to the child's stubborn personality, but should be more from the parents to find the reason.
01
The pain of the child is given by the adult
Emerging director Ning Yuanyuan made a short film "Five Elements Academy", which tells the entanglement and struggle of a mother and son.
In order to reduce her burden, the mother's job is to feed people in the canteen, and in order to reduce her burden, the son intends to use his superb game skills to earn money and supplement the family.
But the mother believes that her son is an Internet addicted teenager who is not doing his job, so she chased her son to the Internet café and scolded him.
Using language such as "not showing up", "playing with old women", "beastly", etc., he insulted his son unscrupulously and slapped his son aggressively.
Between mother and child, there is no warmth to speak of, only suspicion, confrontation, slander and malicious attack.
In order to help her son quit "Internet addiction", the mother turned to a behavior correction school, Wuxing College.
On this day, the mother cooked a good dish, and the son was eating vigorously, when suddenly two men dressed in black sprang out of the house and sent the boy who was struggling to resist and did not know it into the sinful "purgatory on earth".
There was a survey sample on "children's attitudes towards parents", and the results showed that up to 56.28% of children were extremely disgusted or hated by their parents.
This shocking proportion has stung the hearts of countless parents.
The reason is that the deepest root cause of the collapse of the relationship between parents and children from intimate mother-infant symbiosis to the collapse of the sword-rattling relationship lies in the lack of respect for the child's individuality.
Misinterpret children's behavioral motivations, use adult thinking, and label inappropriate behavior;
Deny the subjective will of children and use high-pressure and violent means to order them to obey;
Ignoring the emotional needs of children, forcibly instilling, suppressing, threatening, and, inward and pervasive control.
The above poor education methods are the biggest killers that undermine healthy parent-child relationships.
There are no parents who do not love their children, but many times, it is the parents themselves who personally destroy the children's attachment and entanglement to the family.
02
Children who are not respected, who have no sense of belonging
The family is the child's castle, and the parents' way of education gives birth to the prototype of the child's future life.
Positive and positive education will make children feel like a spring breeze, get the growth of vitality and the nutrients they need, while the education of negative and negative energy is likely to create children with character defects.
There is such a friend by my side.
She grew up trembling under the harshness, irritability, and verbal blows of her father, and her mother was cowardly by nature and could not protect her at all.
For her, her family was a battlefield full of mines.
When she was in elementary school, her math homework was difficult, and her homework book was approved by the teacher with several bright red and eye-catching forks. Just when she wanted to revise her homework, her father saw it, and in an instant, he jumped like a thunderbolt, and Livid scolded her angrily with his face.
My friend, who did not dare to cry loudly, could only put his head in his chest and let it go, but his father was not relieved, and he raised his arm and beat her back fiercely.
Grievances, embarrassment, and deep fears came to her, and she could never forget the fear of that scene...
Due to her lack of security, she is accustomed to closure and self-protection, building a thick layer of defense in her heart, not easily revealing to others, and unwilling to approach and accept others.
Even if her inner enthusiasm is like fire, she is good at hiding and disguising herself, because her trust and yearning for the world has been completely shattered by her father's irritability and violence.
Psychological research has shown that individuals internalize and establish their own schemas of knowing the world based on patterns of external stimuli.
The stimulation provided by the parents is negative, the child will subconsciously think that the world is full of crises, he will activate the self-protection mechanism, form a strong wrapping, introverted contraction of the self, blocking the intrusion of external information.
This is the parents' improper education methods, which have a profound and negative impact on the psychological level of the individual, in addition, the strength and violence of the parents also make each other the "most familiar strangers".
In the variety show "Shining Band", singer Yang Kun rarely talked about childhood.
He grew up in his father's stick and slap, and after the physical pain eased, the scars remained on his heart.
In this parent-child relationship, he and his father almost blocked communication, ignoring his father, which was the only resistance that a child could do.
The most poignant thing is that the father does not love him, but does not know how to express. When his father learned that Yang Kun's leg injury was going to be operated on, he silently searched the major hospitals in Beijing alone and asked for medical treatment.
The father's love for his children is covered up by his own violent behavior, and this is also a hard wound for too many families.
Obviously, he cares about and is considerate of the child, but a mouth and a shot magically become a sword that stabs the child.
The child who did not dare to confirm his love has always longed to find the warmth of "home" in his heart, but it is difficult to achieve his wish.
03
Break the ice of parent-child relationship and send you three "tips"
Sun Yunxiao, chief expert of family education at the China Youth Research Center, pointed out:
"Parent-child relationship determines the success or failure of family education." If your relationship with your child is good, your education will be successful. ”
It can be seen that the primary task of parents is not to force their children to correct their behavior, but to establish a stable and intimate relationship before starting how to influence and guide their children.
In this regard, parents can first explore the password to establish a parent-child relationship from the following daily small things.
1) Never use violence
In the documentary "Zhiyin Human World", there is an "irritable family".
The boy Zhang Hanrui often shouted at his mother, lost his temper, and dropped things, and his mother was also easily emotional, and he could not control the child and dragged him over to beat him violently.
Under the guidance of teacher Xu, a parent-child expert, the relationship between mother and child has shown a qualitative change.
The child argues because the mother refuses to show him the mobile phone, the expert asks the parents to be rational and control the emotions, the mother does it, she patiently communicates with the child, showing a peaceful and respectful gesture to the child.
In this communication atmosphere, the son was also infected, gradually calmed down, and gently accepted his mother's request not to look at the mobile phone.
In fact, in family education, whether it is force or verbal violence, it violates the principle of positive discipline, parents come up with a gentle and firm attitude, maintain self-restraint and control of emotions, in order to eliminate children's fears and push open the first door of equal communication.
2) Really understand the child
Understand your child and look positively at your child's behavior.
If your child is reading seriously, you laugh at him for being "fake hard work";
If the child tells a joke to a classmate of the opposite sex, you suspect that the child is in early love;
If the child is unwilling to greet others, you put a "no polite" hat on him;
If a child "steals" a toy, you punish him for kneeling in front of the house to show the public...
This only shows that you can't trust your child, and you can't go inside your child and read his code of behavior.
When parents can see their children's efforts, progress, shining points, trust and appreciate their sky from the perspective of their children, they can become parents who are worthy of their children's trust and dependence, and establish a benign communication mode and parent-child relationship.
Children who read, please encourage him to be self-motivated and diligent;
Laughing child, please appreciate his smiling face and optimism;
Silent child, please respect his introversion and convergence;
Misbehaving child, please see his confusion and intentions.
With these seemingly simple "superpowers", you can be a "superhuman parent" of your child.
Only by actively understanding the child's motivation and then guiding the behavior can we become a good teacher and friend of the child, and a solid partner who accompanies each other and walks hand in hand.
04
"What Do Children Really Need" reads:
"What life needs most is the energy of the spirit, that is, the temperature of the heart, the way of education lies in the heart, and the warmth of the heart is the core of education."
A good original family has never been a family with wealth and food, but a warm and loving family atmosphere and parents who know how to respect their children, which will be the most precious spiritual home for children's growth.
Only when the spirit is gently cared for, the child can feel surrounded by love and develop into an inner sunshine, releasing love and intimacy.
Dear parents, remember:
Children are afraid to run away from their parents, which is the greatest shame.
Children hug their parents closely, which is the biggest compliment.
From now on, change your own way of education, you know, the gentleness of your parents has built the warmest home in the world.
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