Some people always seem to be abandoned by fate, everything is not satisfactory, and the people around them are always all kinds of discord.
Just like Jiang Mosheng in "A Cut of Fanghua", he originally had a good hand:
Inherited Sihexiang, married to Qingmei Bamboo Horse as desired, and had a good brother...
However, from time to time, he had a big conflict with everyone, quarreled with his father, had a cold war with his wife, turned against his brothers, and even colluded with the enemy, and finally rebelled and had nothing.
It seems that he is like an outcast of fate, unable to do anything, but in fact, all the conflicts come from his heart, and it is he who fights with himself, thus blinding his eyes and disrupting his behavior.
In the book "Resolving Our Inner Conflicts" written by the American Abinzer Association, there is such a sentence:
"Conflict, like magic, real action happens when no one is watching."
Therefore, we always can not control the conflict well, only by listening to the inner voice and consciously changing, can the conflict be truly resolved.
1. Recognize your mistakes
In all the conflicts, it is almost impossible for anyone to think they are wrong. Everyone is doing one thing: waiting for the other person to make a change.
In the face of children's disobedience, we will not think about what problems we have, but only want our children to become obedient;
In the face of the violent temper of the lover, we do not think about what we have done, but only want the lover to control their temper;
Even in the face of our friends' problems, we don't think about our own faults, we just want our friends to change.
Similarly, the other party also thinks that they are not wrong, everyone thinks that they are right, at this time, the conflict cannot be resolved.
But in fact, are you really all right? Of course not!
Even if you are right about what you are conflicting with, is your attitude correct? Is the way you communicate right?
As it is said in Resolving Our Inner Conflicts, "We are not used to thinking about the impact of our words, actions, and thoughts." ”
But in fact, it will really have a big impact on us.
Such as Jiang Mosheng in "A Cut of Fanghua".
He obviously knew that he believed in the wrong person, but he still couldn't stop, because the other party's words, or an act, were angry, and eventually fell deeper and deeper.
Not only did he step into the trap set by the enemy and give up the shares of his own store to others, but he also became the representative of the other side and participated in the costume conference.
Others gave him an analysis of the pros and cons, and he did not listen to it at all.
He felt that everyone was not welcoming him, not toward him, but had never thought about his own problems.
2. Methods for resolving conflicts
Many times, we will wake up to something, often at a great cost, and such a awakening is painful.
In the book "Resolving Our Inner Conflicts", it teaches us a pyramid that can allow us to better resolve conflicts and reduce the so-called costs.
The pyramid is divided into two layers, the upper layer is to deal with errors, and the lower layer is to help everything get back on track.
When conflict arises, we only need to spend a small part of our time dealing with the error, and then leave most of our time to helping everything get back on track.
When dealing with mistakes, we can't just think about letting others change, and we don't want to think that we need to change, which will make the mistakes bigger.
In helping everything get back on track, we have a lot to do:
Step out of the box of cognition and get inner peace
Build good relationships with other influential people
Learn and listen
communicate
In this process, we pay more attention to the change of our own hearts.
We will find that these changes, although at different levels of the pyramid, can always find answers to each other.
Take Jiang Mosheng as an example, he can't get inner peace, so he can't establish good relations with other influential people, and there is no way to calm down and listen to the opinions of others, so there is an obstacle to communication.
Because there is no peace in the heart, there is no way to look at others rationally.
Murong Fu in the Eight Parts of the Heavenly Dragon is also such a person.
We can find that when a person can't resolve his inner conflict well, he will do a lot of paranoid things.
When our hearts are not peaceful enough, we become extra sensitive, and when we see others whispering, we will feel that others are saying bad things about ourselves.
When our hearts are not peaceful enough, we will feel that the world is unfair, and we will not be able to recognize our problems a lot, let alone change our problems.
Therefore, in resolving our inner conflicts, the most important thing is to bring peace to our hearts.
That's what we need to do with our whole lives.