Wen | Zhang Ping
The illustrations | from the web
Psychologist John Gottman wrote in The Game of Love: "When one person in a couple expresses the need for connection, the other person's reaction can be to pull open the door and walk over, or to close the door and turn away. This is the decisive moment for two people to go to hell or heaven. ”
Marriage is like drinking water, cold and warm self-knowledge, different choices have created different husband and wife relationships.
Which of the three relationships between husband and wife, which one are you?
01
The first: wronged couples, love and hate, torturing each other.
The marriage of a wronged couple always switches back and forth between hell and heaven. When you love, bathe in the spring breeze like water, and when you hate, water and fire collide with your heart like a knife.
If such a couple has a common goal, such as children or families, family members, they will soon reconcile after the quarrel, and there are both trivial noises and sweet love and keeping each other in life, and they are noisy and joyful enemies.
Just like the donkey and Daya in the TV series "Ordinary Years", the day before just because of the husband's donkey ex-girlfriend thing big fight, daya took the child back to her mother's house in a huff, and the next day Daya kissed me and you and I at the dinner table with the donkey who chased after her mother's house, and was blinded by the whole family.
But if the wronged couple has different ideas, then married life will become a pool of stagnant water, like more enemies than like husband and wife. The rhythm of married life tends to be quarrels→ cold war → quarrels. Husbands and wives hate more than they love.
02
The second kind: passers-by couple, no love, no hate, infinite loneliness.
What is the meaning of marriage? It is when you are young that someone experiences the beauty together, it is to form a family at the best age to conceive life together, it is to hug and warm up in a long life, and it is to snuggle up to each other in old age.
But for passers-by couples, marriage is useless, familiar and strange coexist, hot pillow and indifference are mutually exclusive.
Some people say that passers-by couples are the saddest couple, no cheating, no disputes, no contradictions, no mistakes, but the two are just well water and do not violate the river water, like two parallel lines that are close but never intersect. Good and bad, right and wrong, are seen as passers-by indifferent.
There are two kinds of passers-by couples, one is that both husband and wife regard each other as passers-by, some time ago a couple of family installed two meters was hotly discussed, such a couple is like tenants in the same room, estranged from each other.
There is also a kind of passerby couple who chases the other to escape. Xu Bochang and Liu Shufen in "No Questions", although the two people are husband and wife, Liu Shufen's dishes, water cups, and kettles Xu Bochang never touched, Liu Shufen's insults and beatings, Xu Bochang can also pretend that it did not happen and did not exist.
For Xu Bochang, Liu Shufen is like a "transparent person", everything about you has nothing to do with me, even if it is for me, I can imitate that it did not happen and did not exist.
But Liu Shufen loves Xu Bochang, in order to make Xu Bochang's life better, she eats pickles and soaks water as she is willing, and Liu Shufen's "work" in marriage is her enthusiasm and "resentment" that Xu Bochang does not respond to.
In this marriage, Liu Shufen is Xu Bochang's passerby, and Xu Bochang is Liu Shufen's cage.
03
The third kind: confidant husband and wife, Qinse and Ming, soul fellowship.
Confidant husband and wife, love each other, benefit each other, know each other, such a couple is like a declaration of happiness in heaven, telling everyone: Look! That's what a happy marriage looks like!
"He is a husband and wife in my lifetime, and all the entanglements and branches of my previous feelings are not counted, and I have become such a pure person, that is, his wife." The female writer Sanmao said.
To have someone who understands himself and understands himself is unattainable, especially for a long marriage.
In Sanmao's "The Story of the Sahara", there is such a passage: Jose has a great advantage, and anything Sanmao does, which may seem crazy to others, is taken for granted in his opinion, so it is also a very pleasant thing to be with him.
Sanmao often said that she wanted to go to the desert, and her friends around her thought that she was just thinking or joking, and no one paid attention to it, but Jose quietly found a job in a Sahara town.
Some people say that the husband and wife who understand each other with three views are not that both of them like the same thing, but that you like to raise flowers, I like to read, I respect you to raise flowers, and you respect me to read. In fact, you can go one step closer, you like to raise flowers, I will send you a piece of sunshine, I like to read, you send me a piece of peace.
Confidant couples not only respect and understand, but also grow and achieve each other.
04
Whether it is a wrongdoer couple or a passerby couple or a confidant couple, at the very beginning, it must be rushing to the future happiness to come together, only because of the difference in making different choices and management in the later married life.
A beautiful husband and wife relationship is that husband and wife complete each other in this relationship and consider each other for each other.
There are no two identical leaves in the world, nor are there exactly the same marriages, and it is easy to maintain a marriage without divorce, but it is difficult to run a good marriage.
Husband and wife should have more communication, less suspicion, more thinking for each other, and less solipsism, so that the marriage will become happier and happier.
--END--
About author:Zhang Ping, psychological counselor, marriage and family counselor, well-known emotional self-media. I have wine, do you have a story?