Friends often ask me, how did you come over the years?
Yeah, how did I get here?
Never thought about it, and there's nothing special about it.
Like everyone else, I came over unconsciously.
Unlike others, I have experienced many extraordinary things in the past few years.
Although in the eyes of others, I am particularly strong, especially able to endure, especially able to endure hardships, but I myself do not feel that there are any special, fate has given me the compulsory answers, I have nowhere to hide, I can only answer hard, answer those painful things into the past, answer into memory, and even answer into thoughts.
Over the years, my friends who have been thinking about me from afar often ask about their experiences from the spring of 2014 to the present, and I have squeezed them one by one, only to find that I really gritted my teeth and walked a long way, and every step was with tears and blood from every step. I just didn't think about anything at the time, just lifted my head and walked forward, and there was only one thought at that time - don't look down, don't let the tears fall.
In recent years, there have often friends say "your strength is worth our learning", when I hear such words, I laugh, where there is something strong in the world, it is just hard support, I believe that no one is born strong or will take the initiative to choose to be strong, but there is no way, just no other choice, but the matter is coming, no matter how big the fire pit or how deep the quagmire must be broken through and flowed out. I often call friends, for example, you have a big rock in front of your door, if someone carries it away with you, will you pick it up and move it away? When you have dependence and dependence, who will carry the weight beyond their own load?
In May 2014, one month after the lover's surgery
In July 2014, my lover was undergoing chemotherapy in a hospital, my mother was doing eye surgery in another hospital, I was shuttling between two hospitals and units all day long, once walking back to my unit from the hospital where my mother lived, walking and sleepy, sitting on the steps in front of a unit on the side of the road, taking a nap, just met by a colleague, he woke me up, asked me how I fell asleep here, I said tired, the hall man looked at me with a thin face and a haggard face, and he actually had tears flickering and his voice choked, he lifted me up and said: "Go back to the office or go home?" I send you..."
At that time, her lover's physical strength was still allowed, and after a cycle of chemotherapy, she insisted on going to the hospital with me to accompany her mother. What touched the mother was that the day after the mother was discharged from the hospital, she was in ambush, and the lover who had just finished chemotherapy drove the car and took the mother around the city to find a place to paste the three-volt sticker. At that time, the destruction of the lover by chemotherapy drugs was almost cruel, but in the car, she said to her mother: "Mother, I have contacted the place where the three volts are pasted, one volt is pasted once, three volts are pasted continuously, and your asthma can be alleviated..." I still remember clearly, when the mother heard this sentence, tears flowed down...
In the autumn of 2014, my lover's first round of six rounds of chemotherapy had just ended, and one weekend, my lover and I took my parents to the Qingdao World Expo Park to relax, but I didn't expect that just after entering the garden, my mother was tripped by the steps, fell heavily on the ground, fractured her hip, and was hospitalized for more than a month. After the mother was hospitalized, there were two patients in the family at once- the lover and the mother. During this time, I was running between the two hospitals, exhausted and in a trance, and one night when I got up at night, my right foot kicked on the sharp edge of the wooden sofa leg, and the toenail cover was turned over, and the blood flowed. I grabbed the flip up toenail cover and pressed it down, I found a piece of cloth to wrap it up, tied it with a rope to stop the bleeding, went to the hospital the next day, the doctor used tweezers to pull it off, raw pulled the toenail cover, that kind of pain, this life will not forget...
The thumb toenail cap is broken
Dragging a hugely painful right foot without a toenail cover, running between the two hospitals, God is against me, during which time the unit elevator failed, and I had to drag one leg from the first floor to the fifth floor to work. During this time, I saw my father write a diary: "These days are bitter children. The daughter-in-law was seriously ill with chemotherapy, and his right foot thumb toe nail was covered, how painful, very human tolerable! He wore leather shoes on one foot and slippers on the other, and he had to go to that hospital to take care of his daughter-in-law, and he had to come to this hospital to take care of his mother, and he also had to think about work. He said in the circle of friends that the unit elevator was broken, he had to climb four or five times a day to the fifth floor, how much it hurt to climb the stairs without toenail covers, I hurt him, but there was no way, I didn't have the ability to hurt him..." One afternoon, my father saw me limping into the ward, tears poured out, and asked me: "Is it very painful?" I smiled and said, "It doesn't hurt..."
No matter how much it hurts, I didn't say a word to my lover, nor did I say a word to my parents, bear with it, I have to bear it, what can I do? My lover needs to recover during chemotherapy, and I have to walk with her at night, and every step of the way is painful. Entering 2015, I did not expect that my lover's condition entered a period of rapid progression, while chemotherapy while metastasizing, lung metastasis in January, had to carry out a second round of chemotherapy, did not expect that chemotherapy had no effect, and bone metastasis occurred in June... At that time, I was optimistic in front of my lover every day, but who knows how many tears I shed in the office, how many tears I shed outside the ward, and how many tears I shed at the door of my house when I came back from work? In the autumn of 2015, I went around seeking medical treatment, and the condition was uncontrollable, and now I think back, what a painful autumn it was...
I lost 20 pounds in 2015. One night, my lover saw me changing clothes and asked me: "How did I become so thin, I dragged you down..." Hearing her words, I hugged her and cried loudly, which was the only time my lover saw me crying. Not because she hurt me, but because she said it was dragging me down. At that time I thought, "How can you say that, I would rather suffer for you than suffer for you." "What was even more painful was that by then the experts had already told me that I could not keep her... Painful things followed— one night in late 2015, I poured you water and medicine and accidentally burned my arm again.
Survived the winter of 2015, into 2016, January 18, the lover was hospitalized again, discharged in early February, relatives accompanied her to her last birthday, she accompanied us through the last Spring Festival, March 7 evening to the hospital rescue, March 30 at noon to leave this world, the afternoon sent her to the funeral home. The next morning I rushed to the funeral home to see her. On April 1st, I went to the office to pack my things, the unit was relocated, moved from Qingdao to Jinan, colleagues have helped me to pack office supplies to Jinan, personal belongings must be packed by themselves. Tidy up until noon, call her, want to say to her: "Wife, I don't go home to eat, you eat first..." Dial the number, no one answered, suddenly remembered that at this time the lover was lying in the glass coffin of the funeral home, tears immediately poured out...
On the morning of April 2, 2016, cremated, my daughter and I pushed our lover into the cremation room, from the memorial hall to the cremation room, these tens of meters of road is the farthest and most difficult road I have walked in this life... On the night of April 9, I buried my lover, on the night of April 10, I packed my own luggage to Jinan, found a quilt, a pillow, a pillow towel, a few clothes, and did not use a suitcase, casually used a pack of sheets, a bundle of rope, and went to Jinan on the morning of April 11... After arriving in Jinan, I first stayed in a hotel around Quancheng Square, and after work in the afternoon, my colleagues accompanied me to dinner, and after the meal, I was afraid that I was lonely, and at night I walked and chatted with me until more than 10 o'clock. When they were gone, I quietly came to Quancheng Square and sat all night long- I wanted to love people! During that time, I was most afraid of Friday afternoons, every Friday afternoon, Qingdao colleagues who moved to Jinan had to go home, I saw them carrying travel bags past my office door, I couldn't help but cry - my lover is gone, where is my home?
Stumbling through 2016, he has been in poor health since March 2017, stayed in Jinan for two weeks, and went to Beijing for an operation in May. Anesthesia woke up, saw that the person who had undergone surgery in the same ward had a lover to take care of meticulously, naturally thought of the lover, at that time did not think how painful the knife edge was, just wanted to separate a year after the lover's life, but also wanted to tell her that my operation was successful - she did not care about me, but I could not let go of her... 7 days after the operation, discharged from the hospital, from Beijing back to Jinan, the next ordeal really can not be expressed - because it is open chest surgery, the chest is tightly tied with a belt, lying in the bedroom at night, trying to solve it, one hand hugging the chest, one hand supporting the bed slowly sitting up, and then rubbing inch by inch to the side of the bed, slowly getting out of bed, standing up, and then moving into the bathroom inch by inch...
Jinan in May was very hot, the knife edge was very painful, I resolutely did not take painkillers, and then endured the pain. When I couldn't stand the pain, I went downstairs and was exposed to the sun and distracted. I drove to the office 20 days after the operation, and the moment I opened the office door, tears welled up – I came back alive! Open the drawer, take out two "suicide notes" written before the operation, one is for the daughter, explain the aftermath, instruct the daughter to take care of the grandparents; one is for the department, arranging the next stage of work and precautions, because in August of that year, our unit undertook a national event, our department hosted...
The doctor ordered me to take a six-month or a year off after surgery, but I drove to work in twenty days. As the saying goes, it hurts a hundred days, and for twenty days the sternum naturally does not heal, she tied her chest belt and drove to work. No one asked me to go to work, and the unit leaders told me to take more rest, but I like to work, and having work busy is not only fulfilling, but also valuable.
On December 22, 2021, the day after the winter solstice, I had another hip cyst removal operation at Qilu Hospital, and the chief surgeon cut a hole in the skin and dug out a meat egg the size of a ping-pong ball from the meat, which was very maddening and painful. The knife edge is 5 cm long and stitched with seven or eight stitches. Because the knife edge is in the place where the buttocks and thighs are connected, walking, standing, sitting, and lying will be touched, and it will hurt when it is touched, and it will hurt to drill the heart. Two days after the operation, I went to work, I couldn't sit and work, I just lay on my stomach or stood,
Today is the birthday of the lover, in the morning my daughter and son-in-law sent cake, I posted a micro headline in the headline "Old Lady, today is your birthday":
"In the morning, my daughter and son-in-law came to see you again, and I can't come back in Jinan, so I'll come back to see you in a few days." It's the New Year, we all miss you, how are you? The separation is 6 years, and we never see each other again. At the thought of not being reunited in this life, tears can't stop pouring out.
Recently, there is a song called "I heard that there is you in the distance", which sang into my heart - "It is really difficult to forget the news about you, accompany you through the north and south and the east and the west and never part, can you love you I have never rested, like the wind has gone thousands of miles without asking the return date, I have blown the wind you have blown, this is not a hug, I have walked the road you have walked This is not a meeting, I still like you so much that you want to go to the whitehead, I still like you as much as you are gentle for you..."
You like to sing, and you sing well. If you're still around, you'll love the song. Old lady, I miss you, it's almost the New Year, how much I want to have a meal with you, how much I want to chat with you, how much I want to touch your hair and say to you again, 'Wife, I love you'..."
Three colleagues had dinner together at noon today, and they talked about my experience, and they said I was strong, and I laughed again, and then I laughed. Being strong is forced out, which is a kind of helplessness and a kind of sadness. But I believe that the more scars on my body, the more armor I have, which can make me bear more pain.
6 years, no matter how easy or not, whether strong or not, I have been holding out for 6 years. In the past 6 years, I know how many bubbles there are on my feet, and how many scars I know on my body. If I must say that I am strong, it is better to say that I am vain, because I always tell myself, "Don't bow your head, or the tears will fall..."