Say what you want

One experience that is more universal than usually thought is feeling "abnormal."

The vast majority of "normal people" have experienced this kind of worry in one way or another, which can be traced back to early childhood, when parents say "children love kindergarten, how can you not like it". That's when we start to learn to classify and divide our experience into two parts: one part is normal, good, and in line with the expectations of those around us; the other part is picky, pessimistic, dissatisfied, shameful, and abnormal. We can't help but wonder, am I an "abnormal" person?

When counseling, many clients experience a critical moment when they need to muster up the courage to confess to someone: "It's time to tell you the truth." The truth is: "I can only be myself, I am not what you think." Saying this sentence is both heart-wrenching and a secret sigh of relief.

Sometimes it is the child who announces to his parents the profession he really wants to choose, sometimes the partner tells the other party that he has another life proposition, and sometimes when he resigns, he tells the boss: "There is no problem where the company is, but it is not suitable for me." ”

I had a client who spent years believing that "I want to change jobs is not my problem". Because of the pressure of work, she is physically and mentally overloaded. Almost every year she has to mention leaving, and every time the boss says, "I know you're tired, who of us isn't tired?" The boss also said that Winnersnever quit (winners never back down). She said the boss was a self-disciplined and strong woman. She sees her boss as a role model in life. But deep down, there has always been a question that cannot be spoken and dare not face, that is: What if I am different from her?

Once you acknowledge your emotions, you see more truth about yourself. Truth is not subject to our subjective will. If you are not happy, it is difficult to ask yourself to be happy.

She wanted to change to an easy job, but she felt it wasn't right. I said nothing was right: "You can be easy or tired, and if it's just a choice, there's no difference between high and low." The point is what do you want to do? ”

She was stunned for a moment and said she had never thought of it that way. "I've always thought that what you want, this question is used to comfort others. Do you want to do whatever you want? "She never thought about it, it was a real problem.

Many people have had self-doubts that we follow a particular trajectory to a certain point and suddenly realize that our real selves are not the people we are now. We begin to face the true desire, and at the same time the voice in our heads pops up: "Do you want to do whatever you want?" We had no discernment and could only look around in horror: fortunately no one noticed, so we pretended nothing had happened.

In counseling these people, I try to make them understand that "others" don't care so much about you. Taking care of the feelings of others is not the same as shaping what you can or don't do through "others." "Everyone else is looking at me" is just an imagination.

The best way to break this imagination is to face it. My client offered to resign again, and in the face of the boss's rhetoric, she said, "I understand, but I find that I don't want this kind of success so much, I want another kind of success." The boss was stunned and said, "Oh. Later, she returned to her hometown and helped the family run the orchard. She said that now she is much happier, not tired at work, able to take care of her parents, and her health is better.

The hardest step in her life is to admit it: This is me. This sentence is so simple that it does not need to be proved, but it often takes many years for a person to face it. Can I find a more comfortable place in this world? You can take this question with you, go more, try more. In any case, acknowledging "such a me" first is the first step to take.