1、
Li Yinhe said that the marriage system may be dying.
Don't believe it, looking at the divorce rate of 40% now, you can't help but really wonder, marriage is so easy to fail, what do you want it to do?
© Andrew Branch
What made me feel that marriage was not easy was the experience of a colleague of mine.
A colleague of mine in my previous unit, she was in love and married. When I first got married, I was very happy, and the whole person was in a state of lightness and fluttering. Chatting with me is always a girly look of "Ah, it's so good to get married, you should all really feel the feelings of marriage".
Unfortunately, life has never been an eternal romance. She has been married for less than a year, and she often writes a large paragraph with me on WeChat, saying that her mother-in-law wants to sell the house to make an investment, saying that her husband does not have a heart with her, saying that relatives and the elderly always urge them to have children and they will be annoyed to death...
In addition to the fact that marriage was her own choice, the things after marriage were no longer something she could do for herself.
Looking at the complaints she sends every time, I think of the sentence - the institution of marriage is contrary to human instincts. Every time, I think this sentence makes a lot of sense.
Image source: "Maybe suddenly, tomorrow I'm getting married"
2、
What marriage is like, Qian Zhongshu has said very clearly in "The Siege": "Marriage is a besieged city, people outside the city want to go in, people in the city want to come out." ”
That is to say, marriage is both a high wall that binds freedom and an envied umbrella.
© Anne Edgar
Speaking of the bondage of this marriage, it is really a fine tradition that has lasted for thousands of years.
Thousands of years ago, people married in order to have children and protect their families, for material benefits; now people marry, although it seems that most of them are running for feelings, but as fickle animals, feelings are not as solid as material.
Before and after marriage, it is often not for feelings, or for freedom, for money and money. For example, male colleagues in the office, married, often lament that single is good, single free, only hate themselves for getting married too early. For example, the son of a neighbor in his hometown, who was not yet married, was frightened by the woman's sudden opening of the 160,000 dowry and couldn't sleep in the middle of the night.
Look at the current situation, surprise is not surprised? Unexpected or not? Do you think about it and get stuck in your heart?
© Xavier Sotomayor
So the question is, the marriage system is so "anti-human", why do people still enjoy it and go back and forth to get married?
This is because we want to find something more reliable than love in someone, find a home to live in, find a partner who can make our lives more enjoyable.
3、
"Closest relatives to estranged couples", Li Ye's poem must be familiar to everyone. Couples may be the closest lovers or the strangers who are most likely to break up.
Companions are easy to find, but it is not easy to run a marriage. In married life, if you are not careful, you will be punched in the face by various life details.
Life is a collection of countless pieces of emotional interests, and if you don't fight well, it is easy to scratch yourself.
© I'm Priscilla
In the eyes of outsiders, the reason for divorce is that for some couples, it is impossible to get around. For example, after getting married, I found that the goddess in my mind was also constipated.
Yes, this is Li Ao and Hu Yinmeng.
"Hu was like a fairy fairy in my mind, I couldn't stand even a little flawed, one day I had no intention of pushing open the unlocked bathroom door, and I saw Hu squatting on the toilet with a red face because of constipation, and his expression was vicious, which was really unbearable."
The poisonous tongue Li Ao blackened his ex-wife without mercy. The picture of constipation of the beauty may be because the visual impact is too strong, so it will cause the two to collapse.
© veeterzy
The other couple, although not as exaggerated as Li Ao, but also because of the staged "the goddess who has been in love for a long time is just an ordinary person", thus failing.
In the "Quartet", which is regarded as a divine drama, Maki and her husband are typically in love and married. The husband regarded Makoto as a goddess.
Image source: Quartet
"The goddess can play the violin." "The goddess is full of mystery and art." "The goddess accepted the collection of poems I sent so happy."
However, after marrying the goddess, this idol drama of literary and artistic youth soon became a chicken feather.
The goddess is gone, only an ordinary wife who stays at home every day to watch TV, completely abandons the violin, and uses her beloved poetry collection as a pot mat.
The husband ate the fried chicken nuggets with lemon juice in his wife's loving eyes, even if he said in his heart, "Mad, I hate to pour lemon juice on the fried chicken", but he still ate such fried chicken silently for two years.
In two years, not only can't eat fried chicken together, but also watching movies can't get the same point at all. According to the current saying, the laugh point is different how to fall in love!
In the end, the husband left the goddess and ran away, and when they returned, the two divorced.
Do you think this marriage failed because they idealized the other person? Goddess and ordinary people stupid can't tell the difference?
No, they broke up because they never talked about inner drama! Living is not the way you want to be, always like when you are a lover, afraid of losing and pleasing each other, so as to wronged yourself, feel that you are sacrificing for each other... In fact, this is all useless work!
Some people will say, isn't this done by yourself? Why not say what you really think?
Because they were pure lovers before, lovers with a particularly harmonious relationship, happy to be my lover. Lovers who have been addicted to love are difficult to tell the needs of their true selves.
© Scott Webb
One of my classmates is obviously like this, there are a lot of careful thinking activities, always wondering if the boyfriend is disgusted with this and that, and he is dissatisfied with him for being too good at talking, and sulking is some trivial things... But these things, she will only say to me this tree hole.
So lovers, it's really troublesome. This kind of chirping and crookedness is a big taboo in marriage, and if you don't talk frankly, but if you have a small temper, the boredom in marriage will rise quickly.
Since you can't live entirely on love, what should you rely on in marriage?
4、
Nietzsche, a senior sophomore, said: "Marriage is not happy, not because of a lack of love, but because of a lack of friendship." ”
In marriage, a more reliable and inhabitable place than love is family affection. But what makes your life more enjoyable is the friendship between husband and wife.
© Harli Marten
I thought Nietzsche was a single dog who was dismissive of marriage. But when it comes to marriage, he is unexpectedly a little fresh. In addition to calling for friendships to live forever in marriage, he also said:
"When you enter a marriage, you should ask yourself: Do you think you will enjoy chatting with her until you are old? After all, everything else in the marriage is only temporary, and only chatting is something you will do most of the time. ”
Marriage is all about chatting? Could it be more ideal? But if you think about it, isn't such an ideal thing the most lacking intersection between husband and wife?
© Ben White
We always feel that the concept of interest is a fart in the actual marriage, always feel that marriage is chai rice oil and salt, pure life, pay attention to what common topics and common hobbies? Isn't that pretentious?
But the truth is: without these spiritual similarities, marriage is either separated or repressed.
The most important part of Yang Zhenning and Weng Fan's year-old love is the so-called confidant-like feelings. Although the media has repeatedly speculated about the relationship between the two with bad intentions, the combination of the couple is already a blessing that many people cannot understand.
A lasting marriage may be a lifetime of patience, but a good and lasting marriage will be a life of ease and fun.
5、
Zhang Xianliang has a very sufficient experience: "Couples who can grow old with white heads are probably couples who can master moderate feelings." ”
In addition to friendship, there are also moderate feelings between husband and wife. Moderation is not to hold the other person to death, to leave some space for the other party.
Know how to control your feelings and put family affection in a more important position than love. After all, once he has a family, a person is more than his own. The life of the other half must be left to the lover and child.
© Natalia Bariani
For the fact that love has become family affection, Long Yingtai once felt pity: "Once believed in love, I later learned that the original love must be transformed into family affection to be durable, but the love that is transformed into affection is like an ice cube in a cup of water - is it still an ice cube?" ”
What about ice cubes that are not affectionate? Is it so easy to understand the perfection and softness of water? Without thirty or forty years of marital experience, what love is better than family affection?
Life is difficult everywhere, and marriage is not easy for two people. In the desire for affection and companionship, what we need to try is to open up and understand each other's world. Exchanging joy when there is joy, counteracting loneliness when lonely, getting through crises in a less extreme way when opinions are opposed, and in a moment of insecurity, I suddenly remember that there is someone who understands me.
Even if the temperament and position are not very close, the marriage that establishes friendship and moderate feelings will be the end point that cannot be separated.
As Maki in the Quartet says, "Husband and wife are families that can be separated." ”
I hope that you and your other half can trust each other, have space for each other, and have a sense of belonging to each other.