The Paper's reporter Yin Lin
Or let's do an experiment where you and your husband agree that for the next 2 weeks, your energy and time will be spent only on your spouse and yourself, and you won't care about the children. See what new changes will occur in the family and what new feedback will the children have?
issue:
At the beginning of the first year, my son was irritable. The online class was inattentive, and after the teacher said him, I also blamed him, which was the first conflict between us. Later, because of his homework, he still looked at his mobile phone, and after being discovered by his father, he made a big fire. Since then, the contradiction between father and son has become more and more intense. Dad thinks that the child should apologize for the bull, the child becomes more sharp, and the two people fight with each other and do not give in to each other.
When he was young, Grandpa managed him more, Grandpa was strict, and people were strong. My son said to me: "I thought it would be better for the three of us to live alone now, but now we often accuse him, he really can't bear it, he doesn't sleep well at night, he doesn't want to talk to people at school, and he is in a very upset mood." "He doesn't even want to go back to school now.
Listening to the child's words, I suddenly realized that some previous educational methods had caused harm to the child, so I began to read the family education book and learned to tolerate the child. I'm always playing the role of mediator of father-son conflict, and dad still thinks I'm not doing the right thing and being too indulgent to my children. What can I do to really change the current impasse?
Reply:
Growing up in a disciplined, accusatory environment, adolescent boys began to fight. I think this is a proud thing, on the one hand, the child grows up, the sense of autonomy has entered a period of rapid development; on the other hand, he can work against the father, but also shows that the current family environment is becoming more relaxed, your support and understanding, by the child to feel.
The father wants the child to apologize, ostensibly hoping to use authority to deter the child, but in fact, he is worried that if the child can respect himself, the future development will be more promising. I think it implies the sense of powerlessness of adults to face the growth of adolescent children: the child grows up, his wings harden, he goes farther and farther, and my hands cannot grasp him, cannot protect him.
I think that after reading so many homeschooling books, you as a mother have seen the space and respect that adolescent children need to grow up. Every child's growth has a bumpy side, and it would be fortunate for the family to be able to provide a non-intrusive, supportive environment. As your child makes clear, he needs an atmosphere of less blame.
At this time, why not try to fulfill your child's wish? No matter what happens right now, families need to give their children a peaceful atmosphere.
I have a small suggestion that you and your husband can give it a try, and the two agree to stay away from the children for the next 2 weeks and not take care of the children. Give peace back to your children, keep your anxiety to yourself, spend your energy and time only on your spouse and yourself, argue, argue, do whatever you want to do right now.
Of course, it's not easy to do this, because your husband and you have to accommodate a lot of anxiety and worry on your own, and you can't pull the child into this relationship full of emotional tension.
This experiment can be a bit boring, and I understand it if you don't want to. Of course, if you can't find a more effective way, you might as well give it a try.
Look at what happens to your family these two weeks. How will the child feel and change? Looking forward to hearing from you.
About the Author:
Yin Lin
A national second-level psychological counselor, a master's degree in developmental psychology, believes that "behind the pain is strength".
This column answers readers' questions about parenting, emotion, and self-growth in the form of an open reply, and you can write down your own confusion and send it to your email: [email protected]. We will anonymize the letter and hide key privacy information to share with friends who are confused like this, if you really don't want to publish it publicly, please indicate it in the letter.
Editor-in-Charge: Li Shuping
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