Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read Dr. Yue Xiaodong's book "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University": "Chapter 9 Are Our Fate Exhausted?" section content.
Text: I'm not satisfied that you're always avoiding contradiction 2
Two days later, Wei Hong came to see me again. Her face was tired, and her eyes were dark.
"I feel more and more that our fate is over." Wei Hong opened his mouth and said.
"Mm-hmm." I answered and motioned for her to continue.
"The last time I came to see you, I didn't tell you a single thing. It's that Zhigang has become more and more narrow-minded, and he really cares about my dealings with other men. During these days, he did several extremely boring things that broke my heart. ”
Speaking of this, Wei Hong's voice was slightly loud.
"It seems that the situation is getting more and more serious." I commented.
"Yeah, Zhigang has become almost unrecognizable."
"What exactly did Zhigang do to make you sad?*
"Alas, last week, while I was in class, he turned over his belongings in the house, found the letters that everyone had written to me, and looked them through them one by one. There were several letters from my college classmates, including one guy who had chased me before. He is now pursuing an MBA at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Business. I contacted him to find out about applying to go to school with him. Ke Zhigang read the letter, but he was furious, saying that we were rekindling old feelings and threatening to call him to warn him. To tell you the truth, when the boy chased me, I didn't hide Zhigang. Zhigang also let me choose for myself, as if I was very generous. How did it become so unreasonable now? I'm also good for him. He got an MBA in the United States, went back to his company, and had more capital, why is he so unreasonable!"
"Zhigang misunderstood your bitter heart, and you feel very sad." I opened my mouth and said.
"Also, I took a course in research methods this semester. To complete an assignment, I interviewed twenty American students and twenty Chinese students to compare their differences in motivation. Some of them met through a friend's introduction, and I couldn't get in touch at once, so I left them on the phone separately. As a result, when people called back, Zhigang was not angry, especially for our male compatriots in China, and he was even more strictly interrogated. So that people don't dare to contact me anymore, you say this is not angry?"
Wei Hong's face began to flush a little.
"So you're angry that Zhigang is affecting your studies like this." I said in response.
"Sometimes I come back late from class and he's not happy either. Blame me for hiring him from China to serve me, as my bodyguard, housekeeper, servant, messenger, dog leg. But what about him, who can sit in front of the TV all day and watch TV, and can't make his own meal? Nor is he unable to cook. ”
"So you hope Zhigang can share more of your pressure." I interjected.
"Yes! What is home, isn't home the responsibility of the family shared by two families, don't you say?" Wei Hong asked me.
"Your understanding of home is very practical." I asked rhetorically.
"Can I be unrealistic? It's not about falling in love. To tell the truth, I knew that Zhigang was like this, and I would never let him come to the United States. Now that he's here, we both live a hard life, why bother?"
Wei Hong complained incessantly.
When Wei Hong stopped, I asked her: "Zhigang has changed so much that it makes it difficult for you to live together anymore, so what do you think has changed about yourself?"
"I ——, I admit that I have changed, in zhigang's words, I have become more indifferent, more nerdy, more concerned about fame and fortune, more unincorporated." 」
"Then what do you think of these accusations that Zhigang has made against you?" I asked Wei Hong again.
"I admit that all this That Zhigang said is true, and I am not as pure and lovely, gentle and considerate as before. But here is a competitive society, I have to study, I have to write homework, I have to work, I have to fight for scholarships, and now I have to worry about Zhigang, can I not change?"
I nodded and said, "Yeah, you're living a hard life."
"To tell the truth, studying in China, I have been a favored object since I was a child, but reading here, who has spoiled me? I'm here
If I survive, who has ever helped me? I have borne all these sufferings alone, but Zhigang still can't understand me, and he still thinks that I am not good, and that is not right. I'm so ——,. ”
Wei Hong sighed heavily. I sighed too.
After that, Wei Hong suddenly raised his voice and said, "I just don't understand a little, didn't I come to the United States just to read more books?" Can't women read more books than men? Does a woman have to be the shadow behind a successful man? Can't a man condescend to be a woman's 'dog leg'?"
The corners of Wei Hong's mouth trembled, and the more he spoke, the more excited he became.
Seeing this, I interjected and said, "Wei Hong, I know that you have suffered a lot of grievances. I also think that the questions you have raised are all real questions. I can understand your state of mind at this point, because one—"
"What is the use of understanding," Wei Hong suddenly interrupted me, "we have been talking for most of the day, you have not given me a real suggestion, I don't understand, what is the use of me telling you so much nonsense?"
"Wei Hong, what do you expect me to say to you?" Do you want to make peace, or do you want to disperse?" I asked rhetorically.
"Yes and yes are our own business, can't you make some specific suggestions to help me resolve the current crisis?" Wei Hong's eyes forced himself to look at me.
I felt Wei Hong's anger at me, but I wasn't surprised at all. Because to a certain extent, this is a typical expression of empathy. In other words, Wei Hong was venting her anger towards Zhigang on me. According to the theory of "psychoanalysis", recognizing and dissolving this expression of empathy is the key to resolving a person's psychological confusion. I think I must have been in some way that reminded Wei Hong of Zhigang that made her have such an empathic reaction.
Thinking of this, I asked Wei Hong: "I can hear that you are dissatisfied with me, can you tell me that you are not satisfied with me?"
"I'm ——, I'm not satisfied that you're always avoiding contradictions. I came to you in the hope that you would help me to give advice and solutions to my current family crisis. But you are always dodging, as if you are afraid of taking on any responsibility. I hate the kind of men who don't dare to take responsibility the most. Wei Hong said indignantly.
"Oh, you said you don't like men who don't want to take responsibility, can you be more specific?" I asked politely.
Wei Hong slightly raised his voice and said, "As a man, you should be bold and sharp in your speech and do things, and your banner is clear." That gives a woman a sense of security, like a big tree, not like a straw. No matter what difficulties he encounters, a man should step up and try his best to overcome them, rather than hiding aside, lamenting his misfortune and incompetence, and waiting for the woman to wipe his ass for him. ”
"You think my attitude of consulting for you is not clear enough, a bit like Zhigang's current appearance, don't you?"
"Yes!" Wei Hong said dryly, "Actually, I already had this feeling, but I didn't say it clearly because of my face." Seriously, I don't know what use we're going to have to talk like this. ”
At this moment, my phone rang, and the next person to come to see me came, and I got up to send Wei Hong out.
As she was leaving, she said to me, "Please don't mind my bluntness today." I talk to you, and the overall feeling is still very good. I appreciate your empathetic kung fu, and if you had just had a quarter of your kung fu, we wouldn't have quarreled so fiercely. ”
"Thank you for your affirmation of me, and I will seriously consider the question you have raised." I replied.
unscramble:
The content of this chapter is manifested in two aspects, one is Wei Hong's complaints and grievances, and is Wei Hong's complaints and grievances justified? Have we encountered it in our lives? Yeah, is it wrong to study hard, can't women read more? Do women have to go home to cook and cook around the pot table? Can't men do housework? Wait, wait. Wei Hong's anger was quite large, including Wei Gang's vinegary hair stimulating her, and it seemed that the contradiction was getting deeper and deeper!
But, for me, my question is why would Wei Gang do this?
The second is the issue of empathy. In the previous issues, I introduced the definition, reasons, pros and cons of an empathy, etc., it is Pei xin who fell in love with a psychological counselor and is a positive empathy. In this chapter, Wei Hong's empathy belongs to negative empathy, and Wei Hong is venting her anger towards Zhigang to the author. According to the theory of "psychoanalysis", recognizing and dissolving this expression of empathy is the key to resolving a person's psychological confusion. I think I must have been in some way that reminded Wei Hong of Zhigang that made her have such an empathic reaction. "I'm ——, I'm not satisfied that you're always avoiding contradictions. I came to you in the hope that you would help me to give advice and solutions to my current family crisis. But you are always dodging, as if you are afraid of taking on any responsibility. I hate the kind of men who don't dare to take responsibility the most. Wei Hong said indignantly. From the perspective of psychoanalytic therapy, positive empathy is more helpful in treatment, and strong negative empathy is more helpful if the treatment is not successful. It is difficult to point out its irrational nature to the client and is therefore not conducive to treatment.
How to understand it? With people you like in life, it is easier to communicate. And with someone you have a grudge against, you may go to great lengths to explain the reasoning to him. Perhaps, if the explanation is not good, it will "add revenge to hatred", right?
Things like negative empathy often happen all around us. For example, if you are yelled at by your boss today, your face is very ugly, and you can't get angry in front of your face. Back in the office, just when your subordinates are not doing a good job, you vent your anger on the subordinates, so that your emotions are much better, and your subordinates are afraid that they are confused and do not know why. The terrible thing is that the subordinates will vent their bad emotions to their families again, and I am afraid that we do not want to see that kind of scene!
Therefore, how to deal with the negative empathy of the client is to test the patience and skill of the psychological counselor!
November 28, 2021 #Counselor said #