When I consult or help a case to solve relationship problems, one of the feedbacks I often get is "I think you are very right, friends say that his problems are scolding him, only you will tell me a more balanced point of view, because even if my friends say that, I also know that I have a lot of responsibility for the relationship problems, and I know that he is not such a bad person." 」
Whenever I hear such feedback, I also feel the necessity of a neutral position, because most people are based on the "friend" position and the interest of "not wanting to trouble and destroy the relationship", and it is unlikely to question whether you have something to review in the relationship when you appear to be a victim of the position. That's why I wanted to write this article today. I think that when many people encounter bad objects, such as the so-called mean men, green tea, etc., they will be comforted by their friends and say words such as that person is really ___, not your fault, but in addition to the one-sided comments of the moral position of friends, perhaps a more neutral angle will be more helpful for you to meet good men/women in the future.
Do you consider yourself a good guy or a bad guy?
First of all, I would like to ask my friends who are reading this article, do you think you are a "good person" or a "bad person"?
More than 99% of people think of themselves as "good people", right? Because if we think we're a bad person, our guilt can start to erode our lives and keep us from sleeping. So each of us, for what we do, must have a set of logic that can make our actions "legitimate", or to put it another way, we will not deliberately do "bad things" until we are sure that our own behavior has a certain degree of rationality and legitimacy. At least from your own point of view and position, there is definitely a reason.
We don't care if there is a problem with logic or not, but at least we can know that everyone does something for his own reason and reason. Let me ask you one more question, when you face your parents, do you think you are a good person or a bad person? When they see this question, many people may be stunned and begin to think about whether they are good people or bad people when they face their parents. Maybe I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm definitely not a good person with a great attitude.
So let me ask another question, are you a good person or a bad person when you face nasty people? I believe that seeing this, everyone will think that they should be more inclined to "bad people" when facing nasty people, right? If all three of you answer good questions, you may be a saint or one of the world's top hypocrites. So to sum up, are you a good person or a bad person? Or both?
When you are a good person, why do you become a good person? When you are a bad person, why do you become a bad person? Most people feel that when I'm a good person, it's because I'm a good person. And when I'm a bad person, it's because "the other person is annoying, annoying, annoying, and bad."
And this is the so-called "cognitive bias", in order to protect the world I built the bias built, I am good credit to myself, I am bad fault is in others.
The real reason why you encounter bad objects
So let's go back to this question, if everyone agrees that they will have different attitudes when facing different people, how can they put all the responsibility for encountering "bad objects" on each other? If the other party is so bad to everyone, then of course it may be that the other party's problem is bigger, but what if the other party is not so bad and negative to everyone? Or even is he only for you? Or do you know he's nice to someone and is willing to promise or spend money on the other person?
At this time, is your reason to say again, "Because that person is better looking/thin/handsome/rich"? This is another bias formed in order to protect the world I have built, and as long as I put the responsibility on what I can't change, I don't have to bear the responsibility of not being liked.
Although these words are very heavy, they are actually like this. You're going to be treated like this, and most of the time it's not because you're not good-looking, not handsome enough, or any other bullshit reason, because you're asking the other person to do this to you.
Maybe you think you need to "work very hard and have to do something to be liked by the other person", and the underlying line is actually "I think I am inferior to you, so I have to be patient, pandering, changing my own standards, paying, spending money, dedication... etc. to get your/your affection", maybe it is after liking the other person, maybe it is like this at the beginning. That's the real reason why you meet a "bad person."
And if the other person is very bad to everyone, without exceptions, if there is no such mentality, this person will not become your "object" in the first place. Of course, I don't mean that when you have this mindset, others have a valid reason to treat you badly. Rather, it is necessary to recognize how others will treat you, and what kind of premise and mentality you use to face each other has a lot to do with it. It's not that you're a bad person or you're not a good person, it's that your mindset, state, and behavior are wrong.
As long as our mindset, state, and behavior are changed, the circumstances we encounter will become different. Each of us is like some chemical with fixed properties, those fixed properties are like our personality, the reaction to things, etc., which will affect what other chemicals will produce when they react with us. If you have hydrogen atoms, you can't produce anything without hydrogen atoms.
In addition to this mentality, there is another big reason: when you meet a bad person, it is usually because you lie to yourself. In order to want to be with each other, in order to make the other person become our own "object", we will help each other to find excuses for this purpose, especially when the conditional traits or feelings we have are closer to the surface of the ideal object we imagine in our hearts, the easier it is for us to help each other find excuses and beautify each other's behavior. For example: because he is a very special person, he has a special situation, he is such a person, he only means that he has special feelings for me, he does not stay away from me and says that he actually loves me, but for various reasons he cannot be with me, he says I am very special, he says he loves me, I will touch him one day... etcetera. And because the feelings of investment are more and more, the more they can't stop, in order to maintain the purpose of "liking each other", more bad or obviously deceptive behaviors of the other party will be justified (those behaviors may be just a passerby to know that there are ghosts, friends also say that there are ghosts, and the world parties do not believe it), continue to choose to believe him in order to be able to continue to like.
Where exactly do good men/women look for?
Many people will wonder, where exactly are good men/women going to find them? Why do I meet bad people?
Whenever there is a discussion, someone will leave a message at the bottom of the "or a matter of luck", this kind of person I really want to give him a big mouth. What a matter of luck, this kind of person usually has a mouth full of excuses, typical "I am good is my credit, I am bad is someone else's fault" .
When you become a person who will make others want to be a good man/woman, good objects will continue to appear, and bad objects will be filtered by you in the first place, so even if you are "unlucky", you will not "meet unladylike" because you lie to yourself. Whether or not to let others lie to you is something you can decide for yourself! Unless you really admit that you are stupid, so stop blaming any luck problems, to change your life, start with yourself!